Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
4 replies

Transference/Identity

pippipippiMember
So I have been thinking about my last session with my P. It felt so amazing but really got me thinking about the transference and what is going on behind it and here what keeps coming into my mind. I wish I could go see my P right now and discuss this with him because I might forget or be in a different place when I do see him.

I was thinking back on my life and how starting at about 7 years old I started falling in love with every older guy that I got even a little bit close to. The first one was during the time I was getting sexually abused by my brothers. After that I can not remember a single older man that I wanted to have a relationship that did not involve these same feelings.

I am starting to think that it is part of my defenses. I was sexually abused by my father, uncle and other older men at a very young age. I feel like I would put my self in situations to fall in love with older men because at least then if they did abuse me I was asking for it and wanted. It couldnt hurt as much if it was something I wanted. I expected all older men to want to have sex with me so what better way to avoid getting hurt like I did in the past but to be in love with those men have it be something I really wanted.

I honestly dont think I know how to relate to older men that want to be close to me except for in this way. Another part of it is that I dont have to trust you to have sex with you. I can be close to you and feel some connection without having to really open myself up and trust anyone which is the thing I am most scared to do. I also get their approval because guys like sex whether its the best they had or the worst they had they like sex. So its an easy way to get their approval.

I think the feelings are even stronger with my P because I have known him for so long and he knows so much about me, but the truth is that he doesnt know the real me. I feel like I have all these walls build up that I have never let anyone get through and in the last session I let my P just peek over the wall and he didnt run away screaming and it felt good. I have never experienced that before. But at the same time its scary as hell.

And another part of me is saying that yes I do want that feeling again and I want it to stay but who am I if I am not the crazy psycho girl who falls in love with older men? If my P takes that away from than who am I? That is a scary thought because that is how everyone knows me and how I know myself. That is my identity and if I loose my identity then I am no one.

Luckily the fear is still less than the excitement of what happened in the last session so I am going to try to continue moving forward. But this is the stuff that has been going through my head today and I had to get it out since it will be three weeks before I get a chance to get it out in therapy.

I am not sure if any of it even makes sense cause sometimes my head just goes crazy on me and thinks make more sense inside my head than it does once its down on paper.
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Pippi,
I am relating really well to so much of what you're saying. While I don't think that the falling in love thing is as intense for me, I do have a tendency to eroticize ALL of my relationships with men. Our fathers are supposed to provide a safe relationship where we can learn to relate without sex being involved, more importantly, where someone else's needs (including for sex) don't intrude so that we can learn what our needs are and how to get them met. I believe because of what happened to you when you were younger that you believe that there is a definite price to be paid in order to have ANY relationship with ANY man and the coin you have to pay in is your willingness to have sex. I think, and please take or leave this as it rings true or not for you, that on a very deep level, you really believe that if sex isn't involved, then there's not a man who would stay near you. There's no such thing as freely given care and love. One of the most powerful phone calls I ever had with my T was being freaked out about losing him and him telling me I didn't have to hold on to him so tightly to keep him there, that the relationship was a gift and freely given. This confused me for a very long time, because in my mind, I HAD to pay a price to get even a resemblance of what I needed.

I also understand your fear about losing yourself or who you'll be if you stop feeling this way. I went through that when I finally realized that I had been living in fear my whole life. I was CONSTANTLY scared, all the time, about everything without even being conscious of it. As I thought about the fact that I didn't need to be scared all the time anymore, I remember looking at my T and saying "how can it be feel scary to think about NOT being scared?" and then I said to him, but I've been scared my whole life, I don't know who I'll be without the fear. And his answer was, and I offer to you also, you deserve to find out. You deserve to find out who you are when you have an ability to say no to a man about having sex, when you're body is not the coinage you use to obtain care or intimacy. I know it's scary, terrifying even, but it is possible to heal and I have a very deep faith that you'll like the person you become.

AG
pippipippiMember
AG- Thanks for the reply. You are right, I dont believe there is a man on this planet that would choose to be around me because he wants to be around me. I have never had a man that cared about me or loved me or even just liked me because I am me. I dont feel like I even deserve for someone to feel that way about me, so why should my P? He tells me all the time that its not the same with him and that he cares just because he cares and he doesnt want anything in return from me, but I have been told that by guys before but they would keep that lie going long enough just to get me to trust them so they could have sex with me. Thats what men want. I believe I am ugly, stupid,psycho and not good enough for anyone to love just because they choose to... I have to pay the price to make them love me and the price I pay is never good enough because eventually they are going to leave and find someone else who is better that will give them the same thing and then I am left all alone again.
On the other hand I am also saying to myself "what is wrong with my that my P doesnt even think about having sex with me like every other guy does? Am I just not good enough that the price I am willing to pay is not good enough for him? Am I really that ugly and disgusting and the one thing that could get all these other guys to at least want to be around me for a little while and to hold me in their arms and make me feel safe for a little while isnt even good enough for this man whom I love so much?" I dont know if I should discuss this part of it with my psychiatrist or not.

I get what you are saying about the fear because over the last few months I have been realizing that everything I do or dont do is not because I want to do it, its because I am afraid to do it or not to do it. I live my life based on fear and nothing else. Even though I hate that fear it is what I have known my whole life and I dont know how to live without it. It is scary to think about not being scared!

I just am not sure I even know where to go from here or what to talk about in the next session or even explain this to him if it is even important enough to talk to him about. And part of the other problem with that is I dont know what to talk about because just because it is important to me doesnt make it something important because I am not important. That is just how I feel about myself so why should he be interested in anything I am thinking of feeling because I am just someone who is worthless, stupid and ugly.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Pippi, I've been following your story with your P and I was so thrilled to hear how he responded to your request for a transitional object and gave you those rosary beads which obviously belonged to him for a long time and that you had seen in his office. This was a great connection back to him. My T gave me his pen when I asked for an object and then another time when I was scared because I had to leave him and go on vacation he gave me a little stuffed dog to take with me. I still have the dog and he said I could keep it. That little dog has helped me through some hard times.

As for what you have just written I wanted to let you know that you are NOT worthless, stupid and ugly and you do deserve respect and caring. I want to tell you that BECAUSE your P does not have sex with you actually means he cares MORE about you than anyone else you have had relationships with because he knows that to do that would be extremely harmful for you and would destroy this wonderful relationship you DO have with him. It would certainly be easier for him to give in and just go along with you like the others in your past, but he his holding boundaries to keep you SAFE and to show you that you are worth his time and caring even though he gets no sex in return. This is a very special caring because he is putting you first and above anything he may want. He is giving you unconditional love and care.

I think you should talk to him about anything that is troubling you or that is on your mind. It will help him to understand you better which will enable him to help you more. So yes, I think this is important. And I think he will too.

Hang in there Pippi... I can already see the progress you have made.

TN
pippipippiMember
TN- Thanks for the reply, it really did help. I think I am going to see about going to see my psychiatrist sooner to discuss this. I dont think unless we actually discuss it I am going to be worried about the reason why he wont have sex with me or give me even a chance. Even if I cant get in sooner I will see him two weeks from tomorrow and I cant wait until I get that chance.

Right now I am going back from being depressed and confused to excited about the things I am learning about myself.

And I really hope that you are right that he cares more about me than other men and that is the reason he wont give in. It does seem like it would be easier to just give into me and make me happy and feel good about myself cause he acts like he wants to be with me because its not that hard to have sex with someone whether you like them or not and he isnt married so that isnt an issue. So it must be harder to stand up to someone begging for this one thing, telling you it is what will make them happy and their life better and hearing this from them week after week and you to still be able to say "no its not happening." That to me seems like a really difficult thing to do, and maybe I feel that way because of all the abuse I went through, maybe its not as hard for him and the rest of the world. But maybe you are right that he just cares that much about me.

I guess I will find out when I ask him.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×