SBRAHP - I was thinking about you, actually, among others who have "lost" Ts, because I might be leaving mine. I'm sorry your weekend was so hard and you couldn't focus on your family. I can really relate.

((((((SBRAHP))))))

I know these feelings so well and they are no fun I can't say much to help as I am in exactly the same place of missing my T, but I wanted to send you some hugs and let you know you are not alone.

Butterfly

I was actually thinking about you yesterday. I'm sorry for what you are going through! ((SBRAHP))

Ninn

(((SBRHP)))
Try to be gentle with yourself, as anyone who has formed an attachment to their therapist will tell you, the feelings run very deep. Of course you're still really missing her, it really hasn't been that long for this deep a grief.

I'm sorry she felt the need to terminate you. I was also in marriage counseling with my husband when i told our T how I felt, but he responded by working with me individually so that I could work through the feelings. I can't imagine the pain you're in because I know how terrified I was when I told him how I felt because I was convinced I was going to be sent away. It has to be hellish to endure having it happen. Please come here as often as you need for support. There are a number of people who have been through this and understand your pain.

AG

SBR, I'm sorry it is hurting so much still. I feel so badly that this has happened to you, it is a shame when T's cannot accept our feelings and work with them.

I hope you will find some relief from the pain soon.

hugs,

BB

Thanks to all of you for helping me get through the day.

AG, she told me after I first told her my feelings, "I've been supportive for you all this time and you think I'm just going to turn around and kick you out of here just for being honest? I don't think so". I felt so relieved. A few days later I sent her an email using the word "transference" and, somehow that changed EVERYTHING. The following week when I went to see her she said, "I got you email and when you used the word transference...well, thats kid of a big word". I don't know what she meant by that but her next few sentences were that she couldn't see me individually anymore. Maybe if I had never actually said the word, everything would have been ok. Who really knows though.

Yak, why are you thinking about leaving? I know you are having a hard time with the insurance factor and being confused about T not returning your calls, even though you told him it's ok if he doesn't due to family time. I don't know ALL the factors but consider carefully. Maybe try taking some time off. Don't rush anything. You understand the big picture, I know you do. You know if you could detach your feelings that you would understand the actions of your T, I get that from your posts. So I guess what I'm saying is not to leave your T unless you really have to. He sounds like he is trying to help. I'm telling you, it really hurts when there is NO option to see your T.

I think in the long run, I will see that what my T did was in my best interest but I wish she would have at least tried to help me.

Thanks again. All of you really made my day so much better.

-SBRAHP

Hi SBRAHP,

I'm so sorry your T terminated you. It sounds like she was maybe even threatened by the fact that you knew about transference and knew that that might be what was going on. Or the other way to look at it is that she may not have even known there was transference in play and felt threatened by it when you brought it up. I'm not sure. Nonetheless, I can't think that the way she handled things was in your best interest, because going from saying she won't kick you out for being honest and then terminating you a week later is definitely NOT in your best interest. She handled that very, very poorly. I also wish she would have tried to help you, and I'm so sorry she didn't.

Hugs to you...hang in there.

(((SBRHP))) I'm sorry that you are hurting. Like AG said, it's going to take time to grieve because it is a loss. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you to continue seeing her. Her response definitely adds to the confusion.

quote:

AG, she told me after I first told her my feelings, "I've been supportive for you all this time and you think I'm just going to turn around and kick you out of here just for being honest? I don't think so". I felt so relieved. A few days later I sent her an email using the word "transference" and, somehow that changed EVERYTHING. The following week when I went to see her she said, "I got you email and when you used the word transference...well, thats kid of a big word". I don't know what she meant by that but her next few sentences were that she couldn't see me individually anymore.

SBR, I'm so sorry about this. I was always afraid to trust my T and let him know how much I know about therapy stuff, since I started with him, I've been reading alot about it, here and there. So I think it is just so great that you were honest that you knew what wa going on, and I think it sucks that that seems to have been a big problem for her. T's who are threatened by client's knowledge and ability to understand their own process are pretty scary to think about. I was never sure, but I always got that feeling with my own T- that he didn't like me because of all the stuff I had figured out, and then read about. I tried paying dumb but that didn;'t really improve the realtionship either, SBR- honesty in therapy is crucial, and we should be able to be and say whoever we are and whatever we know without censoring ourselves out of fear of abandonment, either emotional or actual abandonment by our T's. Did you ever remind her that she had promised not to abandon you, or was that too scary to even think about..?

BB

BB,
When she said it, I was so shocked, crushed, humiliated, sad, that my mind went numb and all I could think about was, this is my last session. I had forgotten what she told me a week earlier.

Aside from all this, my therapy was coming to an end anyway, both on the couples side and individually. Personally, I had made many positive changes and my marriage was better too. I find myself looking for reasons to go to therapy and have a hard time finding them. So this makes it hard for me to argue with her decision. Bottom line is, I trusted her and formed a connection . This juSt wasn't how I wanted it to end. Actually, I didn't want it to end. I told her, when I first told her about my feelings, that I see her as a friend and nit my therapist.

Thanks BB,
-SBR

Of course you felt numb and shocked and would not know how to respond! It's truly awful what she did, it's like gaining the trust of a hurt animal, and then hurting it! I really feel for you. I am so sorry.

How are things going with your new T? I would think you have every reason to be in therapy after such a traumatic termination. It will take a long time to learn to trust and maybe, women in particular after such an experience. Especially if you had transference that was related to your wife, it would affect your relationship with your wife, I would think. I hope your spouse is being extra understanding and gentle with you, and if not, than someone needs to educate her on what is happening, because it is really difficult and painful. I hear you trying to minimize it, but you are grieving so of course you will do that.

hugs,

BB

BB,
Thanks for asking about my new T. Wevare not clicking. I've seen him about 7 or 8 times. He does ALOT of talking. I will walk into a session, say what's on my mind, and he will talk for the majority of the session. He talks about his personal life and how it relates to my problems. He does a nice job of tiring everything together but I feel that I should be able to talk more. I realized a few days ago that he hasn't even asked a question of me since say 1 when he asked if I loved my wife. That's the only thing he has asked. I think I'm done with him. Maybe I should find another??.

Also, after my discussion with my former T, she said she would contact my wife to explain and clarify some things to her.She never did! That pisses me off.

Thank you for your words BB, it was traumatizing.

-SBR

I know that she never clarified with your wife, and that is awful, especially after promising to do so. I'm sorry that she has failed you in this way.

I don't think your T should be talking about his personal life, unless it is to help you in some way that is specific to your treatment...what is his modality?

Hi BB,

I'm not exactly sure what his modality is. He works in a hospital and I found him through a program at my wides work. But I get the feeling he works with mostly kids who have serious phychological problems , way more advanced than mine. I'm assuming.

While his stories are long and kind of go off on strange tangents, they ultimately tie into my problems. It just takes him a long time to get to the point.

Thanks,
-SBR

It seem s like it might be really important to know what you need from therapy as in, do you need a listening ear, do you need coaching, do you need acceptance, are you looking for interpretations on why you react to things the way you do...etc..then it may be easier to see, if your T is meeting your needs. you could ask your T why he goes into all these stories with you, and what his purpose for doing that is?

Ultimately, I beleive that most of us enter therapy to try to get our emotional needs met, only to discover that that is not really the purpose of therapy. so we end up hurt and frustrated and confused. t's seem to have a hard time explaining honestly and directly this reality to us, and witter on about therapy being about meeting our needs- which just confuses us further.

Oh, I am bitter, though SBR- I'm not a good person to talk to about it.

BB