As a follow up to the Bumpy Road thread... I have been having a difficult time in session lately because my trust in T was shaken and I reverted into a very strong avoidant mode. I was actively and thoroughly pushing my T away from me with every reason I could think of.

On Monday I sat on the floor. He joined me. I told him he didn't have to sit with me and he said he would never sit above me. So we sat together and it helped me because we were sitting closer together and I could see more deeply into his eyes. I found that calming as the limbic resonance kicked in and I was like an infant gazing into a parent's eyes. It was so soothing. And he looked really concerned. I asked him if he knew why I wanted to sit on the floor and he said that I do that when I'm in great distress and he was sorry that I was suffering. We talked around the issue of trust and although he kept snagging me in my erroneous thoughts and beliefs, we really didn't get too far. The only thing I could take away from that session was the memory of his eyes and that seemed to be enough. He walked all the way out with me and we chatted away and he made me smile and I was so ditzy that I walked over to the wrong car ... okay well it was the same color as mine!

Two nights later I decided to send him an email (I had not been emailing or calling him due to being in avoidance/numb mode) thanking him for sitting on the floor, that it was helpful and I was feeling a bit more attachment and how I missed him and looked forward to seeing him again. Of course that was hard to send but I said some jokey stuff and expected a nice, comforting response. Well I got my response but it was very short and not warm and fuzzy at all. In fact... it really scared me. It was so similar in tone (I thought) to an email that I got from oldT just before he decided I needed a new T.

I immediately emailed back telling him that it was SO NOT reassuring to read his response and it was a big mistake to tell him those things and I was going back behind my defensive wall. He responded with apologies and said he didn't mean to send me backwards.

So today we had a looong talk about that email. What he thought, why he responded that way and about trust. I needed to talk to him about other stuff that is weighing on me but he would not let me. He said we need to fortify the foundation before we can do anything else. That we needed to put this in place to be able to process the other stuff. He told me that he loved my email and it made him very happy to read it. He said he didn't give the response too much time because he was in a hurry and he was sorry. He said he was really glad I wrote back to him and that prevented me from suffering alone and also that he knew what we had to deal with today and was not blindsided by my anger or my resistance/avoidance again. He told me when I am feeling more secure and should he ever screw up an email response again I should just write back...WTF that was a truly lousy response He said he is human and it will happen.

Then we talked again about attachment. He smiled and said I am "nicely" attached to him even though I kick and scream and try to deny it. He said he is also attached to me and I need to try to accept it and more importantly to "experience" it. To feel that attachment because it will keep me safe and make me stronger. He said it would be impossible to do such deep, intimate work with someone twice a week for 2 years and not get attached and be invested in that person. He tells me that he is invested in me and that keeps me safe. he said that because he cares about me in a healthy way that hurting me would also hurt him so it keeps me safe. It relates a lot of this back to my child. He askes me what keeps my child safe with me? Well, I am invested in him and his happiness and well-being and I would not hurt him because it would hurt me to see him sad or suffering. He said I'm invested in him (my son) because we share a bond and we are attached. Like he is with me.

He moved in closer and seriously talked to me about how important it is for me to really allow myself to experience this attachment because I need it to get well. That this is the most important thing we do because without this foundation we cannot do the other work we need to do. Without trusting him I cannot talk to him and tell him what need to. He acknowledged that for me it was especially difficult because I was betrayed by another T. he said I am working hard and doing well and he was happy with what I was doing. He said that he knows he pushes me hard and challenges me. No kidding But he said that what he really likes about me is that I do learn from our therapy (I don't blindside him any more).

I felt really hopeful when I left him today. And I feel him close to me. He implored me to take him with me and to feel his presence because that will help me face the things that are causing me a lot of anxiety these days.

Oh and he said something that I really liked. He said that he has this internalized model of who I am... that he has had this for quite awhile. He knows the person I am and that nothing that I tell him will cause him to change his working model of me (his internalization of who I am). That was helpful to hear.

And so... I do feel him with me now. I miss him but I know he is there if I need him. And I know that we have a good solid relationship and I can feel secure that he accepts me the way I am and that I can tell him anything and it will be okay... we will be okay.

I am very lucky.

Thanks for reading
TN