Starry,
I don't understand it either but I go thru the same thing. Mostly on the side of constant but some days is really hard.

I want to understand and thinking of bringing it up but I might have to do it as an observer...

The lack of control is what bothers me the most...then I think I have to sit and try to figure it out all day...get nothing done.

If you figure it out let me know.



Hopeful

Starry,

I know how you feel. My transference has been such a huge problem for me because of the lack of control I felt. Then one week the intensity dropped off quite a bit. I think this was when I was trying so many different relaxation techniques that I was often focusing on something other than T. It was a distraction from my distraction.

And, I was getting some relief from my anxiety by trying to relax all the time. But then my T did something that jilted me emotionally (she didn't do it on purpose, but she still did it!) And now it is back to full-on obsession!! I cannot stop thinking about her and have to consciously ignore the feeling of wanted to follow her everywhere. (I am NOT a creepy stalker! )

T knows about the transference, but I don't think she gets how intense it is and just how incredibly painful, because I don't elaborate on it like that. I am so afraid that if I tell her how bad it is, she will pawn me off on someone else, or tell me we should start meeting once a month instead of once a week, etc. It is such a vulnerable place to be, to admit that they have so much power over our emotions. I am so keenly sensitive to, and aware of EVERYTHING she says and does. It would be so easy for her to hurt me really deeply.

So the ebb and flow for me is more like a roller coaster, going up and down quite fast.

quote:

He was a constant presence in my mind, awake or asleep - like being constantly aware of him, like nothing I have ever experienced before. It felt like he was WITH me, just invisible.

Wow, you described this really well! I've even felt my T's in my body somehow at times, as though I had absorbed parts of their gestures and such.

Like Coco, I have found anything calming or relaxing to help with the feelings. Also, sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to hold onto T in my head all the time. That it's OK to let go and forget about her for a while and she will still be there.

I agree with BLT here. Since finding you wonderful peeps on this forum and thinking of you all, I have been able tocontrol thoughts of T in my concious thinking a bit more. Had a very wierd unconcious episode about her on Saturday though. Will maybe post thread on that tomorrow.

AV

******* Trigger Warning CSA

Starry,

FWIW, I've connected feeling this way to avoidance/coping on my end. After a while, I noticed a pattern that as I approached allowing myself to face a loss or uncover new painful material, my obsession with and erotic attraction to my T would often hit a high point. It was like I was trying to distract myself or give myself something else to be in pain about. I also remembered that sometimes wanting to have sex with my T was connected to the memory that it was during the sexual abuse that I experienced the only "loving" touch and comfort I got. That the physical "pleasure" was a relief from the terror. My T and I discussed this (I came close to throwing up over this one just for the record) and he told he totally understood why I would want to have a few minutes of peace. Once I noticed that, I would use the increased intensity of the feelings to tell myself to slow down, check in and see what was going on underneath all those feelings.

This may have NOTHING to do with why this is true for you, just wanted to share in case it's helpful.

AG

quote:

After a while, I noticed a pattern that as I approached allowing myself to face a loss or uncover new painful material, my obsession with and erotic attraction to my T would often hit a high point. It was like I was trying to distract myself or give myself something else to be in pain about.

minus the erotic part. The key with this is having a T that is willing to look at this and help you go there and be patient while you try to get to what is underneath. I had made this same connection that AG did a while back, but wasn't able to get to what was underneath due to issues between old T and I which boiled down to mismanaged transference/countertransference. The good thing is that you are aware of it and that is the first step.

Good luck Starry, I hope that you are able to talk about this with T and figure out what is underneath all of that.

CTL,
So glad you found it helpful (while also being sorry it makes so much sense to you. ). My T has been VERY steady in this area and very open to discussing it which has really helped. As a matter of fact, I'm working on a post on Erotic Transference for my blog right now, I'll let you know when its up if you want. I'm hoping for tonight but tomorrow at the latest.

AG

Ditto CTL. Thank you AG. What a tremendous help!

Thank you all so much! Any time I post a qustion I am always struck by how compassionate, kind, and generous you are in your replies.

quote:

CoCo - T knows about the transference, but I don't think she gets how intense it is and just how incredibly painful, because I don't elaborate on it like that. I am so afraid that if I tell her how bad it is, she will pawn me off on someone else, or tell me we should start meeting once a month instead of once a week, etc. It is such a vulnerable place to be, to admit that they have so much power over our emotions. I am so keenly sensitive to, and aware of EVERYTHING she says and does. It would be so easy for her to hurt me really deeply.

YES, exactly!! T knows I feel it, but when I did disclose some of the intensity, he made a comment about preoccupation leading to obsession. So... yeah, I don't really want to be told that seeing him weekly is possibly exacerbating the intensity and that I should decrease how often I see him.

quote:

BLT - Also, sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to hold onto T in my head all the time. That it's OK to let go and forget about her for a while and she will still be there.

I like this. Will try "letting go" and still feeling him near when I need to. I guess I'm pretty insecure in my attachment to him, so maybe I'm emotionally holding him more tightly than I really need to. He's told me he won't terminate - that it's up to me, but still... I need him, and feeling him close helps so much! I just wish I understand the transference end of it!

quote:

STRM - The key with this is having a T that is willing to look at this and help you go there and be patient while you try to get to what is underneath.

I know, you said it exactly! And he IS patient, bless his heart. Only once has he ever displayed a moment of impatience, and it was almost humorous, looking back now.
I know he is willing to "look at this and help me get to what is underneath" - and he will also let me go at my own pace. ~sigh~ I love that man.

quote:

AG - ...I noticed a pattern that as I approached allowing myself to face a loss or uncover new painful material, my obsession with and erotic attraction to my T would often hit a high point.

Hm. I've got to ponder this. Several of you echoed what AG said here, and it rings true, but I just don't know.

I feel like everything connects somehow, like T showed me how my fear of spiders links to feeling threatened - because when I see them I have memories of when I was almost abducted. So I know that other things are related too, just don't really want to go deep to find them out, but I hang on the edge, afraid of really getting in too deep because I might not like what I find. So... perhaps that leads me to hover in a state of transference, until I am willing to do something about it?

Hugs and appreciation to each of you,
Starry

I am getting confused again with the difference between what transference is and what thinking about what attachment is. Like dah.... I know the attachment styles - but I think of my T a lot trying to keep her in my mind and I can sometimes have imaginery conversations with her - but I have no sexual feelings or I don't think of her as a mother figure or sister - but I am getting confused with boundaries with T attachment versus friend attachment.

So is obsessional thinking about T - transference?

Can someone throw me some questions about transference my way and help me work it out?

SD

I'm a little confused about transference versus attachment and dependency and stuff, too.

Quell

Sorry for the confusion! I may have muddied the water a bit because the two are closely linked in my experience. But typically (someone correct me as needed!) attachment is simply your bond, or degree/type of bond, with your T. I fought and fought attachment because I don't like being attached to anyone, but alas, too little, too late, and I'm pretty okay with that now.

Transference is nigh unto impossible for me to describe, but it has to do with unmet needs and feelings of the past being transferred/attributed to someone in the present. Fur me, the feelings that are PART of my attachment become flat-out obsessive and almost unbearable when I'm transferring heavily.... Our at least thats the way I think of it!

Hugs!
Starry

quote:

I know the attachment styles - but I think of my T a lot trying to keep her in my mind and I can sometimes have imaginery conversations with her - but I have no sexual feelings or I don't think of her as a mother figure or sister

I have imaginary conversation with my T all the time! And I am also a bit confused about the attachment/transference because as you say SD, it's not erotic transference or maternal or sisterly. There doesn't seem to be any particular "relationship" attached to it at all. Not that I can really feel, anyway. But shouldn't there be? Isn't transference mostly about what we didn't get as a child?

For anyone who's interested, I put up a post on Erotic Transference. And if you don't mind, I'll steal the question about transference, attachment and dependency as a topic for another post.

AG

quote:

Xoxo said - my feelings for my therapeist seem to get more intense when he is most empathetic and sweet....when we have the most connecting sessions

Bam! That just really struck a chord - thank you for that insight, Xoxo!

But you know, the hardest, most painful transference of all came after he did something that felt so cold and heartless, like my dad had treated me at times.

Overall though, I think you nailed it for me - when T is so kind and understanding, I just want more of what I perceive as love, and it hurts that the line is drawn in the sand - CONCRETE, in his case, so firmly then. Like you get this much love, and that's it.

BUT.... I've already read AG's blog post on erotic transference, and that was incredible - such an eye-opener, I couldn't even respond at the time.

Thank you all for your insight. It helps so much just knowing I'm not alone on this roller coaster!

Starry

Hi all...haven't been posting a lot lately, hope some of you still remember me, couse I do keep my fingers crossed for all of you all the time, I ve been monotoring te forum though, just had really rough last six months...

Didn't read all the answers yet, however the same thing is happening to me to...I also noticed the pattern when my transferenc is high and then low...For me is like this...One session I can bee really really close to my T and have good session and I let my T in, but then next session is totally oposite...However i find it, that when i have problems with other people, like if they hurt me in some way, then I also put my T behind the wall...and won't let her in, it seems like, I play this game, i'll run away before you will. At that point the transference goes down and I feel more calm...yet so extremly empty...I actually do prefer when my transference is higher it hurts a lot, but my trust is bigger not only with T, but also with my surroundings.

Thanks for the question...