Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
24 replies

totally stressed out

smileysmileyMember
Posted 17 February 2011 05:03 AM

Ok I posted and then took it out. It's back in again.


Hello everyone. I have been trying to come back, and I guess I have a little. Right now I'm feeling like not so depressed but stressed to the max. Just finished with blood work and cardio stress test - all perfectly fine. This leads me to believe it is my own internal stress, meaning mental state that has been causing all of the physical symptoms. Wonderful, now I'm becoming this stressed out, depression always woman who is starting to get physical symptoms. Oh just lock me up and get it over with!
Saw T yesterday. I wasn't exactly myself. Ok - I was stoned. Of course we got onto that subject and I told her I was smoking. She said it doesn't seem to be helping your anxiety? I said that's because I haven't had enough yet. Yes we went through all the reasons why I shouldn't be smoking but it doesn't matter.
ya know, when I was younger, when I started doing alot of drugs, I always figured I'd be dead before I got addicted. Guess I was wrong. I'm still here and I'm addicted. Funny I've just said that here and it doesn't hurt as bad as when I've said it other places. I'm not sure I care anymore. I guess if I cared I wouldn't be doing it. What is behind that? Where does that come from? Considering everything that I could lose if my partner ever found out, why would I be doing this? I don't get it. I don't want to stop. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to be zoned out and away from everything. Can anyone relate? I figure if I can't deal with life straight, Then what is the point of dealing with it stoned? It just hurts.
Did I tell my T all that? no. can't. don't want to feel stupid. It doesn't matter anyway. She can't do anything for me except listen. She can't make me feel better. Only I can do that and for some reason I can't and don't even feel like I want to.

Sorry for the long post. I guess this morning is just not a good one for me. I wznt to leave work and just go home and get totally stoned out and sleep.
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

ladygreyladygreyMember
Smiley,

I'm sorry you are having a tough time today. Sending you lots of positive energy today to help you get through this difficult time. I completely understand the feeling of wanting to go home and get stoned and sleep. I don't smoke pot but I do take sleeping pills just about every day to just fade into sleep when I don't want to be conscious anymore and just want to escape. I wish I didn't feel the need to escape like that, but sometimes life is just too difficult to deal with and I need a break from it all.
smileysmileyMember
So, I'm pretty much done here. I can't stay at work any longer today. I have to get out of here. I'm thinking of ending with my T too. I just don't want to deal anymore. I can't do it in person so I'm gonna e-mail her and just tell her thanks and I want to stop for good. It doesn't make anything better, just one less thing to have to think about.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Smiley... It has been good to see you posting again and I'm sure the other members have been happy to have your support of them.

What I think is happening is that you are starting to come out of the depression you were in and now you are feeling again and because they are painful you are self-medicating to numb them. This is quite understandable... no one wants to feel that awful pain. So we use all kinds of things to cope. I do too. I overeat, I dissociate, I shop too much all to avoid the pain.

I do hope you stay with your T and allow her to help you find your way through this and out the other side. I'm glad your medical tests came out well but I understand how the symptoms caused by anxiety and depression can make you feel. I hate when anything is going on in my body. It sort of freaks me out and I'd rather ignore the body and live in my head.

Please hang in there with therapy. And please keep posting so we know how you are doing.

Hugs
TN
I incognitoMember
((Smiley))

I'm sorry your depression and anxiety is causing so many physical symptoms. I can relate. I also understand the desire to quit therapy and put an end to that stress because that is just how I'm feeling tonight. I've made a deal with myself that I won't email that I'm quitting tonight. There is no urgency to make that decision. Maybe we can both wait and see if we feel differently tomorrow.

di
smileysmileyMember
Thank you TN and Incognito. It is tomorrow and I'm still feeling the same. I did call my T last night and left a message. I haven't heard back from her yet. I can only assume that she was late getting done last night and figured she would call in the morning. I know she works pretty late some nights. Whatever. I really didn't have anything to say anyway. She can't fix me and it just makes me feel so dumb to have to reach out to someone. I DON'T DO THAT! Well, I am and it sucks. I really want to die. I just can't stand this anymore. I'm sorry, I just am not doing well at all.

Smiley
smileysmileyMember
Hello friends. I am sure you are all probably tired of hearing from me, but I thought I'd put something out there today. I had a very bad flashback and anxiety attack this morning. I was reading something from here, and please don't get me wrong this was no one's fault here, and I just lost it. It wasn't so much what I read, but more the way my body reacted to it. It is very disturbing and I can'treally talk about it. I did e-mail my T and told her what was going on. I was trrying to see if she could see me today but I doubt it. I will go tomorrow and by that time I won't be able to talk at all about it. I am so sick of haivng these things happen to me. I need to get rid of all this stuff in me. I'm not seeing it happen. The first thing I want to do right this moment is die. I can't imagine speaking these words to her or anyone else without being totally grossed out, crushed, and broken. I feel like I want to end it now. Please please this has to stop. I really can't take it.
I'm sorry that I can't be here totally- I feel like I'm such a disappointment. Why even try anymore?

Smiley
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Smiley, I need to tell you that, speaking for myself, I will never ever get tired of hearing from you or about you! You are part of this community consisting of my friends. You are a friend so why would I get tired of hearing about the very important things you are struggling with?

Did you forget that you supported me and offered me kindness when I was lost in the darkness after my T abandoned me? You were there for me. So now I am here for you. We all take turns in giving and taking.

You are not a disappointment at all. Can you see how you are reaching out to us to share your pain and to use this place as a healthy coping mechanism? This is a sign of health. You are getting better at this Smiley, even if you don't see it yourself.

I know how painful those flashbacks can be and I'm so glad you called your T. I, myself, had a flashback a month or so ago which was so horried and vivid it was like I was watching a movie. But it told me something important and in talking to my T it helped me find some peace with it. I would encourage you to try to speak of this with your T and allow her to help you. Can you write it down? Can you email her and tell her what you need to talk about so she will help you bring it up in session. Maybe if you CAN talk to her about it you WILL get it out of you and feel better, lighter in some way.

Please, please don't stop talking to us here. I have a very good idea of what you read that triggered you and I'm so sorry that happened. I need you to remember that you are a valuable and worthwhile person who is needed in this world.

I hope you can see your T soon and that things start to feel better for you.

TN
smileysmileyMember
Draggers - thank you so much for your response. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I e-mailed with my T last night and she said we would sort through this today. I am a frickin mess right now. Scared about this session and just scared in general. I know I have had some good days - I'm trying to remember them.

TN - Thank you. You're probably right in what triggered me. I wanted to go back and finish reading what others had to say but I'm scared. I'll just let it be right now I think. I'm trying to think positive.

Jane - wow, how can you write so much? LOL Thank you, I can feel your heartfelt words, thank you. I love horses. I haven't been on one in years, but I love them. Their eyes are so deep it's amazing.

So I see my T this afternoon. I am freaking out right now. I feel like a little child, with a 20 year old brain in a 50 year old body. Does that make sense to anyone? I couldn't sleep last night - kept waking up in a sweat. I'm at work now and I just really want to cover myself and hide from everyone. I don't want anyone to see me. Just not a good day and I don't think T can help. Even if I can talk, what can she do? Nothing - just pretend to care until my time is up and then I'm stuck back with me again. I can't stand it.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Good luck today Smiley. Hope you feel better.

Just wanted to mention that your T does not have to "do" anything. Just listening to you and having you feel heard and understood and held can be very healing. Talking to someone empathetic and caring and who focuses on you, putting your needs first, is what makes therapy so special and healing.

Let us know how you are doing.

TN
smileysmileyMember
So I went to see T last night. It was a little different than normal. We usually start with chitchat and then eventually get into it. She came in and said,"ok, so talk to me." I did. I told her what triggered me and that I didn't understand. I want her to understand that I don't see any other way to shut this off. I can't take it anymore. I just can't.
smileysmileyMember
I don't think anyone can help me at this point. I can't seem to get it and I can't seem to make anything work out right. I'm so tired of trying. She said I can keep kicking my feet if I want to but it won't make any difference. She's right. It doesn't make a difference. I'm still screwed up and I don't know why or how to fix it.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×