i guess the reason my sessions are so far apart is because my T comes to my little town only once per week. he's about an hour away the other days. he's just so busy i guess. i just will be glad to see him again wed, even though i'm already nervous about it...........

Hey everyone Hope all is well...I checked out the forum this afternoon at work and there was no new view...and then tonight there are at least 10...I'm glad, I love to keep up with you all...I can't wait until tomorrow!!!...Tuesday's is my favorite time of the week...I am nervous all ready...guess seeing my T does that for me...I love it. I really want to ask him if he will give me a hug...but I feel like he is being very cautious with boundries right now and may scold me...Isn't it funny how they can turn you on and make you want them whether they are bragging or fussing at you...He just turns me on period!!..My husband and I had a 30 year anniversary last week ...from the day we met...I have never cheated or wanted to cheat on him in 30 years...why is this happening now...I know I can't have my T...and it makes me want him that much more!! Have I totally lost it???...I'll let you know what happens tomorrow night...wish me luck!!...Charlotte

AJB

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Hope your T time goes well.

I drive an hour one way to see my T. Which BTW was so GOOD to see her again today. But let me tell you I am exhausted beyond words. It was a very heavy session with a lot of tears. I am so glad I went today and that I have tomorrow to work some more things through before I go into my weekly waiting ritual. Sometimes I wish I could see her every other day. Oh who am I kidding, I wish I could live with her dag nab it.

I will be waiting to hear how your session goes.

JM

So how did your session go today Charlotte?
I would reply more if I could type more. Sorry I am pooped! But I do want to know how it went for you.
JM

JM:
thanks for thinking of me. so glad your wait is finally over and that you had a good session today. i still have 22 hours to wait.

Hi all,

I have been suffering with transference for the last 3 weeks. It started with my T being unable to make my regular appointment (he gave me lots of notice and alternate times). First I said yes, then I called and cancelled because I was upset. The next day I called and said I was so upset and I wanted to come in. I describe it as I lack "emotional regulation". When he called me back, he no longer had the appointment time open so I had to wait 2 weeks between sessions.

So I got angry, angry he gave away the appointment time I said I didn't want (which is crazy), angry that he doesn't let me talk about the issues that I want to talk about (but I never mention), angry that he just won't fix me. I realized I don't want therapy, I want some magical parental figure who can fix me.

When I finally get to my appt last week I can't even talk. I manage to get out that I'm angry at him but I'm afraid if I express my anger he won't let me come back. So I sit in silence for 50min. with him trying to stimulate me to talk and me being too afraid. Later I start to worry that he will tell me he can't work with me because I won't talk to him. So now I feel caught, I can't express my feelings, I can't be silent. I can't figure out a way to be in a relationship with my T without ruining it. This is basically how I feel in my relationship with my mother who is quite narcissistic.

Of course intellectually I realize that this feeling is transference. I really have no reason to doubt my Ts ability to handle my feelings I just don't know because I haven't tried him. Tomorrow is my next appointment and I'm going to try and express some of my crazy, mixed up feelings about our relationship.

Wish me luck,

Good luck Incognito,

Sometimes we all wish our T’s could wave a magic wand and make everything all better. But your determination to stick with this relationship will pay off. It WILL work much better than a magic wand, but I’m afraid not as easily.

You are going through very normal feelings and reactions (even the anger) and your T won’t kick you out. Instead not only will you learn to work through the relationship you with your mother, but others as well. The struggle between left brain (intellectualism) and right brain (emotion) is another commonality we share here. Hang in there.

Hope all went well with your appointment.

JM

HEY EVERYBODY,
GOD I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME!!!!...I FEEL LIKE LIKE I'M DYING....I AM DEVESTATED BEYOND DEVESTAION!!!..MY T "TERMINATED" ME YESTERDAY!!..I NEVER GOT TO SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN HELLO...AND HE STRAIGHT OUT TOLD ME THAT HE HAD TO LET ME GO...THAT "OUR" RELATIONSHIP WAS GETTING IN THE WAY...CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???...I ABOUT DIED...I CRIED AND CRIED FOR 50 MINUTES BEGGING HIM TO GIVE IT A FEW MORE WEEKS...I TOLD HIM THAT I KNEW IT WAS JUST TRANSFERENCE AND THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE HIM...BUT THEN I WONDERED ON THE WAY HOME...DO YOU THINK IT WAS JUST TRANSFERENCE ON MY SIDE?? BECAUSE HE HAD TOLD ME THAT IF HIS FEELINGS EVER CHANGED (HE TOLD ME THAT DAY I CONFESSED TO HIM THAT HE COULDN'T RETURN THE FEELINGS) HE WOULD HAVE TO LET ME GO...I WAS DEVESTATED...I BEGGED AND BEGGED HIM...HE TOLD ME HE WOULD GIVE ME 2 OPTIONS... I SEE A THERAPIST SOMEWHERE ELSE (FEMALE ONLY)AND HE WOULD RECCOMMEND ONE... OR I SEE A THERAPIST THAT WORKS THERE IN THE OFFICE FOR HIM...(FEMALE ONLY) AND HE WOULD KEEP UP WITH MY SUCCESS AND SUPERVISE HER WORK..AND GET THIS..HE TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD CALL HIM TODAY TO MAKE SURE I WAS OKAY AND GIVE HIM MY ANSWER...I CRIED ALL NIGHT...TOOK 2 NOT 1 BUT 2 SLEEPING PILLS AND STILL WAS AWAKE AT 4:30AM...I DROVE AROUND FOR 5 HOURS LAST NIGHT AND DRANK 3 LARGE CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKES...THEY COMFORT ME DURING STRESSING TIMES...AND I HAVE HAD 1 TODAY...I TRIED TO POST THIS TO YOU LAST NIGHT, BUT I WAS TOO UPSET...MY TEARS WERE FLOWING ON THE KEYBOARD JUST LIKE THEY ARE NOW...I CALLED HIM THIS MORNING AND HE TOOK MY CALL RIGHT THEN (THAT NEVER HAPPENS) AND I TOLD HIM I WAS SORRY THAT MY FEELINGS CAUSED THIS AND HE SAID I WAS NOT TO BLAME...WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITHOUT HIM GUYS...THAT WAS MY WHOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE RIGHT NOW ...I CHOSE TO STAY WITH A THERAPIST IN HIS OFFICE SO THAT I COULD SEE HIM EVERY WEEK...I HOPE THAT WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE!! HE TOLD ME HE WAS GLAD I DECIDED TO DO THAT, BECAUSE IT SHOWED I WANTED HELP AND YESTERDAY I HAD TOLD HIM I WOULD NEVER GO TO ANOTHER THERAPIST TO BE KICKED TO THE CURB AGAIN...HE ASKED ME IF I TRUSTED HIM TO HELP ME..I TOLD HIM YES, THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I TOLD HIM MY FEELINGS. HE SAID HE WAS SO GLAD I DID, BUT HE HAD ALREADY PICKED UP ON IT, BUT I NEEDED TO TRUST HIM NOW. HE SAID HE WANTED TO KEEP ME SAFE AND HELP ME.....BUT HE HAD TO DO IT FROM THE SIDELINES...WELL MY BREAK IS OVER AND I GOTTA RUN...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE ANY SUGGESTIONS????...HE IS SUPPOSE TO CALL ME BACK TOMORROW WITH DETAILS...I AM SO STRESSED...IT WASN'T SUPPOSE TO GO LIKE THIS???? WHAT HAPPENED...I CAN'T EVEN HAVE TRANFERENCE CORRECTLY...I DO EVERYTHING WRONG...TALK TO YOU LATER...CHARLOTTE

Charlotte,

I am so so so sorry for what happened and how devastated you truly must be. But he did say it is not because you did anything wrong and he did give you some referrals to female therapists. As he understands the depth of your transference better than anybody else I think you should trust him, but I know how very difficult this is on you. I hope that you are able to get in to see another therapist very soon! Can it be this week? You need some interference on these intense emotions and someplace very safe to go. Charlotte what he is recommending is apparently for your protection and best interest. An act of love and kindness you may have never experienced before even though it is not what you want.

This is not your fault! It is not because you are "having transference wrong." It is because of his limitations as to which he is humbly and honestly admitting to -as he should.
A GOOD therapist only expressess unselfish love.

I am still here if you need to talk,

JM

Charlotte,
I totally agree with JM, this is NOT about you doing anything wrong. It took a great deal of courage and honesty to talk to your T about your feelings. From what you are saying about the options he has presented and how accessible he's being, I believe he's making this decision because he believes it's the best thing for you.

I can't emphasize enough that you are not doing anything wrong. You did what you were supposed to do which is go to therapy and be honest about yourself. I can only imagine what you're going through and how painful it is, but you'll get through. Please keep coming here and talking about how you feel, it really will help. We'll be here.

AG

Charlotte,
I agree with JM and AG, this was not your fault. It sounds to me like he is not equipped to deal with your feelings in a "safe" manner and that he MAY have taken advantage of your feelings at some point had you stayed his client, which would have been extremely damaging to you.

Do not blame yourself or abuse yourself in response to this situation. Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. Keep talking to us and getting it all out there.

I have to quote JM: "what he is recommending is apparently for your protection and best interest. An act of love and kindness you may have never experienced before even though it is not what you want. "

I'm so sorry Charlotte. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I hope you can learn how to not blame yourself with a new therapist as quickly as possible.

I am so sorry Charlotte that you feel so terrible. I can't imagine how I would feel if the same happened to me. Probably something very similar though. I believe it can be dangerous to underestimate how powerful transference can be. I think your T knows this and knows he isn't the one to help you through it. At least he is willing to help you find someone who can and will help you. The pain must be unbearable but don't let it be in charge. It's time to let left brain take over for a little while so you can get to a new T so you can have a safe place to experience this pain and not have to do it alone. I hope you find this comfort and safety and hopefully peace soon.

Hi incognito,
Sorry I didn't respond sooner to your post, but I missed it earlier.

I know how uncomfortable what you're feeling and going through is but believe it or not as confused as you feel right now and as irrational, you're doing the hard work of therapy. You're recognzing your feelings even when they feel irrational (Side note: Me to T: This is completely irrational. T to Me: Emotions often are. Rinse and repeart several hundred times.)

And of course it's hard to talk to him. There's a part of you that believes talking to him and being honest about your feelings is going to get you hurt and/or in trouble. And you believe that because it probably happened over and over when you were little. So actually you're reacting in a very rational, human way. You're trying to avoid being in pain. And that's where the hard work comes in, because moving closer in relationship is actually a healthy thing to do but you learned differently, so to move towards relationship, to talk to your therapist about how you feel is to have to walk into the middle of your fear with a significant (but primitive) part of your brain screaming at you that you're going in the wrong direction. And the amygdala isn't real sophisticated. My T has told me a quote from someone who's name completely escapes me at the moment, that the amygdala asks three basic questions when something comes into view: Do I eat it? Do I make love to it? or Do I flee from it? Not a lot of nuance. And the structure of our brain is such that the amygdala has BIG WIDE pathways going to our cortex and the cortex has weak small whispers going to the amygdala, so that when you're in danger you don't stop to argue, you get out. Of course, we then use our neocortex to come up with complicated explanations to explain why we're doing what we're doing, when really its just a basic flight reaction.

The getting angry, and turning down the appt (been there, done that) and then getting angry at the appointment being gone are ways of maintaining distance to "protect" yourself.

And you're really right about not knowing because you haven't tried him. The first time I got really angry at my T, I was really struggling to tell him how I felt because it felt so terrifying. I finally said to him, "I'm really scared if I get angry at you, then you'll leave." And he answered very gently, "there's only one way to find out, isn't there."

So I really believe you're doing the right thing and your T will be able to hear it without taking it personally. And you'll have the chance to see how you're feeling and work it through. Good luck, let us know how it goes!

AG

Thanks Guys, I have felt more concern through these posts than I have felt in a long time...but it still feels like my heart has been ripped out by a bear...I can't think, eat or sleep...I just keep calling his office to hear his voice on the machine...So much for managing my stress right? I don't know if I can talk to someone else about him...if I do I may just be hurt again...I wanna just go off somewhere and sleep for a few hundred years. Thanks so much for taking me in and making me feel like I had some people that actually care about me...and I know you all do...but I don't deserve any friends. This is what I get for falling for some old married man when I have one at home that I know loves me and takes care of me, even though he is having a tough time right now..I'll try to talk again soon, I just need some time to myself to deci=de if I really want another T or not...I'll be around, Charlotte

Charlotte,
Don't make me get out the HTML slapper and go upside your head! You are being WAY TOO HARD on yourself. (Trust me, I know, I have a doctorate in beating myself up.) This isn't a case of being unfaithful to your husband or you doing anything wrong. These feelings are an indication that you are looking for something you don't have or you wouldn't still be looking for it. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED FOR THESE FEELINGS. And despite how you feel, you are a worthwhile unique precious person who deserves all the friends, love, comfort and connection you can get; that is your birthright. Not getting those things as a child is the failure of your caretakers, not of you. You can feel like you are worthless all you want, it still isn't true.

And I understand how hard it must be to contemplate going to another T feeling the way you do right now and not wanting to risk more pain like this, but I really think that working with another T would give you a chance to look at this and work it through.

Take care,
AG

Hi Charlotte,

AG is right; “These feelings are an indication that you are looking for something you don't have or you wouldn't still be looking for it. You do not deserve to be punished for these feelings.” I’m going to say it straight up, your T is not punishing you, YOU are and you don’t deserve that. NOT dealing with your feelings is what will hurt you, Charlotte. It will cause more problems for you and possibly your marriage if you don’t. I know it must feel as if you’ve been punished and scolded in the worst way, but you’ve done NOTHING wrong. I hope that you will decide to see another T and straight up ask her if she is willing to stay with you because you feel you can’t risk that kind of hurt again. I kind of think that whomever your T has in mind to refer you to is someone who can commit to you the way you need her to. But you can always ask to make sure and I don’t blame you for that.

I worry for you because these feelings are too much for you to bear alone. I am glad that you are posting here and finding this kind of support, but I really hope that you will try to trust another therapist. The last thing you need is to have stayed with a T who may have hurt you more in the long run and perhaps violated the sanctity of the therapeutic relationship by giving in to your desires for him. As strongly as we feel for our T’s sexually, maternally, friendship or otherwise, it is NEVER ok for them to give in to that. It is not wrong for us to have these inclinations but it is NEVER ok for them to violate us by smudging the boundaries. No matter how much we wish they didn’t exist, boundaries are for our protection.

The fact that you had these feelings for a married man and contemplated the desires and fantasies that you had is no indication that you are a bad person, these very desires point to something much deeper than that, much more innocent than they appear and a good therapist will help you work through the underlying issues of transference.

I look forward to hearing from you “frequently” even if it is just to drop a quick line or two. Please let us know how you are doing.

(((safe hugs)))

JM

JM and AG,

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

I had my session last night and it went better. I was able to talk to him. We didn't discuss why I was angry we were able to talk about my anger in general, why I have trouble expressing it? what it would mean if I did? what it would mean if he couldn't deal with it?
As in why I would think he's and asshole and a bad T and go find a better one and why I would make it my fault and proof there was something wrong with me.

Neither of us used the word transference but he pointed out that I approach the relationship with him from the perspective of a child to a parent. You don't get to choose your parent, and you have to make it work at all costs, and if it doesn't it is your fault.

So a good session and my anxiety has dropped some but I imagine I have many more conversations about feelings in my future.

I look forward to the ongoing discussions,

Good for you Incognito! It sounds like you and your T were able to lay some really good groundwork for future discussions.