Hmmm, it's really so hard to know what is going on just from reading your posts about it.

If you have a bad gut feeling about him, I wouldn't just dismiss that. It's possible that it's reminding you of a past bad situation or that it's a way of trying to dodge your romantic feelings about him...but it's also possible you've got good reasons for it.

I would definitely ask his reason for wanting to see you someplace else...

quote:

Originally posted by BLT:

I would definitely ask his reason for wanting to see you someplace else...

Will definitely ask him about it next week BLT! Thanks for your reply I'm thinking about it all and will try to elaborate better later, it's all a big blur atm

Something else I remember from last session: I finally asked him about his take on contact between sessions. I could tell he didn't see that question coming because he hesitated:P he said that some people call him when important stuff happens but other than that there is no contact or it would count as an extra session.
I was sad about it, I have to say... Like he didn't want to be there for me, or that he didn't want *me* to contact him. I took it personally.

However after my disclosure and after telling him that maybe it would be easier for me to write down difficult stuff, he spontaneously said I could call him/email him. I said I wouldn't do it and I'm serious about it. I think part of me resents him, despite (or because?) his change of heart.

I think all of this helped me stop seeing him as some sort of semi-god and start seeing him for what he really is: a man with some faults.

Eliana I think you have a few things going on here. First of all, it is absolutely normal and very common to want to run after disclosing something scary, intimate, shameful or embarrassing. One part of you knows it would be okay to tell and the other part wants to run away from the intimacy this revelation creates. As you move closer to T emotionally, you will want to run more often. This is part of disorganized attachment. You want to move closer to your attachment figure to seek comfort and safety and wisdom yet, when we tried to do this as children we had an AF who scared us or acted scared OF us. So we learn that moving closer is not a good thing to do.

The other thing in your post that strikes me is your having feelings for your T and then deciding OH NO I don't have THOSE kinds of feelings and you then feel "ick" about it. I think when we are moving closer and becoming emotionally attached to our T we try out all different scenarios. With oldT I had an instant attachment to him and I was very attracted to him. But... when I looked at him objectively, he was NOT my type at all. If I had seen him in the street or at a restaurant or club I would never give him a second look. Yet, knowing him through therapy created this VERY strong need to be near him, hear his voice, listen to his words and a need to know ALL about him. When the erotic part settled down and I understood more about attachment, I realized I saw him in a paternal role with me. In the case of oldT I would switch back and forth from ET to paternal attachment.

With my current T.. it's all parental attachment stuff. I am not physically attracted to him and when I would test this theory in my mind and imagination I would get the same reaction you give yourself... I would freak out at the thought.... it was not what I wanted. I just wanted to be with him because I felt better when I was with him. It was the attachment reaction that was kicking in and not ET with him at all. I do love him for his intelligence, his kindness, his sense of humor and the fact that he saved me from drowning in grief and depression. But I don't want anything physical with him. Which is kind of a relief to me at this point... although I still get those powerful urges to run from him and/or push him away.

You are not a bad person for having any of these thoughts about him. I think you are just trying to figure out where these feelings you are having "fit" in your world and why you are having them. While i don't think it's necessary right now to discuss any romantic feelings you are having (because it may not be that) it would be a good idea to discuss attachment with him and see how much he understands about that.

And Eliana... if love develops it would not be wrong... only wrong if someone acts on it. As my T reminds me... it's normal to have love in the therpeutic relationship when you are having intimate discussions and sharing so much. We are human. It happens. Of course if your T is behaving in any way unethically then you have a legitimate reason to run. I think you do need to ask the question about meeting in the other place. That would be important to know.

Hang in there,
TN

Eliana, it is a very uncomfortable place to be when therapy is stirring up the feelings that we don't understand or even don't want.

One thing you know and I also know, but I sure find difficult to REALLY know, is that your erotic feelings from him, ARE transference = they belong to some event, unresolved, in your past. they are coming from a part of you that is seeking understanding and resolution. He just happens to be the safe person you can hang these feelings on whilst they feel safe enough to come up. so they are not 'personal' to him, they actually probably belong to someone else - or a few people back in the past, or are feelings that need to come up because back then they were stifled or stopped in some way.

so any good T would not be so daft as to think 'wow she fancies ME!' - but rather "you have erotic feelings coming up, around a safe father figure or kind man, and I wonder where in your past that is linking up ...what event or what meaning does it have for you?" and help you to look at it.

Whenever strong transference is taking place for me, when I am IN it, I feel it is ALL about my T and not ANYTHING about something from my past. When I am out the other side, THEN I see it was all about so and so.....and only got trnsfered to my t because he is safe and kind and an unconscious part of me opened up and allowed me to feel stuff around him that I have fun from for years.

Does that help?

I hope so. Anyway, I sympathize and send hugs.

You can hopefully talk about all this in your next session with him. It is scary being so honest, I know. If he is a good T, he will help you work through it and come to a better place with it all.

*hugs to you*

Oh I could have written this myself!

I've got the erotic transference going on a lot with my T right now and I've hypothetically imagined more intimate scenes and the problem is, I still can't tell. She happens to be an intelligent and attractive middle aged woman. On top of that she's got beautiful blue eyes and I like women with bright eyes. She's read the same books that I've read that not a lot of other people I know read and she's mentioned once, briefly, when I was upset, empathetically that she's been through what I've been through.

Soo...attractive woman, intelligent, been through similar trauma, oh did I mention that I can sense her vulnerability so well still which just makes me want to hug her and protect her because I empathize.

Yet at the same time, half the time even, there'll be those moments where I cannot imagine even touching her that way and I'm totally uncertain about the feelings I have.

Plus when I mentioned about the erotic transferece, for one single sizable moment she looked away very unsure which brought up massive red flags for me.

Like yourself I feel suspicious and a little angry that my therapist got this stuff out of me. I keep thinking I'm massaging her ego by telling her how attached I am to her. Half the time I want to say 'Are you liking this? Do you think you can get your head through that door when I leave? Does it make you feel better about yourself that you've got this needy patient? Am I fulfilling your void because you feel needed now?'

I could go on.

i think its just a mixture of things hon. Transference is messy. Its a mixture of new feelings, old feelings, this, that and I think the only way to really solve it is to stick by it and work through it and perhaps remember that your not sure about whats going on emotionally right now and so perhaps its worth sticking with this therapist (if he hasn't offended your or done anything wrong) and seeing what happens when you get to the mor eintense stuff? just an idea of course. *hugs* but i know exactly what you feel. its so confusing. and almost surreal in some weird way sometimes.

(((BLT)))(((TN)))(((kansas)))(((Sadly)))(((Forgetmenot))) thank you so much for all your words and support, they mean a lot to me and they helped me immensely to make sense of all this!
I wanted to come back to this topic much sooner but real life happenned and I was unable to update it until now.

I had my session with T yesterday, and asked him about the reason why he would want to see me in his other practice, and after hearing his explanation I felt such a fool for distrusting him so badly. I had mentioned that I might start studying on a univ near the other place where he practices, that's why he suggested it, because it's a really short drive from there. That's all. No weird suspicious scheme going on, nothing to set me up and trap me *i fail*

Like you guys suggested, I think my desire to flee was about feeling unsafe for having revealed *too much* during last session. I've read about it so much in these forums and I guess I always assumed "nah it's not gonna happen to me, I'd totally see it coming" but it's not easy to recognize where my real motivations come from, things can get really tangled inside. So it almost comes down to the question "do I trust my instincts or do I trust him?". It's a bit of a cruel joke really.

Quoted by TN: "With my current T.. it's all parental attachment stuff. I am not physically attracted to him and when I would test this theory in my mind and imagination I would get the same reaction you give yourself... I would freak out at the thought.... it was not what I wanted. I just wanted to be with him because I felt better when I was with him. It was the attachment reaction that was kicking in and not ET with him at all. I do love him for his intelligence, his kindness, his sense of humor and the fact that he saved me from drowning in grief and depression. But I don't want anything physical with him. Which is kind of a relief to me at this point... although I still get those powerful urges to run from him and/or push him away." TN, thank you for these words, you described it so well I felt relief showering me when I read it.

Not surprisingly T was much more gentle this time and the need of running calmed down. We avoided the hard topics and I warmed up to him again, but with a much more manageable intensity. I won't be seeing him for 3 weeks, and yes I'll miss him and yes I'm still the underdog girl in love with the prom king, but I have stuff to do meanwhile so I'll just keep busy (I think this is a key point for me, there IS life outside T and I absolutely need to cultivate it).

I think that having him reassuring me that he will think about me, that he likes me and enjoys our time together, and the fact that he gave me 5 minutes extra at the end of the session (first time ever to run over time wow!) helped to quieten my transference feelings. I'm also still in awe of how much faith he has in me and my abilities. I'm still warm inside. If only I had met someone who told me these things 10 years ago I know I would be in a very different place in life now...

Forgetmenot, I think it's so brave of you to mention erotic feelings to your T. I think the reason why I haven't was because I'm terribly scared of that "look away" reaction you think your T had. Also I haven't tested boundaries enough to be absolutely sure that he is capable of holding them. I know he is old enough to be my father and he should be professional, but I've seen it happening (though I do feel cheap for thinking so poorly of him). Anyway, I'm fairly new at this T stuff but one thing that I've learned so far is that the "relationship" is not carved in stone, there will be good days and bad days for both you and your T. Don't judge it for one single moment, but rather for all that it has given to you so far.