(((BB))) yes...I've done the same thing with my T via email communication...and I agree with what was said by Monte and FOT...that we are projecting all sorts of stuff onto our T's based on our past relationships...I, too think you are being too hard on yourself BB....(((BB)))...mlc

I'm an over achiever in this department. I managed to spectacularly mangle the intent of, in hindsight, a very supportive affirming e-mail from my T after a mere nine weeks of therapy with him.

Echoing Monte, Free On Thursdays, and mlc...projecting based on prior experiences. :insert big sigh here:

BB, are you thinking about contacting your T? (((BB)))

BB - Luckily, my T never responds to my emails...we just deal with them in session. It is like other people who bring in stuff to read, except if I wait to bring it in, it will mysteriously disappear. However, I do have the same problem with his texts, where I will "hear" things in a way which later makes no sense at all in the context of our interactions and who I know him to be as a person. I'm sure your T did care and want to help you, but even so he wasn't able to give you what you needed out of therapy. And trust me, it's not because anything you needed was unreasonable in any way. I'm sorry there is so much hurt there. And there is definitely never a need to apologize for any level of participation here. Just sharing where you are in your own journey is helping others, really, including me.

BB, I'm sorry you are hurting!

I just wanted to say that I project....have with my T (we don't email)....have with my husband of 11 years....I realize, now, I have insecurities, fear of abandonment, etc etc, and have to re-think how I think. It is a hard process.

((((BB))))

There are studies out there that show that depressed people pay more attention to negative things in their environment than positive. So I'm not surprised that you missed entirely the positive stuff he wrote. It sounds like you are having second thoughts, BB. Like, maybe you want to contact him and work with him again?

BB, I think once you can recognize that you in fact do this, pay more attention to the negative stuff or hear things differently than they are intended and can actually go back and ask T for clarification and start to chip away at that stuff, you will start the healing process. It's almost like having two conversations going on in your head at once: the old stuff, he's trying to get rid of me. And the new stuff, maybe I'm wrong about that and I need to check and see and think of other options.

It's when you become aware of this stuff and develop the ability to mentalize, as they call it, you can begin to grow. It sounds like you've been doing some very important work during this break from therapy.

xoxox

Liese

hi BB,

i understand what you're saying, i go from hot to cold on my T and her intentions all the time. but to me it seemed like the overwhelming feeling for you was that he wasn't enough for you, whether he had good intentions or not, it just seemed like he couldnt bring enough consistency and care and understanding and boundaries and whatever you needed - bring it all together to help you. i do think its a good sign though that you are seeing some of the positives too and it is totally up to you to decide where to go from here. i am sorry you are hurting and are missing him ((((BB))))

puppet

Thank you guys so much...I feel better than I did, I was freaked out by reading his caring response, it twisted my world, in some weird way. Now I'm realizing that it is possible for him to have cared as much as therapists can care- and still just not have had what I needed, largely due to the internet factor.

Puppet (said with cool English accent, of course) you have a way of succinctly saying what it is, and thanks.

Monte, thanks for your comforting words and normalizing my experinece. You really hit the nail on the head too, as usual.

FOT!!! It is really good to see you. Thank you for posting. I agree that I can feel very rejected just by the fact that T will never "come after me" or even ask...what is happening, why I would need a break, and can we talk about that.

mlc, thank you for hugs, it is lovely to see you. thanks for posting. I guess I definitely was projecting, but... there is still some kind of truth in what I experienced as rejection from my T. I *just no it.*

hemlock yes, projecting is a bear. It really sucks because it messes with our perceptions and our reality and makes us distrust ourselves besides the pain it causes. My problem was that my T never really *undid* my projections...he just accepted them, wort of, even while denying them in his laid back kind of way. It was ouchy. Hard to expalin, just...ouchy.

Yaku, yes, in a way it is better for therapy not to be done by email, in certain situations, unless the T is able to commit the sufficient time to them from day one and be consistent about it. If not it can land in bigger messes. So good on your T for having the boundary in the first place...that is a protection for you. unfortunately what I needed from him ended being way more than he was able to handle, which would have looked like...probably weekly appointments with a couple of emails in between, with him reminding me as necessary, to keep them short enough for him to handle. He didn't seem able to handle that amount of need from a client, consistently. That hurts.

Ninn, lovely to hear from you- thank you for the hugs. I totally realte. I guess I probably project with my H too, although my T never was very good at showing me exactly *how* I was probably doing that. I am glad you are learning how to re-think- that's a big acheivement and big project, you ar edoing great.

Liese as always it is great to get your response to me. Yeah, I do focus always on the negative, but sometimes it is made easier to do that by the T for some reason. He had some kind of mystical, powerful feeling to me, and I felt so ...small beside him. There was something so intoxicating about him, but ultimately destructive to me. Like alcohol, I was very dependent. In some ways I wonder if he (unconsciously) fostered that type of dependency on purpose, and then rejected it when it happened as- "me being bad."

puppet, thank you- as I said you cut tothe heart of it, it was that he didn't bring enough consistency (which is care) and understanding and boundaries and...being physcially present to me. I haven't quite decided where to go from here. I may or may not contact him again. I'm not sure what to do.

I did meet with a counselor today who did some pre-marital counseling for both me, and my H many years ago. I had actaully forgotten all about him until more recently. I really like him! I told him, has he ever met with somebody who needed therapy in order to be able to deal with their therapy? We had a laugh about that. He feels kind of...familiar and pretty safe, somehow. But totally different from my T, like- totally different. He asks questions. He even asked me if I would be ok giving him some of my family history next week. (!) He cuts to the chase pretty quick, thank God, he's a man- with a *wee* bit of a gay vibe, and no avoidance there. He's a Christian, which is important to me. He doesn't avoid stuff. He might be good. I booked another appointment. I'm ambivalent, and hopeful, and squashing my hopefulness even as a write because...how dare I be hopeful about a T. He's nice. That's all I'll say. He remembered me! He even remembered my H's name and some stuff about us. I was shocked rather, at that. I do not think my dear T will remember me at all, even now.
I told him about the transference with my T. He just cut to the chase and basically said it's a father issue and he said that I avoidant because I do not know who I am. Hm it was kind of ...good. No big mysteries or mystical powerful stuff, just two people communicating about a problem honestly and openly. He's so...normal. He *not* Gandalf, like my T was. He's like...normal. A person to talk to. I think it might be ok.

So that's where I am.

Love to you all,

BB

BB,

So glad you saw another T and that you are feeling good about it. I hope that it works out for you. You desperately need to find a T that can understand you and that you can easily talk to and be honest and open with. Hoping this works out for you!

((BB))

MTF

(((BB))) So glad you met with this potential new (is he a T or a C?) I really want to see you have the support you need with someone who can see where you're at and meet you there. I hope it continues to go well. Please keep us updated. I know it hurts right now, still, about breaking from your old T. I hope you know that I'm praying for you and thinking of you!

((((BB))))

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
...I told him about the transference with my T. He just cut to the chase and basically said it's a father issue and he said that I avoidant because I do not know who I am.

This alone earns him a thumbs up. Seems totally worth seeing him again.

I'm hopeful for you.

Aw, BB, I'm thrilled that this T has potential. Thanks for updating us...I'm so glad that you're going to see him again.

(((((((Beebs))))))) Thanks for the update. I LOVE the sound of this T you met with...the way he remembered you and your DH, the way he asked questions, the down-to-earth way it all felt to you...I get a very good feeling, too, from what you are saying, and how you "sound". And I love that it's sparking some hope in you again...you deserve to have hope, dear one. I am very much looking forward to hearing how the next session with him goes.



Love,
SG

Yay Beebs, your meeting with this T sounds pretty positive and gives a tiny ray of hope in the blackness you've been experiencing lately. Well done you for going to meet this guy - that must have taken a fair bit of stength and determination and I'm so pleased you did it.

I hope your next session gives you even more hope. Look forward to hearing about it!

Big hugs to you (((((( Beebs )))))))

LL

This sounds like a good guy to try. Good luck.

Everything crossed for you feathery one ....can I just say that he sounds really positive

All the best, it's going to feel really strange to see someone new, but I really hope he can he might help you.

starfishy

((((Beebs))))

I totally understand that trying not to be hopeful (it only gives you something to lose, right? ) but it is good to hear you be hopeful. I'll be praying.

love you, Aglet

Beebs,

I have run into a ton of problems with communication with my Ts through email and text. It just leaves so much open to interpretation. Had a HUGE fight with T1 just earlier this week because of something I said in a text that I didn't intend as a threat,but she perceived it as me threatening to quit therapy. I was shocked by her response but I should know better by now than to communicate important things in a text. So much lost in translation.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I am glad that this T has some potential. I hope that he continues to prove to be a good fit for you. Yay!

Thank you for your supportive and encouraging words, *all* of you- I appreciate you. for some reason it is hard to read any words of encouragement about any new T, isn't that crazy? I've been having some second thoughts (of course) about this, and really wanting to contact *my* T. I'm missing him real bad, and feeling pretty spacy, depressed and disconnected from stuff. It's like living life looking through broken glass at myself. Little bits of memories and motivation- just..no rhythm to my life, no peace or sense of purpose or...memory that gels. I know it's...depresssion and alchohol and missing my T, but it is unsettling emotionally when I become aware or realize that it's just not a normal way to function...soemthing. this T said I should go on anti-depressants, that it was probably a post-partum depression (from 4 years ago?) ..I said that I dont' want my mood dependent on a pill...and he said "but you don't mind your mood being dependent on alcohol..?" I had to laugh, you know...he got me there.

I feel...unfaithful to my T, which I know is ridiculous, but.. I miss him. His ways. his way of being with me. At this point, all I have to hang onto to stop me contacting him and asking to come back...is the undeniable fact that I wasn't getting better under his care, but was getting actually worse. Interiorly, more insighftul, interiorly more self-aware...but exteriorly, much worse. I still think that this will happen with any other T, too. I am sorry guys. I shouldn't let hope go like that. It's just hard to say yes to what is happening right now.



Sorry for being so...

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
...this T said I should go on anti-depressants, that it was probably a post-partum depression (from 4 years ago?) ..I said that I dont' want my mood dependent on a pill...and he said "but you don't mind your mood being dependent on alcohol..?"

This guy really sounds like he's worth a shot.

I totally get the no-pill position. I'm in the same boat with you, definitely needing something but resisting that route.

His response is good -- sharp, funny. Maybe a T who will challenge you like this is what you need. At times, I find that witty pointed banter engages my brain when I'm stuck more so than other approaches. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

MTF, Yaku, Liese, Kashley, hemlock,FOT, Strummergirl,LL, stoppers, starfish, Aglet, LG, Monte, FOt and hemlock- again...gosh, you guys have been so supportive of me,, and I just never came back to thank everyone. I am sorry about that. Something has happened where I just have not been able to talk about anything therapy related, and also, it has been hard with my H around so much, it really plays havoc if I sit on the computer for more than literally 5 minutes. He's out this morning, so I'm taking just a few minutes to try to catch up and just at tleast thank all you guys. I met yesterday with a therapist I connected with on email briefly, I had described my situation briefly to him, and I gave him a try. It was a total wash, he basically siad that I did the right thing to walk away and why didn't I do it long ago if the therapist wasn't helping me? He said that understanding my dependency issues and my ambivalence about therapy, he wouldn't want to see much of me, but we could start by meeting every two week. Even though I *told* him that regular sessions and my T being reluctant to provide more and trying to get me to move away from him was what was causing most of the problems in my therapy. Whatever. He really triggered me, I won't see him again- he got me to divulge *so* much information in the first session, it was awful. I felt like *such* a therapy loser. He kept going on about how it sounds like it got way too much about the relationship between us and that is really bad way to do therapy, so I shouldn't go back to my T because of *that.* At the end, I said something about how my T made me feel like he was my father- and this guy, said "well, I'm not going to take the bait on that one, since we only have 5 minutes left." So I said ok, and got my checkbook out, and then- get this- he backtracked and said..."oh, it's ok, we can talk about it, I'm not a clock-watcher..." I didn't want to I tried to just write my check, but he kept trying to talk more, and...yuck. I couldn't wait to get the heck out of there!
Leaving was very therapeutic. Relief therapy.

So, if I decide to stick with therapy, I will stick with this other guy that my H and I saw for awhile before we were married, if I decide to continue with therapy at all apart from my own T. At least this guy doesn't make me nervous and unhappy, he is just...kinda there. idk. underwhelming, very nice guy, someone to talk to I guess, but I'm just not into it, except I don't really know what else to do, since I still have symptoms.
I'm still on the fence on that issue. I feel like- why would I do therapy, now? This guy I've seen twice (the good one) is nice but- it's just feeling very pointless.

It feels pretty pointless to do therapy unless it is with *my* T. He was not to blame for what happened. It was me. I couldn't figure out what the realtionship was supposed to be, what I was supposed to do, behave like. I kept forgetting that it was a professional relationship, and I think that my T was at a loss how to deal with that, and I don't blame him. It was that relationship that I wanted to figure out- what is wrong with me that I do *this* - and how do I stop- and doing all that would have been therapeutic. I can't explain it- but that is really how it feels. So there I am. I just feel like what is the point, what is the use? I'm just...really disinterested.

I'm sorry I have not been around much to support this summer so far. I will try to find some time again, soon, but I wanted to give a little update, because I realized that I had just disappeared without explanation, and even though I know that's not a big deal, still, I am sorry about that.

hug,

BB

(((BB))) Sorry your meeting with this other potential T went so blah. I had a transference reaction to that guy just reading about it.

For what it's worth, I don't think there is anything bad or wrong about therapy being about the relationship issues. I think others, who are more knowledgeable than I about such things, would probably note that for attachment injuries, much of the "work" of therapy is sorting out the therapeutic relationship. I know it is in my case and I can see it with a lot of the other T relationships on this forum. So, I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all when that comes into play in your therapy. That doesn't mean a T shouldn't have good boundaries about their side of the equation, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you needing to work THROUGH the relationship rather than work AROUND it. I mean, honestly, that's how life gets done and how it was designed to work. If there is anything unnatural, it is a T convincing him or herself that the therapeutic relationship should have no meaning to either party. I'm sorry you are losing heart and it hurts me to hear. I hope you do keep seeing the "nice guy" for support in this time of transition with breaking from T and stuff with your SD...and then, maybe when it feels right, take another try at finding a new T? I know there are others on here who now have lovely Ts who had to try at least a few times before finding the right fit.

((((hugs)))) and prayers your way, BB. If any of this is not helpful, just ignore. Thinking of you!

Hi Beebs...thank you so much for the update. I have been thinking of you and I also have been away for almost a week. I'm not in a place where I can write much now, just wanted to say that I'm glad you left that latest T and won't go back. I did not like the sound of him at all. I do think that the guy you know from years ago sounds nice and reasonable and maybe even informed about what is needed for you. I can't really say at this point because I don't know enough about him. Maybe you can tell us more about him when you have some computer time?

As for what you are feeling....I have had so many of the same feelings and internal conflicts since being tossed out by oldT. It's really really hard to recover from a failed therapy so don't be too tough on you. That whole betraying the oldT with the newT is a theme as well as not being fair to the newT because you still love the oldT stuff. I just want to tell you that if the new T is good and knowledgeable and kind enough for you to stick with... it does get better. I can now say that I am firmly attached to my current T. He is my light and I care very much for him. I missed him so much when I was away and when I came back he was there being himself, strong, kind, caring, consistent. Nothing changed, which I am very thankful for. BUT... I felt nothing for him in the beginning.... well maybe just anger that he was NOT my oldT... not as warm and fuzzy and certainly did not look the same and his office was so different. Those changes freaked me out to the point where it was hard to "see" him or internalize him. It's much better now. But it took 10 months of twice per week sessions to get to this point. I think it is IMPERATIVE that you have at least steady weekly sessions with whomever you chose to see. It's that consistency and dependability that helps to heal.

Love to you Beebs,
TN

((((BB))))

That guy just sounds like a real jerk. He could give a course in how to lose a potential client. I have to tell you that on one of the consults I went to back in FEb, one of the T's I saw made a comment about my dependency issues, which I didn't know at that point I had. But I saw dollar signs ringing in his head. So, I guess it depends on the T, whether or not they see it as a bad thing,

My current T has never made an issue of my dependency issues. It just is what it is. I need what I need right now and that's okay. Beebs, it just usually means that you didn't get to rely enough on your parents when you were little. I even read an interesting article about how our needs just don't stop once we become adults. It's just that the people who got their needs met in childhood become adept as adults in getting their needs met and continue to do so. Those of us who were unfortunate enough not to have our needs met, often don't know how and things just keep getting worse and worse for us.

I say, if I am allowed to have an opinion, that since you might be shopping for a new T that you should be really picky and hold out for one you really like.

As far as feeling vulnerable afterwards, I'm wondering if next time you can try to control things a little more so you don't reveal TOO much info the first time around. I went on a consult and the guy took control of the session and went down a checklist and stupid me answered every question and then, like you, I felt really vulnerable afterwards. When I recently went on the pysch consult, I was determined to control the information I gave so that I didn't wind up feeling vulnerable like that again. You will get better at these consults as you go along. You are the consumer afterall and you have the power. (In theory, anyway!!!)

Sorry things are still so crappy.



Liese

He is not a clock watcher?! what about a c**k sucker?? sorry...pms again
so sorry you had to go through that ((bb)) last thing u needed
yes your t is to blame. Like u said he was at a loss of how to deal with it. Or u could share the blame for now if you prefer.
I am proud of u how well you're doing under the circumstances, trying to move forward. Take care
puppet

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
...At the end, I said something about how my T made me feel like he was my father- and this guy, said "well, I'm not going to take the bait on that one..."

The bait?! Like you're trolling for his comments?! That would be enough for me.

quote:

....Leaving was very therapeutic. Relief therapy.

Great laugh!

quote:

So, if I decide to stick with therapy, I will stick with this other guy that my H and I saw for awhile before we were married, if I decide to continue with therapy at all apart from my own T. At least this guy doesn't make me nervous and unhappy, he is just...kinda there. idk. underwhelming, very nice guy, someone to talk to I guess, but I'm just not into it, except I don't really know what else to do, since I still have symptoms.

Can you visit the nice/normal T for a few more sessions to hash out whether it's worth returning to your old T? At the very least, it might get you on the road to forming a relationship with Nice/Normal and continue from there.

Sad for your ambivalence (but totally understand it!) -- that's a difficult place to be when you are still hurting and need help.

Dear Beebs,

I just caught up with this thread and I want to say the nice guy sounds really nice and the not-nice guy sounds AWFUL. Stay away from him.

I liked everything you wrote about the other guy. My experience with Manatee is that down-to-earth and kind of underwhelming has been really really good. No mystical powerful stuff. Fantastic. Often I come away from Manatee and build things up in my head between sessions - then when I go back there he's just a guy. He doesn't try to do anything earth-shattering to me like probe my soul or reinvent my internal dynamics, he just talks with me, listens. That has been really really helpful, and it has meant I haven't done some huge transference roller-coaster. It's good - not damaging.

I wonder if the underwhelming feeling is about NOT being caught in a reenactment. The powerful seduction of reenactments - the reason they catch us - is that it DOES feel like this is our chance to make things better, to finally right the wrong and learn to be a better person. But if the other person is also caught in their own reenactment, this is a wolf in a sheep-coat - more addiction in the clothing of healing.

I know it feels pointless to go on but this is precisely why it's important to keep seeking help. That is the illness of depression making it seem pointless. As you say, you still have symptoms - depression is hurting you, alcohol has a hold on you, you still need to heal so you can be the mum you want to be for your kids.

So you have my total support to continue seeing this guy who seems nice. And if he turns out not to be right, there will be someone else.

I want to say too that I so hurt for you to see your surprise that he asked if it was ok to talk about some family background. That's just straightforward decent counselling with a considerate approach. I long for the day when you will be secure in a relationship where the basic stuff is provided, without you having to fight for it or deny yourself.

Love,
Jones

Wow, Beebs. That T sounds like a complete idiot...or, he's VERY talented at scaring clients away.

I hope, in the meantime, that the other T can bring you even a tiny bit of comfort...I like him from what you've written.

quote:

I wonder if the underwhelming feeling is about NOT being caught in a reenactment. The powerful seduction of reenactments - the reason they catch us - is that it DOES feel like this is our chance to make things better, to finally right the wrong and learn to be a better person. But if the other person is also caught in their own reenactment, this is a wolf in a sheep-coat - more addiction in the clothing of healing.

Jones, this is very well put. This is exactly what was so difficult for me with my current T. Therapy with HIM was not a reenactment and he would not allow it to be and so it felt strange and discomforting and I was so out of sorts as to what to do and how to feel and react to him. We spent some time analyzing why I was feeling so different with him and how I would tell him that the warm fuzzies were missing from him and I had so much of that with my oldT.... he asked me so many thoughtful questions and we figured out that what I was getting from oldT was not a reaction of a T but more like a friend who was experiencing the same emotions that I was and who understood it from a wounded point of view and not as a T who could empathize but keep his feelings out of it and focus on MY feelings. It's hard to explain but once we discussed it I totally understood what was so different about this therapy... and while it feels strange it's really working!

So Beebs, I know it feels strange but I would encourage you to stay with this new, nice T for awhile to see how it unfolds. I gave new T 3 months to decide if there was potential for us to stay together for the long haul and work through the abandonment and grief. Then I gave him another 3 months to decide if I could move on with him past the grief part and do therapy again. He has passed all tests so far with flying colors but I could not know that from day 1. It took some time, seeing him weekly and then twice per week.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hugs
TN

Thank you so much for all the supportive replies. I sent this guy (whom I will call OAT for undisclosed reasons!) an email today saying simply, that I appreciated meeting with him but that I would not be pursuing a course of counseling with him. done deal. relief. felt good.

In a way I guess it was good to have something to measure this other T (C?) against. The reality is that I do still struggle with alchohol and depression, and I am not sure still, how to get my life on track, despite having enough insight to do it myself, I *just don't.* grrr. So...TN you asked about this guy, I will call him Cowboy T. So far things he has said (still smattering memory wise about therapy sessions) are:
"I would like to challenge you, that what you are carrying is not guilt but a very large load of shame. Guilt is about behavior- shame is about thinking we are defective. And some of the things you told me are hugely degrading. It makes sense that you would be carrying this load of shame." hm...ok. I knew that...but it still helped to hear it said. um...I like that he talks about this, without so much damn empathy. I mean he is pretty matter-of-fact and I think in my case that is good. like really good. I can easily get caught up in the really dark stuff, and empathy opens that up pretty quickly for me...it is something my SD has always been very careful to avoid giving me,except in very small and off-handed gestures, and this guy seems to be careful not to be too empathetic with me too. I really appreciate that. Crazy sounding? But true, it works for me. and I don't want to go there into empathy-land like I did with my T. Even though.

What else...he said..after I told him about T not working out, and my SD leaving too, and...well there is actually another recent abandonment I have been dealing with that I have not been able to talk to anyone about because it is just too bad, but it is there, I know.. he said "I get the sense that you must be feeling like, if you share too deeply too honestly...people leave, they disappear." It's not earth shakingly profound stuff like my T make me think about- it's just simple, and true, and it *does* make me think. Not about deep profound stuff- but about *me.* And...I wondered if it was an implicit invitation. It's just so foreign feeling. Like..yeh- so? but. Maybe where I need to go.

Another thing I liked...the last time we met, I was able to share a lot about my past, but I didn't feel pushed, at least not overly pushed (yeah Liese, this guy OAT had the checklist too! And Like you, I answered *every* question except for one about my marriage. He scribbled furiously! And when I was silent on one question, he just sat there, looking at me, waiting... ) With my T...idk...it was all so mysterious and profound and he wouldn't *ask* me stuff, not ever, or at least..no I really don't think he ever asked me stuff- actually- this guy is different. He asks, but he asks if it ok to ask, if I am ok with the question. Like Jones said about Manatee:

quote:

He doesn't try to do anything earth-shattering to me like probe my soul or reinvent my internal dynamics, he just talks with me, listens.

Yeah, I think cowboy T and Manatee might be kinda similar. Like Monte said, it is maybe all I can deal with right now- who knows he might even know that on some level and be keeping it light on purpose, but more likely, I think it is just the way he works.

He also recommended a book by Brene Brown who has been recommended on here by AG, called "the Gifts of Imperfection. He said "I'm giving you a book to read. because I think you will like it." Oh and one time he said "What are you going to take out of here when you leave today? That was the first session. I liked that. I think he might be good. Underwhelming might be good. I just hope I can overcome the apathy that I seem to feel most of the time about it, I *just don't really care.* on some level. I told him that, and he said "Yeah, but on some level I think you do...do you know why?" I said "or I wouldn't be here" and he said that is right. hm, my T was all freaked when I told him I didn't care, and would say..."then I do not know how I can help you." and stuff like that. I could feel myself being pulled into an emotional vortex of despair and total apathy every time that happened, in all seriousness. creepy. I never want to expereince that feeling again. never, ever, ever.
Hm. He noticed I got my hair cut. like after only one session, he noticed that. He must be pretty observent. I shook his hand when I left both times and it just seemed like the right normal thing to do. idk. He's underwhelming. I miss my T. But I do feel encouraged by reading your responses everyone, all of you. I was seriously close to contacting my T and asking if I can work with him again after meeting with OAT. Maybe I'll give this chap (cowboy T,) one more session or two, just to see if...idk. Just see. It might help? idk. I haven't talked much about my T to him...it just hasn't felt alright to do that for some reason. Even though...it's kinda festery. He said he couldn't really comment on the situation or something like that... idk.

You guys rock. completely. I hope to be back soon, but today has been unusual in terms of the amount of time I've been able to be on computer. I'll see cowboy T on thursday I guess.

hugs lovelies,

BB

BB...I'm really liking the sound of CowboyT... he just seems so direct and unafraid of confronting what needs to be said and he has a way of cutting through the fog to get to the point. He shows insight and understanding. I like that he noticed your hair. My T makes lots of comments on my appearance...which was a new thing for me to experience. It meant that he actually could SEE ME which was wonderful and disconcerting at the same time LOL.

But heck, I turned the tables on him FINALLY and told him two weeks ago that he looks good in pink shirts!! He laughed loudly and said "thanks". So cute.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing more about CowboyT and your sessions with him. Beebs... this takes so much strength and courage to do and I'm VERY proud of you. Just keep showing up at therapy and I know it will get better for you.

BTW, I do know that you miss your T. I know how complicated the grief is. I'm sorry you have to feel it.

Hugs
TN

BB - the cowboy T sounds like a good place to try. The other one you described sounded like a horrible T. I am glad you told him you would not be back. Good luck with CT.

aw thank s you guys...I do feel a bit more hopeful after reading what everyone says. I forgot to tell you the best thing, cause I forgot about it. totally non-avoidant, this guy- when I left, i told him I might cancel appointment because I might interview another T. He was like "can I ask who it is?" I was like:"Why?" He said: "Oh, because I can help you. I can tell you if it is a good T or not." I was like really? He said really. so I told him, and he said "Well, I don't know much about him, but I can tell you that I have not heard anything *bad* about him. That is all I know. so if you find he is great and you can get way more from him, then go, and I wish you all the best." Then I said I probably would be back. I shook his hand and he patted my shoulder, and... I though gosh I have a shoulder patting T here, just like TN! haha. Seriously, I liked that response. Just so down to earth, no big thing. Normal. Yeah, I'll give him a bit of time, maybe I get better, who knows.

BB,

Since you're in the thick of it, it's probably hard to recognize or hear the faint tone of hope and anticipation in your posts, but I hear it. I'm eager to know how your next session goes with CT.

BB,

I like the sound of Cowboy T, in that his honesty and openness seem to go along with a genuine desire to help. From what you say he seems confident in his own ability, not full of himself, but a simple confidence that might help you to know you are in safe hands.

It is going to be different from Old T and SD, but in a way I am glad he is so different, so you are not constantly expecting him to do or say similar things. Fingers all crossed for you BB.

starfishy
PS - why cowboy T? I have visions of a big hat and cowboy boots at the very least

Good luck BB with the new guy. He sounds like a good guy this time. Give him a chance and who knows? I'm glad you found him.

Thank you Smiley, stoppers, Dragonfly, starfish, TN, and Hemlock- and all you wonderful people who wrote back to me before, too. Thank you Kashley, Jones, Monte, deepfried, puppet, Liese Yaku TN, and everyone, all of you. I hope I did not forget to mention anyone, but I've read and re-read your replies and they helped so much.

Hemlock I do not know if I feel anticipation or hope or what I feel. I don't dare to feel those things, you know what I mean? I miss my T, very much, mostly I feel really, really incredibly stupid and very ashamed for going to therapy with anybody else but my T, after two whole years of therapy that only made things worse- I think he would think I'm stupid needy or pathetic and attention-seeking for doing that, too, or he would think that I am somehow cheating on my H by "just trying to fill my emotional needs elsewhere" or something like that. Or somehow in some way just *bad* for going to therapy any longer with him or with anyone else. And so I keep hoping that he will answer that last email I sent to him. The reality is that if he were to email me and ask how I am doing, and respond to that last email with even a shred of hope that my therapy with him could be salvaged, or a shred of beleif in what we were doing in therapy- or even a shred of belief that he could help me turn things around within the therapy he was doing for me for the better, if that is what he thought needed to happen-- well, I would go back to doing therapy with him in a heartbeat if he said anything like that and ditch Cowboy pretty quick. But I don't think *he* believes in his ability to help me. I think he just thinks I am bad person for going to therapy in the first place. I kinda think he is right, but I don't know for sure if he even thinks that, but that he didn't respond to my email asking these types of questions seems to confirm that. I never thought that my Doctor believed I needed to be there meeting with him in the first place! I think he thought is was wrong of me. So I also think, it was wrong of me in some way I don't fully understand. So maybe this is wrong too. Maybe I really don't need therapy. Maybe I am just looking of trouble looking for attention, something. Maybe everything really is fine.

(Oh, starfish, I call this other guy Cowboy T cause he talks with a bit of a drawl of some kind, and the first time I met him he had cowboy-type jeans on, and he has this little gold hoop earring that unnerves me a little bit and looks kinda weird on him since he is very distinguished looking otherwise- maybe I should have called him Pirate- T, but his personality seems just like, idk, Cowboy-ish. He is very nice, and probably very smart, but he is not my T.

I wish I wouldn't keep checking my inbox every day hoping against hope that my T will respond to my mail as he promised he would. He said three weeks, it has been now I think nearly two months. I can't remember. A month and a half at least. I guess I can't help it I just keep hoping, and then I wonder if I am supposed to remind him, or if that would just be too pathetic.

I am really really sorry that I have not been keeping up with the forum and the threads, or responding to others, I hope so much that all of you are doing well. I will try to find some time to read after my H goes to bed tonight. He is back right now so I have to go.

Love, xo,

BB

quote:

his personality seems just like, idk, Cowboy-ish. He is very very nice, but he is not my T.

Oh Beebs... you sound so much like me! You remember how when I first started with my current T how I used to refer to him as newT and there was oldT. But then one day newT was not newT any longer he was MY T! He was very much myT in all ways. I told him about this one day in session. I told him how I would only write about him as newT and that oldT was really my T not him. But then one day it just felt right and he became MY T. He liked the story and thanked me for telling him. He said it was good for him to know this.

I understand how hard it is to switch gears so quickly and how hard it is to give up on the former therapy. We both worked so hard to make progress and to SAVE the relationships. We couldn't do it not because we are failure but because our oldT's would not allow the relationship to be saved. They were not up to being the T's we needed to help us grow and move forward and also to allow the attachment to bloom and grow. I fully believe that the attachment is KEY and if a T resents it or fears it, then we get stuck and tend to be fearful of the relationship because it never feels steady and dependable and consistent. I also understand the internal conflict and not feeling like there is room inside of you for another T. That you feel somehow disloyal to your oldT to allow cowboy T into your head, heart and life. But it's not Beebs. It's just doing what needs to be done in order to heal.

I'm sorry your oldT disappointed you one last time in not responding to your email that he promised to answer in 3 weeks. I hesitate to say he will never answer but I think you should stop pinning your hopes on hearing from him. I don't think he is courageous enough to answer your questions and to address the issues you raised. I'm sorry for this. But I do think you will be much better off with a new T. It will take time to establish trust in this new relationship but it WILL happen. You will heal and grow Beebs and I look forward to hearing all about it!!

Hugs,
TN

Beebs,

I'm sorry you are still waiting on that response. I can relate to that waiting and hoping. I want to echo everything that TN has said. I really do think you will be better off with a new T. I'm sorry it hurts so much.

Many many safe hugs. (((((Beebs)))))