brokenillusions (do you have a preferred nickname?) - Welcome! I first came to this forum to ask about transference myself.

First, it is something that's perfectly normal to be experiencing. A lot of us have either positive or negative transference toward our Ts and it happens to plenty of people in everyday relationships as well. I don't know if she "wants" it to happen or not, but if she is an experienced T, she probably realizes that it will happen when treatment some clients long-term. In my case, I tried running for the first several months of experiencing it, but when I finally got honest with my T, there was a lot of "work" that we could do through those feelings. I am mostly at peace with those feelings right now and my T has been so accepting of it. When I first brought it up, I did so with the fear that he would want me to leave or he would react with disgust to it and that would make me want to leave. I was seeing him as someone from my past, basically, someone who was going to abandon me. But, that's not at all who my T is. It has been scary each time I admit a new aspect of it (including admitting to missing him and the intensity of the pain of my separation anxiety). Each time, it has been met with compassion and a sense that my T doesn't see it as strange or disgusting at all, but normal and a chance to explore why those feelings are so intense.

I have described it to him like what I think being "homesick" would feel like, because I never had that about my childhood home or parents. I remember when we did an outdoor education program in fifth grade, one girl in my cabin got so homesick she cried and I felt very bad for her, but couldn't relate at all, as all I ever felt when I was away from home was, "I wish this never had to end!" or maybe "I miss my cat!" or "I miss my shower!" Anyway, I think of that moment and that girl (whose name or face I don't even remember) crying for her parents and relate to it in how I feel toward my T.

I think, as scary as it is, the sooner it is out in the open, the easier things get. If your T is accepting, it makes for good therapy material and also can calm down some of the anxiety that is there. On the off chance that you have a T who is phobic of these sort of attachments (which unfortunately is true of some Ts who don't have experience and/or education in that area), it is better to find out as soon as possible, as scary as that might be. May I ask how long you have been with this T?

Hi Yakusoku,

Thanks for the response. I've been with T for about a month and half now. She's very much aware of the transference. I basically made it clear that I had a girl crush on her and she reacted pretty well. I had been using a few sessions recently to tell her some of the trauma in my past, and she once again brought it up at the end of my session that I am a little too attached to her, and that we need to work on getting me comfortable enough to step my twice weekly sessions down to once a week. She said there is no urgency, but she wants to be encouraging and move things forward.

At first I felt blindsided. I mean--why when I now feel the worse would she suggest to see me less? I've emailed her twice this week, and also called. I've been in contact with her each day so I know I am attached, but I can't fight that need to feel her presence in my life. I don't want to feel this way, but I do.

I am worried that she will leave me, and that I won't be helped. The heartbreak of abandonment is what I fear the most. She says she is here...and that she isn't going anywhere, but I am having a hard time trusting... Also, when she says these things she uses my name--she kept telling me things over and over again saying "Do you understand, ****?" "Am I making that clear, ****?" What was that all about?

I trust her to be there, but I am scared of getting too close. Does that make sense?

I'm am so glad that others have similar experiences I can share. It helps to feel a little less like something is wrong with me.

As for a nickname, please call me Elly. Thanks!

Elly -

quote:

I trust her to be there, but I am scared of getting too close. Does that make sense?

Yes, I think it will make perfect sense to everyone here. It seems odd to me too that she is saying you're "a little to attached" and trying to step down your sessions. I'm glad she's not rushing it and it's good to have a goal for more internal stability for the client, but that sort of statement is the type of thing that makes an attached client panic about the separation more, not less, from my experience. I don't know your background, but I think it is usually perfectly reasonable to have a hard time trusting and OK to take as much time as you need to do that. I really hope your T doesn't push you on that. My T consistently tries to slow me down, says it will just take experiencing him being safe over and over before I can actually really trust in that safety, that him just saying it doesn't mean anything.

I don't know what the "Do you understand" or "Am I making that clear" statements are about as I would just feel like my T thought I was dense if he said that to me. However, using your name, I think, can be really helpful if it's not overdone. My T says my name on occasion, not very often at all, and when he really wants my focus on something he's saying. We had a session go crisis level and I keep tuning him out, because I was in so much pain over something he did. In that session, a few times, he would say things like, "Yaku, please look at me. I am really sorry," because he felt like he went about something the right way. My sense is your T is probably just trying to say, "It is really important to me that you really 'hear' that I won't leave you and take it in as more than just another set of words that got said during this session." The times that my T says my names or my parts' names while directly talking to me, it feels very connecting, very intense, very close to me. If he did it too much, though, it would have no impact and just become annoying. I've gotten in the habit of just telling me when he does stuff that gets in the way of him communicating effectively with me, though. It makes things easier for the both of us.

Yaku and all,

I will be honest and say that I felt a little put off by her telling me that she's noticing that I am too attached to her, and then basically saying that we need to step down our sessions. I kind of get a sense that she's trying to move things along, like make me feel uncomfortable or ease me out of a period of "stability" that I had gotten myself in. I am not sure if that's what she's doing in an attempt to get my attachment issues out on the table. She knows I am attached to her, though. I'm scared that she will make it worse by forcing me through these issues. I email her, and tell her these things. I've been open about it before in session.

I do seem to get attached to older female role models, and she knows this. One of my goals was to work through this--maybe she's moving it along? I just hope that she's a good T. and I don't get hurt.

I told her I wanted to keep my two sessions a week. She told me no and told me that we can take our time, but eventually it will be once a week...and so on.

I feel scared that she's terminating me already. I am not done yet. I do feel rushed. Maybe I should be honest about that?

Also, she invited me to participate in some DBT skills training. But I can go to the session because of other commitments. I have not been diagnosed with any type of disorder as of yet, but I am wondering if she wants me to attend this session does she think that I am borderline? When I read about borderline, I can totally see things that reflect myself in the description, but I don't have any definitive answers. Anyone else borderline on this site? Maybe can shed some insight?

I feel like reaching out to her and calling her, emailing her just to fill some empty gaping whole inside of me. It's like a nervous tendency to feel good when she is near on the phone, in person, but when she is not I completely flip out and get panicky.

Oh, the joys of therapy. I'm still getting used to all of this.

Hi Brokenillusions and Yakusoku

quote:

Someone help me with attachment to T. Is it something that I should be experiencing? Does she want this to happen? Or is it something that I should run away from? I am scared.

I have been in therapy quite some time now and the transference issue has been bubbling away under the surface for at least a year before we've begun to address it directly in recent weeks. I too feel very scared and closeness is something I fear very much. I told my T I wished she was my Mum by text and by letter - it still took weeks (and an anxiety attack during a session) before I could say it out loud to her in person.

She was very understanding and compassionate, and explained some of the process for me which helped. She said its good I can attach to her because it will help us work on the stuff I didn't get when I was small and face up to my grief over this - its a bit like being re-parented.

While the explanation helped on an intellectual level (I am not good with feelings)I feel hugely scared, sad, angry and very confused. I know my T can't be my Mum but its the yearning that I find so hard.

My T is really consistent with my sessions and is available for out of session contact. This helps me feel safe but sometimes I feel my need/yearning is so huge I am scared it will swallow us both up. Then I get scared and want to run, its this see-saw between wanting to be close and running off that so is very difficult.
Also trusting that she isn't going to hurt me now I've told her all this.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit there. I'm not sure if any of this helps but I guess I wanted to say you're not on your own feeling this.

DA

I feel my need/yearning is so huge I am scared it will swallow us both up. Then I get scared and want to run, its this see-saw between wanting to be close and running off that so is very difficult.

WOW! This totally describes how I feel, DA. Seriously. If I had it my way, she would be with me 24 hours a day and nobody else could be her patient, friend, etc. LOL! I know that's not logical, but it's how I feel.

Also, I am in that stage between wanting to stay and wanting to go. If I run now, I wont be hurt worse than I already am. But, if I run then I will miss her too much.. If I stay, she can hurt me. Also, if I stay I will attach deeper.

It's such a confusing situation.

It does make me feel more at ease that others are experiencing this, too. PHEW. I thought, wait one second here...I am a married woman. I shouldn't be attaching myself to someone...let alone a woman... LOL. BUT, I get that this is somewhat of a regular occurrence in therapy.

Does you T. tell you to call her? email her? Have you even asked for a hug?

I HATE that I can't have a hug. That just sucks. I am a very touchy feel-y person so this has been driving me crazy.. BUT, I do understand the boundaries. Also, how does your T end sessions? She always ends it will asking me if I am okay. Then we kind of do this stupid silly dance with our eyes...and she waits for me to stand...pushes open the door, and keeps her distance as I walk out. It's kind of silly. I wish I could tape it and you could see how funny it is. I hate it, too. Why does she act so formal. I just bared my heart and soul out and she acts like she can't come within 1 foot of me without getting all weird about it. Grr. Makes me angry.

I go back and forth between LOVE and ANGER....quite a lot.

--Elly

Elly

I guess that's the thing about feelings they are not logical. (That's why I don't like them, LOL)
I so get that confusion. I am hugely lucky with my T in that she wants to help me with my attachment difficulties and has said it she will take as much time as I need for things to settle down.

My T occasionally asks me to text her after a particulary rough session to say how I am, I can also request a few minutes to speak on the phone if I feel I need it between sessions. I go through patches with this - sometimes I do when needed and sometimes I can't because it can make the yearning worse.
Occasionally I've gotten very upset during a session and sometimes she has held my hand or rubbed my back, it is always talked about afterwards and this was negotiated as something I could cope with after a diffcult session once. Normally I get a little pat on the shoulder as I leave the room after a session.
I did smile as you were describing your leaving routine. I imagine its very difficult for you if you've bared your heart and soul and then you feel your T is keeping her distance physically as you leave the room. I guess it is because of boundaries though. Doesn't make it any easier.

Hi Elly and Dizzy Alice... welcome to the boards.

I'm pressed for time now but I think it may be helpful if you do a search on this board for "attachment" as it has been discussed a lot. We all struggle with this so you are not alone and will find good support here.

I also want to mention that what you both describe... wanting to cling and wanting to flee (run) from your T's sounds to me like you have a disorganzied attachment. If you google this you can see if the description fits.

Elly --- you mention borderline...but also complex PTSD could fit what you struggle with. It shares some traits with borderline and some with complex PTSD are misdiagnosed.

I'll be back later to chat more... have to cook dinner and do family stuff now.

Happy to see you both posting and sharing.

TN