((cogs))

you are saving this young girl and she and your daughter can't see that and maybe you can't either, but the impact you are having on her life is going to reverberate through the rest of her adolescent and adult years.

I wonder if this is stirring up your own feelings about nobody protecting you and being abandoned and alone. Maybe part of the reason you hid under the blanket was to try and recreate that experience of being alone and abandoned in the presence of another, yet your T does see you and is there for you. The paradox of that genuine empathic care is it brings our losses front and centre and to be that vulnerable is so terrifying that we want to run as far away as possible. My rule of thumb is whenever I feel the need to run from my T is the time I need him and the process the most as something important is emerging that will enhance my understanding of myself and my life.

Huge hugs xxx GE

quote:

My rule of thumb is whenever I feel the need to run from my T is the time I need him and the process the most as something important is emerging that will enhance my understanding of myself and my life.

(((incognito)))

Just wanted to send some support and hugs your way. I don't feel like I have anything very insightful to say, but I really admire your bravery in facing this. Please know you are doing the right thing, and often times the right thing is the hardest and scariest. I relate to how frightening it is to tell about abuse, but I believe in the end you will feel a lot of healing in experiencing protecting this girl. I think when we are able to step in and alter the horrible experiences of children in our lives for the good, it has a way of addressing the wounded child within ourselves. Just my two cents anyway. If you have felt this T to be helpful and attuned to you in the past, I really hope you will keep discussing this with him, and how his reaction made you feel, it could be some very important material...

AH

Thank you for the hugs and support Smilingpenguin, GreenEyes, BLT, Armored Heart, and joy. I am exhausted and can't muster up the energy for individual responses. The general update is that the interview with the authorities went as well as it could. My daughter is amazing and very strong. She wants to help her friend even though some people disagree with her. I am so impressed by her. As for T, we traded emails and voicemails today but didn't have a chance to talk on the phone. My messages were angry and even though I feel like I'm missing something, I feel like my T and I can't get past this.

I'm sorry that my blog upset you.

((((COGS)))

Could it just be that you are afraid of the backlash involved in making a report even though you know you did the right thing? People are going to be angry and there has to be a part of you that knows this and you are worried about being wrong or bad? It's much easier to blame T for having those feelings. Did you want him to comfort you and tell you you did the right thing? Can you figure out what you wanted in the moment?

What you and your daughter did was courageous. I'll be praying for you, your family and that little girl and her family.

(((COGS)))

Idk after listening to Bessel all day, I'm starting to wonder if you should change therapists. Yours is very caring and obviously cares very much for you, but seems to keep you mired in traumatic material and feelings. Not good, according to Bessel. I know how awful this whole journey has been for you.

Liese,

Are you enjoying the workshop? Did you do yoga or meditation before you went? It looked really interesting. I was thinking of going in April.

What does he say about working through traumatic feelings? vs. being mired in them. I look forward to hearing more about the workshop when you return.

As an update, I spoke to my T on the phone on Friday for a long time (for us). I told him the immediate trigger for me to shut down was attempting to tell him about how I handled a discussion with my daughter and feeling like I was an awful parent. Then I didn't want him to see how I looked. Someone commented on my blog that she felt like she wanted her T to rip off the blanket either literally or figuratively and tell her that T didn't think she was ugly/stupid/horrible. I told him that was how I felt but I understand that he wouldn't do that. I know he doesn't want to presume he knows what I'm feeling or want if I can't talk to him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk when I am in that state.

I think I feel like he needs me to be different than I am, not get stuck and silent and that feels like my parents who needed me to be happy all the time. He says he accepts how I feel and isn't leaving me because of my feelings or stuckness (which is true). He also told me he thought that we were working towards being able to communicate more because we could talk about what happened so clearly afterwards now (unlike earlier in therapy). As usual I felt a lot better after talking to him. I know he isn't angry with me.

I am having trouble quitting while he thinks things are still progressing. We've worked together for five years and I have made some significant changes in my life during that time. Of course other things haven't changed including my intense fear of abandonment, struggle to trust him and share my feelings while I am having them. In some ways I am trying to convince him that therapy isn't working because I think I will be able to leave therapy if he agrees it isn't working and we aren't progressing. Of course if he actually does give up on me I will probably be heart broken.