Okay, so I have major transference issues going on with my T. I've been aware of it since it began, so I'm not caught off guard by it. To put it in plain English, I wish she were my mom. I had a mom who was alright, as far as moms go. She was quite defended, and not incredibly nurturing, but it was alright, not as bad as some stories I hear. Nevertheless, I have spent my entire teenage and adult life looking for a "mom" to rescue me.

Then, I started seeing this T. She is caring, respectful, nurturing, and mothering to me. She has clear boundaries and has never crossed the T client relationship boundaries. Even though I know that she has a real life with real problems, she has never revealed this to me. She is everything I've ever wanted in a mom. (And, I think she has some countertransference mothering stuff going on with me, too, yet she continues to maintain boundaries, and approaches the therapy in a mindful, aware manner.) I am safe within the bounds of therapy to explore this fantasy of mine, and to dig into it and try to understand it.

It is very painful, let me tell you. The whole thing is painful. The transference, along with the desire, yearning, constantly thinking of her, is painful. I become very depressed, and in my depression, I think about her, and how she could somehow fix it. I feel so lonely, and think about her and how I wish she could be here with me. And I know that she can't, because of the boundaries of the relationship. God, that's so painful. The consumption of so much of my life with thoughts of this person is painful. But what is the most painful is digging into it and trying to understand it.

So, for some bizarre reason, I decided that I was going to try to minimize the transference and sort of deflate her to her actual size in my life. I thought about it for a couple of days, and I talked with her about it a little bit. (I actually told her that I wished she were my mom. I had never told her before. When I asked her if she already knew, she said, "Yes, you're actually quite transparent." She said she's not at all scared off by it, which was a relief to me.) So, I tried for a couple of days to minimize the transference. It was working! I wasn't feeling as if I needed her so much!

Then, I felt this huge pit of need, his huge hole in me, and I thought, "Now, what? I guess I need to fill it myself." But, I didn't feel ready for that. It scared me. I'm not strong enough yet. I'm not stable enough yet. I started frantically trying to figure out how I was going to get another person to fill this hole. Someone, anyone, healthy or not, I didn't care. I just needed the hole filled. (This all happened over the past few days.)

Then, I realized that that's what I've been doing all my life. I've been going from one bad relationship to another trying to get the hole filled, and now, I was willing to do it again.

But I'm not. I'm not willing to get into another unhealthy relationship in an attempt to meet these never-ending needs. I'm not strong enough to take care of it myself---yet.

So, Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's back to transference I go.

If I can work this through with my T in this safe environment, then, maybe I can bring it out into the real world, and feel whole on my own right, and I'm okay with that. But, until then, I wish she were my mom.