That's what happened with my other T. She told me a lot about herself. This lead me to feel that we had more then a therapeutic relationship.

You want to cheer him up? I feel that is not your job as a client or as your son's parent. I understand wanting to be more to your T than a client but that is dangerous territory. ON the poll I couldn't choose either because they seem too cut and dry to be helpful.

The best way I know how to help with thinking of your shrink constantly is to talk as honestly about it with him as you can. This seems to help lessen the intensity.

I like your ID.

quote:

He helped start this problem by telling us much about his personal life.

Hi Shrink Rapt and welcome to the forums. Based on the above quote I have a few questions for you. Is he disclosing his personal life because he believes it helpful for your son or for you to deal with your son? You said he is telling "us." Are you going to sessions with your son, or is he talking to you before or after sessions? My concern is that a psychiatrist or therapist should only self-disclose if he believes it is in the patient's best interest. If he is talking about his personal life for any other purpose than he is violating boundaries and making your son's therapy about his needs instead of your son's. And if he's willing to do that, he's a prime candidate for exploiting any feelings you have for him and using them to gratify his needs and desires and not yours.

I'm not quite sure what to tell you without knowing more details. But I would recommend reading Shrinklady's article on Transference. There are also two threads in the forum, Update on Transference and Transference II Those threads contain a lot of good discussions as well as links to a lot of other good reading and info on transference.

Feel free to talk more about what's going on and ask more questions.

AG

Thank You to the two people who responded.I can give a little more info. I don't feel the psychiatrist was telling us his personal info to help us in any way.I think he liked us and just wanted to talk about "things".sometimes we would discuss politics too.He wouldn't spend too much time doing this,we would work with my son's problems of course. It's possibe he was trying to build rapport with my son and I , make himself look "cool". He used to teach Math in high schools before he went back to Medical School and I think he likes to just "talk"to kids about anything.He has a good sense of humor and seemed to care about our impression of him. I liked him.At some points,I do believe he was feeling countertransference towards us. He told us about his mother dying and his father's dementia. How he misses his sisters who live overseas,etc,etc.One really strange thing he did to my son in the begining of his therapy is something I would appreciate some feedback on.He really did this- He pinned by 13 year old son up against a wall and was insisting that my son hug him. He was trying to break down a barrier I believe. I was sitting there on the couch and thought it was little bizarre but it was kind of amusing to watch.He kept saying, "C'mon Chris,give me a hug", just do it.I thought it might be some kind of therapy technique to break down my son's resistance,I didnt' know. My son refused to hug him and then called the Dr. a pedophile!The Dr. asked my son if he really thought that he was getting sexual gratification from this?My son probably didn't even know what the words really meant.He assured my son that wasn't the case.I did think it was a "different" tecnique but I allowed it to happen.It all contributed to my overall intrigue with this man. He was so unusual yet interesting.My son did like him and thnk he was funny and eventually they did have rapport.I found him to be engaging and caring, yet in a different way.Before long, I was in love with him. I loved talking about him, I admit.I used to pay my son to attend therapy because I thought he could help us and because I really wanted the interaction with him.I wish he would exploit the feelings I have for him.LOL!Makes for good memories when I am old. I also think we would really make a good match.I know he is single.But, alas, we don't see him anymore because he left our health network but we do correspond via email but infrequently.I do have a boyfriend and a good sex life with him but I still fantsize about the DR.I keep thinking, what if?I know i need help,that is why I am here. Keep writing to me everyone, thanks for your help. Do you think I should be so bold as to ask him out to lunch since we are no longer his patients?Let me know what you think ,I am risking rejection.Thanks again, SHRINK Rapt!

I'd be a little leary myself. How long has he not been your son's T?

My son's former T is a female, and while I don't want to sleep with her, I really, really want her to be my friend. I have a hard time NOT thinking about it. I see her around town and my son's school and every time I do, the feelings come flooding back. It's been about 2 months since she stopped seeing us.

There are rules that a T can't have a relationship with a client for 2 years. For my T, this includes family members, since she saw me with my son and worked on family issues.

My advice? I think you should read up on transference and attachment and see if you think it fits. While I'm not sure transference fits with me and my son's T, I'm sure I have attachment issues. While I really want to pursue a friendship with her, rules or not, I'm trying to work through my attachment issues first so I don't make a complete fool of myself. And, yes, I wish she would blow off the rules and pursue a friendship with me - she knows that's what I want.

Do you have a T of your own that you can talk to about it?

OW

Hi Shrink-Rapt and welcome. I just wanted to add here that while there is a two year wait for an outside relationship in the case of a psychologist for a Psychiatrist there is never to be an outside relationship according to the rules of the APA which governs them. So I am sorry to tell you that lunch or anything outside of an appointment would be impossible as he could lose his license.

I wish you the best in working through this transference. I know how hard it can be. Perhaps talking about it here will help you.

TN

Hi Shrink-rapt,

As much as we all struggle with feeling like we want more out of these relationships (and I've definitely struggled, still am)to have them gratified is almost always very damaging for the client. I provided a link below to an article about boundaries on Kenneth Pope's website. There are a lot of articles on boundary issues, especially about damage to the client. Some are very technical but there are also some that are pretty accessible for the lay reader. They might be helpful.

Boundaries in Clinical Practice

But as TN said, please keep coming here and talking about how you feel, we definitely understand what you're going through.

AG

Hi Summer,
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you've decided to post! If it makes you feel any better about privacy, I make it a point to periodically google myself and look for any links I don't want out there. I post alot and I've never found a link back to Myshrink.

I definitely understand your concern, its not unreasonable to worry about someone's health when they're in their 70s. And there are some things about therapy which are VERY unnatural. Its a unique kind of relationship unlike any other that you have.

And you should definitely bring up these feelings with your T. How we react to these issues with our Ts is often a very accurate reflection of what we do in "real" life. Or to quote my T, "EVERYTHING eventually comes up in therapy." I have experienced a very intense transference with my T (both paternal and erotic, thankfully those occur at separate times) and most of my work in therapy for the last two years has been talking to him about how I feel about him or how I'm reacting to things he does. It almost invariably leads to an issue in my past that I need to resolve. So if you are fearing losing him, its a really good thing to talk to him about.

And as for waiting for him to bring stuff up, most therapists won't. There's a few reasons I can think of. 1) What you chose to talk about or NOT talk about can provide insight into your unconscious processes which is what you're there to illuminate 2)Therapy should be exclusively about your needs, and that includes what you want to talk about, not what your T wants to talk about. 3) We often were not able to control how things went as children, so part of therapy is that you get to control things, including what's talked about.

WHATEVER you want to talk about is important no matter how silly it may feel to you. Another part of therapy is that it is a place where ALL of your thoughts and feelings should be welcome and listened to. So fire away. I have found that my progress tends to be directly related to me being as honest as I am capable of at any given time. Which often means going in and saying things I'm terrified to say. Walking into that fear is how we can experience a different reaction then we may have gotten in the past so we can learn that moving towards someone and being open with our thoughts and feelings is actually a good thing.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you! I hope you find this a good place to be.

AG

From AG's link:

quote:

Does the patient's role have a boundary? Spruiell (17) has noted that although the frame is deliberately unbalanced, the patient invariably joins the analyst in elaborating the frame. Most clinicians would agree, basing this answer on recollected violations they have witnessed, such as the patient who refers to the therapist as "Shrinkie" or springs from the chair and tries without warning to sit on the therapist's lap.

Okay. That's the point where I lol'd. Clearly, both bad ideas. *ponders CalmT or Tfella's reaction to "Shrinkie"* *giggles*

quote:

It would have made it too difficult to focus on my work once I returned, if students started asking questions about my personal life. I wasn’t totally cold about it – very much enjoyed having a student come up and hug me to welcome me back, saying they missed me. (elementary school age) That sort of reaction is fine, just didn’t want to talk about what had happened.

Summer

Welcome - glad to have you here.

Same situation here. And it seems so obvious and yet so painful to me. While I feel very close to my students, it is inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to share my personal life with them. So why is it so hard for me to understand why my T wants the same? My time at school is a break for me from all my troubles. It is a wonderful distraction that helps to get me through the day.

Of course our T's deal with many unhappy people each day, which could trigger issues for them, but I like to believe that what they do with us gives them a break also from their personal lives. Understanding this does not make it any easier for me to deal with, or think that it is "fair." After all, I have opened myself up so much to this woman and shouldn't I expect her to do the same? No! As she has explained to me, if we were to meet for coffee and talk about our lives, then we would not have the same relationship we have in therapy. And she is right. I have told her things that I have never told anyone and would be so embarrassed to tell a friend.

I completely understand your fears of losing your T. Most of us are where we are because we are grieving a loss of some sort. Who could add another major loss to that? AG is right though. These are the things you need to tell your T and it may be the hardest thing you have ever done. I have told my T so much, but there is so much more that I have not mustered up the courage to say. And, it all relates to how I deal with relationships in my life. Dealing with a bunch of little kids and there issues is soooo...... much easier than dealing with my own fears.

Welcome again, and I hope to see more of your posting.

PL

quote:

such as the patient who refers to the therapist as "Shrinkie"

Thanks for highlighting this quote Wynne! I THINK I JUST FOUND A NEW NICKNAME FOR MY T!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

-CT

Hi Summer,

I just wanted to point you towards an old post of mine that was a epiphany one day while I was struggling with why the boundaries in therapy are what they are. Hope this helps.

Boundaries, I finally think I get 'em!

AG