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8 replies

Too grateful?

navymenavymeMember
I'm curious if there are any similar experiences out there with something I struggle with.

My T and I have, i think, a solid back and forth... She is kind, patient, supportive and pretty stellar at her job in any way that's come up.

She's made an enormous difference in my world, and continues to... and I'm grateful.

I don't have any sort of confused attachment to her, I respect her a great deal...

Here's the thing though...

I'm pretty communicative about how much I appreciate her insight, help and general overall presence....

I'm worried that this communication will be received as something that will complicate and confuse things. I have, in previous relationships (friends and otherwise) been told I am 'too intense'...

I've tried to say this, and the communication I've received is that my T doesn't feel like our boundaries are an issue.

At the end of our last session, I paused on the way out the door and asked if it would be okay if I asked her for a hug (she's initiated hugs before for xmas, or my birthday)... It was an intense session and ...

She gave me this incredible, powerful, needed hug... Later that night, I sent her an email apologizing for having asked, and indicating that I was afraid my actions were inappropriate and crossed the line... She told me it was all fully appropriate and a beneficial part of what she could provide/something she believed in...

Anyway... I guess my question for you guys is...

Do you find yourself accused of being 'too intense' in outside relationships?

How do your T's receive/interpret/absorb this intensity?

Does it complicate things?
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catalystcatalystMember
Hi Navy,

Yes I am accused of being too intense sometimes but someone has to know me really well and it's only in certain areas. I'm really good at repressing my intensity but it does come through Smiler My Ts think being intense is a good thing and usually commiserate with me - one of my Ts has told me she is intense and both my Ts are sensitive and think sensitivity (which I think is sort of on a similar vein to intensity) are positives if channelled in the right ways. Of course it complicates things Smiler Feeling VERY SUPER INTENSE complicates a lot of things but actually my Ts deal very well with it. So it has caused a lot of work to come up in my therapy and a lot of complication but... for the better.

I'm glad you wrote your T and she wrote you back. I hope you can hear her words that it was appropriate and she was okay and she is okay with you
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Navy,
People consider me at least highly emotional, if not intense. I also know I have expressed really deep, intense emotions to my therapist and it's never been too much. As a matter of fact what I have found so healing about the relationship is that it's a safe place to express my full range of feelings no matter how intense they are.

He has seen me in extreme pain, and extreme rage. He has also seen me literally become speechless (a rarity for me Smiler) and tear up trying to find a way to say thank you to him for all he has done for me.

I have also expressed a lot of intensity around my feelings and longings for him, including a number of very open discussions about love.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong and I would take your T at her word. I think she is very accepting of any and all of your feelings.

I know as a child, expressions of my feelings were often met with abandonment or anger, so it became scary to actually express my feelings, and the more intense the feelings, the scarier it feels. As terrifying as it was to open up anyway, it's also been really good to know it's ok to feel this way and be able to have someone hear and understand.

AG

PS And as far as how often I thank him, I could count on one hand the number of sessions I have NOT said thank you to him in session or by email afterwards or both. Smiler
N ninnMember
quote:
Do you find yourself accused of being 'too intense' in outside relationships?

How do your T's receive/interpret/absorb this intensity?

Does it complicate things?


Yes, too intense (when I seem to be manic), too sensitive, too emotional, too moody (mostly too moody). Mother and Husband will tell me that they just can't listen.

I actually asked T, after I had, what I think, my first manic appearance in her office....asked her if it was weird....told her my family want to "turn me off," and often push me away, get away from me, etc., and she said I usually filter so much and stuff my feelings that when I do talk, she is like YAY, keep going!!! I had a good chuckle.

She is rather constant. She doesn't seem affected by my intensity.

I do notice in almost all my sessions though, that my tone changes with my stories/feelings. She doesn't seem affected. While I know my family would be greatly affected, think I'm yelling AT them or being mean, not just expressing myself. I am working so soooo hard at calming myself down, seeing if I can hear my tone, figuring out what I am feeling at the moment instead of just "reacting."
divadivaMember
Oh yes, I am very intense in all my relationships. I'm very dramatic (in a silly way) but at times it does carry over into situations that don't need to be made a big deal out of but thats very rare. When I love, I love hard and when I trust, I trust with everything I have. Only a few people have gotten to the level with me of intense love AND trust cos usually I just tend to love love love.

My T knew this from the beginning but she's so wonderful and understanding that it really doesn't phase her of my attachment to her. I was worried that she would feel uncomfortable with how intense I am with the people I love and care about deeply (not just in a romantic sense but my friends and family as well) but she accepts it and reciprocates it as well. She can tell when my stubborn teen comes out and needs some distance, she can tell when when I need to hug her a little big longer when I've had a rather emotional session etc.

I think Ts like us for our intensity Smiler
L lieseMember
Hi NavyMe,

You sound nice and so does your T. I think I might have been accused of being intense (or maybe too complicated) when I was little. I attributed it to me wanting to look more deeply into things than most people.

But now I can see my own intensity and I think it comes from wanting something from someone that I can't verbalize but am trying to get another way. Like asking them a superficial question loaded with double meaning. e.g., when I told my T that I wanted to stop going weekly and go every other week, I was really asking, "do you like me?" I know that sounds crazy. But I can't always be direct about my needs and go about it in this horribly indirect way that always backfires.


I actually think the intensity is related to trying to get the attachment needs met. And that once my attachment needs quiet down, I won't be as intense. The attachment needs ARE life or death. They really are. Infants die if their attachment needs aren't met. And, so, it only makes sense to me that we all would pursue those needs with the utmost in intensity.

Does that sound off the wall?

HUGS,

Liese
B bltMember
quote:
I actually think the intensity is related to trying to get the attachment needs met. And that once my attachment needs quiet down, I won't be as intense.


I think there could be a lot of truth in this statement. The intensity of having an unmet need on such a deep level could end up going in so many directions (intensity in relationships, intensity in trying to succeed compulsively, intensity in self-destructive behaviors) but in the end they can all point to the same place.

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