Not a clue but wow I'm impressed with you list of q's so far!

I think you've got a really reasonable list here cat. I'd almost print it off and turn it into a checklist of sorts that you can use as a gauge for any potential T. All are very valid and important points to address before you start working together.

As far as getting into that intellectual space, I know what you mean. I do the same thing. I flat out told my adjunct/DBT T that I tend to get very intellectual and can rationalize and logic my way through anything, and need assistance in staying in the feeling space during those moments.

As far as too young... I don't know what to say, cause I am with you there. My DBT T is younger than me and it isn't the greatest dynamic because of that, at least for me. It's getting better, but it's been a really rough start for me (though of course, I've hid that all from her!)

Any chance your T can give you a list of referrals? Do you still have a nutritionist/dietitian that you check in with? Might they have referrals for you?

(((CAT)))

quote:

Any ideas on how to get my questions answered while not communicating I'm a challenging client?

Some T's like challenging clients. My advice would be to put it out there to them as you have to us and the right T will be drawn to the challenge. If you sugarcoat it too much, you might wind up with someone who might not work for you. I'm sure there are T's out there who would love to work with you.

Thanks, Jillann! If you can think of more, let me know.

R2G, I had to smile at your comment that 'you've hid that from her'. I would hide it from my T also. I don't want a list of referrals from my ED T because I have access to lists of Ts that do her same type of work anyway and know different ED Ts through friends I was in IOP with. I'm not seeing an RD right now (shhh but T2 was not staying on top of my ED... and it's out of control and I should be in an IOP but I just can't right now so I'm sure I will have to again). Some Ts I've contacted who aren't taking new people gave me some awesome referrals. T1 originally referred me to the place that T2 works (she didn't know T2), T said she had another referral she could give me... but that the person hadn't worked out enough of their own stuff to handle me (LOL - THANKS MAN!). She said she'd prefer I find an ED specialist and I think she just refers people to that place. I dunno. But I'm in trouble either way!!

RT - I'm sorry you are T shopping too. There needs to be a match.com for this stuff and I do think the questions might not ALL be first date material... I like what you suggested about ordering stuff... the problem is I want to know their orientations then decide if they have what I want/need and prioritize and make decisions there because I don't really know what my 'ultimate package' would look like and after meeting them what I'll find more important over another thing. I'm complicating this for myself... the only Ts I've been looking for are all on my insurance plan, and as long as its an ED specialist they will approve - I just got out of the hospital... usually they don't deny my outpatient mental health stuff so that I won't cost them 30k again. And yes unfortunately I do need someone sharp - T has given me good feedback on what I need and the kind of T she thinks can help. I know she'll be picky too and give me feedback right away if she gets a sniff of incapability or bias, etc.

Liese - That's very true! I think they will catch on pretty quick I'm relatively challenging and I know that T1 will make that clear to them also... she prefers the word "brilliant" and T2 preferred the word "gifted" which in T language I have learned means "sometimes I want to punch her in the face, but she tries hard". My T was sweet with me today as I gave myself a hard time and she'd spin things one way and I'd spin them another. I love to be creative in my putdowns. Ughhh.

Thanks guys...

This has been so triggering and awful (the experience, not the thread).

((Cat))

My one suggestion is to not be so set in looking for everything in one person. 1. You might end up looking endlessly for the perfect person. And2. You might cross someone off your list that could have something special you never thought about.

Jillann

Hey Cat,

I'm inclined to say go for broke and ask the questions. They reveal a lot about you and what you are looking for, so if a therapist responds positively (even if she doesn't meet every criteria) I would think that might mean you were off to a good start.

When I was T interviewing I got the sense that I was making several of the Ts I talked to defensive or impatient. So I was sooo happy when I talked with the T I ended up keeping and she seemed happy to answer my questions and engage, very non threatened, and even slightly amused. You would think that last one might have felt patronizing but instead it had the different effect of making me feel safe and perhaps not take myself so seriously. And that theme of gentle amusement is something that runs through my therapy as a minor note-- T occasionally laughs at me and I don't really mind because it seems affectionate. You want to feel liked, you know? That in itself can mean such a lot.

Okay, now I'm just babbling, but all that to say-- I'm not sure I would have learned those things about how we'd relate so quickly if I hadn't asked my questions. She wasn't even the orientation I was looking for but it's been a mostly good match, so maybe it's not so much about the answers you get as how they answer? If one is justified in generalizing like that.

Looking back some of my questions (not yours!) were dumb and a bit risky. I feel lucky that it all worked out. I'd have different questions now, if I were to interview Ts again. Ah, the joys of being a seasoned client.

Best of luck to you with this. Keep us updated!

I don't know if I've said it before, but so sorry it has become necessary to replace T2.

((Jill)) Yea... it's just so hard to start things and risk and what if it doesn't work and etc etc. This is #1 why I stay in bad relationships too long and #2 why I am still single (and will probably be to the grave) right now!! Argh!

((HIC)) My T makes fun of me too... so I know what you mean by feeling the affection there. We didn't exactly start out very well Thanks for reminding me that... truly I sorta have to be myself in order to find a T I resonate with. Can't really put on a front and as it unfolds over time realize it's not going to work. Some of my questions will be dumb and risky but... I say dumb risky stuff in session all the time, gotta start somewhere. When I saw a social worker in the hospital a few weeks ago the way I talked to her and had stuff organized myself she said "Do you work in the social work field?" I said "No..." and she said "You sound like you could probably teach the program..." I smiled and said "I've had enough therapy that I've got an honorary degree in psychology by now..". I will keep everyone updated...

Which leads me to.... yes replacing T2, while still seeing T2, sucks on a huge scope. Because we're doing a lot of repair-type things and I'm feeling better with her and at the same time I need to leave. T1 flip flops around with me on this too and supports both my leaving because T2 is inexperienced at what I need, and staying because the transference is propelling how much I'm able to process about my parents... So I go through this painful up and down cycle. So I'm still interviewing Ts and treatment places, and on the waiting list for another T at the same place T2 works, etc... T2 knows this. It's just f'ed up all around. But both T2 and I agree that our therapy together has failed (the therapy failed me is what she says, that I didn't fail - so I don't know how to take that... T1 says it means in a T way she is saying like... she blew it). Anyway today I talked intensely about my feelings about my parents, and she reflected back to me (in regards to my parents) EVERYTHING I've been feeling about her. The problem is this validates to me that the work I'm doing is good, the transference stuff is good because it's hitting my REAL issues. But it's hard to do it w/ a T who doesn't know how... even T1 said she's tried to explain it to her (she has 5yrs exp being a T, meaning I started seeing her when she only had 2... where T1 has about 30 years more experience than her....).

Anyway my heart feels like a sunken ship and my stomach is just in knots. I am in this place where I'm treading water. My biggest fear if I ever did convince myself to stay with T2, which is unlikely, is that the bottom would fall out again - that she does hold all these negative things I think she does. Today she told me she's not sure if I ever get angry thinking about not being met as a child but that she feels angry about it. That helped me feel like at least she didn't think I deserved bad things.

ANYWAY I could go on and on and on about this forever just like I have in sessions with T1

Breaking up with a T is just obnoxiously painful.