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T sort of watches with concern. She doesn't do touch. Or, well, I haven't asked her and won't do.

She just shows empathy. Talks softly. I always say 'I'm sorry' when I start crying and bless her, she always says very gently 'You don't have to be sorry'.

I notice that when I get upset - which is quite rare - my T lowers her voice really low. I don't usually look at my T so I am not that aware of her face - but at times I have seen real concern in her face.

When I fidget and stare off - she will say 'where are you'. Sometimes I need more thinking time - other times I am evading her - other times I am off somewhere else. She will notice this.

T has sat next to me to help me talk more as this is less threatening. But she has to sit a long distance away and I put a big cushion between us
I have told her that if she came to me to hug me I would freak - so I don't think she would do that. She would use touch if needed, she would hug if needed - she seems open to anything.

We are going for a walk for one of our next therapy sessions - trying something different to help me get in contact with other emotional parts inside me.

Not sure T and I have ever touched ?? We have when we knew each other years ago - but not recently.

I guess it depends on who is around and who my T is talking to. Recently, he was saying, "It'll be OK, sweetie" or "It's OK now, sweetie" or something in a really gentle voice when I was badly dissociating and a kid was out front. He kept reassuring me that the bad things that I was reexperiencing in the moment were gone. He doesn't tend to reach out and touch, but he waits for them to initiate or ask for touch. Or, he will ask what will help in the moment of distress, like would it help if he moved closer or would it help to hold a hand or have a hug or that sort of thing. Or he will just hold his hand out in offer, because sometimes I go completely nonverbal and the very little ones often only shake or nod in response. That is when I am kind of there in the background. I'm not sure if things a different when I am more gone than that, but I assume not. Anyway, he would never just move closer or touch physically unless he has already established it would be OK and helpful. Well, there are times when he would, say, pat my arm or something without asking, but there has already been recent contact that has been cleared as OK first. If he asked EVERY single time, that would get weird. It would be like if you were dancing with someone and tripped and because the dance was interrupted, your partner formally asked you to dance all over again, instead of just resuming the dance gracefully. That is the physical contact aspect of it.

As far as sensing my discomfort and tension, the first thing T usually does is try to find out what is happening inside. He notice something (I'm assuming usually a physical response) and ask what it was or what is coming up for me or who is there or who did that if I seem to have had some sort of involuntary response. I usually freeze and can't say anything initially. Anyway, he just usually gently inquires about what's going on inside and if I'm distressed, he will ask what he can do to help or offer the touch stuff as described above.

Oh, and he uses a very gentle voice, quiet. And sometimes if I can talk about what is going on and he is listening, he just acknowledges with a soft "Mmmm" and waits for me to be able to continue. I don't often look at him, but when I have, he always has a kind look, whether it is a smile or just a sort of serious care in his expression, because there are some things you just can't smile about, obviously. Sometimes, he can somehow sense the kids worrying that he is mad or they are in trouble or some sort of rules are being broken by talking or being comforted and even if I am just hearing it in my head, it seems like he can hear it too, because he will say the exact thing they are worried about, like "I'm not mad, not leaving, not going away, etc." I think this comes from the last several months of trying very hard to tell him when those things are coming up, so he has gotten to kind of see some sort of physical manifestation of those feelings and fears?

Ha, I keep editing, because I remember more. In terms of eye contact, I don't look at him a lot when I'm distressed. I tend to look at him easily when it's just me and we are talking about present-day, non-triggering stuff or joking around or whatever. But, when kids are out, I am dissociating, looking at objects in the room, stuck inside memories in my head, so I have no idea where my eyes are, etc. But, when there is tons of distress such that I can't hear something really important, he will ask me to look at him while he says something, usually gentle, but firm. Like, before parts work, when he moved away from sitting on the floor together and he wanted to apologize for the distress the whole situation caused and I would just not hear him on it, he said, "Yaku, please look at me!" in a kind of pleading way that allowed me to remember that even though he was distancing himself, he wasn't going away anywhere...he was just trying to be safe to me.

I guess this has been a good topic for me today, because I am super scared that he is mad and bothered by me from some of our texting stuff this weekend and it's a good reminder that I have never seen him be anything but kind and gentle, even when he has stepped in it with stupid comments or I have been triggered because of past stuff and transference...

My Ts talk softly, touches reassuringly, and they have tried asking for eye contact before but that makes things worse. One T will say she "I'm here" which... Usually when I'm upset I'm thinking "I need to get out of here, I want to be alone immediately!" so that is not super helpful to be reminded I'm stuck there with T unless I can bring myself to leave. It's mostly the tone that calms me, my Ts will also just be silent and that works. They don't really soothe me much in session because I'm not very upset. Or they will guide me through a visual to calm my own self down. It's a strangely isolating thing in a way. I feel like they help me calm me more than being the instrument of calm themselves. Touch is standard in my therapy so it is used when I am not in turmoil also.

When I'm talking about really emotional and stressful situations, she talks in this soothing and gentle voice that I really like so much. She also uses touch and hugs, but if I we have an extra emotionally tough session (well if I have an emotionally tough time ha) she'll let me hug her for as long as I need. I also notice she gets this really sympathetic look on her face as well. She's so amazing

My current T doesn't do anything to comfort or ground- at least not that I am aware of. It's just a normal relationship between two people, one with a lot of issues and personality problems (me) and one with a lot of expertise and compassion in helping people change stuff that isn't helping in their lives, (him.) It's a good arrangement overall. I like it, because I do want to change and become better- but I also find it to be quite terribly painful at times. However- he doesn't promise me anything that he cannot follow through on, and he's kind enough to make it possible to engage in the tough stuff that I'd rather not see about myself. He often gives my arm a pat after a tough session, and I kinda hang onto that for some reason. He's a nice guy. I'm getting better. Healing really hurts. It's like lifting weights, or training. ouchy.

I appreciate my T- but I don't love him or get any kind of warm and fuzzy feelings about him. I just like him, and think he's really nice, and he's a real hard ass, which is exactly what I need. No one ever cared about me enough to discipline me or show me ways I need to change when I was young- now it's time to do the work. Overcoming the despair of helplessness.

This works for me, I think.

BB

Hi Beebs... glad to see that you are still with your T and that things are getting better and the relationship seems solid. Good for you for sticking with him and with the hard work of therapy. You are a very strong cookie

My T only does a few things that are helpful when I need comfort or grounding. He does not do hugs at all or hand holding. He does wheel his chair in closer to me and leans forward when I'm in distress or getting agitated. He uses a soft and gentle voice to soothe me and at the end of a session after we shake hands he will touch my shoulder or arm and pat it. Lately he has taken to squeezing my elbow or upper arm. That feels like a sign of affection that I really like... especially as he is not really a touchy feely kind of person.

TN

My T
1.lowers his voice and makes it even softer and gentler than it normally is.
2.He also uses my name very softly.
3. He also allows space and silence, and he kind of gets more solid and grounded, in the silence which is reassuring to me.
4. He asks if he can put his hand on my hand or arm (by previous agreement some months ago, for when I feel upset)
5. he says: I am sorry you are hurting so much. Or " I am sorry it hurts so badly."
6. \A few times his eyes have filled up with tears ... which is sweet to see.
7. Sometimes he brings his chair closer or if we are sitting on the floor, he moves slightly closer whilst asking me if I am okay with that.
8. He puts a cushion between me and the desk or wall if I am so upset my head crashes back.
9. He suggests I breathe slowly and deeply.
10. He asks me sometimes what the rest of the day holds for me, so that I come back to the present and talk about ordinary things.
11. He sometimes talks aloud so that I can hear him if I want to, but he can't quite tell if I have shut down. (He lets me record sessions so it is not wasted, I get to hear it later but I find the sound of his voice soothing.)
12. If I am really very upset, he starts voicing all the possible safety things he can put in place for me, like I can stay in another room, til I feel more okay, after the session, or he tells me which day he will be at work the following week so that I can know when to ring him. Or that he can arrange the crisis team to drop by on me (never had to have that yet, thank goodness). I like the way he knows WHAT to do no matter WHAT happens. I have not ruffled him badly yet.
13. He gets me a glass of water and more tissues but always asks if I am okay on my own and reassures me.
14. He suggest I leave a gap before driving and I often go to a nearby cafe til I feel more steady.
15. He looks at me with such compassion and kindness that I can't help feeling a bit better.
16. He asks me to feel the floor beneath me, or feel how my feet are grounded into the earth.
17. He asks if I would like him to pass me my bear or blanket.
18. He asks me what would help...


gosh, this list is very long and I feel like I could still keep adding to it! Better stop for now though. It is a good question.

My cannot use touch with me since we like thousands of miles apart. But she does tell me she would like to give me a hug if we were in person and that she is sending me hugs in spirit.

She also will try to get me to make eye contact. She will offer kind things to say..things like how much she cares about me, that she is so fond of me, that she enjoys working with me, that it is so rewarding to work with me, etc. I usually look down and don't say much and she will then ask me what I am doing with that (what she just said).