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transference at work

puppetpuppetMember
hi everyone,
i know i've been around even less than my usual checking in once in a while...

it is nice to see that the forum goes on as usual, i think sometimes i'm afraid i won't find it anymore... or maybe its more that ... nevermind, i think i will try to fight the 'i don't belong' feelings today and post anyway.

work is killing me at the moment. i feel like i have regressed massively and i am pretty much just a scared little child at work, i have totally lost my confidence (i cant even remember what it looks like). not that i am a very confident person to begin with, but the way i've been feeling lately doesn't seem to make sense. rationally, i know that i am not totally incompetent at work (in fact, there is even proof to say the opposite: i have been doing ok at a challenging job where i had to learn lots of new things and have received some good feedback so far). somehow, that doesnt seem to help much. i think the problem is that i am terrified and i am pretty much living in the past, swimming against some really strong emotional currents... and i am drowning, coming up for air once in a while to barely survive.

i haven't felt such strong 'transference' (i think it is) at work in a long time. since my first job actually - which i quit about 4 years ago. i stayed for 5 years though (too long), but at the time i didnt even know that i could quit. took me a whole year to come up with the courage to quit. this time, i told myself i will quit within 3 months (so that it looks better on my cv that i stayed for a while rather than quit after a few days/ weeks). also, cant afford to be unemployed right now.

just wondering if anyone else experiences strong transference feelings at work (or with other people in their life apart from their T) and how they deal with it. i'm wondering if for me it's so intense right now because when i started this job i didn't know if i could continue with my T. i saw her a week ago and she agreed to see me once a month (but i have to take time off work to be able to see her, and its not easy because its a very demanding job where everything seems to come second). somehow, i got sucked in and i'm giving in to all their demands and seem to put everything else second too. i feel too weak to fight it. i'm wondering if its because i dont see my T regularly and now my employers have become my 'attachment figures' (but bad ones) and thats why i give in to all their demands. i am a people pleaser anyway, so my behaviour might have been the same under better circumstances.

feel free to share your experiences - dont worry about trying to give advice, i dont think i could follow it anyway. what keeps me going right now, is knowing i have an appointment with my T in 4 weeks time. and then we can schedule another one in another month. i try to find comfort in that, although i still dont fully trust her and i keep thinking she'll change her mind. i spent most of our last session questioning her professional abilities and intentions.

thanks for reading.

puppet
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
quote:
i'm wondering if its because i dont see my T regularly and now my employers have become my 'attachment figures' (but bad ones) and thats why i give in to all their demands. i am a people pleaser anyway, so my behaviour might have been the same under better circumstances.


This kind of resonated with me. I did have one boss who gave me horrible mom-transference, because she was pretty much a work-abuser. I was lucky that everyone at my job except her and her boss and one other guy felt the same way about her, so I wasn't alone in it, at least. Plus, her boss really liked me, so she couldn't really have said too much bad about me. However, I just applied to go under her boss for a new job, because I also cannot afford to be home right now (AHH, don't want to leave Boo) and they didn't even call me for an interview, which could be a lot of reasons, but I think my confronting of her (took all my courage to do it) and complaint to HR about how I ended up having to leave during my maternity might have really burned bridges. Anyway, that's all to say that I do kind of understand where you're at. I'm sorry that you can't afford to just walk out and get yourself into a healthier position. It sounds like that is what you would like to do if finances are better. Maybe this is a good opportunity to work with T on changing a pattern of how you deal with these sorts of people? I don't know. I'm sorry you have to wait so long to talk to T. That's really hard. A month is a long time to wait. Would it be possible for your T to do some phone sessions with you in between? I've found that when I'm destabilized, those can keep me going, despite being "inferior" to seeing my T in person. Is that not financially doable or maybe won't work with either of your schedules? I know you said not to try to give advice and it's totally cool to completely ignore this part. I just am bummed to see you floating for a month between sessions. Frowner
puppetpuppetMember
yaku,
thank you for your reply and understanding. sorry, i didn't mean to say that advice won't be appreciated or accepted, just that i would suck at even considering to follow it right now as i've been feeling pretty useless and powerless.
i'm also sorry to hear you've been in a similar position, but it sounds like you stood up for your self, i really admire that.
i'm not sure if phone sessions are a possibility, havent discussed it with her and i'm not very good on the phone either. but maybe it is good to consider other possibilities which will help. at the moment, i find that i'm journaling and having these 'conversations' with her in my head.
yes, there will come a time when i will have to stand up for myself and say no (i.e. quit), i hope i will feel stronger soon so that i can at least start to imagine that and prepare for that. that time might have to come sooner if i find that i'm completely falling apart... i think i have to listen to my body too, last time i ignored the signs for way too long.

thank you for thinking of me. i am lucky to have the once a month sessions, i would have been at a complete loss if i didnt' have that.

puppet
puppetpuppetMember
yaku,
by the way, i dont know if you remember - but i solved the missing tissues mystery! i asked her why there aren't any tissues in the room and she said that she has tissues and will give me some if need them. although, i think she said something about asking, like if i'm feeling teary i can ask for some. whatever!! i'm more likely to either hold it all in or burst into tears and not be able to articulate anything never mind ASK for something! it was better than what i was worried about though (that she doesn't like people crying) and i also almost smiled when i imagined myself with snot and tears running down my face but refusing to ASK for a tissue Wink!
anyway, i just remembered and thought you might want to know too
puppet
blackbirdblackbirdMember
awww, Puppet...it is good so good to see you. I am so sorry you are hurting. Yes puppet- I relate very much to the transference sort of feelings in everyday life. It makes it very difficult at times to function, that we should desire love and acceptance so much, from ordinary people who cannot possibly understand our situation or offer what we need...total acceptance and affirmation and care, from whom we encounter in everyday life and especially authority figures..it hurts really badly. I understand that. (((((Puppet))))

Good for you, continuing in your job despite the great emotional challenge you face- you should feel proud of yourself, because it is no easy for you, and you do it anyway, and very well!

How hard it is Puppet, to go a month between sessions...I feel very much for you! I did start out that way, myself, and only on the phone as well, and had to pay 125.00 to talk for 50 minutes on the phone to him...that hurt so badly! I am sorry you find yourself in such a painful similar situation. But, it is good that you have some hope to talk to T that way, AND SLOWLY, IT WILL GET BETTER...KEEP YOUR JOB, AND KEEP POSTING HERE, AND KEEP GOING TO YOUR SESSIONS...THAT IS THE BEST, IN MY BELIEF. Oh sorry for the advice, but I had to offer it. Big Grin I got a "caps lock," somehow when I wrote that, without even at all meaning to....but I will keep it there, since it showed up without me meaning to!

Love, hugs, so nice to see you-

BB
yakusokuyakusokuMember
puppet - I am horrible on the phone and refused a phone session a few times before finally giving in, because my T is just not in my area, available to SEE me, except Monday and Tuesday. And you know what? I actually find it a bit easier than in person. I took me a couple of sessions to get the hang of it, but even when I go silent, because of pain, I don't find it hard or awkward to be on the phone with him like that. I hear him "listening for" me and although I struggle to connect at that other level, it really is a life-saver making it through my week. It couldn't hurt to ask to try one as a bridge.

Also, I was not brave at all, really. The first time I confronted this woman, I only did so after three months of working at an unknown paygrade after a promotion. They ended up paying me much less than I expected to get and I did nothing. The second time I confronted her, I was already out on maternity leave and could choose to either ask for extra time to find childcare I could not afford (her boss had told me I could work from home part-time or cut down hours, but was wrong or she didn't want me to) or I could quit. So, I quit and basically shot myself in the foot...but oh well. It felt good to not be underneath someone so mean.

That is hilarious and odd about the tissues. I would probably just stock my own tissues. I cannot even ask for little things. One time, my hands and feet were freezing in session and T kept asking ME if I wanted the heater on (he has a little heater in the room, since the building is all on one level). I kept saying, "No, that's OK," and he had to walk through why I was saying no, what discomfort level I was at, how much him doing that for me might increase my comfort and then finally say, "Well, I'd like to turn it on for you, then...OK?" before I would let myself receive his act of care. Ridiculous...
puppetpuppetMember
BB, it is lovely to see you too! and thank you so much for your encouraging words. and your caps come on at a very good time, i like that.
yes, it is very hard because no-one knows how hard it really is to even just show up at work and say hello to my co-workers without feeling like the lowest scum on earth, never mind actually do my work and keep up with their crazy deadlines. i am exhausted, physically and emotionally, most of all by my desperate and compulsive attempts to keep up with their demands and please my bosses, when in fact i absolutely loathe this job, especially the fact that its not allowing me to see my T on a regular basis. i seem to be going against myself by doing this, but i think its some survival instinct that keeps me doing it.
thank you for saying i should be proud of myself - this is so far away from what i've been feeling but maybe i should give it a go Wink

yes, a month is hard, isnt it? but i am lucky i get to see her in person. did you find it that the attachment was stronger when you only had the session once a month? it is strange because for me it has become more intense and i would have thought it would be the opposite.

yaku,
thank you for sharing how the phone sessions weren't as bad as you originally thought. the idea of it sounds pretty scary but i suppose there can be some benefits too. i dont think i can ask for that at this stage, but i will keep it in mind as a back up plan for the future.
and about your vile ex-boss, i am pretty sure you were brave, she sounds scary and you had to confront her more than once, you did well standing up for yourself! i know the end result wasnt ideal, but still, you stood up for yourself and they cant take that away from you.

yes, why do T's have to make everything so damn difficult (and a therapy lesson)!? it sounds kinda sweet though, how your T kept pressing on about the heater, trying to get you to accept his care. but i know how difficult it is too...

hugs,
puppet

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