About,
I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt about my feelings for my therapist (for the full story see, The Beginning Part I and The Beginning Part II). Someone actually posted a comment once on my blog asking if my feelings bothered my husband and didn't I feel guilty? This was my response, which I am hoping might help you:

quote:

I can certainly understand you being upset and feeling like it is wrong for me to have such intense feelings about my therapist as a married woman. I understand because I have very much struggled with that issue. In fact, when I first started to realize that these feelings were developing, my first instinct was to quit therapy. I take my marriage vows and fidelity to my husband very seriously. I sought out an older woman whose wisdom I trust and who shares my faith and values to ask for advice. In the end, my understanding has been that so many of my feelings for my therapist are really about the unmet needs of my childhood. Since he is an ethical therapist and will not allow any of these feelings to be acted on, a fact of which my husband is well aware, this is a safe place to explore those feelings and understand my motivations without risking breaking my vows or being unfaithful to my husband. Sometimes I am sure it hasn’t been easy for him, but we are very committed to each other and he trusts my therapist as well as me. My therapist’s importance in my life is also much more related to providing a paternal figure on whom I can rely for security and support, as opposed the more full, romantic relationship I have with my husband. Last but not least, being able to work through these issues has helped me to conquer both my conscious and unconscious fears of intimacy and one of the results is that my relationship with my husband is closer and stronger than it has ever been (we just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary).

We do not control our feelings, they just are. It is how we act upon them which defines our character. Having a safe place to explore and understand the feelings I was having was key to my healing. In talking about it here, I hope to help other people dealing with similar problems. So I am grateful for both my ethical therapist and a husband who understood that these feelings were not a threat to him. Thanks for saying what you did though, as I am sure you are not the only one who has thought that in reading my blog and I know it can be scary to speak up this way, I appreciate your candor.

As for the intensity of the feelings, I believe its because the setup of therapy (an attuned, stronger, wiser other is making the relationship all about your needs and helping you develop and learn who you are) evokes our unmet childhood needs. Those needs were a matter of life and death when they first occurred (we MUST stay close to our parents to survive) so when they are evoked in therapy, they are raw and unprocessed and bring with them the same sense that our life in on the line.

When dealing with our SO, it's much more about being in our adult self, and it being a reciprocal relationship, this does not bear the same resonance to our past I believe (although certainly these dynamics can play out there). But because our SO is also trying to get their needs met and sometimes expect us to take care of them, it doesn't promise AS strongly to met those long unmet needs.

I know in the end, being able to safely face and explore all of my feelings for my therapist, has allowed me to learn to have much more intimate, close relationships where I can risk being vulnerable. It's had an amazing effect on my marriage.

AG

Hi About,
I was just scanning through some posts as I recently came back to the website and this one caught my eye b/c I just talked (well texted, I am too ashamed to do it in person) about something very similar with my T. I thought I could share what she said to me and maybe it will be helpful to you.

I let my T know that I feel that the attachment (I hate that word too) I am feeling toward her is wrong. It's very intense and the more I share with her that nobody else knows, the more intense it becomes. I shared with her that I am sure it is unhealthy to have that type of attachment to her (Like you, I don't even have that type toward my DH). This is what she said:

"Being attached or connected to me is not unhealthy....becoming and staying completely dependent on me would be unhealthy. Feeling more attached when you need a lot of support is normal. And we'll always have a connection b/c we are on a journey together, but you will not always feel as strong of a need to connect with me as much as you do during rougher, more intense times as you continue to heal and learn to process things in a healthier way. Does that make sense?"

This is what I said in return " Yes, makes sense but is what I was afraid of. I was very dependant on old T. Bc she was the only one who knew the inner parts and struggles that I never shared with anyone else. Just like I'm doing with you now. Pretty soon she was the only one I could talk to, depend on, process things with. I became extremely dependent and attached to her. I shared this with her once and that it was bothering me. She didn't seem to worried and said it would fade, but it didn't; So I know it's something that is wrong with me. I know the same will happen with you so I'm thinking I should just stop now before it gets even more intense.

T said "You have to risk being close enough to someone to work through things with, understanding that you will not have that need once you have shared everything you need to work through. You did not work through everything with old T. It will be like putting all those things in a container that you feel safe enough to put them in, but once you're done you won't feel the need to keep returning to the container, but you know it is safe and you can always go back to check in if you want. I am in for the long haul if you are. Like I said there will always be a connection, an attachment, but the need and intensity will not always be what it is now."

So basically, as I understand it, I have to just trust that it is ok to feel that attached right now and that it will not always feel this way. The intensity of it scares me b/c ultimately I don't want to get hurt. Attachment really confuses me in general. The feeling of it, understanding it. It feels very foreign and wrong to me. But ultimately, what else can I do but trust her on this? I want so incredibly bad to get better. Getting hurt from the attachment would not be as bad as not getting better at all, for me.

Well, I hope this was a little helpful. I feel like I just babbled confususion.

Your very welcome Chezza. I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. Hugs to you

Hi
I stumbled on a blog today that talked about attachment to your therapist. I can relate to what the blogger was explaining. I just can't seem to get past the longing for former T right now. I might actually talk to new T about some of this tomorrow.
I hope this blog helps in some way.
Here is the link...
http://blog.psytx.com/413/psyc...o-your-therapist-iv/

Thank you for all your replies. I will answer properly as soon as possible, I am currently packing to fly back to Europe for the Christmas holidays (in a few hours), so I can't focus on answering properly but: thank you, your answers are incredibly helpful!

Just wanted to wish you joyeux noël et bonne année, About. Safe journey home.

I also read the blog Athenicus mentioned. Everyone should read it! on the details of how the Transference dependency is sensitively worked out!!! It is by Dr. Jeffrey Smith and title is "Attachment to Your Therapist 1V"