I told him about it in the last minute of fridays session,(i dont even remember why i did that) and brught it up again today. and i hate that i did it. : The whole session triggered all kind of old "punishment" memories from my childhood. I didnt even realize it, before now, one hour later, that i actually went into all this (obviously not) forgotten memories.
I dont even manage to believe my T, when he assured me that i hadnt done anything wrong, reading that book. BUT: it *FEELS* like he`s angry at me, both for reading it (and crossing his personal/private zoone) and for not telling him sooner. He just kept the focus on what i felt/remembered and therefore i ended up *remember* all kind of old, crappy memories, where i did wrong things and got punished big time...thats where he "left me". To sit with all this feelings alone.. I hate it. All those old memories that suddently appeares, like ghosts.. even the dream i told him today, he interpreted by linking it to all this stuff.. (in my dream my T`s house are placed in the "forbitten" erea outside my old school, in the woods where we wasnt allowed to go. But i did it, because i was a "bad" child.) I am angry at my T for all this, i feel like a child that have done something terrible wrong, yet i dont know what wrong i did.. Its like my T lies when he keep sayin that i did nothing wrong reading that book. Arrrg.. is this all in my head, am i makng up feelings or IS my T perhaps angry at me?? gosh..it doenst even matter. I feel what i feel anyway, thats REAL, and it hurts big time. I am not 8 years old anymore.
Why would he on purpose trigger all this stuff. stupid T. Stupid me too. 
(thats a compliment btw!)Its just that i seriously think i messed up something when i told my T about that book... despite that he didnt say anything like that, i do feel that he is uncomfortable about knowing that i know all that stuff about him.. that i somehow ruined that sacral ("not suppose to know") wall between us. He didnt directly said he was glad either that i read the book.. hm, actually he did say: "If i didnt wanted you to read the book, i shouldnt have written it either then..." thats not that bad, right?
Then i`ll have to tell about the SH too, and i tend to think everything i say now only causes more harm. Maybe i just have to distract myself and focus on somehting different than me and my feelings, go to school and stuff. Its like verything is triggering to me now, also being here on forum in a way. 