quote:

If I had my way, how I feel about T and therapy would probably be all we talked about in session, LOL.

Yaku, I realize you were (half) joking but I do want you to know that the further I progressed in therapy with my second T, the more our work centered around our relationship, with a focus on my feelings about whatever was going on between us. Now this often led to my past and me making connections to how I did things. But the relationship was the template I used to understand myself because I was able in the moment to discuss my reactions and get clear feedback from the other person in a way you cannot in a normal relationship. So I don't think you're very far off. But my T was also really comfortable with working in this way, which really helped.

And I've read the article before and thought it was very good.

AG

I think if I came to every single session and said, "I want to talk about this transference thing and how I'm feeling about you right now," T would probably go with me on that. He keeps my transference map on top of the (large stack) of writing I share with him, and always smiles and says how good it is every time I see it. I cringe when I see it, so maybe that is why HE doesn't bring it up, because I'm just still so sensitive about the topic. I'm working up the nerve to ask him what he would say if I asked him to sit closer to me. I need to wait until I'm ready for him to have a boundary on that. Even if he could just be two or three feet away and next to me instead of five or six and across from me (with that "evil" table I have threatened to break) in between us, that would be better. He has sat on the floor with me (though he moved way to the other side of the room) and has shifted so we are more side-by-side. So, perhaps the only boundary is my not asking and him wanting it to be initiated by me. Ugh. I just feel like there is so much I cannot say across the "void." I have indicated all these feelings to him, but never directly asked him if he has a boundary about seating arrangements...

thanks for this Yaku - helpful to mull over. My P definately reminds me of a golden labrador.
Sorry about my spelling

What is a transference map?

Oh, it is just something I made for T that made him super-happy at the time. I did it, because I could not verbally confess my attachment to him and also all the painful experiences he was triggering. So I drew a map of how my relationship with both parents affected my interactions with him. It had something like the major features/characteristics of my relationship with each parent at the top, the word "transference" in the middle, a layer of various triggers I had observed (like words T used, actions T did, even just certain ways T is) causing me to experience past feelings. Then, a below that, a layer of internal reactions to those triggers and below that external responses to those transferred emotions. It was all connected by lines, such that it looked a little bit like a thought web or a thought tree. Anyway, T acted like I had given him pure gold or something, for several weeks. I don't think I would have had the guts to share that with T if not for the information and support I got here shortly after joining. And, if I look back at my old posts...I really can see the progress that sometimes feels like it's never there. Thanks for asking.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
I don't think I would have had the guts to share that with T if not for the information and support I got here shortly after joining.

Just for the record, I have learned so much so fast by reading the posts on this site. My T's head is probably exploding. Because you all have been able to say the words here, and because I have been able to read them in different ways over and over, I find that it's ten times easier to talk to my T about things that used to make me feel very uncomfortable. This includes previously squirmy, creepy, embarrassing, weak-sounding phrases and ideas such as "getting my needs met," "caring," "affection and attention," "healing," and "hurting."

So just recently I brought T an entry from my journal, which I had never done in 1.5 years of therapy. I started writing the journal the same day I started seeing him. It's 250 pages long now (although it's not all about therapy!). Basically this journal entry indicated that I understood what had to happen in therapy in terms of having a relationship with him, and that I was very scared about it. I also wanted to know if
1. he was sure he could do it with me
2. he was sure that he wanted to do it with me

It wasn't written TO him, but the message came across. In my thoughts in the journal I was also sort of warning him and pleading with him not to hurt me and not to F-up with me.

So I brought it in and I felt a little anxious because it was journal-y and seemed very melodramatic to me, but I knew it was true to how I felt at the time I wrote it. And I also did want to know if he really wanted to stick with me and go on this freaking scary journey with me.

After he read it, he told me that he knew what he was doing. He also told me that actually, he would probably mess up sometimes and hurt my feelings, but that he trusted that we could work those things out together when they happened and keep going. Luckily, I had already read about those kinds of situations here, so I understood.

Anyway, it was the end of our session, so we didn't get much further than that. He said he was worried about not saying the right thing for me at the time, about being sure he wanted to do this with me, but he wanted me to know that he was committed to me and interested in me. I guess "interested" isn't the warmest fuzziest word ever, but that's a thought for next week maybe.

Anyway, I would not have had the guts to share those feelings and my journal with T without having learned so much here. I also truly believe that it would have taken me many more months to understand and be comfortable(well...)with what the therapy process and the attachment work is about.

I know that I have a lot more to learn and a lot more to go through, and I know that I'm going to really hate some of it, but you have all made me feel more normal and 100% more courageous.

Thanks.

Quell

PS I'm so glad ND asked about the transference map. I wanted to know, too!

Quell... reading a post like this from you is what makes all the writing and explaining about what I go through in this process so worthwhile. It makes me so excited to know that you bravely went into your T and read him part of your journal and dared to ask him those very scary questions. I am very happy to know that reading here has helped you to understand attachment, relationships with T's and that your feelings are quite normal for what you have experienced in your life and that it's okay to talk about all of this with your T.

Quell you were already brave because you were already in therapy and therapy is not for wimps. We just supported and encouraged you. And yes, you will hate some of this but in the end it will be very rewarding as you heal and grow.

A few questions... is your T experienced? What modality does he use in therapy? Is he psychodynamic or CBT or eclectic or something else? My T is not very warm and fuzzy at times either but he is very committed to my healing and he is a good, ethical T. I'll bet as you delve further into this with your T you will see more fuzziness! I really look forward to hearing more about your T and your journey with him.

TN

Hey Yak, Can you post a picture of it? I would love to see it. I'm also thinking maybe it could help me figure out where my transference is coming from.Thanks

Hi Quell,
I feel the same way about the forum.

Quell, ND...glad you have both found the sort of help I have here. Hearing that is what allows me to keep posting, even if it sometimes panics me.

ND - I made the map from my head in my car right before a session and never made a copy of it. I suppose I could ask him to dig through my file to find it, but I have a very large journal (340 pages, 1.15 spaced) that I have written for therapy over the last year and T has received nearly every entry, printed them and placed them in my file. So, that might be a lot to ask at this point, especially as I think he keeps the older stuff at home, because he commutes throughout the week.

Quell - It's great that you have your journal to catalog your journey. As I said above, I have one too. At first, I started writing descriptions of my session, talking about my T in the third person, but after a number of months and coming clean about the attachment, I started writing to him rather than about him. It felt so much more natural to me, sharing something with him that addressed the relationship directly rather than talking about him as if he wasn't a participant. Practicing that in my writing is one thing that allowed me to do it in person. Now if only I could manage to call the man by his name (or even is title) and make regular eye contact! I think I actually hold his hand longer in any given session than actually making eye contact, LOL.

Thanks anyway Yaku. I'll see if I can find something. I think it might help me. I understand about all the stuff your T has.