Hey Sadly,
I think you should share- just as you had shared with us. I know easier said than done.

Sadly,
I do not think you are being unreasonable, particularly regarding him calling you a different name and telling you he will be gone for 10 days the day before he left. That is unprofessional and not considerate.

((((Sadly)))) so sorry you are in a rough and raw place right now.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in your reactions at all to your P. If he doesn’t have time to read something take the time to write and bring in and give to him, he should at least tell you when you give it to him that he doesn’t have time – or even use session time to read it, even if it is the next session’s time... My T has read stuff in between sessions and during sessions. Once, I even left a session for her to read something, and then came back because it was too torturous for me for her to read it with me. Some Ts are willing to use outside time, some are not… but not reading it at all would really bother me too. He may not be realizing how important it is for you or how important the content is. Same for using the different name. One of my two’s T went on a trip without a lot of notice too, even though she had seen me weekly for 8-9 months at that point. She didn’t think it would shake me up at all, but it did, and the instant I seemed at all uneasy, she addressed it and worked through it with me. We came up with a plan - and she had told me a week in advance, so I had time... A regular therapy time helps me too. As soon as she picked up on it, she gave me a regular time. Just last week, when I was suddenly spooked by something that didn't suprise me would scare me, but did surprise her, she adjusted and helped me feel more safe. Sometimes she doesn't know what's important for me (not just what is important to me, but what is important for her to know to help me) and sometimes I can't tell her, but usually when I do, we work through it - she puts other things aside - or when she senses something that is up, she helps me communicate what I can.

In other posts, your P has sounded like a he does care and thinks what you have to say is important. But it seems like he is missing the boat on some things here that are pretty essential things. Being heard and known by our T/Ps is essential – and your P likely knows this… I think you should share with him your concerns and how you are feeling about it - by writing or any way you can. It's really hard to not be heard, and really hard to struggle so much to share with our Ts and then to have it not handled more carefully - or to be overlooked and not even read - well, that would really bother me too, a lot.

hang in there,
~jane

Thanks all of you and thank you for encouraging me to post.
Jane - I was heartened by your responce and I shall indeed try tentatively to address these concerns when I see him.
He is very overworked I think. It feels like he is slotting me in where he can.
Also, he will not comment AT ALL when I talk about the traumas of being terminated by the ex counsellor. He just says quite strongly and clearly that he will not comment on that at all and that I am welcome to talk about it but that he will never comment on it. so I find that I remember upsetting details like when the ex C lied to me and he just says 'hmm' when I bring it up. I told him that I find that I am getting angry that he always says hmmmmm when I mention things that she did that were wrong, unethical or unprofessional, and that I feel he is being ridiculously neutral here when in fact he could at least comment. It leaves me feeling like he disbelieves me and that he sides with her.

I like him too much to make these major issues but they are upsetting me and I also find them a little disrespectful too. Strange.

he does care , so I have to take my courage in both hands on Tuesday and tell him.

Unfortunately he moved my session to Tuesday and I cannot make Tuesday really as I see my EMDR T on the same day so I tried to get her to move me and she could not so I asked him and he would not - so I am stuck seeing them both on the same day. What a day that will be. I liked the fact that I saw one on the Tuesday and one of the Friday, it kind of helped me to stagger through the week - I felt more supported.

I too do the majority of my "deep" communication with my T in writing, because I just can't make it happen verbally. And most of my stuff is nowhere near as sensitive of a topic. I have generated about 100 pages single spaced in five or six months of therapy. T does occasionally tell me, apologetically, when he has fallen behind on reading, but despite his crazy schedule, he keeps up with my emails and texts most of the time. I don't get too hurt by him not having time to read. Occasionally something will come up that I know I have written him and/or told him about as many as three or four times and he'll treat it as "new" information (e.g. my mom threatening suicide to me as a teenager)...and that gets disappointing.

Last week, he said something like, "I think some of these issues with you wanting to quit sometimes and getting so depressed before leaving have to do with that abandonment." I said, "Well...yeah!" which he heard as, "No $#!+, Sherlock!" It was good that he voiced that connection, but it was one I have personally made and thought I had clearly communicated about a dozen times. So, every once in a while, feeling "unheard" like that can be hurtful. But, it also helped that he was OK with, even encouraging of, my (slightly sarcastic) "No Duh" type reaction.

I can really relate to how you're feeling, because putting something so sensitive out there and not feeling it was received is very scary and triggering to me as well. I guess the best advice I can offer is to see your relationship with your T as a human one that will have its hiccups. Every time I have been bold enough to express frustration or hurt, T has been sincerely apologetic and has explained his own limitations in a way that still validates my feelings. Moreover, we have been able to appreciate together how big of a deal it is for me to trust him (feel safe) enough to express those feelings, rather than ignore them or punish myself for having them. It makes me feel good to have welcomed that sort of depth within months of knowing him when I have gone my entire life without trusting more than a couple others that much. And it seems to make him feel good that he is providing an environment where I can experiment with that sort of communication safely and learn that not everyone will reject me for having boundaries or asserting myself.

So, I would say to bring up your frustrations with your T. He may not be able to fix it in the way you would ideally choose (no longer take so long to read, etc.), but feeling heard can remove the sting. I am fairly new to therapy (and this forum), though, and I can't say for sure if what works with me and my T would go for anyone else.

quote:

Also, he will not comment AT ALL when I talk about the traumas of being terminated by the ex counsellor. He just says quite strongly and clearly that he will not comment on that at all and that I am welcome to talk about it but that he will never comment on it.

Sadly, this is just about ALL we talk about and have talked about in the last 4 months of therapy with my current T. He understands the need to talk it through, to find insight, to just express my feelings about it, to relate to him how it negatively impacted my life, how I'm suffering, what I'm feeling, and most of all he talks A LOT to me about the reasons why it was not MY fault and that I am NOT to blame for what happened. Through careful and thorough discussion about what happened with oldT and the sessions leading up to my abandonment, my current is pointing out things that I had no control over and that should have been handled better by oldT. He helps me to see what went wrong and why it was not me. He said we have not talked too much about oldT and that each time we discuss it I present him with new sides to the story. I relate and connect how it has impacted my family life, work, health, social life, school etc. He said he may get concerned if I just focus on on aspect over and over and get "stuck" but as long as he sees forward movement he will not be concerned. I am grateful that he has been totally open and accepting of my need to talk about what happened, even accepting that I am angry at him because he is not my oldT!

About appointments.... I did not have a regular appointment until about 3 weeks ago. He has a really busy schedule and it was hard to get me in and I'm sure he was giving me appts that opened up because some people go to see him every other week or once a month. There was a point where I went 8 days without seeing him and I only emailed him once in between but I was at the edge of hysteria. I was feeling like he didn't want me, didn't have room for me, was trying to figure out how to get rid of me, and plain just didn't care that I was suffering in between sessions so much. I finally confronted him on it and sat there crying and telling him...8 days... I cannot go 8 days in between and you are moving me around so much I feel like I'm not wanted here and you have no time for me and that I'm taking time from other long time clients that you REALLY like.

We talked about it and he explained that things were opening up... that he had two clients on the verge of leaving therapy at their own choice and he would have a steady appointment for me. So he gave me a steady Monday time. Then he added another appointment during the week that may have to flucuate but that was okay since I did have "my" regular time on Monday. He said he really does want to see me 2x per week for awhile because it seems to stabilize me better. And the thanked me for telling him my feelings and he validated how hard it must have been for me to open up like that.

And so it worked out in the end. I don't feel so unwanted.

As for being on time. My T regularly runs 10 mins late and that is fine. He gives me an hour. I think if you want your P/T to always be on time you also need to accept the fact that he will never give you extra time to calm down or settle down after a hard session, otherwise he will run behind with others. I think that it is a trade off and I never got upset when my oldT was running behind either. I figured he had a good reason. It sounds like your P is over worked and has a lot of difficult cases and may not be a good clock watcher. You surely can mention it to him but be prepared for him to say that is the way he works. I wouldn't take it personally.

As for reading stuff... I never send my T more than 2-3 paragraphs of an email. I think he would object to reading a lot of stuff in email because he feels we need to talk about issues in session and I need to learn to verbalize it in a way that puts me in touch with the experience and my feelings. If I can't say it then perhaps I'm not ready to face it yet and need more time to build trust and safety.

I do think all your concerns are valid and should be discussed in session with your P. You may not agree with everything he says but it will be out in the open and not clouding the space where therapy needs to happen.

Good luck and let us know.
TN

Am feeling really nervous now, as it is tomorrow. But I will try and let you know how it goes as I really appreciate your comments and support.

It is really hard finding a therapist that fits. What makes it harder for me is that I am actually trained in this field (!*!*!*!) but I actually have a rampagingly hurt small child deep inside, locked in, and throwing the system into disarray, but I am AWARE of what is happening. It does not make it stop. And therapists including this sweet psychologist admit they know of me professionally and am intimidated by me. This sort of does not HELP - as my own intellectual knowledge and mindfulness experience is not meeting the needs of this ragingly hurt small child within who is ragingly hurt for very good reason and it is why I have suppressed and covered up that part of me brilliantly for so long.

True North - thank you for your helpful comments, I know you know so well the pain of termination and starting with a new T. I find it very frustrating that he will let me speak of her, but absolutely utterly refuses to comment or 'take sides'. which is almost enraging. I shall really tell him how angry I am getting about that.

Also, I want to thank you TN for the book recommendation. I am finding 'Attachment in therapy ' to be giving me one light bulb moment after another, - it is a truly insightful book and it endorses what I was tell the ex C about what was going wrong between us, her counter transference that she was in total denial of and the build up of resentment and frustration from her side that she kept trying to hide.

I am tempted to buy both the P and the ex C the book as a present.

I am so nervous of tomorrow. I know it will be hard to state my difficulties and yet I feel sweetP will be very sweet and listen and negotiate and explain and be kind ... and even apologise if necessary - as he is like that.

but we shall see.

And JaneDoe, my EMDR sessions are really intense, we are working on the immense pain that comes from being trapped in boiling water for a long period of time when i was six months old and how that has affected me. I always denied that it did. Until about August. I am scarred down my left side and my back. multiple skin grafts and much surgery.

So yes, tomorrow is going to be pretty tiring. I also find that I am exhausted most days as I need to lie flat about 2pm - NEED to desperately = a dragging exhaustion that means I go into a deep sleep if I lie flat - it is very inconvenient but hey ho, just how it is right now. Tomorrow does not look like it will have a gap at all. I also have to look after my son with whom I spent all afternoon at the hospital and last week too, and in a few days time he will go in to hospital for a longer stay and that is going to be difficult as it is a drive away. AND my mother is ill and my father in law is in hospital and my husband is over worked and yelling at all of us a lot and I have a temperature and I ache and - oh, well, I still am working a little - four hours today. I seem to be having a moan. I guess I feel that it is easy on a site like this to judge someone on the short posts they put up on here, and not really get a sense of the wider picture of their lives, and I try not to do that to each of us, and yet I know that like me each of us probably have complicated lives as well as the roller coaster of therapy going on.

I dreamt last night that sweetP disrespected me hugely in a session and I had to point out that he was infact being rude. It was very hard.

I am so nervous of tomorrow.

Wow, Sadly, you have a LOT going on, and I can understand why you feel raw and vulnerable. To address your OP, I think if my T called me by the wrong name or failed to even glance at a written item that was so important I would have a REALLY hard time getting over it. SO, I think it was very forgiving and gracious of you to go back. I also think it's odd how he refuses to talk about the bad T (or P? I am just learning these abbreviations) that you had. That seems like importnat work in therapy. I wish doctors did not have to operate under the fear of lawsuits, it makes actual communication very difficult.

About tomorrow, I hope that it goes well.

Sadly, I am happy to help whenever I can. Glad you like the book. I think you need to ask sweetP WHY he cannot comment on your relationship and the ending with C. He should at least explain it to you.

I hope you all feel better soon. Good luck tomorrow.

TN

I shall ask, TN. Last time I asked he said it was a problem that they are collegues in the same NHS trust or something and yet I found out last week that the only contact he has with the ex C is when she is part of a referral - she is not apparently in the same group as him.

And even so, shouldn't that make him MORE concerned about her breaches in therapy?

Instead of making it easier to deal with, I feel more angry about it all as I feel denied disbelieved and unheard with his repeated 'hmm' noises and nothing else.

I found myself wanting to complain to her professional body this week, not just to the surgery practice she works at. Which seems like an escalation to me and purely provoked by not being heard by the P.

Sigh

I am hoping the other book you recommended comes shortly. I feel sometimes that the professionals in this back woods of England are SO behind the times - having lived in the US and been aware of the work in my field going on there and in contact with colleagues there, I am stunned by the small perspective of the local counsellor at the local surgery, on issues like attachment. I am moaning again.

It is making me want to go back and live in the US! Which is always a possibility - both my work and my husbands work is in demand there.

Oh - I am just rambling because I am nervous about meeting sweetP in about an hour and a half.

shake tremble shake.



Heartlamp thank you for your comments too - yes it is hard. And thank you all of you. It is good to have a site where people with considerable personal experience of therapy and insight and knowledge too, sometimes from both sides of the room, can come together and chew things over - and support each other. This is such a help to me, when I dare to post.

Brilliant session, oh boy, this man is GOOD.

Will update later, really busy day,

but it went so well and i stunned us both in how courageous I was - you would not BELIEVE what I actually admitted to him in the last 15 minutes!!! ( Did I REALLY say all that?!?!?)

it was just brilliant, he was so open and self reflective - it felt like we shifted to a whole new dimension of relating - like a fresh breeze had just wafted in.

Relief.

yay!!!

Sadly... that is wonderful. I look forward to hearing about the session and what sweetP said and whay you said that took such courage. Glad it went well.

TN

where to begin?

I handed him a toy shield from my son's swords box and said he might need to hide behind it to protect him as I was about to get cross and I did not want him to get hurt. He liked that. I also gave him a card apologizing for hurting him in the future if I ever get very angry and lose awareness in my anger and hurt him badly, the card wrote how "I would be really upset afterwards and if it ever happens please read this card and remember that I don't mean to hurt you and don't want to hurt you." And I told him that when I wrote it it reminded me of how I wrote notes to my mum apologizing for things or just saying I would be more good, and that it was sort of linked somehow. But that I meant what I said in the card too.

He had my bear, sitting on my chair for me. I hugged bear and was so delighted to see my P that it was hard to change gear and start being cross with him (remember I had had an unexpected ten day gap.)

He took down the name of the book that TN recommended (Attachment in Psychology) and he said he might know some of what is in it. I smiled sweetly and said I had no idea if he knew a lot or a little so I was assuming he knew some but not all.

Then I asked him outright WHY he would not make any comment when I brought up ex C and what she did so blatantly wrong? Then I got a bit carried away and said that it was just like I tried to tell my mum about my dad and my mum would say she did not want to say anything against my dad and if my mum was being awful, my dad would say the same to me and it never felt that anyone was willing to HEAR or listen to ME. And then I added - for good measure - as I was on a roll - that I also felt that he did not believe me about how bad it was with ex C- that he was just letting me vent and assuming that I would stop eventually and he would just sit it out and say nothing. He was by now looking decidedly uncomfortable. (but wearing some very very smart trousers!)
I also said that he could not remain so impartial or continue to sit on the fence as i just feel that the fact that ex C hurt me so much and was actually WRONG in what she did, does not matter. That saying nothing to me, means that the pain I went through and the mess of it all is of no consequence, me being hurt does not matter. And of course, that brings up so many times in the past when me being hurt and trying to tell someone - how it did not matter then either, people did not want to 'get involved' or ' take sides' or whatever. I got very upset at this point. And poor P was trying very hard to say something but I was so much in full flow that I just kept pouring the hurt out, about how I felt I did not matter and that being late for my sessions, forgetting my name and my file and what I had said, just indicated further that I did not matter and if he was too busy and had too many clients (sorry 'patients' :P ) to remember what I had said, or given him to things to read which he said he had not read - well then he should not see so many people and he should tell me so and I will go and find a therapist who is not so overworked that he cannot even remember my name.

Then I went back to how I felt I was getting more upset about the ex C as each time I told him about it he kept silent.

So he starts to talk. I rather impishly tell him a lot of people are waiting to hear WHY he will not make any comment on this so please take his time and think carefully about what he is going to say. He smiles.

He tells me that he has had a mixture of feelings and layers inside himself about what he thinks and feels about the ex C situation. He has been feeling very sorry for her, as she is a counsellor, same kind of profession as him and she had messed up and it must be really hard for her, so he felt that. (Sweet of him) He also felt that it was terrible for me, that she did indeed make many mistakes and it was very painful and damaging for me and he thought he remembered saying whilst it was still happening that he thought the counter transference on her side had got too strong for her to see what was happening, (true - I do remember a phone call in the middle of the ending with ex C, where P was being very supportive)
He said he found it very hard, as he was aware that I was so hurt and he was also aware that the ex C must be struggling with what had happened too and he could not help feeling sorry for her. Strangely he did not say he felt sorry for me. I said I felt sorry for her too but that it was horrendous what happened and him just sitting there for weeks being deliberately impartial and non partisan, meant that I felt like my feelings were being negated.

He kept talking and I felt his difficulty and I also felt his sincere regret that I had not felt supported enough through this by him. He was very sincerely aware that I had felt let down by him. He did say something that I did not understand : that he understood something that he had not understood about this before - but I did not quite catch what that was, it was somehow hard to follow. I shall try to ask him next time.

About the giving of my written stuff, I had said that I knew he was busy and if necessary he could TELL me and we could leave time at the end for him to read what I give him or him tell me how much like: maybe only half an A4 -

he replied that he had left some time just before his holiday for catching up and had read all the things that I had written. But that it would be helpful if I could be a bit more succinct and also mark the most crucial bits.

Very fair and I totally agreed, it felt that we were negotiating well and it was really open and helpful.

I said the other points were minor once I had got the written things and the ec C points out of the way and sorted a bit. So I did not really go down the rest of the list. I also told him I had a longer list of his good points and what he was doing well but unfortunately we were running out of time.

LOL

I will tell him on Friday.

He was so kind. He did not shout at me and he really did listen. He understood that sometimes I was saying what I FELT he had said but that he might not feel he had said it that way. We agreed on that.

then I tried to read him the dream I had about him yesterday. It started off with my prejudices and discomfort around being in a 'mental health' environment and how in the dream I am admitting I still have not come to terms with having to come there as it really frightens me but that I am also slowly getting the hang of it, at which point he did seem to say something. - He has said that he deliberately does not label me anything as he knows it upsets me and so he just keeps trying to get a feel of what it is like to be me and how it is to be suffering the way I do. In the dream it is a bit more confused but then he starts asking me how I am feeling. And then in real life, in the session, I realized that I could not read out from my journal any further as in the dream I tell him what my young me is actually feeling whilst telling I am telling him what my body is feeling and how they tie together. It is quite graphic in the dream. In real life I just CANNOT speak what I have written. So in real life, my P suggests I transcribe it and bring it to the next session for him to read. but then I just hand over my journal and he reads it to himself. I can hardly believe I did that. I cannot tell you what it said, I just cannot, I have not disclosed something at that level before so it was like jumping over a huge waterfall and going into freefall. He read it and looked at me. I had conveniently forgotten accurate small details that I had written but I could remember the vague outline - so I did not go bright red then (did later when I read it to myself at home and thought: my god, I let him read THAT!) so now he knows something crucial and it seems to change everything. I am stunned that I suddenly revealed that.

He said he found me incredibly courageous and open and that he was very moved and admired my ability to just keep going, to work at this step by step even though each step is so painful for me. He also said that he only sees me one and half hours a week so he only sees that small amount of time of my pain and he knows that I live a life that is full and that I am in deep pain internally for days at a time and he admires me for how much I am tenaciously determined to reveal and disclose and be honest and face things and that he watches this and the amazing gifts of insight each daring and courageous revelation I make, brings to me later. It is all proving worthwhile. We both beamed at this. It is like all the weird images and feelings in my head that I have run from all my life, that seemed so illogical and worse, now that I have turned round and faced them, (and it is terrifying for me, for these monsters seem to be so weird) - well once faced head on and in the eye, these monsters start revealing their origins, what caused them to be and what causes them to be. And it is like ' WOW - things come about from some REASON!!!!

Too tired to write anymore now, but I think my P is good and not the slightest bit fazed by me pointing out what I am feeling cross about.

I feel heard and respected and that makes all the difference.

Then I saw my EMDR therapist - about five hours later and she had asked me to take photos of the scars and grafts on my body from being trapped and burnt so I had made an imovie with music and these photos and she and I watched it once, with much crying and then talked about me being burnt so badly as a baby and then we watched it again. It is going to take a while, but I feel at last I am giving space to the pain and feelings I have around this. After denying it for 49 years.

Wow, Sadly, I'm amazed at you! You are so brave. The type of things you say in person I can only manage to write about. I'll try to use that as inspiration for my own discussion tonight. Once again, you're amazing!

Sadly I'm so glad your P heard you today and at least offered some comment to what happened with your C. I realize they are colleagues but I think his focus needs to be on you not her, no matter what she feels. Aside from that he was wonderful. To have your Teddy there and to patiently listen and offer comfort to you. To have caught up on the reading and to find compromise with your writing to him. All of this is very good but that is because you were courageous in broaching these subject with him and of course he's impressed... you were impressive.

I am also glad the EMDR is working out for you and helping you process and grieve the trauma.

I hope you get a good night's sleep.

BTW, the comment about his fine trousers made me smile. I often think that about my T's wonderful sweaters. Makes him look so darn cuddly.

Best
TN

It was only three days since I last saw him and I was still delighted to see him, still feeling reassured and soothed from having seen him on Tuesday and able to verbalise that.

"It has been SUCH a doddle getting to today, three days gap between sessions is SO easy!" He asked why that was and I said "It is because it is so short, it does not feel like a long time. A week feels like a long time and ten days felt far too long, so long that I am still in the 'delighted to see you' mode and also I had had to ring FirstFinder to make it through the ten days. It was too long. I hurt too much. But isn't it amazing that I can tell you all this. That I AM telling you all this!" He nodded and agreed.

He had brought in my bear and the toy shield that I had brought last session. I noted the shield and that he had put it on the desk. Why? He then did something really beautiful. I was so moved by this. He said "Well, I have been thinking about the shield and I realised that I felt uncomfortable with it. I think I felt that you were feeling that you needed to shield me from your anger or hurt and actually I very strongly want you to know that you do not need to shield me at all. I am not in need of protecting from you, from your angers or hurts. I do not want you to feel that you have to shield me or that I am in need of shielding. So I am not really happy with the shield."
As he said all this I am aware that my face has softened and I am watching him with a tender gaze as I can see he is finding this hard and yet is trying to communicate something both hard and also important and that he quite clearly has my best interests at heart. I am deeply moved.
I explain back that the shield is a symbol for me that I do not wish to hurt him. I will want to point out things I am not happy with about what he is saying or doing. He understood that and could see that I might need to give him it to make it clear to him that I don't want to hurt him and that I need to make that very clear sometimes and that the shield is a way to do that. I added that I sometimes might want to hold the shield myself! So I put the shield in the middle between us, so either of us could have it and he said he was happy with that.

I also said that I am not picking up his caring. That he mentioned last session that sometimes he felt like crying and I did not think I had ever spotted him crying. He seemed to not be caring when I told him difficult stuff. Was I not letting his caring through? He paused and reflected and disclosed that other clients (oops, sorry: 'patients') had said the same thing and that he knows from previous feedback that he can often come across as 'unperturbed'. He said that when I have told him things that hurt me, he does sometimes feel his eyes filling up with tears but that he feels that it is inappropriate be too lost in his feelings and obviously he wasn't going to end up sobbing in a corner but that at the same time, he was trying to control too much emotion so that he could focus on what I was saying. He also explained that when I am telling something difficult or painful, he suspected that it took a lot of my inner awareness and attention to focus on what I was saying and did not leave a lot left over for giving attention or awareness to what he was feeling.

He then did his usual "Is there anything that you particularly want to talk about?" I find this so funny. I always have a LONG list of things I want to talk about and never manage to get them all said. There always feels like I have a backlog of things to talk about.

[ Note: A friend of mine who is a therapist says it is very hard for her sometimes as the clients sometimes just sit there saying nothing - for ages. This friend, Serai, said that sweetP and the EMDR T (who still has not got a name here) must both find me so EASY to work with as I constantly have a backlog of really important things to work on - and more keep coming up. Personally I cannot imagine having NOTHING to say, there is too much processing to be done but I also do feel pleased that both sweetP and EMDR T (Carrie? Cos she cares?) say that I am so easy to work with because I say what I need and tell them what is going on, in the present moment and also during the gaps between sessions. EMDR T said that she had no idea when she set me homework to photograph my scars, burns and skin grafts that I would end up making a movie that was so beautiful and moving. (Neither did I!) And she said that she felt deeply moved to have seen it and that I shared it with her. She was visibly moved by it, I think she may have cried, as she reached for the tissues a few times. It is lovely for me to have my T and my sweetP both enjoy working with me.]

I answered sweetP that I had loads to say from last session. I would like to talk about his comments about NewFinder and also about the dream and how I feel now after him reading the dream. I explained to him that after last session, I felt I had walked through a door from the DarkWood and am now in a space like in the film 'The Matrix', where the main character goes through a door into an infinite space which is all white and no features. I say quietly that I do not know this place, that I have not been here before and it is new to me. I explained that although sweetP knows the terrain of some my traumas (such as the burn, my father, my grandfather, my mother, my sister, the boy Craig, the guru in India, the FalseFinder, the Trickster and now NewFinder) he does not know that what I am telling him now, what I have begun to tell him since I started working with him, is new stuff, a deeper level of each of these. I want him to hear that. I don't want him thinking "oh this is just her going off on old stuff again." No this is new stuff. A whole new layer is now opening up. He responded that he heard that and was aware of that.

I asked him how it was with me firing stuff at him last session: "Did you feel bombarded?" He said he did feel a little like he wanted to counter what I was saying but that he soon realised that I actually was hurting and that the main message was that I was feeling that I did not matter so he listened to that. He did not feel particularly bombarded though it was a little difficult at times. It was then important to me to point out that I may have been being a bit unreasonable and that I knew even whilst I was throwing stuff at him that he COULD counter with things like "but you said I did not have to read your writings if I did not have time!" and "How often do you WANT me to apologize for that one time that I was late?!" I felt he was very magnanimous. He did not do a 'NewFinder' on me, what we now call in my family 'doing a NF' ie taking it personally and becoming hurt and defensive whilst denying that you are hurt or defensive. He pondered this and then started COMMENTING on NewFinder (probably provoked by last sessions frustration from me).
sweetP: "I think that NewFinder did care about you a lot, and obviously so, during the first year you worked together. She felt that she WAS deeply caring for you and you were telling her that you did not feel she cared. Then I think she did find it hard to hear you point out her failings and seem to not appreciate all she had done for you. I think she found it very hard that she perceived you as not appreciating her and all her kindness. I think this escalated on her side and it seems that she did not get the help she could have found, to see what was going on in herself and so she got angry, frustrated and resentful with you and that built up. Also at the same time, the more you explained to her, whilst in your own pain , that you were NOT feeling her care and that you felt abandoned, the more angry she became inside and you experienced that as withdrawal and so you increased your intensity of wanting and reaching out to her and this increased her reactive pushing away and so the spiral intensified until she could not cope anymore and you were distraught and she abandoned you. "

Whilst he was telling me all this I had curled into a fairly tight ball with bear as it somehow hurt to hear but it was exactly my assessment of what had happened with NewFinder so it was reassuring too. Also, at least sweetP was COMMENTING on NF at last!

I told him that my anger seems huge to me but that when I get angry I rarely get VERY angry and that in case he wondered about this, I would read out to him the very page that I had read to Trickster which had caused Trickster to explode and cut me down and say such vicious cruel and attacking things to me in front of three colleagues. So I read it out and sweetP said it was a very reasonable page. And it is. I was being very reasonable. I then read out the email from a friend who is a clinical psychologist too who has known Trickster for decades and how she says 'he is not a very nice person but he is very clever' and explains why he is such a bully and a misogynist: his father was.
So I talk for a while about how I was set up basically by Trickster and his accomplice and how I am a very very good teacher and how my own friend said in her email "I think you would threaten him as you have a much kinder and more reliable heart."

I explained how Trickster had turned on me in front of five colleagues one evening and said "Can I point out to you why people don't like the way you teach?"
Now he may have had some good points in his criticism (but not that I could hear), but this is not the way to do it. The way to have done it is in private, and also pointing out the good things about how I teach, first. Then he should have included some valuable feedback on areas for improvement and how to go about that improving. (In the page to him that I read out, I said this.) Also, Trickster had only seen me teach ONCE. He walked in unexpectedly into a group that I was not supposed to be teaching but his accomplice had set up that I teach that day. This group contained some very strong characters who had strong negative feelings about me so we had made agreement in this course to keep me away from them. So yes, I was set up.

Anyway, I found myself saying to sweetP that I AM a very good teacher and then explaining to him that I am not deluded, I have been teaching for over 30 years and I am passionate about teaching and I have a natural talent for it. I told him that when I was assessed recently with six supervisions of me teaching classes in my different fields, three senior education university teacher trainers assessed me as an exceptionally gifted and natural teacher.

SweetP said that from what he knows of me he imagines that I am indeed a very good teacher, "I imagine you are a very good teacher, I have no doubts about that. Truly." That was very good to hear from him. Some affirmation. I like it when he says things like that.

SweetP asked "why do you email FirstFinder to ask for a time to phone when FirstFinder keeps telling you that you could just phone her and ask her or just phone and talk when you need to?" So I explained that I had also lost GoodFinder in the summer so with losing him and NewFinder I was not risking doing something wrong that would annoy FirstFinder and then I could lose her too. I am being cautious. Losing GoodFinder had hurt deeply. And as sweetP knows, losing NewFinder cut me to the core, it was an unbearable emotional pain, an agony that went on for months leaving me feeling that my world had been blown apart. I did not want that happening to me again.

'the undesired loss of a loved, one is one of the deepest and most troubling pains of which we, as social creatures are capable. ... the psychic pain informs us of the importance of those we have lost.' (Panksepp, 1998, p260)

At the end of the session today I had five minutes left and he asked was there anything I wanted to say that we could start in five minutes and then finish off next week?

I said that I wondered why I suddenly felt like I had wasted the session. Then I remembered that I still had one last thing to say. The important thing that is always left until last. LOL.

I decided to leap in at the deep end and said I knew the answer was going to be no and I did not want to ask this and that I would rather wait for several months before I asked it but both FirstFinder and Peace, wanted me to ask him this question. I knew the 'no' was going to hurt me terribly so I really would prefer NOT to ask it and yet I knew too that my friends are right, that I should indeed get it said to him. I asked sweetP what he would say if the little, six month old part of me, asked him to hold her. "What would you say if she asked you to hold her because she is hurting so much and talking means nothing to her and only touch seems to soothe her?"

I knew the answer would be no but I knew I needed to ask anyway and that my first T (FirstFinder) and my friends thought I should ask and that if he said no, I should ask if he could help me find a therapist that could hold me when I feel that' six months old' hurting pain.

Interestingly, in the middle of asking the question, I actually become six months old, in pain, in front of him. It happens about the stage where I reveal that I know he will say no and he starts to talk hesitantly and I start to say "Please do not answer, I don't want to hear, please stop, I knew I should not have gone here". This astonishes us both - and I am so deeply in it, preverbal, shaking, total flood of fear and pain and abandonment. Think: being trapped under running boiling water as a baby. I look back on what happened and I see that I was unable to talk clearly, my face was the face of a small distraught baby, my movements were of a very small baby, my struggle to maintain composure was obviously failing and I was even calling out rather loudly in the midst of it, "help!"
I recall that I said "Please do not look at me, I did not want you to see this, I did not want this seen, please help me to stop this, I do not want to be here, I want to go, let me go now, please stop this, this is too awful, no, no, please, no, help me". He did not panic, he was unperturbed. The part of me that was able to observe what was happening to me was both upset and fascinated by what was happening. It was so REAL. It was coming from deep inside me and was so visceral and gut real. It was so utterly real and true.
He asked me to pull back from it, which I managed to do but with some difficulty. I was still on the cusp of it. I was obviously very distressed still but able to look at him again.

He said his reply was neither a yes nor a no. He said that he wanted to reach out like you would ordinarily, like a hand on a shoulder in comfort or an arm around me but that he wondered if he could be struck off professionally for doing that. He said he would talk to his supervisor about this. He asked me if I could leave it with him and I said that I would try to respect his decision about it - that I know I cannot do things that make him feel uncomfortable and that he will have his own boundaries but that I needed to ask.

At least he knew I not making it up. He visibly saw a distraught terrified screaming six month old baby consciousness in the room today. We know that I have a very strong break in attachment patterns and we have known that it comes from being abandoned and left trapped and alone whilst being burnt right through to my muscle tissue on over a half of my body. It would have caused some deep emotional and psychologically foundational damage and here today he witnessed what that was actually like inside my mind. He witnessed how it manifests for me. NewFinder did not get to see that. I told him that that part of me is called LittlestOne and that she attached to NF and I was often aware of her sleeping with her arms around NF's neck.

And I am glad I asked him this pivotal question and also strangely glad that the feelings just poured out in the talking anyway.

At the very end he said he knew that I found a week gap very hard and that an hour and a half with him ( we NEVER only do an hour and a quarter no matter WHAT he says!) must seem like a thimble full out of a vast ocean of stored memories and emotions. He said he appreciated how difficult that must feel for me. But he also said he was very aware of how much creativity and ingenuity I was using to actually handle this pain and the structure of intermittent therapy. I told him about how I was making a quilt and that each block was coming to symbolise each different stage of working with him although the quilt was actually to give to my daughter when she leaves for university in the autumn.

This session today felt really good. I felt that I was talking and responding to him more as a flow and dialogue between us and that there was an intimacy there that was not there before. I liked it. It felt like he was disclosing more and that was helping me to disclose more and even comment on what was happening between us as I disclosed more. This felt like a therapeutic relationship at its best.

I guess I am Aware that his answer to my holding question is likely to be no - this is the man remember who has not even ever held a client's hand. The agony that threw me into in this last session - just the thought that he could say no- was pretty terrible. I do not feel like hearing a no, I feel like pouring cement over all my feelings and going away to die.

It is extraordinary how people don't understand this need.

I was six months old, I was trapped under pouring boiling water for we don't know how long, I was burnt over half of my body (from the waist down) and have major third and nearly fourth degree burns. When i hit that pain, talking does not help.

Only touch contact meets that part of me, I glow with a feeling of being held, met, the oxytoxins and opiates flood my system and regulate me back. Any six month old baby would be held, no one, if there had been someone there would have left me in that. But as an adult carrying this, it is much harder to be held. All my previous four counsellors/therapists have held me, they have not had a problem with that and thank god they did otherwise I would be in a much worse state than I am now.

But I know psychologists are trained differently and I knew that in asking him I was probably laying myself wide open to be hurt. But to fall into the baby pain and flail around in it, INFRONT of him, whilst he pondered the ethics of whether or not he could professionally hold someone who is in agonising pre verbal pain - well that was VERY re traumatising. I spent the rest of the day in bed, did not get up, wrote up on here from bed and then had a very sleepless night, feeling like I am caught up in barbed wire.

I have learnt that other people can express hurt about people not hearing them but that I cannot. That I have no right here to be listened to and heard. I know that. I just wish I was not so alone in this. I just wish I mattered. I just wish that I did not feel like this. I just wish this would stop.

Sadly, if you were here and wanted me to hold you I would. You matter to me.

I have asked my P repeatedly for a hug but he knows that I have erotic transference and always says no it would not be good for where my head goes. But when times are tough for me he does pat my hand.

I understand your reasons for wanting to be held and it sounds like he listened to you and the fact that he is going to ask his supervisor is so lovely, the fact that he listened is so lovely.

Thank you so much Halo for your message - I sort of felt like I had fallen through a hole in the ice. It is so crucial to me and I know from this site and just therapy in general that T's and P's tend to be fairly fixed where they stand on this 'holding/non holding' terrain. And I have ALWAYS been held when I fall into six month old pain, (always sounds like it has happenend for years - but on the rare occasions when in therapy I have felt that little, I am held.) Also, WHEN I am held then I reveal SO MUCH, it is like the little me just trusts and starts talking. I am not talking much, just to put our chairs closer and him to let me come under his arm and rest for awhile. but I could see that would freak out some T's/P's.

He revealed about a month ago that he has never held the hand even of a client/patient. So my chances are not good.

but as you say, it is lovely that he has heard my request and is not going to say no just without thinking about it. But I think it is highly likely he is going to say no.

He does not yet know that I too have erotic transference, and that my child, who was abused, also has mixed up feelings around all that - but my previous T's have known all that, the two males ones as well, and still held the very littlest part of me and it made therapy so much easier for me. They found it beneficial and I found it beneficial too.

I am hoping there might be some leeway. Personally I find it sad and gob smacking that he had practiced for 23 years and never even held some ones hand. but then maybe many of his patients are in some very strange places indeed. I am not even on medication and I work and i run a home and I am active in many extra things, and I am also articulate and aware of my inner processes, maybe that will help. I don't know.

I kinda feel I want to get hold of my ex T's and get them to write WHY they think holding me makes such a difference to my depth of work and how safe and met I feel.



I will probably go under rather deeply if on Friday he does actually say no

He will say it very nicely ,- like ' how can we try to make you feel held even though I am not physically holding you' ....



I also disagree with some of the T's on the net who are SO against holding. I know from my own work and training that holding is a pivotal way of being between primates and we pick up so much from touch, so frankly I feel it is their stuff.....

these books are good on it:
touching clients
see
Issues and ethics in the helping professions
By Gerald Corey, Marianne Schneider Corey, Patrick Callanan
pages 304 - 307


I agree with the text that if touching occurs, it should be a “spontaneous and honest expression of the therapist’s feelings and always done for the client’s benefit.” (Corey, Schneider-Corey, & Callanan, 2007, p. 316)

Touch in Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice
By Edward W. L. Smith

This last one if very good indeed.

I have been polling the therapists I know and they are all for holding, so it just depends on what kind of therapist his supervisor is. She is psychodynamic, whatever that means. Does anybody know and does it mean that she might be in favour of him holding me or against?
Sigh.

I phoned him today and explained that holding to me meant sitting side by side, on our chairs and me just being able sometimes to lean against him. My other therapists put their left arm round me too. And I told him about the book "touch in psychotherapy" which he noted. I rang my first therapist, from 22 years ago and she was sympathetic, she said she doubted the psycho- dynamic supervisor was going to advise that holding was okay. At which point I cried again. it seems that when I reveal what hurts so deeply inside, I am told NOT to feel like that. I cannot NOT feel like that, just be clicking my fingers. I feel like a rat in a maze and the maze is the system here, the NHS, and the way psychologists are trained and of course it is easier to tell me that I am wrong for wanting that, and I KNOW there are a lot of psychotherapists and psychologists who would NEVER touch a patient, but I am used to my therapists holding me, - it works for me. I think in 20 years time, when we really really know how important touch is, how it activates the opiates and oxytocin and how it regulates the amygdala etc etc, then we shall look back to now and see how BEHIND we were in our view on touch in therapy.

Anyway, my P was sweet this morning when I phoned but I felt even worse somehow afterwards as i was SO open about how bad I felt and how much I miss him in between sessions and my god - I cannot believe it is SAFE to trust someone with such infantile feelings - he said something about not knowing whether we just have to see how it goes, or something and then also he kindly explains that because it is half term he will not be available for phoning until thursday but I say that I won't need to phone now, as I have heard his voice.

I think what happens is that I come off the phone, after being so utterly open about this attachment stuff - and then I feel dizzy, sick and nausea from actually let all that be so exposingly known. Ahhhhh.

And had to take my son for his instay at hospital and found I was just crying in the parents room, just triggered so by hospitals from when I was a kid and how awful it was for me. Felt like a true basket case by noon. and then my doctor thinks I have black mold symptoms which would explain the tiredness and exhaustion and aching etc, so blood tests tomorrow for me before a very busy day.

Here I am swimming each day, quilting, playing my musical instrument in a band, singing in a choir, having lunch with friends, supporting my terminally ill best friend, taking care of my son, walking and feeling ill. It is so hard right now.

Sadly,

You have so much on your plate right now. I'm sorry it is so hard and that you aren't getting the answers that you need from your P. Hopefully something will work out on the touch issue and it will be ok. (((hugs)))

My EMDR T was so lovely today, she let me let off steam about how hard it is to be feeling like I am not just naked but stripped raw of skin and hurting inside with a terrible young pre verbal pain and yet able to articulate to her. She even volunteered to phone sweetP and talk about her positive experiences as a T working with touch and holding with clients.
and she let me play with her sand pit and make a sort of island scene and I found that I was so happy to do this, and just began to talk so much about thing I don't really talk about - difficult things. I have never had someone let me 'play' before. It makes talking so much easier. She said again that she loves the way I just say so clearly what I need. That I am up front and I don't manipulate and I say things that are difficult if I can and I work so hard at trying to accept and understand what I am going through. It was so nice and comforting to talk with her. I like her very much.

Sadly,

Glad you had such a great session with EMDR T. I may be totally dense here and you probably have already said, but if EMDR T is pro-touch and you like her then why can't she just be your T? I'm confused.

LOL STRM
good point!

Trouble is I have no attachment stuff around her, I feel like she is a good friend, a chum that I am working on trauma stuff around.

Of course if sweet P absolutely refuses to hold the little traumatized me at all, then she is a possibility, but I just would feel a bit weird with her holding me, it would feel odd.

I guess I only attach to a few people, and whatever CAUSES me to attach is quite subtle. It usually is revealed in a moment - after knowing a person for a while at depth - and it is like 'CLICK' that part of me connects to a part in them it wants to feel safe with and cared for by, and in that dynamic, I want them to hold me when I hurt that bad.

I am sure there are names and terms for it.

Maybe I will attach to the EMDR T at some point ( it took me a year to attach to NF) but usually I can only cope with one attachment figure at a time.
I say 'USUALLY' - makes it sound like I have done this a lot - but in fact I have only attached six times in my life to my previous four T's and now this P - one T I never did attach to. And one person I met who was a very kind soul. I have done so little therapy really, as I would sometimes have to work with someone a bit for a few months and then move cos of work/life etc. I guess if you add it up I have done about one year once a fortnight or month with an awful psychiatrist that I hated, then a year and half with First T, then 9 months with the good T, then two and half years with the false T, then six months with a counsellor to get over false T, then recently 16 months with the ex counselor, and now four months nearly with the sweet P.
All very stop and start.
But the depth at which I am working now is like I am at the core, the foundational issues which make me feel hope and optimistic, painful though it is.

Does that help to know?

My husband phoned my P yesterday or MOnday, I am losing track, and he was so kind and reassuring. I feel helped by that. That he is kind enough to reassure my husband and also that he said that I am articulate and very open and it makes it easier for us both.
This P is so kind. I wish I did not hurt so much - I am missing him so much at the moment. It hurts deeply. I have two whole days to go.

Sadly,

Yes, that does help. I understand what you mean. I'd like to point out that I was not attached to my T for quite a while. Probably around 9 months at least, really! So, my point is that you may grow to be attached to her in time and that would be okay.

(((hugs)))

Thanks STRM. Yes, I could see me getting attached to her, she is really lovely to me, she bought me a blanket just for me and is obviously quite delighted in me - just keeps saying in a very honest and open way, how much she likes working with me as I am so deliberately transparent and obviously very courageous.
It helps. I find your posts very helpful, STRM, many thanks indeed.
I think this touch in therapy issue is like volatile, some people are SO against. I am so FOR. In my own work, I touch and hold people and hug people and I am very aware of its benefits. I am astonished that there is so much opposition to it for all the various reasons.

Well, I shall probably know by Friday evening, what my P thinks about it. It is agony knowing that he is probably concocting a reasonable case for NOT holding me. My previous T, my first one, said she would weep if he said no, as she knows from working with me, that I deepen in my revealing and disclosure, that I heal better, that I respond so well to the care of being held. oh well.

I can see touch being useful for those that want it/can bear it/would find it soothing or reassuring. It would send me running for the hills. I prefer them to stay far away from me.

I am totally in favor of touch in therapy and yearn for it with my new T. My oldT did shake hands and hug and pat on the shoulder. Actually, my current T always shakes my hand, coming and going and sometimes pats my shoulder.... so I guess I'm starting to want a hug too...yikes ... never thought I would say that. But I do feel that touch is something that should be discussed (beyond a handshake) and all parties should be on the same page with it. I was the one who brought it up to my oldT and made it clear to him that I was okay with a hug and that non-sexual contact was healing for me and comforting.

TN

Want T to give me a fatherly hug so badly. But don't want to ask. Want him to just see me as needing it and offer it from a place of connection. I doubt it will ever happen on its own though. T only seems to change when I directly suggest or cue him to.

I don't think my T and I have every touched. I would feel weird. I feel security in that boundary. But I do know it would feel nice to have that connection. Nice and shameful and painful kind of all mixed together. I want to be known and loved, through and through...but not by a T. By a person. Who can be there for me more than an hour a week. And so it goes.

Sorry to respond so late to your thread Sadly. I find the issue of touch kinda triggery, so I have to be careful reading, and haven't read this thread in entirety. It's hard because I long to be in the same room as T, let alone be touched in any way. I think that if my T hugged me, if that were possible it would be completely overwhelming, but of course I do long deeply for that, or some kind of contact. I hope you get your hug, but I hope even more that you can find the trust that you will need, if the answer is no, it is in your best interests- and not out of any cruelty on the part of your T. Many excellent therapists do not believe that touch is beneficial for every client, and must make a judgement call based on what is good for you and beneficial towards your growth- so if you want my advice, I would try to trust his reply, even if it is no, and talk about all the disappointing and sad and even rageful feelings it brings up, which would require more vulnerability from you. Just getting a hug may let you avoid all of those feelings. He sounds like an excellent and skilled P who you can trust, and I believe, based on what I know only from reading this board, of course, that his answer on this will be correct and for your benefit, as he knows you and what will help you grow.

I hope this helps a little bit...

BB

It's funny. I just identified (vaguely in person, detailed in an email I sent after last session) how his room makes me feel disconnected, evaluated and judged. I doubt he would ever come sit by me. I'm assuming the coffee table in the room between his office chair and the couches is a strategic placement: T | Client. Anyway, I identified a whole host of things that bother me about the room and make me feel less safe to be open, but made sure he knew there was no expectation for him to adjust anything (just for us to have a mutual awareness of it). I was thinking about how comforting it would be to have him near me (even a few feet away)...but also how terrifying! I'm not sure I could control myself. The closer he gets, the heavier the fear of rejection will feel. But, it is something I wish for, because I really don't see myself ever breaking down and showing him anything other than intellectual detachment or anxiety unless he is by my side. But, when I think of crying in front of him, I get a bit disgusted with myself. I've been with my husband 12.5 years (married almost 8) and he is the only person I can do the emotional thing with...and not even consistently with him either. How will I ever get there with T, with or without closeness and reassuring touch?

quote:

I would try to trust his reply, even if it is no, and talk about all the disappointing and sad and even rageful feelings it brings up, which would require more vulnerability from you. Just getting a hug may let you avoid all of those feelings. He sounds like an excellent and skilled P who you can trust, and I believe, based on what I know only from reading this board, of course, that his answer on this will be correct and for your benefit, as he knows you and what will help you grow.

Thanks all of you, and yes, BB - I think you have him sussed. And the process insightfully sussed.

I am aware that he would make a good judgement call on this one and it is very unlikely that it will involve holding me.
but I shall cope. I shall probably
1. throw my teddy at him
2. get very upset
3. rage at him
4. tell him why he is so wrong about this and attack his professional ability in very strong and cutting remarks
5. apologise for all of the above a few minutes later and burst into tears, yet again. (my god I should bring him bulk tissue boxes)

I am aware that I am angry at him
because I am scared
and I am scared
because he is getting in close under my defenses
and that means I feel my pain
and so I get angry
but then I feel he is far away from me because I am shouting at him
so I get scared and then
I hurt
so I get angry

and now and again I cry with sheer confused frustration.



ring any bells?

I think tomorrow will be one of those big sessions where we touch on all the things that deeply hurt and they are real and happening in the session, with me not hiding them. I trust him. Deeply. I don;t know why I do. I just feel he is safe and solid and kind and caring even though his face remains unperturbable (how do you spell that) most of the time.
I still like him even when he won't give me what I want - cos I know he has my best interests at heart. Dammit.

Initially I too, Stoppers, would run for the hills. And bizarrely if my P DID say yes to holding me (and don't hold your breath, this ain't going to happen this side of this millenium) I would be scared and take a long time to allow him to even sit next to me never mind put his arm on mine. LOL

TN - good to hear you come out in favour of touch.I told me EMDR t that I am going to organize a European Conference on 'The Therapeutic Benefits of Touch in Therapy' and she was all for it and said she would be the first to sign up. Very tempting.

I would like to think that one day LG - you can curl up in T2's arms and cry your heart out.

(I could do that with my EMDR T if I wanted to, I know she would not mind)

Yaku - I previously found it impossible to ask. I only got holding from the ex C by saying how much I wanted my first T. Eventually she asked why. I replied that it was because first T held me. then ex C said ' do you want me to hold you' and I leapt off the cliff - with a 'yes' and so she did. Gulp.

Firefly : your post triggered another thought for me. Yes, of course we deserve and want people to be there for us in normal life, we are human after all and social tribal animals. I realized that I don't tell my T about my father in law being in hospital and what is wrong with my son to cause him to be in hospital and my mother being ill right now and other things because
wait for it
he is not a close family friend, he is just a professional, so he does not deserve or merit knowing close family details
!!!!!!!!!**!
how weird is that.

thanks all of you for posting and don't worry about reading the beginning of this thread I was just therapeutically writing up my last two sessions with him, not really very interesting to others, more a journal recounting really.

Tomorrow lunch time I see him. I have a hunch that he will delay the discussion about holding. I am feeling very wide open so anything could happen tomorrow. I feel scared and also anticipatory - in that whatever he says it will be a deep session.

I have been learning from Dan Seigal and have just been offered a post learning from Paul Eckman, it is a shame I am going to have to decline. I am hoping that NEXT year I shall be better off in myself and can postphone this training til then. It is hard that some things in life have to be put on hold until these tidal feelings subside.

quote:

you can curl up in T2's arms and cry your heart out.

(I could do that with my EMDR T if I wanted to, I know she would not mind)

Sadly,

Forgive me if I'm overstepping here, but I noticed something interesting here. I find it curious that you have all of these posts about how much you need touch (you know I agree with it!) and how badly you wish your P would agree to it. You also have posted about how EMDR T would freely offer this to you and you have access to her. So, do you think there is something to the fact that you actually have access to exactly what you want, but won't accept it and are seeking it from one that you pretty much know is going to say no? Is it the female vs male issue or is it some way to make sure your need isn't met because you somehow feel you aren't deserving? I'm just curious and could be totally off base here. It just struck me that it seems like a situation where I could say that I'm starving for a hamburger and fries and there are two restaurants in front of me. One is for sure guaranteed to have the hamburger and fries that I so badly want and the other doesn't serve them yet I continue to go in there wanting the hamburger and fries. Maybe it's an issue of being scared to accept the hamburger and fries because it's too good to be true?