soulfuldaze -
I didn't experience erotic transference, but a best-friend type transference with my son's former T. I'm not too sure it really fit the exact definition of transference, but the emotions coming from it seem to be the same. I really wanted (and still want) a mutual relationship with her. I've always had trouble making friends, I moved to a new state almost three years ago and have no good friends, so she really filled the void for me in that area.
The trouble is, it couldn't be mutual, the boundaries intruded, and then when I was trying to get over it/work through it with her, for insurance and treatment plan reasons, we had to switch my son's therapist and I could no longer see her.
OW
Ok...thanks OW.
So it's phileo (brother to brother or friendship) type of love. I can certainly relate to that. In thinking about ending my long-term relationship with my T. I am experiencing that same type of problem. It's not that I want to be her "best friend" but I would like to have some kind of contact with her after termination. (On the other hand...If I were to actually sit down over a cup of coffee with her. I wonder what would I talk to her about? I know very little about her personal life. Maybe we have nothing in common to promote a friendship. hmmmm)
It sounds like what you really want to do is alter the power structure of your relationship. (This is probably my projection here.) We come to them for their expertise and then resent them for having it and owning it. Hmmmmm....
I think it's very hard for T's to contemplate changing the power structure in a therapy relationship and in fact some T's believe doing that contaminates the holding environment. So...the client no longer feels safe with the T. There are so many things a T has to consider before they alter the structure of the therapeutic milieu. I've had this discussion with my T more than once.
I have some issues with authority and continue working on that. Most of my abuse issues are attached to authority figures in my life. So, I am uncomfortable and resistant when I feel her assertion of power over me. It's hard to find a balance there.
SD
So it's phileo (brother to brother or friendship) type of love. I can certainly relate to that. In thinking about ending my long-term relationship with my T. I am experiencing that same type of problem. It's not that I want to be her "best friend" but I would like to have some kind of contact with her after termination. (On the other hand...If I were to actually sit down over a cup of coffee with her. I wonder what would I talk to her about? I know very little about her personal life. Maybe we have nothing in common to promote a friendship. hmmmm)
It sounds like what you really want to do is alter the power structure of your relationship. (This is probably my projection here.) We come to them for their expertise and then resent them for having it and owning it. Hmmmmm....
I think it's very hard for T's to contemplate changing the power structure in a therapy relationship and in fact some T's believe doing that contaminates the holding environment. So...the client no longer feels safe with the T. There are so many things a T has to consider before they alter the structure of the therapeutic milieu. I've had this discussion with my T more than once.
I have some issues with authority and continue working on that. Most of my abuse issues are attached to authority figures in my life. So, I am uncomfortable and resistant when I feel her assertion of power over me. It's hard to find a balance there.
SD
quote:Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
Hi Em...
I think what she is trying to do is let you know she has feelings for you too. Yes...it is counter-transference.
I think it's great that you threw a pillow at her!!! LOL...
Way to set your own boundary!!!That shows enormous strength, and possibly some anger about the referral?
Because you saw a reaction on her face...I think you have to talk to her about it and soon.
She is leaving to go to another job, dont know why or if i could possibly see her at her new job but it still is far too hard and i cant deal with it. Still have a lot to figure out about that.
Thats what i really wanted to know if ppl thought it was countertransference? it feels to me as if she is trying to blame my difficulty in accepting that she is leaving on some childhood traumas and my transference and abandonment issues. . . etc, when really its about her betrayal and misleading me, she was saying that she could help me until I didn't need her anymore and now shes changed all that because of another job.
It really comes back to expectations of the therapuetic relationship and what i need from her. I dont like the jugdements she has on me about this.
Its not transference when your angry and upset about the here and now only. I have maternal transference and i accept that when it is that, but this reaction is not about that.
edn of rant..
quote:
Its not transference when your angry and upset about the here and now only. I have maternal transference and i accept that when it is that, but this reaction is not about that.
end of rant..
Well...I have to agree with you on that. It sounds like you have good reason to be angry. Do you want to continue to see her? And if so, can you explore the possibility of seeing her at her new location?
I've had experiences both ways. I've moved with some T's. and I've also let some go. I've had 2 of them dump me in a hospital and disappear from my life. (One moved out of state...the other breached confidentiality and was afraid I would sue her...Oh...I wanted to talk to her, absolutely, but not sue her.) Ouch!!! That was not good. And not something I want to repeat that's for sure.
It will be interesting to hear how this all works out for you. It will be hard work for sure.
Please rant on.
thanks SD
It's great you understand.
I was extremly concerned about abandonment by She T for ages and She T told me that even if she couldn't see me there anymore she would work something out and she would not terminate therapy!
Now it happens that she gets a new job and She T said she is referring me
It's great you understand.
I was extremly concerned about abandonment by She T for ages and She T told me that even if she couldn't see me there anymore she would work something out and she would not terminate therapy!
Now it happens that she gets a new job and She T said she is referring me
Emerald: I'm really sorry to hear your T got a new job and is referring you on! Thats truly horrible.
And thanks to everyone else for your great support, I love reading the posts here
And thanks to everyone else for your great support, I love reading the posts here
OK, so opinions are needed. I wonder if this is part of the transference thing or if I would be feeling this way regardless.
A month or so ago, one of my best friends asked if she could see my T and would I mind. I said no and gave the #. I was slightly hesitant, but I knew she only has $500 coverage so it would be short term.
Since then she's seen him a few times, and today called me at work to tell me he's squeezed her in Thurs at 10am b/c he's leaving for Florida next week. She chatted about him, made some comments on his therapy style, said he commented that he's not surprised her and I are friends etc.
Well, This bugs me. My appt is ALSO on Thurs at 11am, so essentially me and my best friend will bypass each other in the waiting room.
I am NOT cool with that.
I do not like to mix my therapy life and social life.
So I phoned him, my T and left a message saying exactly that. That if he can reschedule, cool, but if not, I will see him in 2 weeks when he's back.
I KNOW he won't reschedule her....her coverage runs out this week (oh..she got fired too), but I've been seeing him a YEAR and she's seen him twice, I hate that I had to be the one to miss out.
I also haven't mentioned to my g/f that I'm not happy with her seeing him now, I don't think she'd get it. She thought she should wait around for me to finish my appt and we'd do lunch. frig that.
So I'm anxiously awaiting him to call me back, probably tomorrow at work. I'm so upset I wont' see him this week I feel like bawling, and I"m so upset that he's getting along with her so well. She's really cute and pretty and skinny and perfect. Man magnet.
I should have NEVER given her his #.
Anyhow, thanks for the vent. I'm feeling horrid.
A month or so ago, one of my best friends asked if she could see my T and would I mind. I said no and gave the #. I was slightly hesitant, but I knew she only has $500 coverage so it would be short term.
Since then she's seen him a few times, and today called me at work to tell me he's squeezed her in Thurs at 10am b/c he's leaving for Florida next week. She chatted about him, made some comments on his therapy style, said he commented that he's not surprised her and I are friends etc.
Well, This bugs me. My appt is ALSO on Thurs at 11am, so essentially me and my best friend will bypass each other in the waiting room.
I am NOT cool with that.
I do not like to mix my therapy life and social life.
So I phoned him, my T and left a message saying exactly that. That if he can reschedule, cool, but if not, I will see him in 2 weeks when he's back.
I KNOW he won't reschedule her....her coverage runs out this week (oh..she got fired too), but I've been seeing him a YEAR and she's seen him twice, I hate that I had to be the one to miss out.
I also haven't mentioned to my g/f that I'm not happy with her seeing him now, I don't think she'd get it. She thought she should wait around for me to finish my appt and we'd do lunch. frig that.
So I'm anxiously awaiting him to call me back, probably tomorrow at work. I'm so upset I wont' see him this week I feel like bawling, and I"m so upset that he's getting along with her so well. She's really cute and pretty and skinny and perfect. Man magnet.
I should have NEVER given her his #.
Anyhow, thanks for the vent. I'm feeling horrid.
Oh, travelluvr I SO understand how you feel. You are jealous. But why on earth would you give that "man magnet" your T's number and tell her it's okay?? You are a better woman that I am for sure I honestly would never recommend my T to a friend because I would just feel too weird about it. Especially since I know how I feel about him and I'm terribly jealous of his other patients... even if they are old stooped and gray-haired men
There is a better solution and you can discuss this with your T when he calls you. Ask him to make sure her appointment is strictly 45-50 minutes and she is out of there before you arrive. You arrive exactly at your appointment time and will miss her. (Why should you give up an appointment that you truly need and you are also the long term relationship with him. Unless... are you trying to avoid talking about transference with him? We can come up with all kinds of reasons to avoid our T's when scary stuff is bubbling up inside of us.) All you have to tell your T is that you feel uncomfortable seeing your friend leave as you arrive for your session. He will understand this. Then tell your friend that lunch will have to wait for another day because you need to be alone after your session to "process" or that you have another appointment for lunch that day.
Please don't stress over comparisons of her to yourself. You are you which is wonderful and special. And nothing is going to happen between your friend and your T...it can't... so put that out of your mind.
So please don't be upset. I know it's hard enough when our T's go on vacation or we can't see them for a few weeks so don't add this to your worries.
Keep us posted on this.
TN
I honestly would never recommend my T to a friend because I would just feel too weird about it. Especially since I know how I feel about him and I'm terribly jealous of his other patients... even if they are old stooped and gray-haired men There is a better solution and you can discuss this with your T when he calls you. Ask him to make sure her appointment is strictly 45-50 minutes and she is out of there before you arrive. You arrive exactly at your appointment time and will miss her. (Why should you give up an appointment that you truly need and you are also the long term relationship with him. Unless... are you trying to avoid talking about transference with him? We can come up with all kinds of reasons to avoid our T's when scary stuff is bubbling up inside of us.) All you have to tell your T is that you feel uncomfortable seeing your friend leave as you arrive for your session. He will understand this. Then tell your friend that lunch will have to wait for another day because you need to be alone after your session to "process" or that you have another appointment for lunch that day.
Please don't stress over comparisons of her to yourself. You are you which is wonderful and special. And nothing is going to happen between your friend and your T...it can't... so put that out of your mind.
So please don't be upset. I know it's hard enough when our T's go on vacation or we can't see them for a few weeks so don't add this to your worries.
Keep us posted on this.
TN
Update: My T moved my friends appt to Friday and kept me for Thurs at our regular time. He called me at home tonight, 6pm. Chatted for 13 minutes. He asked me how I felt about it and I was totally honest and said I wished I had never given him her number. He said he hadn't encountered this issue before but he totally understands.
He said I need to tell her not to talk to me about him. I need to set those boundaries.
He also mentioned that he thinks she won't be going there 'for too much longer'.
sigh...so happy he called and all is well in the world......today
He said I need to tell her not to talk to me about him. I need to set those boundaries.
He also mentioned that he thinks she won't be going there 'for too much longer'.
sigh...so happy he called and all is well in the world......today
travellur -
I'm happy your T called and you worked things out. I know I would not be able to handle a friend going to see my T, and there are no transference issues with my current T.
I totally agree and think those boundaries would be very reasonable.
OW
I'm happy your T called and you worked things out. I know I would not be able to handle a friend going to see my T, and there are no transference issues with my current T.
quote:He said I need to tell her not to talk to me about him. I need to set those boundaries.
I totally agree and think those boundaries would be very reasonable.
OW
travelluvr
I SO understand. I will never recommend my T to ANYONE!! She is MINE!!!!!! I would probably claw my friend's eyes out over this.
OK, I guess that would be a little violent. Anyway, you get the idea.
Glad it worked out for you instead of her. My T has a back door for just this very situation.
PL
I SO understand. I will never recommend my T to ANYONE!! She is MINE!!!!!! I would probably claw my friend's eyes out over this.
OK, I guess that would be a little violent. Anyway, you get the idea.Glad it worked out for you instead of her. My T has a back door for just this very situation.
PL
travelluvr I'm so glad it worked out and that your T was very accommodating to you. He sounds like he is committed to preserving a good therapeutic relationship with you. And, yes, definitely tell her to keep her sessions private and not to discuss them with you.
Good luck on Thursday and let us know what happens.
TN
Good luck on Thursday and let us know what happens.
TN
So, last night shortly before bed this girlfriend of mine that is seeing my T was chatting on Facebook with me. She says things like "therapy rocks" and a few other inappropriate comments, therapy is hard, its deep, its hardly fun.
Then she commented that my T 'must totally think I'm hot and get a kick out of me, I had him laughing the whole time'.
OH MY GOD> Thank GOD it was internet chat, I would have clawed her eyes out.
So I bawled, I've hardly slept. I'm actually going to ask him not to offer her discounted sessions after Friday in fact, I will be honest and say I'd like if he just stopped seeing her. Make an excuse. She won't pay the full amount so maybe if he won't budge in price she won't go back. I'm going to tell him what she said and why it made me feel horrid.
I hate her today.
She has NO idea the relationship I've had with him for a year, and in 2 sessions she's making comments like this. Oh and she said "His birkenstocks and socks SO have to go".
Um, F-off biotch. Thats just him.
I'm miserable, i have to go to work now and I'm going to have to take Lorazepam just to function. Nice. I can't believe I gave her his number. F****
Then she commented that my T 'must totally think I'm hot and get a kick out of me, I had him laughing the whole time'.
OH MY GOD> Thank GOD it was internet chat, I would have clawed her eyes out.
So I bawled, I've hardly slept. I'm actually going to ask him not to offer her discounted sessions after Friday in fact, I will be honest and say I'd like if he just stopped seeing her. Make an excuse. She won't pay the full amount so maybe if he won't budge in price she won't go back. I'm going to tell him what she said and why it made me feel horrid.
I hate her today.
She has NO idea the relationship I've had with him for a year, and in 2 sessions she's making comments like this. Oh and she said "His birkenstocks and socks SO have to go".
Um, F-off biotch. Thats just him.
I'm miserable, i have to go to work now and I'm going to have to take Lorazepam just to function. Nice. I can't believe I gave her his number. F****
travelluvr, i might be way off the mark here, so if i am i'm sorry...
but - she sounds dead jealous of your relationship with your t, and perhaps worried she might never experience something of depth like you do. not an excuse for her being such a jerk tho.
but - she sounds dead jealous of your relationship with your t, and perhaps worried she might never experience something of depth like you do. not an excuse for her being such a jerk tho.
Um, yeh, I'd be a little aggravated with that chat as well. Can you tell her NOT to talk about your T with you? You know the good thing about Facebook chat? It's not very dependable and you can easily pretend Facebook cut you off right in the middle of chatting, and just don't respond.
You have to remember this is her talking and not your T. Your T sounds very warm and accommodated you in this situation, not her. So give him the benefit of the doubt until you talk to him.
OW
PS - SongBird may have a point.
You have to remember this is her talking and not your T. Your T sounds very warm and accommodated you in this situation, not her. So give him the benefit of the doubt until you talk to him.
OW
PS - SongBird may have a point.
Travelluvr,
I can tell you one thing right now I don't share my T with anybody! Yeah, first come first serve, you were there first, she's gotta go. You need this relationship with your T and she needs to find another T. It is that simple.
I know a couple of people who used to see my T and I wont discuss her with them. That would be like sibling rivalry x 100,000,000! I know she is a newbie to the world of therapy (Anyone who thinks it rocks has to be a newbie) But she is way out of line with her comments and I'd let her know it, but seriously you are right...tell your T this won't work. He should understand and refer her to someone else far far away.
I am sorry she did that to you. I can imagine how upset you must be and you have every right to be.
JM
I can tell you one thing right now I don't share my T with anybody! Yeah, first come first serve, you were there first, she's gotta go. You need this relationship with your T and she needs to find another T. It is that simple.
I know a couple of people who used to see my T and I wont discuss her with them. That would be like sibling rivalry x 100,000,000! I know she is a newbie to the world of therapy (Anyone who thinks it rocks has to be a newbie) But she is way out of line with her comments and I'd let her know it, but seriously you are right...tell your T this won't work. He should understand and refer her to someone else far far away.
I am sorry she did that to you. I can imagine how upset you must be and you have every right to be.
JM
hi guys:
sorry i've been away for awile. too many classes this semester for an old woman. haha. i'm a fruitcake today. i told you that we ended my sessions last month cause i was doing so good. i know there will stil be bad days and all, but...here goes:
I so freaking mad that my T never treated me the way you all talk about yours!!he would be all concerned one day, then at my next session it was like i was sitting there with my parents after i'd done something wrong!!! so what's up with that? and why do i care now? because the transference issue apparently doesn't go away when the sessions are over!!!i feel so stupid and so childish right now. can't believe i'm even posting this. i spoke with my T this week (about another client appt, not about me) and all THIS JUNK has surfaced just from that one little has-nothing-to-do-with-me chat!!! i feel like such a LOSER!!! why do i still feel like this? and when will it GO AWAY??????
sorry i've been away for awile. too many classes this semester for an old woman. haha. i'm a fruitcake today. i told you that we ended my sessions last month cause i was doing so good. i know there will stil be bad days and all, but...here goes:
I so freaking mad that my T never treated me the way you all talk about yours!!he would be all concerned one day, then at my next session it was like i was sitting there with my parents after i'd done something wrong!!! so what's up with that? and why do i care now? because the transference issue apparently doesn't go away when the sessions are over!!!i feel so stupid and so childish right now. can't believe i'm even posting this. i spoke with my T this week (about another client appt, not about me) and all THIS JUNK has surfaced just from that one little has-nothing-to-do-with-me chat!!! i feel like such a LOSER!!! why do i still feel like this? and when will it GO AWAY??????
(((((AJB))))) <--That's cause I missed you and it's good to hear from you.
(((((AJB))))) <--That's because I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.
You know what i think about transeference? .................................................. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what I think about therapy rigt now? ............................................................ IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that's out of the way I am not surprised that transference doesn't just go away when your sessions end. At least not this soon, though I don't blame you for wanting them too. Are you sure it is transference, or are you just grieving? (Both?) I mean you're going to miss him, because this is a big shift. It is also possible that you're not as done as you thought you were. Perhaps there is more you need to work on in your attachment process. In case you didn't catch this before, but a year ago I was in the process of terminating my therapy because we thought I was in a good place and so we started the process as fr as talking about it and summing up my progress and reviewing some issues to see how they impatced me at the time. Every thing went accordingly...check, check, good, check. And then KABOOM! Intense grief and fear over took me and my T ended up saying something like "Attachment is your biggest trauma."
Sorry to be so depressing and discouraging. I hope that I am not. But I am quite melancoly myself right now, but I could not stop myslef from replying to you either. Feel free to use the good ol HTML slapper on me if you need to. You do still know how to use that now don't you?
Anyway, I hear your frustration. But AJB, it's ok to be where you are and feeling all of those feelings. It's ok to go back for a refresher session now and then...little booster sessions. That would have been in my termination plan. This is YOUR call. Tell him what YOU need, not what you think he wants to hear.
And stop calling my friend a loser! You're not a loser.
JM
(((((AJB))))) <--That's because I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.
You know what i think about transeference? .................................................. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what I think about therapy rigt now? ............................................................ IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that's out of the way I am not surprised that transference doesn't just go away when your sessions end. At least not this soon, though I don't blame you for wanting them too. Are you sure it is transference, or are you just grieving? (Both?) I mean you're going to miss him, because this is a big shift. It is also possible that you're not as done as you thought you were. Perhaps there is more you need to work on in your attachment process. In case you didn't catch this before, but a year ago I was in the process of terminating my therapy because we thought I was in a good place and so we started the process as fr as talking about it and summing up my progress and reviewing some issues to see how they impatced me at the time. Every thing went accordingly...check, check, good, check. And then KABOOM! Intense grief and fear over took me and my T ended up saying something like "Attachment is your biggest trauma."
Sorry to be so depressing and discouraging. I hope that I am not. But I am quite melancoly myself right now, but I could not stop myslef from replying to you either. Feel free to use the good ol HTML slapper on me if you need to. You do still know how to use that now don't you?
Anyway, I hear your frustration. But AJB, it's ok to be where you are and feeling all of those feelings. It's ok to go back for a refresher session now and then...little booster sessions. That would have been in my termination plan. This is YOUR call. Tell him what YOU need, not what you think he wants to hear.
And stop calling my friend a loser! You're not a loser.
JM
JUST ME:
thanks so much for responding. i needed to hear it--anything right now. sorry you're having a hard time in your therapy. i wish i knew how to help you.
i WANT to go back so badly, but i just don't think i can. he will think i'm SOOO stupid! i don't even know what to say. we don't talk like you guys do with your therapists i don't think. i mean, what the heck is attachment? he never brought up anything like that!!! i mentioned the transference, but sort of pushed it aside, mostly because it was so embarrassing. he didn't push the issue. i mean, isn't he supposed to make me face it to get to the bottom of it or something? i don't think he even cares. he didn't return my call that ONE time i called him. he knows i got very angry about that because i told him, but he never mentioned it again after that one session. i still don't know why he didn't return my call. all i know is that i must've not been worth the effort. i guess that is why he was so eager to get rid of me so he did not think i needed another scheduled appointment. i guess he didn't want to see me again. and i had decided to ask about termination that day before the session anyway, so i agreed. but he didn't even act interested. like ok, well have a nice life or something!!!
i am acting like such a cry baby today i know. and i AM crying, believe me. it hurts so much! i don't even know what hurts!! something just does.
a collegue of mine saw him today (per my suggestion) and i am so freaking jealous and upset!!! what is wrong with me?? i am NOT some desperate, needy, crazy person, REALLY!!! so, what gives here???
thanks for letting me vent. i might've exploded if i hadn't. haha. and i'm not so sure i'm finished, but that is all for now.
thanks so much for responding. i needed to hear it--anything right now. sorry you're having a hard time in your therapy. i wish i knew how to help you.
i WANT to go back so badly, but i just don't think i can. he will think i'm SOOO stupid! i don't even know what to say. we don't talk like you guys do with your therapists i don't think. i mean, what the heck is attachment? he never brought up anything like that!!! i mentioned the transference, but sort of pushed it aside, mostly because it was so embarrassing. he didn't push the issue. i mean, isn't he supposed to make me face it to get to the bottom of it or something? i don't think he even cares. he didn't return my call that ONE time i called him. he knows i got very angry about that because i told him, but he never mentioned it again after that one session. i still don't know why he didn't return my call. all i know is that i must've not been worth the effort. i guess that is why he was so eager to get rid of me so he did not think i needed another scheduled appointment. i guess he didn't want to see me again. and i had decided to ask about termination that day before the session anyway, so i agreed. but he didn't even act interested. like ok, well have a nice life or something!!!
i am acting like such a cry baby today i know. and i AM crying, believe me. it hurts so much! i don't even know what hurts!! something just does.
a collegue of mine saw him today (per my suggestion) and i am so freaking jealous and upset!!! what is wrong with me?? i am NOT some desperate, needy, crazy person, REALLY!!! so, what gives here???
thanks for letting me vent. i might've exploded if i hadn't. haha. and i'm not so sure i'm finished, but that is all for now.
Does this happen to you guys? I come here to post something that's going on with me, and I get ready to post and lo and behold, it's already here, almost the exact same issue.
I emailed my son's former T with a small update about my son's new therapy and a question for her about something unrelated. I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks and while I knew I missed her, it hit me like a ton of bricks again when I got her email back. The response was nothing special, just basically an answer to my question and thanking me for updating her and hoping things go well, but I can't stop thinking about the email and her now. I keep re-reading it and analyzing every line. And I have this (almost) uncontrollable urge to email her back and fill her in on everything going on in my life and how hard it is not being able to talk to her.
It's been more than a month. MAKE IT STOP!!
Yep, I've felt this way for awhile too but haven't said it. (Well, except I don't get mad - a whole other post - so I'm not mad, but extremely jealous!)
So I agree with JM, you are not a loser! It does feel like grieving to me and I guess everyone does it in their own time.
OW
I emailed my son's former T with a small update about my son's new therapy and a question for her about something unrelated. I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks and while I knew I missed her, it hit me like a ton of bricks again when I got her email back. The response was nothing special, just basically an answer to my question and thanking me for updating her and hoping things go well, but I can't stop thinking about the email and her now. I keep re-reading it and analyzing every line. And I have this (almost) uncontrollable urge to email her back and fill her in on everything going on in my life and how hard it is not being able to talk to her.
It's been more than a month. MAKE IT STOP!!
quote:I so freaking mad that my T never treated me the way you all talk about yours!!
Yep, I've felt this way for awhile too but haven't said it. (Well, except I don't get mad - a whole other post - so I'm not mad, but extremely jealous!)
So I agree with JM, you are not a loser! It does feel like grieving to me and I guess everyone does it in their own time.
OW