Thank you both of you. TN: Trickster is the man who bullied me until I fell apart 22 months ago.
I asked sweetP to ring and he did and he thinks I should come in and my husband is taking me and I feel embarrassed by this all already but I also know in my more adult self that I need to go and keep my appointment, no matter how small and frightened I feel.
So thank you both, thanks DF - I shall head off now over the hills with my dear husband and try to be honest in this session, I just don't want sweetP to see me like this, all small and frightned and not really making sense and hurting and all falling apart. but yes, I know too what you will say
you will say, that is JUST WHEN you need him to see you
sigh.
wish me luck.

TN: and DF - did you really post THAT early in the morning? My post times are 7 hours behind my actually time here in the UK.

((((sadly)))

thinking of you Sadly. Hope you are able to talk with sweet P and get some help today.

(((((Sadly)))))) Hugs and prayers for you this morning. About to start a phone session myself, but wanted to lend my support from afar!

oh god, it was quite awful.
What do you do when you cannot talk because your whole body is shaking and your heart is about to pound its way out of your chest? the slightest noise outside the room frightens you so much you want to hide under the table?
What do you do when your P is so kind and understanding and tries so hard to get you to talk, to tell him what you are going through and all you have in your head is fear and no words?
What do you do when after 90 minutes of this, you eventually after ten minutes of false starts say " I don; understand why you won't hold me?" and he says "We are both worn out and we should finish here and I know that will make you angry."
What do you do?
I don't know what to do.
I have written him a three page letter outlining that holding means an arm around my shoulder so I feel safe, sitting side by side and then I can talk. My friends suggested he might not know what I mean by holding. I shall post it tomorrow which means he might get it on Monday morning. Sigh.