Really hoping it went ok beebers. Thoughts and biggest hug.
Hi, guys- thanks you so much for your concern. I am doing ok the session went well I think. I'm still missing my T. I'm finding Cowboy to be nice, good, challenging. But besides one session, I haven't really felt particularly connected and I'm struggling to figure out why I am there besides just- that I'm depressed and I can't see my T anymore right now. I don't think that Cowboy is particularly into the mode of therapy that promotes any deep healing connection between therapist and client- I tend to suspect he is very goals and results oriented, without really being specifically CBT or anything. I don't know what it is. He's a guy to talk to, he wants to help, he cahllenges me to think differently and not to just accept myself as I am. I appreciate that he challenges me on stuff, challenges my thinking. But- I can't see any transference or attachment/emotional connection happening, maybe I'm just far too shut down to allow it after what happened with my doc on that score. I wouldn't trust it anymore. It's like- my heart isn't in this. My heart is really with my T still, and I don't know how to get it back from him.
I will keep going to my appointments, though. In time I may be able to open up more authentically- I sincerely hope so. I have started medication. Maybe it is really just a chemical imbalance in my brain and there will be fixed by taking a pill. I don't know what else to do, since my kids need a better mom. I have almost entirely quit drinking, and for some reason, I don't feel the same pull to alcohol lately that I had. I hope it lasts.
Love,
BB
I will keep going to my appointments, though. In time I may be able to open up more authentically- I sincerely hope so. I have started medication. Maybe it is really just a chemical imbalance in my brain and there will be fixed by taking a pill. I don't know what else to do, since my kids need a better mom. I have almost entirely quit drinking, and for some reason, I don't feel the same pull to alcohol lately that I had. I hope it lasts.
Love,
BB
quote:Going to my T was a purely mechanical thing and I resented the fact that this was who I now had to 'depend' upon. I resented him because he was now my only option. But it worked out well.
This describes me well too, when I first started seeing my current T. Like there was no other option since I really needed to talk to someone and my oldT was out of the picture. I resented my T for not being oldT and I was pretty resentful and angry in the beginning. I complained about all sorts of things and my T was so understanding.
So I just kept going and going and talking and getting challenged. As we both got to know each other we both started to develop caring feelings. He says he cares about me and he does protect me. I believe him and it's a nice feeling. But in the beginning he didn't know me from a hole in the wall so why would he care about me (or me him?) That would have been strange. We needed time to get to know each other. And a T can only know you if you allow him too... so I tried really hard in that area.
I know your heart is still with your old T Beebs, that is only natural. You are still grieving him. It takes time... a lot of time... but you will get there.
Glad you stopped the drinking. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Hugs
TN
Beebs I meant to reply to you ages ago and never got around to it, to thank you for the update.
How are you doing now? I know you've said you are having difficulty getting on here very much, so don't worry if you haven't got the time or opportunity to post, just wanted to send you my best wishes and hopes that CowboyT is still in the running as potentially YOUR T.
((((((((( BB )))))))))
LL
How are you doing now? I know you've said you are having difficulty getting on here very much, so don't worry if you haven't got the time or opportunity to post, just wanted to send you my best wishes and hopes that CowboyT is still in the running as potentially YOUR T.
((((((((( BB )))))))))
LL
quote:Going to my T was a purely mechanical thing and I resented the fact that this was who I now had to 'depend' upon. I resented him because he was now my only option. But it worked out well.
Thank you Monte- I can't really say that I resent Cowboy at this point, I suppose. I just don't really have any particular feelings for him, except that I know I need *someone* (anyone) to help me at this point in time. He's nice and I appreciate him. kwim?
I wanted to thank Kashley for her thoughtful reply to me before, as well- and puppet and TN and Monte and LL- and starfishy- thank you for all the support.
Thanks for checking up with me LL- it's always so nice to come here and see posts on the thread. Maybe I should start a new one..idk.
I had another session with cowboy T yesterday. I took a risk and when he asked me what I've been thinking about this week, I told him that I just constantly miss my old T and I feel really stupid about that. He asked me "What do you miss?" And I tried to come up with it, but I just couldn't think or put words to it, besides "I miss his face." He really challenges me to talk to him, pushes for answers, and I so appreciate that. I tried to connect with him yesterday, and I did feel better after I left. Last week we had a session that I found very difficult, I remember we talked about my marriage and stuff around that I found it very difficult and disconnected- he ssemed to be saying a lot of the same things that my T said about my marriage. This eek I told Cowboy that I guess I should be pushing my H to come in with me (my T was always pushing for that, subtly guilting me) and Cowboy said "No, I don't think it is time for that yet." It really helped me feel less guilty. I also told him it would be really hard to keep coming weekly in the fall when my H returns to work, because of childcare, and he told me he has evening appointments on Wednesdays and we can do that. So he really makes himself available, and he *is* consistent and reliable. I find that strangely comforting. He just seems to follow the same routine every session. And he doesn't take anything I say personally! I really love that. I was cringing when I said I miss my T, but he was totally unfazed. Last week I told him that I hate talking to him and he didn't even bat an eye. It's really nice not being constantly worried and stressed out about his feelings, that is actually- a very big relief. There is no question of his having or developing inappropriate feeling either negative or positive for me- I just sense that. And I sense that if he did, it just wouldn't be a big issue that he had to work really hard to conceal or something like that. He doesn't seem to be afraid to have feelings about clients. And yet- he acts interested in me, and he at least acts like he likes me. But also- It doesn't seem like he has to go out of his way to make sure I know that he *doesn't* particularly like me, or care much for me in a personal way- you know? SO that just helps make it less painful and confusing. He spends a lot of the time chatting with me, just gentle banter. It makes it so much easier to talk about other stuff that is more personal in nature.
But- in spite of all of this- I miss my T *more than ever.!* I still want to do the work with him even though clearly- he was harming me. wtf is that?It's not getting easier, even though- I'm definitely nowhere near as depressed and totally dysfunctional as I was when I was with my T. What is wrong with me, that I cannot stop thinking about him, thinking of his face, wishing I could just see him smile at me, or hear the kindliness in his voice again? And I can't think he was a bad T- I just can't accept that, I don't believe it. I really do believe that it was something wrong in me that made it go wrong, for some reason- that I was just so screwed up and bad and inappropriate about my therapy, that my T had to tell me that he would answer my email telling him what problems I had with him, and asking him if we could possibly salvage the therapy- and then never answer it after all. That was his way of getting rid of me, without actually saying "I do not want to work with you anymore." I firmly believe it. He probably even tells himself that it was in my best interests to do that. Or- he just totally and completely forgot about me, that seems much more likely. "Unfortunately, I am fully booked for the next three weeks, and will no have the time to answer such a comprehensive email until then." And then never answer it.
I still haven't been able to really process what happened, I feel very much in limbo, but that is pretty normal a feeling for me so I don't notice it much.
however- I am doing better, functionally. I thank all of you for putting up with me so much posting over the past two years, and helping me deal with and process so much pain. You really are an amazing, very caring and loving group of friends, and I count myself lucky to know you, all of you.
Love,
BB
quote:I really do believe that it was something wrong in me that made it go wrong, for some reason- that I was just so screwed up and bad and inappropriate about my therapy, that my T had to tell me that he would answer my email telling him what problems I had with him, and asking him if we could possibly salvage the therapy- and then never answer it after all.
Hi Beebs... it was great to read your update about Cowboy T. I put in the quote above so I could ask you why, then, can you do very good therapy with Cowboy T? What is different about the two therapy situations?? Uh, the T! You are still the same lovable wonderful person/patient... but the T is different. To me that sounds like your oldT was inadequate and not competent to give you the help you need. And the reason you have not heard from him is not that you were too awful to help or a bad patient or that there was something terribly wrong with you... it is that your oldT was not up to the work that a good psychodynamic T should be able to do. There was something in his past that made him fearful of emotional intimacy that happens in long term therapy situations. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing unfixable or hopeless about you at all.
I'm so glad that your new T is making himself available to you in the evenings so you can continue to see him in the Fall. Keep up the good work Beebs. I know you are not able to feel anything for the Cowboy now... but just keep going to see him. This will change over time and you will eventually start to have those nice positive feelings for him.
Hugs,
TN
Hello Beebs and thanks for telling us about your latest session with Cowboy T. It does sound as if this therapy is much gentler and more attuned to your needs, and though you don’t seem to have any strong feelings about it or your new T at the moment, at least you are hanging in there and giving it all a chance. 
Just wanted to comment on how you feel like you really want to keep doing the work with oldT. This made me think of when I was seeing PsychoT and spent those four months in an agony of anger, fear and need – experiencing T both as messing about with me and at the same time doing exactly what I needed him to do – I even took a short break I was feeling so overwhelmed by all the negative stuff coming up in me because of the therapy and decided that I really did trust this guy and that we really were doing the work that would be healing for me. I finally committed to him and the therapy and felt myself becoming attached.
But when I asked to go back to him he effectively terminated me with a very cold letter and some excuse about not having any spaces left and wouldn’t have any for several months (your oldT’s comment about being too busy to reply to your last email reminded me of that, how can a T be TOO BUSY for three weeks solid to respond to a client????) Anyway what your situation reminds me of is how I felt after having all connection with PsychoT cut by him and going off to find another T and feeling like, but I’m not doing the work anymore. With PsychoT I was in such emotional turmoil that it felt so much like I was dealing with core issues, and also the very fact that I was actually FEELING something (however bad it felt) made me feel connected to him. This is what I’m wondering whether the way you are continuing to feel about oldT isn’t similar? That you were in such emotional upheaval all the time you were in therapy with him that it felt to you like you actually had emotions and issues right there, experiencing them in the here and now with oldT, and feeling like that was the work? And now you’re becalmed and not feeling very much one way or the other with Cowboy T and wondering whether maybe the emotional roller coaster with oldT wasn’t really where the work of therapy was at after all?
I also relate to your absolving oldT of all blame in what happened with your therapy and taking responsibility for it yourself, that’s exactly how I felt (and still do to a certain degree) about PsychoT’s terminating me. Though rationally I know that he was probably not up to the job of helping me and that he ducked out of it in a really cowardly way, I do still feel that it was me and how I was in therapy that made him not be able to help me and want to get rid of me. I would never go back to him, but I often think about writing him a letter telling him what I think of him and how his incompetence made me feel.
You know that might be something helpful you could do, write a letter to oldT outlining all the things you are thinking and feeling about him and your therapy together – even if you don’t send it, it might help you a lot in coming to terms with everything. It’s so very obvious you are still connected to oldT in a big way – I hope you aren’t beating yourself up for still feeling strongly towards him or telling yourself you should be over him or anything. It was a long emotionally intense relationship, if you never see him again you’re still going to need to mourn its ending. And that takes time.
But I’m really glad you are persevering with Cowboy T – it does sound as if he is the complete opposite of oldT and I suspect that is part of what’s making it hard for you to connect to him. But connection in therapy can also take a long time (well for some of us
). It’s quite likely that Cowboy T’s approach may actually be the healing approach you need, but you won’t know that except in retrospect. So Beebs I do hope you will keep at it.
((((((((( Beebs ))))))))
LL
Just wanted to comment on how you feel like you really want to keep doing the work with oldT. This made me think of when I was seeing PsychoT and spent those four months in an agony of anger, fear and need – experiencing T both as messing about with me and at the same time doing exactly what I needed him to do – I even took a short break I was feeling so overwhelmed by all the negative stuff coming up in me because of the therapy and decided that I really did trust this guy and that we really were doing the work that would be healing for me. I finally committed to him and the therapy and felt myself becoming attached.
But when I asked to go back to him he effectively terminated me with a very cold letter and some excuse about not having any spaces left and wouldn’t have any for several months (your oldT’s comment about being too busy to reply to your last email reminded me of that, how can a T be TOO BUSY for three weeks solid to respond to a client????) Anyway what your situation reminds me of is how I felt after having all connection with PsychoT cut by him and going off to find another T and feeling like, but I’m not doing the work anymore. With PsychoT I was in such emotional turmoil that it felt so much like I was dealing with core issues, and also the very fact that I was actually FEELING something (however bad it felt) made me feel connected to him. This is what I’m wondering whether the way you are continuing to feel about oldT isn’t similar? That you were in such emotional upheaval all the time you were in therapy with him that it felt to you like you actually had emotions and issues right there, experiencing them in the here and now with oldT, and feeling like that was the work? And now you’re becalmed and not feeling very much one way or the other with Cowboy T and wondering whether maybe the emotional roller coaster with oldT wasn’t really where the work of therapy was at after all?
I also relate to your absolving oldT of all blame in what happened with your therapy and taking responsibility for it yourself, that’s exactly how I felt (and still do to a certain degree) about PsychoT’s terminating me. Though rationally I know that he was probably not up to the job of helping me and that he ducked out of it in a really cowardly way, I do still feel that it was me and how I was in therapy that made him not be able to help me and want to get rid of me. I would never go back to him, but I often think about writing him a letter telling him what I think of him and how his incompetence made me feel.
You know that might be something helpful you could do, write a letter to oldT outlining all the things you are thinking and feeling about him and your therapy together – even if you don’t send it, it might help you a lot in coming to terms with everything. It’s so very obvious you are still connected to oldT in a big way – I hope you aren’t beating yourself up for still feeling strongly towards him or telling yourself you should be over him or anything. It was a long emotionally intense relationship, if you never see him again you’re still going to need to mourn its ending. And that takes time.
But I’m really glad you are persevering with Cowboy T – it does sound as if he is the complete opposite of oldT and I suspect that is part of what’s making it hard for you to connect to him. But connection in therapy can also take a long time (well for some of us
). It’s quite likely that Cowboy T’s approach may actually be the healing approach you need, but you won’t know that except in retrospect. So Beebs I do hope you will keep at it.((((((((( Beebs ))))))))
LL
Thank you LL and TN. I appreciate your words. TN, the reason it is working with Cowboy T so far, is that we have no relationship. We talk about my issues, but not the relationship between us, so it is ok, because I'm not going to go there ever again, even if I stay with him for awhile. Because- why would my T, whom I absolutely *know* to be a caring, compassionate and gifted therapist- harm *me?* It only makes sense, that the reason my therapist would have been harming me, is *something wrong with me.* I know he would never do that on purpose. It was me harming myself through our relationship someway. And now I want to put the blame on him, instead of taking the responsibility on myself where it belongs. That's all it is. I feel so messed up.
But-
Yeah, absolutely, LL...well put. And I think perhaps that my T thought that too. So sometimes I wonder if it was just too much for me, too painful, and left me too dysfunctional to have that "recreated" as an experience- if that is indeed what he was doing. I have no idea. I know he is into existential, Gestalt, pychodynamic, integrative- all the more serious forms of therapy, without being specifically pinned down to one- and maybe that is what his approach entails. And yes, like you I *did* feel connected within that pain. Very strange pain. Almost relieving in some mysterious way. But- something went wrong and I don't know what it was, and he never fully explained to me what went wrong. I feel like I'm living with the effects of a botched surgery.
Ok, enough melodrama- I think I'm getting better. I'm not really drinking anymore, I'm much more functional, I have lots of good days now. Ok, I still end up flat out a lot of the time, but...overall, things are not as completely, totally despairing and hopeless as they were. So- even though I've probably unconsciously anesthetized my "inner child" since I really believe that she was in too much pain and far too confused to ever really become "ok" -I am actually doing much better without that aspect of myself in play, just as I was before therapy. I'm limping along. Maybe the meds will help to awaken my heart a bit, who knows. I did have one crying jag recently and I have to say that experiencing that is really not something that I miss. I've never found crying to be a healing relief like my T told me it should be. Crying is always an acknowledgement of the pain underneath that I don't usually feel and that can't be relieved, and as such it is better to just not "go there" since it just gets worse and worse when I experience it, not better. And I don't even know what that pain *is.*
I miss you guys. I hope to have more time on here at some point.
Thanks for everything.
Love,
Beebs
But-
quote:With PsychoT I was in such emotional turmoil that it felt so much like I was dealing with core issues, and also the very fact that I was actually FEELING something (however bad it felt) made me feel connected to him. This is what I’m wondering whether the way you are continuing to feel about oldT isn’t similar? That you were in such emotional upheaval all the time you were in therapy with him that it felt to you like you actually had emotions and issues right there, experiencing them in the here and now with oldT, and feeling like that was the work?
Yeah, absolutely, LL...well put. And I think perhaps that my T thought that too. So sometimes I wonder if it was just too much for me, too painful, and left me too dysfunctional to have that "recreated" as an experience- if that is indeed what he was doing. I have no idea. I know he is into existential, Gestalt, pychodynamic, integrative- all the more serious forms of therapy, without being specifically pinned down to one- and maybe that is what his approach entails. And yes, like you I *did* feel connected within that pain. Very strange pain. Almost relieving in some mysterious way. But- something went wrong and I don't know what it was, and he never fully explained to me what went wrong. I feel like I'm living with the effects of a botched surgery.
Ok, enough melodrama- I think I'm getting better. I'm not really drinking anymore, I'm much more functional, I have lots of good days now. Ok, I still end up flat out a lot of the time, but...overall, things are not as completely, totally despairing and hopeless as they were. So- even though I've probably unconsciously anesthetized my "inner child" since I really believe that she was in too much pain and far too confused to ever really become "ok" -I am actually doing much better without that aspect of myself in play, just as I was before therapy. I'm limping along. Maybe the meds will help to awaken my heart a bit, who knows. I did have one crying jag recently and I have to say that experiencing that is really not something that I miss. I've never found crying to be a healing relief like my T told me it should be. Crying is always an acknowledgement of the pain underneath that I don't usually feel and that can't be relieved, and as such it is better to just not "go there" since it just gets worse and worse when I experience it, not better. And I don't even know what that pain *is.*
I miss you guys. I hope to have more time on here at some point.
Thanks for everything.
Love,
Beebs
I'm sorry for how negative that last post sounded...I'm just really trying to make sense of it. I guess if there is something wrong with me then maybe I could control that and become different, but if there was something wrong with the way he handled my treatment, then I can't control that or change it and I feel like I will never get what I needed from him, and it really hurts. So maybe that is why I want to think there is something wrong with me about it. That maybe I could go back to him and he could fix me and make me ok after all, make me what I should be for his treatment to work- and then I could experience his care again.
So I am sorry how negative that sounded, guys.
Talk to you all soon.
BB
So I am sorry how negative that sounded, guys.
Talk to you all soon.
BB
No reason to be sorry Beebs. It's how you feel. I know you miss your old T but you are in a much better place now. I know how hard that is to accept. It takes a lot of time and a lot of sessions to come to realize this.
I'm glad to hear you are not drinking and are feeling more functional. Do you realize that is you getting better? You are not being dragged down by your old T and you are doing different and more healthy work with Cowboy. He gets you even more than you realize.
And your explanation of things makes perfect sense. There is a description for it... repetition compulsion. You had the same relationship with old T as you did with your parents but THIS TIME you were going to make it different... get a different happier ending. The only thing you could really control was you and so if you could just figuure out how to make yourself into what he wanted then everything would be fine and there would be that happy ending.
The problem is that... well the problem is NOT YOU but him. And you could not make him into the T you really needed, just like I could not make my oldT into the T I needed, despite reading to him, lending him trauma CDs and giving him articles on complex trauma. In the end Beebs, we were stronger and more courageous than they were and we deserved better Ts.
We both found them now.
Hugs to you
TN
I'm glad to hear you are not drinking and are feeling more functional. Do you realize that is you getting better? You are not being dragged down by your old T and you are doing different and more healthy work with Cowboy. He gets you even more than you realize.
And your explanation of things makes perfect sense. There is a description for it... repetition compulsion. You had the same relationship with old T as you did with your parents but THIS TIME you were going to make it different... get a different happier ending. The only thing you could really control was you and so if you could just figuure out how to make yourself into what he wanted then everything would be fine and there would be that happy ending.
The problem is that... well the problem is NOT YOU but him. And you could not make him into the T you really needed, just like I could not make my oldT into the T I needed, despite reading to him, lending him trauma CDs and giving him articles on complex trauma. In the end Beebs, we were stronger and more courageous than they were and we deserved better Ts.
We both found them now.
Hugs to you
TN
((((Beebles))))
You're doing okay girl!! Proud of you!!
Hugs
Morgs xx
You're doing okay girl!! Proud of you!!
Hugs
Morgs xx
Thanks Morgs and TN-
I wish I could offer more right now on here. I just have nothing of value to say about therapy, and I can't really take in the kind words of encouragement about Cowboy appropriately.
so I guess that is the real reason I am not around very much. I don't know what I think about it all, or what I feel. There is a big part of me that is very cynical about therapy, and thinks it is a big waste of time and money- but doesn't know what else to do. because of being told repeatedly by my Doctor so very many mixed messages. so I don't feel comfortable posting very much because- I know it's not appropriate to say what I really feel, which is very confused, numb and ambivalent about the whole thing. There is a part of me that *really does* need him to fix it, to fix what he started in me. There is a part of me that will never be ok again unless I hear from him or could finish what we started and make some progress. Because he is the one who uncovered it and knows about it, and I won't be able to explain or reveal that much or to that depth to anyone else- I just can't. Because most of it is wordless anyway. I do not know where the pain in me originates. I know I am doing better. I function. I survive day to day. And I guess that really does have to be good enough. It is true that Cowboy is helping, and that I am more "upright" than I was while in therapy with my Doctor. I am behaving better. But it's like stuff is buried deeper than ever now. That's how it feels. I don't believe that Cowboy T will be able to help to that level. There is only one T who will be able to get in there- and he is gone. He left me like this. Sure I could go back- but. I *do* have some shred of pride left. I don't want to foist myself on a therapist who clearly isn't committed to working with me any longer.
I am sending hugs, and wishes for healing for everyone.. I will continue to stop in from time to time. I'm very sorry that I'm not as supportive as I wish I could be. My words are just failing me lately.
Love to all of you,
BB
I wish I could offer more right now on here. I just have nothing of value to say about therapy, and I can't really take in the kind words of encouragement about Cowboy appropriately.
so I guess that is the real reason I am not around very much. I don't know what I think about it all, or what I feel. There is a big part of me that is very cynical about therapy, and thinks it is a big waste of time and money- but doesn't know what else to do. because of being told repeatedly by my Doctor so very many mixed messages. so I don't feel comfortable posting very much because- I know it's not appropriate to say what I really feel, which is very confused, numb and ambivalent about the whole thing. There is a part of me that *really does* need him to fix it, to fix what he started in me. There is a part of me that will never be ok again unless I hear from him or could finish what we started and make some progress. Because he is the one who uncovered it and knows about it, and I won't be able to explain or reveal that much or to that depth to anyone else- I just can't. Because most of it is wordless anyway. I do not know where the pain in me originates. I know I am doing better. I function. I survive day to day. And I guess that really does have to be good enough. It is true that Cowboy is helping, and that I am more "upright" than I was while in therapy with my Doctor. I am behaving better. But it's like stuff is buried deeper than ever now. That's how it feels. I don't believe that Cowboy T will be able to help to that level. There is only one T who will be able to get in there- and he is gone. He left me like this. Sure I could go back- but. I *do* have some shred of pride left. I don't want to foist myself on a therapist who clearly isn't committed to working with me any longer.
I am sending hugs, and wishes for healing for everyone.. I will continue to stop in from time to time. I'm very sorry that I'm not as supportive as I wish I could be. My words are just failing me lately.
Love to all of you,
BB