Thanks, Pengs. I have discussed some of my feelings with my T, so he is aware of the transference. I plan on bringing up attachment issues in our session tomorrow; should be an interesting conversation. (I credit my clarity on the issue to Attachment Girl's blog. It was she who helped me understand what I was feeling and gave me the words to express it.)

The problem is, any time either of us bring up these feelings for discussion in session, I end up terribly rattled--as in, never so badly have I wanted to disappear from the planet. In some ways, the process is therapeutic because it deepens the trust between us. But it also increases the intensity of my emotions for a couple of days after the session. And then there's the nagging fear that at some point my attachment will become too strong for one or both of us to manage and I'll end up being let go. Gah. Can't win for losing.

Hi Affinity,
Welcome to the forums! Glad to see you made it over here (and thank you for the kind words about my blog). I really hope you find the support here helpful.

quote:

The problem is, any time either of us bring up these feelings for discussion in session, I end up terribly rattled--as in, never so badly have I wanted to disappear from the planet. In some ways, the process is therapeutic because it deepens the trust between us. But it also increases the intensity of my emotions for a couple of days after the session. And then there's the nagging fear that at some point my attachment will become too strong for one or both of us to manage and I'll end up being let go. Gah. Can't win for losing.

When you chose to discuss your feelings about your therapist, you are moving closer to him, and making yourself vulnerable. All of your experience of doing that as a child tells you that it is a dangerous thing to do, to move closer to a caregiver. So though you may consciously know you are safe with him, on a more primitive level some part of you is screaming "DO NOT DO THIS! YOU WILL GET HURT!" This part of your brain wants you alive but could care less if you are happy or content.

This is the bind of healing from damage at the hands of the caregiver. The very thing you need to do, open up and move closer, is also what feels like absolutely the WRONG thing to do. Just keep talking about your feelings, including the fact that you're getting rattled and want to disappear. It eventually gets better (although I do want to be honest and say that it can still occasionally crop up when we do significant work in which I allow myself to become vulnerable in a new area, but I am much quicker to see it for what it is.) So recognize that you're scared and talk anyway. Easy right?

BN and I have often discussed that healing is quite simple, which does not make it easy.

AG

(((Pengs))) I'm sorry, I am always doing that to you. Just remember, you don't have to go any faster than you can, or do it all at once. The closer you move, the more strength you have to face the fear so it gets easier as it goes along.

AG

PS And I totally understand why you find it very hard. I am sorry about the pain you are in. You don't deserve it.

You're welcome Pengs. Thanks for being gracious instead of just telling me to shut up. Do you want to talk about why you found it difficult? Do you think it would help to discuss it?

Affinity, sorry for the hijack!

No worries, AG.

Thanks Affinity!! And I will add to Pengs request and say please join back in if anything resonates.

(((Pengs))) It's perfectly ok to be annoyed and angry with me. I assure you that my husband could sympathize. But seriously, thank you for your courage in saying how you felt about what I wrote. I can certainly understand being angry about it, especially if you felt like I was trying to tell you what your life was like.

It is your life, you know it better then I ever could and it is also possible that my explanation of the feelings are NOT true for you. Whether they are or not, you are more than entitled to take your time figuring it out and deciding what happened to you.

I think the fact that you are thinking through your memories and realizing that there are not a lot of conscious memories of the most important people in your life is important work. But it also sounds like you are not sure you understand the reason for that. Which, while other people may offer ideas, only you can figure out your narrative and what it means to you.

I do understand feeling like the bad things happened to someone else as I have felt that way. I dissociated a lot as a child and went to what I called the gray place so as to not be there when bad stuff was going on, so it didn't feel like it happened to me. I hasten to add that I say that to provide context for why I believe I felt that way, I am not saying that you felt that way for the same reasons.

From what you are saying of your memories, it seems you were more present when other children were around?

Thank you so much Pengs, I really do appreciate your honesty and know it was probably pretty scary to say this. And as far as internet transference goes, please trust me this is not even close to bad.

AG

Oh, Pengs. No reason to feel ashamed. This is hard stuff to work through, and just because something bad may have happened to you doesn't mean that you're bad. You're not.

I'm not sure if I disassociated or not as a kid. I just remember spending a whole lot of time lost in my own imagination. Any memories I have of being outside of that bubble are pretty painful. I was at a birthday party recently listening to people talk about how they went around pretending to be their favorite super heroes when they were kids, and I realized that I didn't have similar memories for myself. Everything back then was internal for me.

These days, I more or less have blackouts where I disappear into my head for minutes (or an hour) at a time and struggle to come back. Scary stuff, especially because it interferes with my work and other people notice when I'm "checked out." When I was a child/teen, I thought I could control when and where I went--not so much anymore. Which is one big reason I started therapy. It scares me to think about how much of my life I may have actually missed because I was trapped in Wonderland.

(((Affinity)))

I think it can be so painful to feel that attachment cry inside. Those feelings shifting from daughter/romantic/erotic I think might be our way of trying to understand such a dynamic - where does it fit? I can identify with all of that and the anxiety too.

I'm really dissociative. The world often seems far far away if I'm triggered and I watch another 'me' talking and being (sometimes with horror if she seems to be very little). Sometimes its more like dissappearing down a black hole (Alice in wonderland style).

Hold on in there,

SB