I did it.
I told him. OMG was that scary. I was a mess. I was so nervous I was shaking and my hands were sweating. I tried about 5 times and he knew I was trying to say something. At one point I even said 'guess'. He said he had NO idea,.
So, I just said that I am feeling concerned about our sessions ending soon, and that I have a strong emotional attachment to him, and I admitted that I think about him sometimes maternally, like if its storming out and I know he's driving home (lives in another city) and how sometimes I feel like a 2 yr old and I want to cling on to him for dear life.
At that point he started to talk.
He said he understands. He understands that sometimes I would feel like I'm 2, 8, 12 or 18 years old.
It was an awkward moment, I kept my head down, face in hands. He said he was OK with it, and he agrees that we have developed a strong emotional bond, and he was glad I told him.
I did make a flip comment like
"you provide a service and hardly expect you to really give a shit about what goes on in my life" (which of course was my way of seeking approval)
but he took the hook, and he said that he did in fact care, and he is often worried about me, AND..the best part...is that when my sessions end he is willing to see me free of charge, that the association expects them to do SOME pro-bono work.
SO...I feel like 20 pounds has been lifted off of me. I didn't say 80% of what I wanted to say, but its out there now. And he was SO good.
Of course I wanted to hug him or such, but he is very clear with those boundaries.
He's off to Florida with the fam next week, so I have 2 weeks until I see him again, and I can't wait.
Thanks EVERYONE for so many good tips. It helped. Its going to be a long journey.
xo

Hi Questing. My Therapist told me once that "you need to be dependant before you can be independant."

I think that its hard to be dependent or preoccupied with our therapist but its probably a necessary part of growth in therapy. I'm not preoccupied with my therapist but i know that there are a lot of people that are and it truly is ok!

Thats great Travelluvr! Its really important that you had that discussion and its great that it turned out good for you.

My therapist hugs me and touches me i didn't realise some people had boundaries about touch.

quote:

I didn't say 80% of what I wanted to say, but its out there now. And he was SO good.

travelluvr

But you said 20% and that is awesome!! Just know that it may be a very long time before all 100% comes out. You can only take so much at a time. I told my T a few months ago, and thought "ok, that's that - I should be done with those feelings now." WRONG!

Today I went through the whole "what will I do if I get better and can't see you anymore?" thing. I am thinking that I am sabotaging myself because I'm so afraid of losing her. It was so hard to tell her this today, and she knew it and accepted it. Well, she said that when it comes time for that, she will have to be very careful to prepare me for it and make it a smooth transition. God I love that woman!!!

So my point is travelluver, even though I have been seeing her for over 2 years, I'm still not anywhere close to the 100%. I'm glad you had the courage and he accepted it and you are feeling better.

PL

travelluvr -

I'm so glad you were able to talk about it and that he was accepting. And at least you don't have to worry now about your sessions ending before you get the other 80% out.

Questing -

Welcome! I had a hard time with dependence on a T too, I probably still would but I have a new T and don't yet feel dependent on her. Anyway, I learned growing up not to be dependent on anyone, so when I found myself depending on her so much, it was really uncomfortable for me, and wonderful at the same time because not only did I depend on her, but she was dependable! Something I'm really NOT used to. If you can work with this kind of relationship with your T, I think it can be a really good thing, just like AG said.

OW

Hi guys!
Charlotte checking in to say hello and give you an update on my "Party Wagon"..LOL!! i have had an awesome week!! I have been doing great in my therapy, having some medical things still going on with my head...(In more ways than one!!) ...but I am a little concerned about some thoughts that have run through my mind this week....My question is how do you know when you are beginning to pass your transference from your T (and you all know the story of how I was referred to a female T after telling Mr. T about my feelings) to a person that is not a T??? I am having massage therapy for my headaches, and counseling with my pastor on some issues as well as my therapy with Ms. T (Who by the way is great and really helping me)....this is the first time I have felt worth 50 cents in a long time....BUT...BUT....I feel good when talking to my preacher (Marital counseling without my hubby who will not go) and feel even better when getting the massages 2 times a week...Oh my goodnesss...those thoughts...and those hands...and they are both georgeous and my age to boot!!! Am I a total screw up...or just a big slutty whore??? ...I have been writing a letter this week to my old Mr. T Thanking him for referring me out to someone else, and that I feel like I am getting over him fairly well...(But he still looks hot... to me when I pass him...and i still get that rush of addreneline...but it is no where near the same effect it has been)...Do I just need to leave my husband and join the "Sisters of Mercy" somewhere??? LOL...What is going on???...come on JM....AG...OW....And all my other friends out there...give me some pointers...I can't live thru this again, and the transference objects (if that's what they are)are getting much closer home!!
Talk to you soon, C

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. My T is dependable too, OW, that's what caused the preoccupied attachment. I'm not use to the consistance she provides and I find it hard to trust. And I will talk to her about my dependancy fears, she will be receptive to the conversation. Thanks AG, that was a very sensible suggestion, I can't believe I over looked the obvious. I didn't relize exactly how stressed I felt until I posted my first note and I cried. Thank you for your support.
Questing

Hi Charlotte,
I'm glad you are having a great week! FYI: Since I'm new here, I did a little "background reading" in some of your older posts so I could gain some perspective on what you posted about tonight. I am glad things are going well for you and that your female T is helping so much- looks like your old T made the right decision for you.

Well, as my name suggests, I have had multiple transference experiences with various people. It began happening when I was in Jr. High... I started young! Since then, I have transferred the transference (lol... hope that makes sense) upwards of ten times. I have definitely felt the

quote:

Am I a total screw up...or just a big slutty whore???

feelings before because most of my experiences have involved sexual aspects (fyi, all of mine have been for older women and I am a heterosexual female). I am currently in therapy, going on 10 months, and she is my most recent obsession.

From what I have been through and what I am currently learning, my suggestion for you would be to tell your current T about these new feelings you are having for other people. Obviously, there are reasons we do what we do and that we fall for who we fall for. Looking into that and analyzing your motives with your T might help you to understand what it is about these current people that is drawing you in. I guess I'm just saying that these transference experiences are bound to keep consuming you until you can isolate why they are manifesting. Also remember that having someone focus all of their time and energy on you (i.e. pastor, massage T, T) just plain feels good. And when you aren't used to feeling good, it can be OVERWHELMING!

I hope that these new people can be opportunities that you can expand on with your T to further your journey and understanding of yourself. My T always says that she is just a mirror reflecting whatever me and my thoughts/feelings are projecting. That analogy always helps me to realize that when I am in a new relationship with a proverbial blank slate, what I see that is going on is most likely an illustration of something originating from within me. Hope that helps.

P.S.- I think it is cool that you are writing and thanking your old T. I know he will be glad to know that you are satisfied and that you feel he made the right move.

quote:

Originally posted by Questing:
I didn't relize exactly how stressed I felt until I posted my first note and I cried. Thank you for your support.
Questing

Welcome to the forum Questing, We are all here to tell our stories and give support, sometimes seeing our stress written down can affect us more.

My T isnt always dependable but i still feel very attached to her.

Chronically Transferred I have had transferece feelings towards my fitness instructor, I thought i was going crazy, When i first read that its not always a Therapist that people experience transferece towards i felt very relieved. By the way welcome to the forum.
Em

Questing

First of all, let me say hi and welcome to a great forum. I'm glad you feel comfortable and that posting here is helping you to get some of your feelings out. We all value the fact that we can be heard and understood here. So, post away! As you will find out, we all also have an opinion about everything. But, that is a good thing. I have gotten amazing advice and strength from these friends here.

PL

Hello Questing,
I wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forum as I have not had an opportunity to do so yet. I am glad you are finding the support you need here and I am glad you are feeling so free to speak about your feelings here. And yes, this is an excellent place to feel understood.
JM

Thanks, C. Transferred,
Seems like you have been down the road...a few times! By the way, welcome to our forum! Hope that you will keep posting, it seems that you have a level head about you. I have been thinking about my post the last few days, and I really don't think I am transferring to other people. I think it was the pain medications talking more than my heart! I am going to back off both men for a little while and see what happens! I am facing surgery soon..(I find out Monday) and I can't be caught up in this too! I appreciate your words...they were awesome...and it did get me to thinking about things!...I hope to talk to you again soon!...C

AG,
I had to wait a week, but I took your suggestion and talked to my T about how uncomfortable I feel allowing myself to feel dependent on her. It actually started a great discussion about the different levels of dependency we all have on people in our lives.
She told me it was alright to depend on her. I told my T I have a fear that she will terminate with me if I'm dependent on her. She said she would not terminate with me unless termination was something I brought up and we talked about it.
Thanks!
Questing

quote:

Originally posted by River:


About erotic transference - #1 - Falling in love with the therapist

About erotic transference - #2 - Acting on erotic transference/ countertransference

Transference - by our own Shrinklady

Hi all, I just wanted to thank you for the linkage and let you know that my site has moved. You can now find these posts and a number of others about transference and the therapeutic relationship at http://behindthecouchblog.blogspot.com http://behindthecouchblog.blogspot.com

I hope everyone is well.

All the best

BTC

Thanks BTC for the links, I was just reading through your blog, some great stuff there.

Transference is a real pain in the butt! This is my first year experiencing it to this extent, but also the first year I've had a male psychologist.

He's been gone on holidays, so it will be 2 weeks since I've seen him and confessed my transference issues with him. Oddly enough, I feel so much lighter, better. I'm no obsessing over him nearly as much. Time does seem to help! I'm sure that once I'm back I'll have the 'post therapy' thoughts for a good 48 hrs. Seems to be the pattern.
I am hoping it fades. It's been exhausting.

curious how the rest of you have been doing this week.......
-travelluvr

I'm just sick...

I have been shaken to the core re: Dr. X and his prior behavior towards me that seemed out of context and slightly inappropriate. I always discounted it because I needed a man that I could trust in my corner after having been traumatized by a male doctor I was supposed to have been able to trust to take care of me. I can't trust Dr. X, either...I'm nauseated, I don't trust myself now as far as being a good judgment of character and I've been using his "concern" for me as a source of strength and I can no longer do that. His "concern" was motivated by sex, not a human concern for me.

I read "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" and it perfectly describes what has been happening between Dr. X and I, the "grooming" behavior.

Meanwhile, the investigation into the doctor who traumatized me is now closed and he was found to not have been negligent and not to have violated standard of care. I'm sick over that, too, even though it was the outcome I expected.

This triggered my PTSD; I nearly elbowed a grocery store clerk in the face the other night when she came up close behind me unexpectedly, plus, whenever someone would come near me, my heart would race and I would feel threatened. Then I had a panic attack at work for no obvious reason.

I'm a mess.

Hi Sprinting: That sounds all so horrible.
Can you stop seeing Dr. X immediately?? I really think you should. Cancel all future appointments. Perhaps look into only using a female therapist in the future to keep yourself safe.
We have a licensing college of physicians here that would take a complaint if necessary ....however it sounds like you've been down that road and may not want to go that route again.

I can understand that your trust has been shattered and it would be a PTSD trigger for most...me included. What a bastard. Maybe calling him up and telling him right off on his voicemail or something would help?
I do'nt know the history. I just know you need to never go there again. Be safe.

Dr. X is my oncologist. I have no appointments with him scheduled; I am supposed to do follow up with him in early summer. I could easily change doctors but the thought of seeing someone who isn't familiar is really scary to me at the moment.

I have a T; she is female.

There is no point in making a complaint because what has happened would easily be explained away, which is what I had been doing myself in justifying it. Besides, I have said so many good things about him to so many people that could easily be used against me

I feel like such an idiot, for explaining away those out of context things, for only wanting to see that he was trying to help me...because I was so desperate for someone to help me, to try to understand what I had been through. He seemed to understand. I never told my T what he said and did and now I feel terrible about going back and telling her that many months back this happened and I just never mentioned it. I also don't want her to lodge a complaint against him based on what I said. I just can't go there. I only wanted to see the good. I couldn't see anymore bad, I just could not bear it. I still want to explain it away.

When I found out about the results of the investigation, my first thought was that I wanted to talk to him about it even though I had already come to this realization. How sick is that. I am colluding with him.

I know he is a bastard and is taking advantage of his implicit position of power so I am trying really hard not to blame myself but it is hard not to: it is what I know, unfortunately.

SG

SG,
I don't want to make excuses for your Dr. and his behavior but please know that although the patterns of behavior may have fit, it is VERY rare that a professional is acting consciously and deliberately to exploit a patient. In most cases of boundary violations, especially those that involve a sexual relationship, the doctor or therapist is responding to his own unmet needs and is often unconscious of being seductive or "grooming" someone. They are just feeling the same way we are, that they are strongly attracted to the other person.

This does NOT excuse his behavior; it is up to the professional to diligently guard those boundaries and I think it would be really good for you to tell everything to your T about what happened and how he behaved. But I thought perhaps it might feel like less of a betrayal if he his behavior wasn't a blatant attempt to just use you for his ends.

AG

C. Transferred...I wanted to let you know, I thought about what you said and I told my T about the other people I thought I felt tranference coming on with and she said it definitley was the pain meds talking BUT..that's when you say what you really feel inside!! She told me I definitly needed to back off of them and let myself get overmy Mr. T completely so that these feelings would go away instead of transferring...but I see my pastor every week...I see my massage T 2 times a week...and I will not stop seeing him...God those hands!! but I have been keeping the conversations to a minimal and watching myself very carefully...with both men...I would not tell her who they were...but I promised to be a good girl!!
I hope you are doing well...how are your transference issues going? I haven't seen you on the forum lately...talk to you soon!
JM, AG, SG and PL...where are you guys at these days?? Hello everyone I haven't mentioned...I can't remember you all, but i hope you are all having a great week...I have had some good sessions lately...and My T told me she thought next week I could drop down to everyother week...I am proud and then I am sad!!! What is up with that??
See ya, Charlotte

Hey Charlotte-
I'm glad you talked to your T about the other two men- and I think what she said was true. Pain meds do allow you to drop some barries that you wouldn't normally let down. I am also glad you are being mindful and careful with your pastor and massage T. Hopefully awareness will help with the intensity of the feelings.

I am doing pretty well with the transference stuff right now, thanks for asking! It was pretty rough going there for a while. A few weeks ago, I wrote my T this three page letter of all the things I wish she could be for me, all the reasons why I know she can't be those things, and why I feel like she is rejecting me. It wasn't anything she didn't already know, but instead of letting her read the letter, I actually read it to her and I was very emotional. But, it was very important to me that I tell her- actually say the words out loud. It was something I had to do, and I was so glad I did it. Of course, two weeks later, she freakin went on vacation and I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't see her. Even when she is in town but I don't have an appointment, I find comfort in the fact that she isn't far away. But I managed to get through her vacation and ONLY called her 3 times... Geez! And her and her boundaries didn't call me back until she returned from vacation, ugh. It was truly hellish. But my first session back with her was really good- hard but good. I was able to express some feelings of fear and angst that I hadn't before and she wasn't mad at me or anything! Plus, she gave me some reassurance and I was in a vulnerable enough place to receive it... which is rare! It was very comforting overall, and made me appreciate the boundaries of the therapeutic environment instead of loathe them like I normally do.

I'm glad you have had some good sessions lately and that you will be able to move to every other week appointments. It doesn't surprise me that you're a little sad about it. It sounds like you have a great relationship with her, and cutting back means seeing her less. Plus, that is less time that you get to be completely seen and known... who wouldn't miss that some? I think you will do well with it though, once you get used to it.

-CT