Affinity,
I'm really sorry if anything I said made this harder, I do not mean to dismiss or be indifferent to the very real pain you are in.

I am very impressed that you were able to think through what is going on and connect it to your feelings of powerlessness (my very least favorite emotion, hate it even more than shame). I had a very different approach to protectiveness which was that I needed to stop protecting myself so I could feel what it was like to have BN protect me. But it sounds like the complete opposite is true for you.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like for you, by setting this boundary, your T is taking away your choice and your free will. I know that I have very strong feelings about not having any choice during the abuse, so I get why that would be so triggering.

Were you able to express any of this to your T? or is it something you came to understand after reflecting on the session? (Please tell me afterwards cause if you did this on the fly, I'm going to feel quite inadequate ). I think it's important that you talk about feeling powerless and that you do get to scream about it. It's time for you to be heard about this.

quote:

But when he says, "I'm doing this for your protection," what I really hear is, "You're a little kid who is too naïve to understand that X is bad." I can tell myself all day long that it's different this time, but it absolutely FEELS the same - especially in the face of knowing that he does this for other clients.

This is the key, because this is what trips us up on life, when we hear something so powerful from our past that we cannot hear what is going on in our present. Checking in with your T so he can tell you that he wasn't thinking you are too naive to understand is really important. The feeling may not budge for a while but the first step is to get enough space between you and your feeling to figure out whether it is a good reflection of reality here and now or not, and choose how to act on a less distorted view. Does that make any sense? I think its something we all do unconsciously, I know I did.

I do not know if your T will change his mind, but it does help to have your feelings heard and make your own decisions.

I know its not much comfort right now, but I think this is truly the deep work of therapy, allowing yourself to feel and think through your reactions to your Ts boundaries, its how we sort through our stuff and express what we need to and learn to understand why we do what we do.

I know it made a huge difference in my life when I realized that I am no longer powerless. That doesn't always mean I get what I want or can force other people to do what I want them to, but I no longer need to just grit my teeth and suffer through whatever is going on. I can make choices about where I am and what I am doing.

I'm sorry this is so hard. You deserved actual protection so your could learn to protect yourself, not a ruse to cover over being controlled.

((((AG))))

I don't think you're indifferent to my pain at all, and I haven't taken anything you've said in that way. So no worries. I really appreciate what you and TN and Very Hopeful are doing. Thank you.

I wasn't able to express any of these thoughts in session, because after he said his piece, I pretty much shut down. I spent most of the leftover time awkwardly staring at the carpet. And the internal ache was so bad that I couldn't put words to any of my feelings. All I could puzzle out (unspoken) at the time was "it's not fair." I also felt powerless, but I couldn't explain why. It took some time reflecting to get clear on the details.

I hope I can bring this up to my T on Friday. As long as I can keep that stupid shame monster at bay...

I find hitting it over the head with a large stick can be helpful.

Sorry I joke, but I know it can feel well-nigh impossible to speak when the shame monster is prowling, but try to remember that the shame is not really yours... it belongs to the people who abused you and failed to protect you. And from everything you've said, your T sounds really solid. It truly sucks, but the only solution I have found to shame is to do the exact thing its telling you not to do, which is to speak about it. But you have already proven yourself very courageous and I think you'll find the strength. I hope it goes well and please let us know!

AG

PS Thank you for the reassurance, happy to know I didn't overstep.

UPDATE #2

So, it's been a rough couple of days feeling like my T blew a hole in me with the whole touch issue - not to mention that I'm under a massive amount of stress in pretty much all areas of my life this week. I felt a little better after processing stuff here, so I decided to do a little more on my own with some journaling.

While journaling about my feeling of powerlessness, I hit upon 2 things:

1. I feel powerless because I need T, but he doesn't need me.

2. My desire for an erotic connection is my attempt to seize power and equalize the relationship.

My mouth literally dropped open on that second epiphany, because it went right to the heart of the issue I raised with my T concerning my husband. I don't well tolerate anything from my husband that looks like sexual rejection. I pretty much fall apart if ever I want sex and he doesn't. I realize now that I've been tying my personal sense of power and worth to my desirability. It feels powerful to me because it allows me to connect with a person without becoming emotionally vulnerable. And because touch is my primary love language, sex helps me feel loved even if I'm not.

I went to session today planning to talk about all of this, but I started out talking about a dream I had (about smoking a cigar in church ), and it lead to a discussion about my faith and sexuality. (Long story there.) I only got to mention Item 1 in the last five minutes. But it fit well, because my dream was also related to my sense of powerlessness, which we were able to touch on. The session was also relatively light, with lots of good humor from both sides, and his eyes showed a deep warmth for me at several points. I swear, at the very end, he seemed loathe to let me go.

(FYI, I'm really missing him right now.)

I do want to discuss what happened last session with the touch issue, but I think getting some breathing space after that sh*t storm might be a good idea. The nerve is still somewhat tender, and I've got about all the sludge I can handle at the moment. Today's session was a thankfully uplifting reprieve.

Hi Affinity

I have been so moved reading all the posts in this thread. I wonder how you are now after your last post a month ago. I can completely understand the hell you have been going through with the touch issue. Transference is so horrible and so real.

Thinking of you.

Caroola

Thanks, Caroola!

I'm doing a little better (I think) with the transference/touch issue. Transference is still way off the chart, but for the moment I've accepted that I'm not getting touch from my T. He's pretty insistent that he's not going to touch me in any physical way. However, he has this crazy ability to make me feel incredibly loved and accepted, so I've been able to keep my head about the whole issue.