Meghan, I'm glad you posted about how you are doing. I understand how you feel. Last summer when my T abandoned me suddenly I felt the same way. I would cry and cry so much and still do. But in the beginning I cried so much I would ask myself how was it possible to still have tears left inside of me.

I'm glad reading the posts has been helpful to you. What happened when you went to see your P? Was he able to help you in any way?

You have been through a trauma and of course you are sad and crying. That is normal. I know you said you have an appointment with your T... when is that? I ask because I think you need a T to help you process the feelings and emotions you are having over this horrible situation with your T. This is a very difficult thing to process alone.

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

TN

Thanks TN,

The tears keep coming - I didn't know there could be so many. I saw my P last week. That helped a bunch. P was shocked about the situation. Offered sympathy, compassion and other referrals. P's pure shock and anger at the situation helped me to feel a bit better. But I can't get myself to contact other T's. It seems like so much work.

My appointment with old T is in 2 weeks. I have no idea what to say.

Mostly it's the secret grief. I feel sad all the time. But I'm too ashamed to tell my friends what I'm upset about. I'm too embarrassed to admit how much T hurt me. It's a secret pain - which eats at me. And reminds me of previous trauma.

M

Meghan that is what makes the grief over losing a T so much more harmful and hard to bear... we cannot talk about it (except here) with others because they just do not get it. I felt like there was a horrible shocking death when I lost my T but no one died. I had no grave to visit to bring flowers or to sit and talk to the person. There was no cermony or ritual to bury the dead and no one invited me for dinner or called to see how I was doing (except my sister and a close friend who is also in therapy).

It truly is a very secret pain that tear you apart inside and for me brought flashbacks, terrible nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety and depression.

I know it seems impossible to contact other Ts. Take it in small steps. Look up names one day. Make a list of what you want in a T. Then call one each day and have a phone interview. Write down some questions so you can take notes of their responses. Try to find a good match before you go in for an appointment and have to pay them. Most Ts will give you 10 minutes on the phone at no charge.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this pain. I know how hellish it feels.

Hugs to you
TN

Meghan, so sorry you are going through this. I am very glad that your P is responding with shock and support, you so need that right now.

I am sorry you are crying so much but that is what it is often like with this grieving/loss. I can only say that I felt like giving you a warm and caring safe hug and that I feel for you in this hard time.

I realized today that for months I found Wednesday lunchtimes difficult as that is when I used to go and see my ex C. but now, I notice that I don't even seem to be aware it IS Wednesday lunchtime and both my T and P are so much better than the C who terminated me.

So there is hope at the end of the tunnel, but it is indeed a terrible tunnel to go down.

Meghan ~ welcome, so glad you are here. I first posted here when I was trying to battle the deep grief of stuff with my old T. It is something that I felt was so secret, that no one could possibly understand... Friends knew I was a little sad, but not how much or why. Then I bumped into this place...

Yeah, I have those days too where the tears won't seem to end, especially when I was struggling with my old T and things were ending. I would try so hard to stop the tears and wake up with puffy eyes anyhow. The sadness felt endless and the pain was tremedous. It felt like it stirred up grief I had no idea was even there or possible to feel about trauma. Being alone in the pain is really hard.

If it helps, you can try sharing too about what happened, if it would help and when you are ready. Sometimes just being heard can help too. (And knowing others have made it through it and on to better places - like Sadly and TN themselves! ) I hope you end up with a T that is a much better fit and is able to walk with you further towards healing.

No matter what, please know, you are so not alone in what you are facing and going through right now.

Finding a new T was one of the hardest things for me. The whole process of starting a new relationship felt terribly daunting and impossible. Yet also helped immensely once I started the first few steps. The first couple of Ts I contacted were not the right fit, Ts I just couldn't bring myself to go back and see a second time. I was so down and discouraged, I almost gave up entirely. Out of frustration more than anything, I tried one more and I finally clicked with someone - I found some relief and hope in the midst of the pain when I found someone I could go back and see a second time... (That was all I could imagine doing back then. I've been seeing them for about 11 months now.) TN's idea of taking things one small step at a time is a good one. Even if all you do is just hang on to those names and numbers right now until you are ready to take on to the next step. I'm glad you have your P and they are supportive of you.

hugs,
~jane

i am sorry you are hurting so bad. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to have a T actually terminate you. I'm so sorry. I hope you will be strong, and find someone who can help you heal.

BB

(((((Meghan)))))

I'm glad you found this site Meghan, it has been hugely helpful to me in learning that I'm not alone, and there are people out there - even if in cyberspace - that get me, understand me, don't make me feel bad for what I'm feeling. The comfort I didn't get as a kid and the support I don't get from friends comes from here.

(((((Meghan)))))) I don't have wisdom on this topic, but I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know how much it scares me and would hurt. I hope you know everyone is here for you and are able to take comfort from the stories of those who have been through this experience.

thank you guys for your kind words. trying to get through one day at a time.

((((Meghan))))
just wanted to say hi and that i was just thinking of you. hope you are doing well.