Dear Geist,
I'm really sorry to read this - anyone would struggle with the loss of employment, but in your situation, where you really need financial independence and the ability to get support for yourself, it's a particularly discouraging and frustrating turn of events.
It is going to be tough to deal with your problems - but please don't try to rush yourself. This is going to take time to sort out. I suspect (but can't be sure) that the most helpful thing to do at the moment would be to focus on making your day-to-day bearable as much as you can, and working towards the goal of getting more intensive support. I'm not sure what that would involve for you, but it might mean taking care of basics such as eating, sleeping, exercise, it might mean reaching out regularly to a friend or friends you can trust, it might mean beginning babysteps with looking for a new job, it might mean continuing the work of finding supportive, safe communities and resources.
I guess whatever it is, it will involve a balance of self-care and thoughtful action towards getting yourself in a better place. It might be that, if you are feeling fragile at the moment, you just have to keep the focus on the basic self-care - sleeping well, eating well, talking gently to yourself, keeping some positive social contact. That's fine - if that's all you can manage right now, it doesn't mean you are going in circles, it means you just need to keep the basics running until you can gather strength. All of those things will help you gain strength. If you can manage more, great.
Geist, when I was around your age I had a couple of lesbian relationships that were really powerful and central to my life - I was lucky enough that one of them was tremendously healing, loving, supportive and lasted several years.
Sexuality and gender identity issues are different, though connected, but still I want to tell you this because of what I remember of those years of late teens to mid-twenties. At that time I had many friends who were in extremely difficult situations as they tried to reconcile their non-straight identities with their dependent situations. These days we tend to get a sense of sexual & gender identity well before we can be financially independent, and well before we can fully choose our social or working milieu, and often before we have enough world experience to be sure of our spiritual or religious beliefs. It is hellish to be in that situation, but in my experience it is absolutely true that it does get better once you get the building blocks of independence in place.
It sounds like you really need time and space to consider your own experience of your identity - to sit with what feels okay for you, to find that voice that you need. That time will come, even if it doesn't come all at once. Don't give up hope - just keep looking for ways to improve the day-to-day.
Do you journal? If you can find a way to journal, maybe that will help you get a sense of that private mental space you need. But of course, please, be *very* careful about security on the journal, for obvious reasons.
You may also wish to check out the Trevor Project, which has a hotline and chat messaging for young people who are struggling with these issues - including those who are questioning without knowing where it will end up.
Take care, Geist. Keep talking.
Jones
