welcome! I hope you find this place supportive and informative.

quote:

She is very against me terminating my treatment at this time. But will not tell me why or what she is thinking.
I am so tired of trying to figure this out that I am thinking of terminating therapy entirely.

i think you have a right to know why she is against you terminating treatment. And, of course, it is your own decison!

18 years... wow... long time with one T... I couldn't imagine changing after that time.

Scott

Welcome soulfuldaze !

I am sorry you are feeling such a crisis in your therapeutic relationship. That must be painfully difficult especially after 18 years and feeling as if you are regressing and that your therapy is becoming intolerable.

I am honing in on your statements of suddenly railing against the boundaries in the last few months, having been just fine previously. I wonder if this has something to do with your current diagnosis and/or your need to feel closer and more secure with your T in order to accept it. Often our need or desire to learn more about them is our longing to be closer and a search for equality and balance. To make sure that we are important and significant to them as they are to us. It is understandable that we desire for them to need us as much as we need them.

Your urge to resist and withhold could be a way for you to test if she is really there for you since you can't establish that by becoming more personally involved with her. Perhaps digging in your heals to see if she will step up to your expectations. But something has definitely shifted and it could be the slightest and least suspecting thing; even your T changing her hair color or clothing style could have an effect on our world.

I recommend instead of terminating to do some real self searching. If you journal go back to when you first noticed these feelings occurring and see if you find any hint as to anything particular going on at the time with you or your T. See if you noticed a subtle change such as did you sense her aging? Feeling or seeming ill? There are so many possible triggers but my T always asks me to pinpoint an emotion or two and to try to float back into my childhood and try to find the first time I remember feeling anything similar.

Your situation sounds very perplexing, but it sounds like your T is deiring to help you work through it.

Please don't think you are an idiot. If this were so easy to figure out we wouldn't need therapy in the first place. But whatever you have encountered deserves your attention. Is there a reason you feel you can't trust your T enough to just surrender to her again? Have you told her how you feel about her lack of self disclosure and your recent desire to know more about her? I think an 18 year relationship deserves that kind of exposure from you.

You say she "has become unreal to you" which suggest a deep shift. I wonder if thinking about what you have known to be true about your T, her good qualities, her warmth and caring you used to know, whatever once felt real that may rekindle what you feel is no longer true.

It probably sounds like I am taking many blind stabs at this, but I think the essense of your post suggests more self doubt that you are projecting on your T.

I hope this at least makes sense and is a little helpful in knowing that you came to the right place. If my words don't strike a chord, I am sure that someone elses' will. You can be sure of that.

Keep posting and expressing as much as you want.
JM

Hi Soulfuldaze,
Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting and introducing yourself. I don't have much advice to add except to reinforce the idea that if you haven't yet done so it would be good to discuss all of these feelings with your T. I do get how you feel about your therapist, I saw my first therapist for 17 years before she retired and it was difficult to deal with it. At the time it was really horrible but I must admit in the long run it worked out for me. She was a woman, and my new T is a man, I've ended up with a very deep significant relationship with him and worked on issues I think I would have continued to avoid if I hadnt' gone to a man. I am in NO way suggesting that your leave your T, just letting you know that there is life after even a T of 18 years. I hope we can help you through this.

AG

Thank you all for your swift responses...it's nice to find a good group.

I've been trying to avoid going into too much depth, in my initial foray here...but if I am asking for feedback then I must give you the details.
SO...Sorry for the long post but this is the story.

Yes...it is a VERY long time with one T. I had several others before her, but have stuck this out even though I thought (on first meeting) that it may not be a good fit.
I have frequently questioned that decision but have continued to work on it. I expected it to be difficult.

I cannot get her to tell me why she is against my terminating my therapy. But I do KNOW why. She is, very simply, afraid for me...and there is something else that is hers alone, and not something she will share with me.
My internal world is in disarray. There's a lot of fear going both ways. The truth is...we are both quite afraid of what is currently happening in my therapy.
Her attachment to me is strong. I'm not sure why...but I know it is. I feel the same way about my attachment to her.

I was diagnosed with MPD/DID/PTSD/etc...etc...30 years ago and have been through just about everything you can imagine. Accepting my diagnosis has not been an issue for a very long time. It is what it is. And like Alice in Wonderland, I have to adapt to situations as they arise.
I have been pretty stable for the last 15 years and doing just basic life maintenance therapy.

Last year...in March I was re-traumatized and that caused a cascading regression. One by one all my previously cooperating alters have shattered and separated...taking on some of their previous roles and behaviors. YIKES!!! Not welcome and not cooperating.

This disorder can really wreak havoc on boundaries...and that is why I am pushing my T to be more flexible, real, and adaptable. Some alters do not play "by the rules" as I'm sure some of you know.
I am still in executive control of my system but not in complete control. Incidentally...(I will be the only one posting, some rules have to apply. And that's one of mine!)

I have begun to work on my internal world again...but only because I had to. I am very adept at passing as a mono-mind but after 10 months of chaos, everyone begins to notice. My dogs don't care...but they do know that I am different.
My family wants ME back!!!
What I need to tell my T is that my needs have changed. I need her to be more reality based because I need to find a way to ground myself before leaving her office and entering "the real world." If anyone has any suggestions on how to do with without some grounding conversation/or physical contact ...I would love to hear from you.

Most of my previous T's would just touch my arm or shoulder and make sure they had me or talk to me about normal everyday life. It never really mattered if it was my life or theirs. It's just a reality check. Sometimes it's better to listen to something about them...than to focus too much on my life since it just makes me more anxious.

I feel inside out...

Anyway...my T has been unable to control my alters and frequently allows me to leave her office in a dissociated state. I saw her last week and don't remember much except my arrival. This is not a good thing! It is dangerous for everyone...and very distressing to me as I have to spend the time between appts. wondering what happened...and what will I have to face when I return?

It is the course my therapy is taking that I am most concerned with. The trauma has created a shift in me that I fear will be permanent. I am no longer who I was last January. My Dr. (psychiatrist) keeps upping my meds, another thing I tend to resist. They are quite unpleasant and only alleviate some symptoms.
My T is an analytical type employing the mirror...or blank screen approach. I personally don't know a single person with this dx that has made significant progress with this approach.
The issue of perceiving her as "not real" is something that is new for me. It is almost as if I have made her a part of my system. She is so embedded in my unconscious mind...sitting in her office is no different than looking into a mirror for 2 hours.
I believe this model makes everything too complex. How do you comfort a traumatized child by negotiating with them or analyzing them? How do you determine how many personality disorders your personalities have and then...how do you treat them without working at cross-purposes with another? These questions go on forever.

What it really comes down to is this: Is this T the right one for THIS job? And if not how do I terminate this long term relationship? I've spent 2-4 hours a week with her for 18 years...that's probably more time than my parents were together while they were married. Ahhh...life's little ironies...at least they keep us amused.


I think my unconscious is experiencing disabling shame.

Thanks....for your help. I need honesty, I can deal with pain.

PS. Yes...I do journal and draw, paint...etc. (obsessively right now.) I am currently involved in a book project with some other people. It seems that many forms of communication are there for me...I'm just having trouble with verbal communication at the moment. Just kinda shut down.
I have also consulted with another T about all of this...but it seems ridiculous to see a T about my T!!! Weird huh?

soulfuldaze,

I can understand why, especially after 18 years, a T would feel a deep attachment to a client. Knowing how the limbic response works it seems rather impossible that there isn't at least some attachment on their part anyway. That being said it still makes no sense why she will not disclose to you why she is against your terminating therapy with her. I understand this would be very difficult for her and that she would hate to see you leave her, but knowing that you are continuing your therapy with a more well suited T should give her a sense that you are ok. (I get the idea that is your plan anyway) If it is about her attachment to you then I would hope she would seek supervision to deal with her feelings and allow you to move on if that is what you feel is best. If she has allowed her attachment to cloud her judgment that could be why you are no longer progressing.

I am so sorry for what is going on and I don't think I can even imagine the depth of it. However you were re-traumatized it must be playing a huge role in what you are going through (I know that is the understatement of the century) and perhaps you need a fresh perspective. It is nothng against your T of 18 years, and who says there has to be a complete break; unless you want it that way?

What seems very significant to me is that your T has been allowing you to leave her office in such a dissociated state. I agree you _need_ more grounding before you leave. So I ask, have you made this known to her? How well do you feel you are communicating to her? I have left session before and not been grounded. My T has admitted not realizing how bad I was at times and I'd find myself at home curled on the floor or in bed for several hours. I am a master at disguising my needs. But I think she is onto me now and has learned to spend several minutes at the end of session grounding me and not just trusting me to sit in the waiting room or in my car on my own. Once I start walking out the door I keep walking, driving, and then next thing I know I am home. But I think I finally communicated that to her enough and she undestands my needs a little better.

I hear you about the touch on the shoulder or arm and I never quite understand a "no touch policy." Perhaps in some cases that is necessary, but to me it all goes back to understanding the attachment process and secure and insecure attachment. W/o any touch how can one form a secure base? Sometimes all it takes is a little touch, a handshake, and even a look. When I used to dissociate a lot more in session, my T used to tilt her head a certain way and look "into me" and somehow she would reach me. I love that.

I am sure that you must be afraid that this shift is permanent.I know I have been feeling that way myself the past several months too. But I am certain that if it was managed before it can be managed again. If your T is not the one for the job, then so be it. However, I don't think that has to mark the end of the relationship entirely. Perhaps you could still see her on occaision and be able to call or email her here and there. I am sure she would want to know how you are doing. And as for the termination process, I would think that it should take as long as you need it to take and helping you to transition from one T to another. Saying good-bye can feel very traumatic and it needs to be done carefully.

I don't know if any of this is any help. I don't know how insightful and of this really is, but I reallyhope you are finding the support you need here. We may not have all the answers but we do care.
JM

Thank you JM for your reply...

I see my T today for a couple of hours. I'll try to let you know how it turns out. If I remember it. *groan* I have no idea what the session will contain since I remember little of the last session. But...I'm not sure I care.
I'll go over it with her...but I feel there are more pressing needs to discuss.

I may totally blow it...but after 18 years I think I have earned some answers.

SD

SD,
I hope you are able to express what you need to and I hope she is able to keep you grounded this time. I'll be thinking of you and waiting to hear from you when you get a chance.
JM

soulfuldaze -

I hope your session goes well today and that you get some of the answers that you deserve.

OW

Hi all...You've all been more than generous with your support and kind words of encouragement.

My appt. today went pretty well. At least I didn't sit there dumb struck. I was pretty agitated, even though I haven't slept for over 48 hours. *sigh*
The agitation seemed to work to my advantage (after I took a Xanax) *geez*

I did get right into it, and completely skipped what happened last week, except to address the way I left the office. Which we spoke about for quite some time. We didn't come up with any solution, which didn't really surprise me, she is unwilling to consider changing her personal mandate. It reminds me a Natalie Merchant song...indulge me?


Take a look at my body,
look at my hands
there's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises,
whispered like prayers
I don't need them.

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable...

Well, contempt loves the silence
it thrives in the dark,
the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
but I don't need them... no I don't need them.

I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
I’m the frost killing hour
sweet turning sour
& untouchable.

I need
the darkness,
the sweetness,
the sadness,
the weakness,
I need this.

Well, is it dark enough,
can you see me?
do you want me?
can you reach me?
or I'm leaving....

Thanks... it seems to illustrate how I feel about the whole thing. The damage that I see occurring is implicit in the lyric above. I have this feeling of being "untouchable" and it is spreading its own contagion to my RL relationships.
I do believe that she is trying very hard to come up with a solution. But I am still unsure if it will be enough to control me or provide me with the safety that I need.
I made it quite clear that if we could not work something out...that I would be leaving even though it would make us both very sad. She agreed, that it would indeed be sad. She also acknowledged that my needs were most important and that I deserved to have them met.
So...OK...there I am. We do understand each other...but our viewpoints are just so far apart that if a white flag were to be raised in surrender...neither one of us could see it. I do not want to MAKE her change what works for her; I think that is a recipe for failure that both of us would have to eat.

I confronted so many things...at this point I'm not sure I can remember them all. It was a productive session. But I don't think we have resolved anything and I am still thinking that I will probably have to make a change. I am just more conflicted about it and wish that I didn't have to do it.
I'll give it a bit more time and see what happens. I've already given it 18 years...what's a few more weeks?

My T is obviously doing her best for me. I think she has even sought out supervision on this, which I'm sure she hasn't done for years. I do know how to do this type of regressive therapy, I have done work with many very skilled T's and Drs. I frequently sit on the floor, as a positional way to "drop my ego" so that I will not take on a teaching role, with her. I cannot teach and work on "my stuff" at the same time.
My want is to take care of her...yet my need to take care of myself remains the same. And I know which one I must choose.
One of the ironies of this is that I get the impression that her real life is quite holistic but that she has chosen not to incorporate that into her therapy style. She very much wants to complete this therapy with me...but if we cannot conquer this hurdle. I just don't know where my next step will take me.
I wish this were not so painful, it is just breaking me.
I actively practice every grounding technique that I have found on this site and several others but to no avail.

I'll keep you posted...(it's starting to look like a real epic in the making) *sigh* It's just unfortunate that it seems like a Shakespearean tragedy at this point.
But I do feel more hopeful that it will not be a complete disaster.

SD
I'll keep you posted.

SD,
I'm really sorry, even contemplating leaving such a long term relationship has to be extremely difficult but it may be that you need something else now. I am really glad to hear that you paying attention and recognizing that you need more right now, that it is important to achieve some stability. So I know it must be so painful. But I don't think it will break you, I can hear the strength coming through in your posts.

Thank you for keeping us posted, I really want to know how you're doing.

AG

Thanks HB and AG...

Well...Tuesday went well...today was the flip side. Really intense and complicated a lot of miscommunication. I thought I had a handle on it and today I couldn't find my *ss with both hands. OH well...if I can't stay grounded at least I'm not to far left of center. *we hope*

I'll try to explain after I decompress a bit more.

SD

In the meantime...here is a pic of my very best psychiatrist. He's a natural!!!

SD, He's beautiful! I feel like I should know, but what breed is he? There almost looks to be some Akita, but then I'm not sure.

My Siberian Husky is my buddy. She is very sensitive to my moods and always checking on me.

Thanks for sharing a pic of your best Pschiatrist. Mine is laying at my feet as I type. She'd rather be pulling me through the snow, (no we don't have a sled, but if you can imagine we don't need one.) but she is ever patiently awaiting the day that mom grabs the leash and says "let's go!"

Sorry about your session yesterday. Miscommunication can be so frustrating esp w/ our T's. You are strong. You can work through this.
JM

Yes...we think he probably has some Akita. Although he does not exhibit the dog aggressive behavior of the typical Akita. He's a cupcake.
We call him a puree' The vet says...there are a lot of dogs in this one.
He's a pound puppy...was a puppy. We also have a very small (11 lb.) Parson Russell terrier. They are quite a pair.
But Bodhi is my therapy dog. It's all in the eyes. I was in a coma for a week last year and everyone told me they thought he was going to die too.
I'm glad you have one too. (the dog...not the coma...

Yes...I'll find a way to work it out. But in the meantime...I'll have to find a way to live with my "crazy." 18 years is such a long time and I fear that her boundaries are so tight that I will most likely never see her again after termination. Hard to deal with that one. It's such an intimate and intense relationship. I just really don't want to mess up this termination. I want it to be successful for both of us.
SD

quote:

Hard to deal with that one. It's such an intimate and intense relationship. I just really don't want to mess up this termination. I want it to be successful for both of us.

I don't blame you. Especially for a _long_ term therapy relationship, I can't imagine it ending any other way. I just keep finding myself siding with the whole idea of "But this is your therapist, YOUR T! It HAS to work out." My heart is reeling for you and the complexity of it all. I have to ask though...and not to cast doubt on YOU SD. But is it possible that the shift is lying in what happened to re-traumatize you and to shake your foundation with your T? I mean it seems that you express that everythng was fine up to then, Forgive me if I am way off, but I can't help but wonder. I know that T's are fallible and her feelings for you very well could be getting in the way. But I am a romantic optimist when it comes to T's, especially ones with whom we already have a good working realtionship with.

I hope you don't mind my boldness. It isn't to suggest that you have no basis for your feelings, because you do. I hope my previous posts have displayed that belief in you. I just want this to work out for you. But I am very impressed that you are willing to bravely do whatever it takes to do what is best for you, even if it means moving on. You're very brave.

quote:

Is it possible that the shift is lying in what happened to re-traumatize you and to shake your foundation with your T? I mean it seems that you express that everything was fine up to then.

Well...because everything I am experiencing is a reflection of my internal systems it very difficult to discern where my feelings are coming from most of the time.
It is likely that the trauma has caused this. Up to this point I have been satisfied dealing with core issues. As I read this I find my last statement a bit laughable since my "core" is basically not available.
This re-fragmenting has changed the whole dynamic of my therapy and it has changed me. To say that my therapy has been fine up until this point is not quite right either. I have always questioned whether or not we have had a "good fit."
I have worked with a lot of T's. But none of them have been strictly analytical or object/relations oriented, as she is. In my area this is mostly the psychiatrists arena. I have worked with quite a few of them too...but not for any length of time since they generally do not do much actual therapy and gear their practice to med evaluations and hospitalization management.

Trying to adjust to the change that this re-victimization has caused, has been very difficult for myself and my T. It has rocked our foundation and the tide rushes in. I think we both feel engulfed. We've worked to shore up the walls...but because I have experienced a fundamental change in myself, it seems that I have built a wall between us. This is a reversion to my survival behavior and of course...a transference. Being the protective measure that it is...it has been difficult for me to remove this wall without some changes from my T. In addition to my problems with this...I also have other adult alters that are now active and have their own set of problems and resistances to overcome. Some of them are very challenging to my T and test her constantly. I know there is no end to her aggravation at this hurdle. As gamey as some of them are...it's hard for me to believe that they are actually a part of me. YIKES I thought I was over that! I can't control them. I can suppress them, most of the time, but that does not resolve anything. I have been suppressing them for years and this is the result of my complacency and desire for a "normal" life.
They were a big part of my disastrous session yesterday. I'm sure what happened yesterday is fixable, but will not stop it from reoccurring.

The regression work has been intense and frightening with no comfort for the child alters involved. They seem to need their "warm fuzzies" and are unable to self-soothe. I cannot ignore this but it is not my role to provide this. I have tried but I am an executive alter. I've considering taking my dog in with me to see if that might help. I believe that my T is trying...but cannot establish a trusting bond or attachment with these traumatized children.
I don't know why. I sense that they are suspicious and fearful of her analytical demeanor, and see it as a lack of compassion or empathy. How do you explain transference to a child? I'm not sure you can...you just have to "play through." It is my belief that a T has to make an adjustment here and find a way to meet the needs of the child/client.
My T agrees that these needs must be met but has not found it within her scope to do so.
We have been working intensely on this for almost a year with little progress.
Normally when confronted with a lack of movement...I would consider taking a vacation from therapy but because I am in crisis that would be the same as running from it. So I must find another solution.

One possible solution in my mind is a dual therapy. This is usually not done outside of a hospital environment and although I have yet to broach the subject with my T, I do not think she will agree to work with another T...since it is unlikely that their styles will mesh well.
The idea is that I see someone else to resolve some of these trauma issues so that I can return and finish my therapy with my T. I have serious doubts that this would work since regression work will inevitable change who I am and how I perceive the world. A hospital stay might be an option if I leave the area I currently live in. But that would make it impossible for my T to participate. I will not agree to a hospitalization here. We have discussed it. It's just not an option nor would I be able to receive the treatment that I need.

Right at this moment...I am too sad to see all of this very clearly. I know it will pass, but it is hard to sit with. I love and respect this woman and am very grateful to have her in my life. My fear of losing her is holding me in stasis. I am doing my best to hang in there...but my doubts are clouding my judgment. I am gravely conflicted.


Here's my song du jour...

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

~superchick~

quote:

You're very brave.

SD - I really have to agree with JM on this one. I can't even begin to imagine the difficulty of dealing with the needs of the alters, in addition to the possibility of ending such a long-term relationship like you have with your T.

I'm also hoping there's some way you can continue with her, and also get the help you need. I think you're right that dual therapy might be a good option. Have you talked with your T about that?

I've only known my son's T for a couple of years, and wasn't really dependent on her for more than 5 months, but having to part ways was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through. 18 years - I can't even imagine. I am able to see her at least once a month because we're involved in a parent support group, and I think just knowing I would be able to see her again helped me get through the termination of our sessions (and spilling my guts to her about everything I was feeling).

It sounds like you are really thinking this through, and like JM said before and I repeated, you are very brave. I'd like to think there's a way you can get the best treatment possible without losing your T, even if the relationship shifts a bit.

OW

Well...

My session today was pretty scattered. At least I didn't quit. I'm working hard...but it's just not fast enough. Again...I do not remember leaving T's office. Since I probably had no clue where my car was parked, I found myself in a bathroom, in the dark, on the other side of the hospital 2 hours later. I guess I needed a nap or something...probably just looking for a safe place. Then I had to re-orient myself to where I was in that huge hospital. *sigh*

Tonight I am expereincing a very deep kind of sadness. It seems oddly familiar but different than what I would call just being sad. My guess is that this is coming from a childlike state. I feel like a turtle without a shell. Vulnerable I guess.

I don't want to quit on this relationship but feel like I've painted myself into a corner. (that's a boundary image I've never used before...hmmm)

I really hate feeling this helpless...I'm going to drug myself and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. (how very cliche' is that?)

What I'm feeling is no longer tolerable. A dreamless sleep sounds good right now and I need to get away from this feeling. It doesn't feel very safe to me.

SD

HB....I've been reviewing some old posts. My first posts here. I re-read this response from you, which I didn't directly reply to at the time. I just wanted to let you know how much it helped me.

quote:

Hi Soulfuldaze

Welcome to the Forum, i am so glad you posted and just to reassure you there really are no ropes you need to learn. We all kind of take it as it comes, good days, bad days and everything in between are all welcome here.

I really don't know what to reply to you, 18 years is a lifetime with a therapist and i can understand how frustrating and confusing knowing nothing about her must be.

As i am typing i thought that maybe the real learning for you is happening right now. From what you said it sounds as if you have lost your self in the process of looking for her. Maybe the solution lies in respecting some part of yourself that seems to really need to be heard.

It is hard to know the difference between changing to a new reality and running away but the fact that there is so much pain for you in this situation makes me suspect running away is inching ahead here. Maybe it is you that no longer wants to hide and withdraw which is why her boundaries are so frustrating? If so, just being part of this forum will help you find your voice.

One of my problems is that I do tend to lose myself in relationships. I don't have a clear vision of what "normal" is. I've never been able to adequately absorb what a societal "norm" is. My way of coping with that deficit has been to be chameleon-like and try to blend in as well as I can. So yes...you were right....I was losing myself in the process of looking for her. Trying to match her "tone"....looking for better attunement through oneness or sameness.
Many people with DID/MPD do this. It is one of the primary ways we get through life and appear "normal" even though we know we are not quite like most people, and we feel like "something" is terribly wrong.
I know this...and yet at the time...it didn't feel like that was what I was doing. Now...looking back I can see how this was playing out in my therapy. My inability to see it at that time, was hindered by an overbearing alter that had too much control and was angry at my T for not being the friend/partner in therapy, that she kept saying she was. She didn't know I was being so strongly influenced by this alter. This alter has a much different view of what a "friend" is supposed to be...and does not understand the constraints of therapy.

You were also right about my not wanting to hide and withdraw anymore. I'm just so sick of having so many secret lives and selves....they all need to "be heard" and I need to let that happen.
My T's boundaries...ie: "her secrets" sometimes just scream at me and I have a difficult time overcoming my desire to equalize the relationship...it may always be this way, and we still need to find a way through this. But, right now...I have more control over how I choose to react.
I'm still struggling with finding myself again...but I am no longer trying to "be" through her. I have also regained some sense of her "realness" and/or separateness.
So...again...thank you so much for contributing. It did get through...and it did help.

Sincerely,
SD

This BIG THANK YOU...applies to all of you here.

You've all been very supportive and helpful. I have reconsidered my relationship with my T and have re-dedicated myself to seeing this through to a mutual termination. It may be a long time before I get there, but I am much more settled with my decision to work through it all. It's very important to me to finish this. Finding a good end to relationships has been the bane of my existence. This script has to change and starting over or quitting, will not get me there.

SO....paraphrasing Holly's Freud signature quote.....
The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy. ~S.F~

I am no longer...TOTALLY confused. Now...I'm just normally confused....I think...hmmmm... *chuckling*


"Light thinks it travels faster than anything....but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first....and is waiting for it."
~terry pratchett~

Hey there SD

I wasn't around until after this topic had ceased to be commented on, and there was no way I would have been in a place to be able to comment even if I had been here, and probably still couldn't even today.

I'm really glad to hear that you are doing better and that all of these people were here to offer you the support you needed at the time. Kudos to you for sticking it out and continuing on your journey to well being (if that even exists). I can't imagine starting all over with someone after only 9 months, let alone after so many years!

I've appreciated your posts to me, so I just wanted to pop in and give you a little support too .. even though I have nothing valid to share .. except my quote

BTW your dog is beautiful! I have 2 dal's that are my sounding boards (I can't cuddle them too much and get the closeness because I'm allergic to them , but they sure listen well).

We've all see what kind of an ASS (smart or otherwise) I can be lately, so I give you no exceptions to my ASSness hehehe ..... Can I say/ask something that is meant to be funny, but yet I'm seriously curious? Your MPD .. how can we be sure which of you is posting in the forum at any given moment? Just tell me to "you know what" if you don't find that question remotely funny!

Catch ya later! {{SD}}

Holly

Hi Holly...

Thanks for jumping in, and thanks for your comment on my boy. He is a looker...for a very mixed breed dog, he is really beautiful and so sweet. I am in the process of getting him certified as a therapy dog. We don't test until Sept. but he will have no problem passing the tests. I may not pass....but I'm sure he will. He LOVES people and is so gentle even with babies. He's really amazing. Even though we are not yet "officially" certified, he has made many hospital visits and house calls. It's kinda cool to see heads snap around to look when he is walking down the hall in a hospital. He also has a "little sister" I am working on. I think she'll probably pass too but she's such a busy girl and they may find her too hyper....I'm not sure on that. I'll post her pic...they are truly an "odd" couple....she only weighs 11 pounds and he is at 70 pounds.

In response to your question....which is totally ok...and legitimate. I've been dealing with this dx for a very long time...30 years. So I have adapted ways of coping. I may occasionally be influenced by the ideas and thoughts of an alter but have an "across the board" policy that if I start in a forum...it is mine. A couple of my alters do participate in other forums...and I let them without interference. So there is some mutual respect for each others stuff and space. You ask...how can you tell? In reality, you would probably notice a difference in the tone of my posts or some other inconsistency. It could happen....but it is unlikely. It doesn't work that way for everyone with this dx. Everyone is different in how they cope with it. My alters have very different interests so have other outlets.

I have posted an art gallery if you haven't seen it....take a look, I'm not sure how long it will stay there, as it doesn't really belong to me. My drawings belong to an alter, I am somewhat co-conscious with her and participate, but they do belong to her. I posted them here to see what other people thought or felt about them. I am still trying to figure them out and am still processing the material they have brought up. Anyway...she participates in a drawing forum and is content with that.

It is difficult for people to understand how this works. The best way for me to describe it is this: I am the "intellect" (the OP or original personality) of my system so I am better equipped to deal with the content of this forum. I am not the "birth" personality...BP...she is still protected by my ISH (inner self helper,) and is only available through the ISH.
We all "stake out" our own turf. LOL... As long as I respect them...they do the same for me, for the most part. Sometimes my ISH will comment...anywhere, but is really the only one that has that privilege.
I also keep a blog that is open to all my alters...but right now...is not open to the general public. I am working on a book project with several other "real life" people and the blog is fodder for that project.

Before I started posting here, I read the entire forum to get a feel for what everyone was dealing with. It helped me to determine how I would fit in here...and gave me an idea of what to expect and how to get the most out of my participation here. I bumped this topic to the top, with the hope that my process might help some of the other new people here understand that working through a therapeutic rupture might be the best way to proceed in therapy. The "cut and run" option is always there...but I think it should be very carefully considered. Especially in my case where I was thinking of bolting on an 18 year relationship.

I hope that sorta answers your question...as usual...I probably OVER answer. Which may explain why I have been in therapy for soooo long. It takes me a long time to get to the damn point!!!
Feel free to ask whatever you want. I may not have an answer but I'm not afraid to try!

BTW....I totally relate to your "smart ass" self. I have that too...in great abundance. Of course you probably already know this...we do have The Onion....in common... LMAO...

SD

Here's a pic of the two of them together...in action at the dog park. It's not a great pic...but gives an idea of what they look like together.

I'll flash my kids photo's too This one is Codie .. she's such a big suck!

This one is Libby, she's 6. She's cute too but she's also ME except I have less hair, a couple fewer legs and I'm taller! LOL

YOU READ THE ENTIRE FORUM !!!! OMG

MPD sounds like it could get a little confusing to keep track of. Between your physical health and your mental health you certainly have a lot on your plate! {{SD}}

I'm glad that you can relate to my smartass self .. when do I get to see some of yours? That almost sounded like I wanted to se your ass .. I'm sure that both of our S.O. might object to that request! LMAO

Talk soon!

Holly

LOL....now how cute are THEY!!!!

Those are great pics....they look like great dogs. Aren't dogs just the greatest friends?
Now I know how short their hair is....and I can see that you live in the frozen tundra....LOL.....question is....this.

WHERE THE HELL ARE THEIR COATS? They are going to freeze their spots right off!!!

I live in the Rocky Mountain West.....and my big boy is just fine and loves the snow...but the little one....naw...she is pathetic...she shivers, quakes and her teeth chatter when the temp drops below 50 degrees. We bought her some boots....but only use them for comic relief. She hates them and tries to walk without putting any of her paws on the ground.....it's hilarious to watch.

I love your dogs...Holly....thanks for posting them.
SD

quote:

Originally posted by HollyBaby0:
YOU READ THE ENTIRE FORUM !!!! OMG

MPD sounds like it could get a little confusing to keep track of. Between your physical health and your mental health you certainly have a lot on your plate! {{SD}}

Yes...I did read the entire forum. It was a bit smaller than it is right now...but good reading.

And yes...MPD is very confusing...more to other people than it is to me, as it is normal for me. LOL....
It is very difficult to resolve and I don't really believe that I will ever be like other people. I think the idea of "integration" is something that makes other people more comfortable but I don't really believe in it.
I have had times when my system works in a more integrated...way. But I see it as cooperation...not truly integration.

And...as far as what is on my plate? LMAO...well...after gastric bypass...you can bet there isn't much of anything on MY plate!

SD

Hey, where did all of the pictures go?

Hi CG.....

Go back a page......

SD

Good Morning SD

I just have time to comments on the 1st post about the dogs before the girls and I head out on our hike this am.

I think that all dogs are cute, and they really do make the best friends and confidants (sp). Codie listens very attentively when I talk to her, and rests her lil head on my knee. Libby on the other hand has to have her head on my chest, grinning from ear to ear. I know she's not really listening to me talk, but is thinking to herself "Shut up and take me for a play", she sure makes me smile when nothing else can and that's what I love about her.

The picture of Libby on the snow, that was the lake this past winter. I think it was only -30 celcius that day so they weren't too cold They DO have coats, I'm not evil !! Well at least not to my girls. But when they have a coat on, they just walk and don't really play. So we had taken them off so the girls could run and chase eachother for a short while. They love open space and they go go go - Libby had just come back from chasing a snowmobile a VERY long way! LOL The girls won't move with boots .. they just stand and look at us like we are nuts!

One thing with Codie .. she won't go out AT all if it's raining even a drop! She will hold her toileting needs for days if she has to. So your lil dog hates the cold and my old fart hates the thought of her feet touching wet concrete or grass. But yet they LOVE swimming!! And they think I'M strange!!

Okay they are here looking at me so I have to fly - I'll check back and write in a few hours!

Be well! Holly

I'm trying to see the pics, but all I see are nix signs--the red circle with a line across it.

quote:

after gastric bypass...you can bet there isn't much of anything on MY plate!

LMAO, I was wondering when you were going to show me some of that "SmartASS" in you!

Holly

Hi CG ...

I didn't want to have to tell you this, but umm, picture viewing is reserved for the smartasses in the house, not the 'NICE' people, so stop being so damn nice all the time. LOL Kidding

Not sure why you can't see the pictures, maybe your computer has a security thing blocking access or something.

Holly