Hi Liese

Thank you for helping me do this, my T said I didn’t accuse her so I’m glad she didn’t feel. Mmm I’m not sure she wants to work through it but she’s committed to staying with me. I’m not sure if I said this in one of my other posts but last week I said I felt she doesn’t like me; she asked if I meant ‘respect’– she avoided answering my observation – she doesn’t have to like me but at least show an interest in working with me? I also mentioned I sensed at times she was uncomfortable with me and again I didn’t get a straight answer. Today I told her I didn’t think she’s been honest with me as it shown in her body language. I said I spent majority of the time not looking at her and wondering what my body language was saying until I realised a month ago that it’s a two-way thing and I started to watch her, I saw lots of discomfort, she also snapped at me. When I discussed this with her she didn’t feel the same as I saw it so I’m blooming confused now. I also said to her she’s quite controlled on what she says but her body language gives her away.

As to your question ‘’Do you think that you need to know how she feels about you? If she cares about you, etc.?’’ Yes very much so. I do wonder if I am reading into this all wrong, whether the problems lies with me and not her or both. I’ve been 99% honest with her the 1% I soon rectified. I don’t want to waste my energy on someone I can’t have, I’m getting on and would like to move my counseling process into an open/honest course to allow me to make at least some sense of my problems to enable me to move on.

One confused gal, Chezza

Chezza,

Chezza

quote:

One confused gal, Chezza

Who can blame you? You are asking for what you need and she is giving you the right answer verbally but it's still not sitting right with you. It doesn't sound like she's reaching you on an emotional level.

You deserve a lot of credit for not invalidating your own feelings. Even if she is being honest with you about herself, it seems clear that there is just something you are not comfortable with, whether it's her style of working or her personality. I would probably invalidate myself if I were in your shoes and did so when I ran into the same problem with my T. He couldn't see how he was contributing to what was going on until things came to crisis proportions. Sometimes they have blind spots too.

Have you thought about a consult just to get a feel for another T and a professional perspective on the issue?

To be honest with you Liese I’m confused and feeling quite vulnerable right now. I am trying to be positive but my gut feeling is telling me something else. Although my T was ‘nice’ she wasn’t open to answering my questions… I just remembered she said something which was out of context; I was trying to work out what she meant before the subject changed? She said she’s going to say something I won’t like and said ‘it’s real’ or something like that? She also said we don’t appear to have connected and I said we haven’t, I have no connection with her but not be for the lack of trying on my part.
I am uncomfortable with my T mostly based on her attitude towards me sometimes and her body language is clearly saying ‘I’m not going to speak about that’ when I’ve broached the Transference problem for me. Today all she said was I can speak about anything I want!

At this stage I’m unsure where to go from here with my T, do I have to pick away at it or move on as I’m not prepared to make out nothing is wrong… On the other hand I don’t want to turn it into a crisis either?

I have thought about consulting another counselor but feels it is dishonorable and I wouldn’t be able to keep it from my T which would probably make her question my commitment! O I don’t know, I guess I better get off to bet and hope tomorrow brings a better day.

Hope your day is going well for you Liese

Thank you Chezza

Well I’ve been thinking about my dilemma all week and have attempted to see another T who responded with saying that “counselling brings up discomfort and can be uncomfortable as part of the process” and as I am already working with a T I should speak with her openly about whether she is the right person for me. I aim to take this advice. If I decide to end my counselling she would be available to meet with me which I thought was fair play. Although I don’t want to leave my T I’m not comfortable with her and she’s proven all along that she’s not receptive to being asked questions around my feelings; experience, observations of her towards me during counseling, it may not be so bad if she’d explain why she doesn’t wish to respond, at least I may understand?

Wish me luck, Chezza

Today I felt connected with my T for the first time as we spoke more open and honest with each other. The interesting thing is my T believes she answered all my questions yet I didn’t think she did! I feel hopeful this can be built on and for us to go on to deeper level work.

P.s This afternoon my 'In Session' by Deborah A. Lott book arrived and I've have been reading it for the last hour or so.

Chezza,
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have been seeing my T for about 1 1/2 yrs now. My experience with transference has only been about 6 months however. I too have a hard time expressing my feelings for my T with him. I did end up telling him how I felt, but we haven't talked about it much. He keeps asking me if I think that my feelings are going to be counterproductive with my therapy. I have debated on whether to just go ahead and ask for a new T, but I know that won't help my feelings for him.
Yesterday he canceled our appointment because he was ill, but it hurt so bad. I feel like my feelings are never gonna change for him and I am hopelessly attracted to him. Now I will have to wait another 2 weeks before I see him which seems so long.
Does anyone have any experience with getting a new T even though they are still attracted with their current T? Would it be a good idea to just switch T? I know some of you have dealt with these same questions. Or maybe I just really need to work on the reason behind the transference (issues I had in my childhood with my father). I just want to do the right thing for my own therapy. I don't want to run away from something if it can be fixed with hard work.
Thanks.

L

Hi Chezza,

I was without power for a while but I wanted to tell you that I think you are so brave to tackle this head on. I hope you enjoy the book. Let me know. Glad you had a good session with your T.

Hi Liese, It’s good to hear from you. Sorry you have been without power, I hope it wasn’t Hurricane Sandy’s fault and if it was I hope you and all those close to you are okay.

Thank you for your compliment about my being brave, I was just peed off with the ‘going nowhere’ in my therapy situation, last week really was the last straw for me had she not been ‘with me’ or open to discuss her not answering questions I would have moved on. On saying that I am now a loss on how to broach my ET issues without embarrassing myself and my T’s. I have taken her stuff on as she’s visibly shown she’s not comfortable with it. All I want to do is explore patterns understand them. I don’t have any emotional attachments like love or the need to be with her. I would rather reserve that stuff for another that is open to me not bang my head against a brick wall after something totally out of bounds. Any suggestions, you helped me last time?

As for the book, it’s good, I will finish it this evening but I’m unsure I want to share it with my T, as she’s turned down other books I’ve offered to loan her. Such as:

Between Therapist & Client: The New Relationship. Michael Kahn

The Impossibility of Sex: Stories of the Intimate Relationship Between Therapist and Patient. S ORBACH

The Art of Loving: Erich Fromm

Geez why does it have to be so bloody all consuming, I really want to understand my life’s negative patterns to enable me to draw from it to allow me more understanding and life enhancing path.

Perhaps I am asking too much.

Hope all is okay with you and life’s treating you good, especially your T?

Chezza

Chezza,

You could just be with the wrong T. (or maybe not) But the reason I say that is that it sounds to me like you are motivated, you are open, you are pushing, you are searching, learning, etc.

In Session is different because, as you can see, it's the ET from a client's perspective. The other books, I believe, were all from the therapists perspective. If you can sell it to her on that point, you might be successful.

The ET stuff could just simply be about unmet needs. We all feel attraction and desire for others. (Most of us?) It must be to get some basic need met. It's human. There is nothing pathological about it and maybe, therefore, there is nothing to understand? Just throwing that out there.

Maybe the pattern is why we are attracted to who we are attracted to. What power issues are involved? Are they emotionally unavailable? Do they seem superior to us in some way? IDK, again, just throwing it out there.

YOU ARE NOT ASKING TOO MUCH. And thanks for asking me about my T. He treats me very well.

Hi Lynne,

I don’t know about you but my ET started out of the blue, totally unexpected, it’s a real bittersweet experience. You’ve started the ball rolling by telling your T how you feel; I know that took some doing, good on you. Have you asked him if he’s dealt with Transference before and how he feels it could be counterproductive to your therapy? Ask him if he’s able to work through it with you and watch his body language! His response and actions might help you decide to stay or go? Read Liese’s posts on here, she’s managed to work through her initial setbacks and is very supportive and articulate with her responses. As you are thinking about changing your T you don’t have much to lose by asking him all those questions you need answered.

When my T went on holiday I initially took a sigh of relieve and took the opportunity to move on and get on with my life… It got bad again but a little respite was better than none. Knowing your T’s not around go pamper yourself, do those things you block yourself from doing when caught up in thinking about your him all the time, if you have the opportunity to go away for a few days go; as a change of scenery might help you to think more clearly, when I was away I barely thought of my T! This site I find useful. Have you read ‘In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists by Deborah Lott? Liese recommended it to me, you might find it very useful, and you may even want to share it with your T?

I contacted another T last week, she was very good and suggested I ask my T direct questions to see if she’s able to work with me and funnily enough before I did that her attitude towards me was different, perhaps she knew I was getting to that point? The other T said she would see me should I chose to leave my counselor, which felt like a good safety net for me and still does. Like you I want what is best for me and am not prepared to run away but we both have to know when to stop and move on to another T who you can check-out before agreeing to work with them if they can work on Transference with you?

I’m not sure if any of the above is useful Lynne, but I have found it useful hearing how others have felt and dealt with similar problems as ours.

All the best

Chezza

Hi Liese,

I agree my T may be the wrong one but I am willing to work with her and see how it goes. I am motivated, pushing, searching and open to learning etc. as long as I can work with and not ‘fight’ my T… I know it won’t be easy discussing personal unspoken issues but I don’t want to watch her squirm in the process. I may be able to cope with this if she openly said she’s not overly comfortable dealing with ET but is willing to work through it together.

My T is younger than me, a good looking heterosexual woman whose married (according to her wedding ring) and probably a mother to, I wouldn’t be so presumptuous to assume she would be in the slightest bit interested in me. I am a working class lesbian, we’re different. There’s no reason why we couldn’t work together.

In Sessions is a good compelling book, it certainly made me think about many issues including any unmet needs I may have but without a T to work though this with me I wouldn’t know. Relationship patterns - attraction and desire for others I have definite patterns that entails power issues of those ‘superior’ to me.

Thanks Liese, I will give your suggestions some thought and how I can put it to my T… I’ll take the book with me.

It’s so good to hear all is going well with you and your T. There’s been some life-changing hard work going on between you, it can only get better.

Chezza

Chezza,

Regardless of whether you stay with her or not, I have a feeling you will get there.

Hi Liese,

I think you’re right; I’m hungry to understand some of my profound life patterns which have probably been destructive in my past intimate relationships… I’m not looking to blame, just understand like most of us I guess in a safe, none threatening environment, which isn’t too much to ask unless the T has issues themselves then they should speak out and give us a chance to move on or work together – a learning process for both parties.

Have a good day, Chezza

Hi Liese

The egg has been cracked – I guess it has to be opened up now! My T. was excellent but I felt a dithering idiot and very uncomfortable I’m not looking forward to continuing with the discussion next time but I must if I am going to make any sense of my issues. Do you think I’ll look silly with a paper bag over my head, my cheeks felt like they were on fire long after I left my session! Is it easy to discuss ER transference NO is it worth it I hope so.

I mentioned the ‘In Session’ book with my T she asked what I thought of it or got out of It? I was unable to say, I sort of went blank. I said I had the book in my car if she’d like to loan, she did. I hope My T, others and I will benefit from the book.

Chezza

Chezza,
Thanks for your response. It does help to know that there are others out there with similar problems. I have never thought about asking my T if he has dealt with transference before. It might be a good question for him.
One thing that has helped me kind of forget my T for a bit has been going to group therapy. I am in a program that has several groups that focus on depression and getting better. It is so much different than the one on one therapy.
I have never read or heard of the ‘In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists by Deborah Lott. I will have to see if I can get it.
This transference has my head spinning most days. I hate being so attracted to someone that you know will never have the same feelings back to you. At times it truly feels like my heart is being ripped out. I sometimes think that if I weren't to see my T anymore that these feelings will slowly die down and one day disappear. Maybe a new T will just help. Yet I'd like to work out this transference because it could easily happen again if I don't address the reason behind it. I hate the idea of not seeing my T though that is why I am reluctant to just ask for a new T.
As far as having a getaway, it can't happen in the near future due to my schedule. But I think it is a good idea. It has worked in the past. I have just left town for a couple of days in a hotel, and I don't think about him. I focus on how much fun my family and I are having.

Thanks,
Lynne

Hi Lynne

Glad I could be of some use for you, you’re right it does help to know others suffer with similar problems, not that I wish it on anyone of course.

I asked my T if she could deal with erotic transference and she said yes but the few times I brought it up she looked and acted visibly uncomfortable. Today she said that her actions were not conscious and that I had read it wrong or something like that, I’m proving quite bad at remembering things, sorry!

Anyway you have nothing to lose by asking your T. It’s not like it would be something new to him and depending how long he’s been practicing he’s most likely come across it before but he may or may not handle it well.

With your T. not being around for a few weeks you at least have your group therapy to fall back on. It sounds like a positive/supportive group.

The ‘In Session’ book is very good and gives you an insight as to how transference happens and how it’s dealt with in both negative and positive ways. What it will make clear is that the phenomena has always been around and there’s usually a deep rooted reason behind it, so class it as normal… but hold on to the fact your T. professionally and psychologically could never be yours. The book will spell this out loud and clear.

What you are feeling is painfully real and if you (we) are able to work through this with your T. it should lead us to understand and enable us to manage future relationships better, or at least more conscious than perhaps we do now, it’s still all confusing for me!

I toyed with changing my T. but I constantly questioned whether the problems was mine, hers or both and before I decided to leave I had to be sure I did my best to try and make it work. Ultimately I would have left, last week would have been the last straw for me, I would have gone had things not changed for the better.

I’m glad those couple of days away with your family allowed your brain a rest and put things in perspective. I love it when there’s a distraction and my T. isn’t dominating my head… not that I think much about her she just seems to be there, I haven’t a clue what that’s all about? Keep well and active.

Chezza

Chezza,

It sounds like you and your T have been through a lot. Do you still feel nervous about talking about your transference? That is my biggest problem. I feel so nervous talking about it. I need to become more confident about it. Talking here gives me some good ideas on questions that I can ask. Plus, it is nice to hear others being able to talk about their T and not have it blow up in their face.

I will really have to check out that 'In Session' book. It sounds like something positive to help get through transference.

Knowing that your T wasn't uncomfortable with bringing up your transference must feel better. It can be hard to try and figure out what they are really thinking. I just hope that I can bring it up with my T before he starts going off on some tangent. He tends to talk a lot.

I wish you the best with your T and hopefully it continues to get better and better. Take care.

Lynne

Hi Lynne

I guess my T. and I have been through a lot although we’ve come from different perspectives. She thought we had connected where I didn’t until a few weeks ago after 6 months together!

You ask if I’m still feeling nervous, this is an understatement I’m horrified by it all, its way out of my comfort zone and I’m dreading my next session. BUT it has to be done as it’s been bothering me for months and I no longer want to live in a fantasy world and very much want to know what makes me tick? I totally understand you’re feeling nervous talking about your transference. As I’ve said before it might be helpful asking your T. if he’s covered this subject before and if he could work through it with you. I doubt your T. would ‘blow it up in your face’; I trust this won’t happen to me.

My T. shunned it several times when I mentioned my wanting to look at erotic transference. Later she said that was because she didn’t know what I wanted from her as I wasn’t clear! Your T’s. response was by asking you if you think that your feelings are going to be counterproductive with your therapy? You can always ask him how/why in what way?

I actually think my T. is uncomfortable with me and the subject but is still dealing with it. She’s told me several times that she’ll deal with her stuff and not to worry about her! I am mindful of her though.

I like my T. interjecting but I don’t think your T. should be going off on a tangent, is there a pattern for when this happens? It wouldn’t pay you to spend too much time trying to figure out what your T. is thinking as I doubt you’ll ever get to know unless he shared it with you.

I think the 'In Session' book will help you put things in perspective and find a way to broach the subject with your T, you can also offer the book to him to read.

Take care.

Chezza

Chezza,

I ordered the 'In Session' book, so it should be here within a week. I am anxious to start reading it. I'd like to see how the author thinks when it comes to transference.

As far as my T going off on tangents, this happens almost every session. He likes to talk a lot of theory but actually putting it into practice is a different story. I am not saying that he is a bad T it is just that he doesn't always stick with one thing and focus on that. He is a very smart man and knows his stuff. I am not sure how much he knows about dealing with transference. I guess that is one thing that I need to ask.

I like your idea of asking my T in what way is the transference being counterproductive to the therapy. This way I know if it truly is something that can't be worked out.

It is nice to know that I am not alone in feeling nervous with my T about my transference. I am pretty shy too which doesn't help the situation. I think the biggest thing that I get nervous that he is going to make me feel ashamed for having these feelings because I am married. I know that this can happen whether I am married or not and it doesn't mean that I don't love my spouse any less. I think it is the stigma of it all that has me worried.

I hope things continue to go well with your T and thank you very much for all your help.

Lynne

I went through a dozen shrinks over severe,disabling free-floating anxiety. I came to realize it was my inner child of about 3 yrs. old, fearing death & abandonment about caregivers after mother's death.
I transfered all that need-love and fear onto the T, and it became a life-and-death issue in my feelings. I could hardly wait two weeks to see him, and dreaded the time he might pronouce me well, when I would never see him again.

But I couldn't breathe a word of it to the T. I guess my caregivers each made it clear they didn't like taking care of me and would send me off to someone else as soon as they could. So, I transfered that fear onto my T as well. Admitting it would be a death sentence...it was like a guillotine hanging over my head to let him find out.
Besides, my policy about my childhood was to forget past tragedies, and be a tough gal, never allow mushy feelings.
I read a lot of books, tho, and came to know all about Transference in a technical way...how it's very different than adult love or romance. But still could not dare share my dependence on the T.
I feel like you who posted above. If only he could have led the way a little...brought it up gently and let me know it was safe, that he wasn't afraid, and didn't mean termination. I longed for him (or her) to mention transference first so I could follow. I'm sure i could have gotten well much faster than the 13 yrs of hell over it all!

Hi Lynne

Good on you for getting the ‘In Session’ book, hopefully it will dispel some of your anxieties and allow you to find a way in to broach the transference subject with your T.

As for your T. not always sticking with one thing and focusing on it must be quite confusing and frustrating for you? If your T. is as smart as you say then he should know his stuff on Transference in all its forms. I think there are some T’s ofay with it others would only act if the client broaches the subject and not expect the T. to take the lead, I guess they need to be clear what you are saying and give them the opportunity to work out how they deal with it, maybe? How about you write down what you would like to say to your T, e.g. is he familiar with transference; has he dealt with it before and would he support you though it if you both deem it necessary? Also write down how you would like to respond if he comes back with are your “... feelings are going to be counterproductive with [your] therapy” One thing I am almost sure about is I don’t believe he will make you feel ashamed for having the feelings whether you were married or not or if you were a man, they are trained to understand and support us to understand and enable us to move forward. And quite frankly if he did make you feel bad then I’d get out as he’s not fit to be in practice

Lynne I’m not normally a shy person but I am at times with my T. in fact I started work on Transference last week with her and I went back this week saying I couldn’t deal with it. I am so confused with counselling so we did some word storming around issues I want to deal with and for me to prioritise one so we can go deeper rather skimming the top of things. As for dealing with the ET I don’t know if this would happen yet it’s the main one I want to work with. So on that note I’m not in a position to give anyone advice when I’ve chickened out!!

I’m feeling more comfortable with my T. now so hopefully things will go well for us. Let me know how you get on with the book.

Have a good week

Chezza

Hi Skylynx

Sounds like you’ve been having a tough time, I am sorry to hear this. You say you’ve been through a ‘dozen shrinks’ and couldn’t breathe a word of ‘it’ to any of them I guess? Have you read ‘In Session’ by Deborah Lott, I have and my T. has it now, I may not benefit from it but I hope she do and her future clients who might go through it. Before you move on consider asking your T. if s/he know about transference and what their views are on it? This will give you some ideal as to how you can move forward. In an idealistic way it would be helpful if T’s warned clients that Transference could happen and that it would be ok to work through it should we experience it. T’s deals with transference differently and I can understand why they wouldn’t want to take the lead when it is mentioned by a client. I guess they need to know you understand transference (mine questioned me several times, I guess they have to be clear you have a ’problem’ and that you’re not coming on to them!).

I’m not to ofay with counseling but in the short time I’ve been with mine I’ve found it really tough and to connect with her. I guess you’ve read what I’ve written in the above responses. All the best, It would be good to hear how you get on.

Best wishes Chezza

I’m still on the dreadful subject transference; well that’s what it might be? I’m at a stage where it’s blocked me moving forward and I’m now at a stage of fight-or- flight (again)! My counsellor returned my ‘In Session’ book today and asked why I gave it too her to read? I said I wanted her to know I knew what transference was about and that it wasn’t a personal thing. She said she had read bits of it but didn’t elaborate. I tried speaking to her in the earlier stages about how I was feeling about her but she appeared to be embarrassed and not wanting to discuss it. We connected about 6 months into counseling, I feel okay with her and she appears ok for me to discuss whatever is disturbing me but I can’t let go of her response in the earlier days. In all fairness to her she’s not immune to emotions and understand her feeling embarrassed especially being heterosexual, in a relationship (or not) or even sensitive to the issues herself! Geez do I go or bite the bullet’?

Happy New Year
Chezza :/

I have some good feelings lately about my T. I volunteered for a new type of therapy with a new T. So I haven't seen my old T for over a month now. My feelings have died down a lot and seem to be getting better. I don't feel so attached anymore. If I would have known that this would happen, I would have gotten a new T long ago. I just thought that I was giving up by not sticking to what I had.

I just feel so much better without my T anymore. I like the new treatment I am getting too. No transference with this guy. So I think it does help if you can afford to get a new T. The feelings won't ever go away completely, but it does get easier.

Hi Lynne

It’s been a long time my responding to your post, I am so pleased you made the decision to change to a new T, when you posted this you sounded very positive, I hope this feeling has continued for you, how are you doing?

I do wonder whether changing T might suit me, although I don’t particularly want to! As much as I like her; I’ve not done well over the last year and have even put a lot of weight on; obviously this isn’t down to my T. To be honest I am bloody confused with the counselling process and am not sure fully what my role is. This week I may have discovered I have a compulsive disorder, it is very embarrassing one and I don’t feel able to share it with my T. I am also unable to pinpoint other issues and would like some support with this but the counselling I have entails the counsellor being led by the client, but this client needs help grrrr! Other subjects I broached in the past with T such as transference has gone nowhere leaving me nonplussed and my T saying nothing. O dear another ruminating week ahead for me . I may sound sad but I genuinely want to make changes for the better.

Chezza

Is it important to discuss transference of a sexual nature with my counsellor or would it be best to discuss it with another and why please?

Chezza,
I think its important to discuss with your therapist and a lot of understanding can come out of it. There's a post on my blog I think you would find helpful:

Erotic Transference

I have extensively discussed my feelings for my therapist both romantic and sexual and a lot of insight and change grew out of it. All that said, if you can't bring yourself to talk to your own T, talking to someone else might help you to figure out how to talk to your own T about the subject. Its extremely scary and difficult to talk about.

AG

Thank you AG for clarifying what I thought I need to do, my counselor know what my issues are because I wrote them down, what I stupidly didn’t bank on was that I needed to discuss and be in touch with my feelings, which I cannot bring myself to do. I am not in love or interested in a relationship with her although she’s a good looking woman, I just don’t want to go down that road but reserve those feelings for someone able to reciprocate them.

I found your blog on Erotic Transference helpful and think you are a very brave woman.

Thank you Chezza

quote:

my counselor know what my issues are because I wrote them down, what I stupidly didn’t bank on was that I needed to discuss and be in touch with my feelings, which I cannot bring myself to do.

Hi Chezza. I might be highjacking your thread to ask this, but does anyone have ideas/suggestions/experience with how to move from writing it down to actually accessing the feelings and/or discussing them? I am stuck at this point too, Chezza. T thinks I'm just "holding out" but I honestly can't find any access to my feelings when I'm with her in session.

Thanks
RabbitEars

Hi RabbitEars, Your questions are valuable for me too; I feel physically sick at the sheer thought of discussing my issues with the very person that is the main focus of my ‘problem’ (Transference)! Like you in my sessions I can’t/won’t access my feelings.

Thank you
Chezza

I can really relate to how difficult it is to allow yourself to experience your feelings. I spent a lot of my life avoiding them, so effectively that it felt impossible to actually allow myself to have them.

There are two things I found really helpful. The first was to stop filtering. At some point, I realized that before I would express a feeling, I would actually decide whether the feeling was appropriate. I thought there was a right and wrong to feelings and if I decided the feeling was "wrong" then I would push it away. But what I learned is that feelings just are. They're information. I was being driven really hard by the feelings I wasn't admitting to. the other thing I learned is that feelings aren't always rational. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be heard. So I tried to stop filtering and no matter how crazy or "wrong" it sounded, I just said what I was feeling. I just committed to not thinking about it but just saying it.

But the other important piece for me was going down into my body (I stay up in my head a lot). We experience our feelings in our bodies. We say something is visceral based on the latin word viscera which literally means "guts" or intestines. So when I couldn't figure out what I was feeling, I paid attention to my body. Sometimes I would just describe what I felt in my muscles, in my chest, in my gut and let my T help me name what I was feeling. There are times he will sometimes point out things to me (I had a recent session where he interrupted me to point out my voice was cracking and what was going on?). It can be slow painstaking work, not least because at some point we learned that expressing our feelings made bad things happen (for myself, it often led to abandonment) so you have walk through the fear to do this. But the more you do it, and experience your Ts acceptance, the less scary it will become.

I do think it is important. In my experience, my healing has not grown out of my intellectual understanding (as dearly as I wish that would be enough) but from experiencing and understanding my feelings in the moment with my therapist. That's part of why so much of our work started by focusing on our relationship. As I moved through the feelings, that's when I would tie in my past. Hope this helps.

AG

times 2

AG, thank you for your post. I was hoping you might respond, because I had a feeling(!?) you might be able to put this mystery into words. (But notice, I could not get myself to directly ask "AG, could you please help?" ) I know we've never met, but I read and reread your blog, and I thought you might be the one to begin to explain this to me.

I'm going to start with the filter removal part. I've got the HEPA equivalent going on in my brain, so only 0.000001% of what I'm thinking ever escapes as actual speech during my sessions. And now that I think about it, I automatically filter anything that makes my voice crack and/or try to rearrange how I'm going to say it so I can speak w/o revealing the emotions I feel.

The body part makes sense too, but I'm not sure if I can "multi-task" (speak w/o filters AND concentrate on body feelings at the same time). Maybe the two will happen together naturally?

Thank you so much for this Intro to Feeling Your Feelings!

RabbitEars

Also, RT and RM, thank you for your input. It helps to know others recognize this process of finding and feeling emotions in session. I think part of me thought the whole thing was some theoretical mumbo-jumbo made up and endorsed by Ts

RabbitEars