quote:

I am proud and then I am sad!!! What is up with that??

Charlotte
You should be proud. It means that you and your T have agreed that you are strong enough to fly on your own. And that is our ultimate goal isn't it? I can also completely understand the sadness. Our T's are such a safety net for us and they are always there to catch us when we slip. Your T will still be there if you need her, but she is giving you the chance to experiment on your own. As time goes by, I am sure that you will become more and more confident of yourself and your skills. But, it is still ok to need her when you struggle.

I have hit some pretty deep stuff lately and it seems like a light is beginning to go on in my head. While I still have difficulty thinking that my little girl feelings and emotions are ok, I am starting to see that I need to discuss these in more depth with my T. I know she will understand and help to guide me through this, I just need to stop judging myself about them. That of course is easier said than done. It also causes a lot of anxiety in me and so I am trying to be aware of that and use the meditation skills I am learning, more often.

Thanks for asking Charlotte and I hope that things are going well for you. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

PL

Nice to hear some updates on how people are doing. The comments on multiple transference have definitely got me thinking.....to the past, the present. It never occured to me these things happening in other relationships other than tdocs

Mine was gone for 2 weeks, and I didn't really miss him. I went to my session this week and I was SO bitchy and filled with PMS rage that all I did was talk about how miserable I was and how much I hate life. I told him not even to talk to me because there was nothing he could say to make me feel better.
I feel so stupid now, that PMS is quite concerning lately, it really makes me crazy.

I have 2 sessions left. I'm not sure if I feel relieved or panicked.
I do have coverage for 5 more sessions and if I got him to backdate the invoice, I could even do 10 more sessions, I just don't know if he would mess with his billing like that for me. Unethical I think. He very much plays by the rules.
My emotions towards him are equally as frustrating as PMS. I wonder if I need my hormones checked?
Be well
travelluvr

Hi everyone. Well, after getting my PTSD under control with an emergency visit to my T, I'm back to pondering the transference. I feel ambivalent about Dr. X (my MD) in a lot of ways. I'm thinking back to the very beginning when I first got the signal from him and how he would examine my body like he owned it- firmly, no warning, as if I were his for the taking.

Then I think of how kind he was to me when my treatment by others went wrong, how I felt held by him as if he were with me whenever I would feel really bad about it all, how I knew that he really does care at a deeper level.

The sexual component is starting to feel really disgusting and not exciting at all, like maybe I just want him to hold me and that is it, show me physical affection and reassurance, but not sexual. I feel closer to deleting the voicemail he left me and I think I am tired of hearing his voice.

Lastly, I don't believe in my heart anymore that anything good or healing could come of this. We have shown our complimentary wounds to each other and that is what is drawing us close- there is no romance or fairytale in that.

But yet...I have not fired him.

SG

(((SG)))
I agree with HB. At least you're heading in the right direction. I am sorry this is heartbreaking for you. I hope your T is able to help you work through this. It sounds like a lot of healing has taken place in order for you to be able to see things the way that you do with Dr X now and to feel repulsed by the sexual draw and that it doesn't belong there. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care, but that he let his needs over ride in his treatment for you. I am glad your T was able to help you get things back under control.
JM

quote:

AG,
I had to wait a week, but I took your suggestion and talked to my T about how uncomfortable I feel allowing myself to feel dependent on her. It actually started a great discussion about the different levels of dependency we all have on people in our lives.
She told me it was alright to depend on her. I told my T I have a fear that she will terminate with me if I'm dependent on her. She said she would not terminate with me unless termination was something I brought up and we talked about it.
Thanks!
Questing

Hi Questing!
I'm so sorry but I missed this when it was posted, I certainly didn't mean to ignore you! That's awesome that you spoke to your T about your feelings of dependency. It's really scary to bring this stuff up and it was very brave of you to go there. I'm really happy that you got such a great reaction, she sounds like a wonderful T. And getting that reassurance that you won't be sent away is not only really good to hear, it was really important for me. I think I was scared if I got better I would have to go away so I didn't always want to get better. My T told me (more than once, bless him) that I was welcome to come for as long as I wanted to, he would never ask me to leave. After I heard that, it felt safe to really work on my issues. I'm so glad that you have that security.

Again, my apologies for missing the post!

Do you need the HTML slapper?

AG

quote:

I think I was scared if I got better I would have to go away so I didn't always want to get better.

Seriously AG, have you been peeking into my brain? I am thinking this and more, right now! I need my T to tell me over, and over, and over, and over an........................... Don't know if it will ever sink in. Actually, I'm going to have this very talk with her today.

PL

PL,
I really really do understand! I hope the talk went well with your T, let us know what happened. And I would be peeking into your brain, but I've been so busy upgrading the HTML slapper that I'm behind on my brain peeker.

AG

AG

I had a pretty awesome session today. After the "I love you" call on Tuesday, I got it into my head that she was upset with me. Who knows why?? I'm crazy that way. I called her and left a dorky message about that. And that I thought she was going to terminate me.

Well, today she was totally confused as to why I was thinking that. Come to find out, she was upset at the beginning of my previous session (and my radar picked up on that) but, it was something personal and had absolutely nothing to do with me. She apologized profusely today and said that she should have taken a few extra minutes before she let me in, to compose herself.

I was a little POed at first as I had suffered a lot of pain, and I let her know it. I wasn't gonna let her off the hook too easily. She really was apologetic and took responsibility for the whole thing. So, I forgave her.

Then we did a lot of talking about why I would even think that she would terminate me. We also talked about trust and if I thought she would lie to me. (funny, SHE brought that up) That of course led to the abandonment issue. She then said, "What can I do to prove to you that I will never lie to you and I am not going away?" She said that she doesn't drop clients. I told her that there could always be a first time. That actually made her laugh. She kept repeating that she was not going away and even said that her family was know to have longevity. So I guess we will be two 100+ yr. old women still doing therapy.

Anyway, we got into some pretty deep stuff - enough to bring on a few tears - but the best part is that I felt an even closer connection to her. She was human. She made a mistake and owned up to it. And she held my hand very softly at the end of my session. Gotta love her.

PL

PL,
That's really wonderful! You know you have a good therapist when they're willing to own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for their behavior. And I love that she didn't try to cover it up. I don't know about you, but I was told that white was black too many times a s a kid. I don't need my T telling me that what I picked up on wasn't true when it was.

But I'm glad you didn't let her off the hook too easily either. She is responsible for the integrity of those boundaries and she made a bad call on that one. But being able to repair the relationship after thoses kinds of disruptions really strengtens it.

I'm also really happy that she was able to be so reassuring about not sending you away. You need that security. And trust me I understand about the 100+. Sometimes, I have a picture of my T being in a nursing home and me sitting next to his bed for a session. (He's 12 years older than me.) We'll get there and hopefully while we can still remember what we learned.

Thanks for talking about your appt. And I can certainly understand why you love her. It would be extremely difficult not to.

AG

Hello my friends!
Charlotte is holding her own...well almost!! I didn't have a session this past Tuesday and I feel like I haven't seen my T's office in a year!! I thought I would go crazy that day...I literally wasted a whole afternoon because I have been going every week for a year or so...I didn't know what to do with my extra time! Anyway, I have tried to think of a million reasons to call her...or old Mr. T pretending to leave a message for her but I regained my poise before I actually did it!! I have made a few strides that I feel like are milestones for ole Charlotte! I took my old Mr T's name out of my cell phone and put in Ms T's. I also took his last name I was using for a password and changed it to my grandaughter's name!! I even went on the web and gave him a five star rating on his services as a T...anonymous of course!! and when I wanted t call and listen to his recording on his answering machine this week....I just texted my Ms. T and told her how much weight I had lost so far on my new diet plan we divised together!! (7 Pounds) So I guess I really am making progress even if it only seems like minimal things to others...It was a great deal for me...Still having some medical problems... ...but hey..Rome wasn't built in a day right??
As far as the concern over possible transferring my transference feelings to my pastor and massage T...I think I have managed to escape it for the most part...my massage T is not as risky as I thought at first...although I told my friend jokingly the other day that the "little frenchman" that gave me my back massages would be a "little french whore" if I was 100 pounds lighter and 10 years younger!!LOL But I have several male friends there (young enough to be my sons) that I joke and carry on with and he has begun to feel more like a brother to me than anything else. (Now I just gotta keep telling myself that.. ) My pastor on the other hand....I have been texting him and talking to him daily, but I think he is more of a father figure to me in my mind now...he is constantly reminding me that I am one of his church members and he is suppose to watch out for me...and help me out. I am trying very hard to remember that! But why does he have to look so darn good????
How have you guys been doing?? I have been reading the forum as much as I can...and am sorry I haven't been more social, but sometimes I have Dr. appointments everyday of the week, and my meds make me so tired...PL I am glad your session went so well this week, I think it was awesome that she held your hand...if my Mr. T had held my hand in session...I'd probably be in divorce court right now...guess that's why he didn't!!
JM and AG..HOWDY!! hope you are all fine...everyone else...Charlotte sends out a big HELLO and hope you all are fine...have a great weekend every body!!...my sleeping meds are kicking in and the keys are starting to wiggle around on my keyboard
See ya, C

P.L. : WOW!! Your Tdoc held your hand?? That is like my dream come true. She really sounds great, I'm so glad she is SO connected and honest with you. And good for you for not backing down.
Charlotte: those are huge strides, huge. I am very impressed you were able to do those small things, baby steps seem to be the way.

I had my tdoc appt yesterday. I haven't been missing him, but then we went and had this totally intense session, I just emotionally vomited all over him and told him some heavy childhood stuff...and he cried, just a few tears, which just KILLS me. He really really does care, I can tell how involved he is with me.
SO, it was supposed to be my last session. He said he feels I have 'unresolved issues' and doens't want me to stop coming, we figured out a way to get my insurance to cover things (he's actually going to lie and backdate an invoice) but thats another story. He knows I'm a single mom and can't afford it, plus he's offered to see me for free...but how many times can I do THAT without guilt.
Here is the kicker. He's really disorganized and scattered by nature. He has a hard time keeping up with paperwork, invoicing, bookings.
He said to me "It's really too bad we have this patient/Dr. relationship, because I would love to hire you to work for me".
OMFG.
I work in an office billing doctors all day long so he knows I know my stuff. But WOW..to say that. It was almost like he wanted me to say "I don't think our relationship would be an issue" but I didn't. Because it would. I'd want to bust the door down to his office and shag him on that couch just about daily.
I continually sugar coat the truth and talk about my transference as in a 'father' role with him. But its not. Clearly. sigh.

Thanks for updates everyone...I love seeing how others are doing!
xoxo
Happy Friday

TL

Don't want to interpret his suggestion but I just love the 'want to bust the door down and shag him on the couch...'Good for you for owning up to that one to us...now you just need to own up to him!!!

LOS

I am new to this site, I just found it today as I was trying to find more information on transference. This site is awesome. I have been dealing with being in love with my psychiatrist for 10 years. He knows how I feel because of stuff I have written him but I have never been able to be brave enough to tell him in person. I see him on April 1st and I am trying to get to where when I go see him I can just be honest about everything. I am scared to death to do it. I know he wont react bad and he wont stop seeing me, but it is still so scary. But I want to confess to him about everything from the way I feel about it, what I think about doing with, about googling him, about being friends with his daughter on facebook just so I can try to learn more about him. I just want to be completely honest for once. And after reading all these posts and seeing how it worked out for some of yall it is making me feel at least a little better about doing. I know as the day gets closer I am going to freak out even more. I emailed him today and told him that at the next appointment we needed to talk about the transference issues but that he would have to start the conversation because I would be too scared to. So hopefully that will help make me do it. Its also nice to hear that I am not the only one who does all these crazy things. I thought I was the only one who drove by their T's house or saved voice mails and texts messages from their T. I have 18 text messages that cover a 6 month time period that I constantly read over and over again, some emails I do the same thing and a voice mail that i listen to. How did yall get the courage to fess up to everything to your T? I am so scared to be honest about wanting to have sex with him or fantasizing about him.

Hi Pippi! Welcome to the board, I'm new myself and have found it to be a great support.
My word of advice is BABY steps. You don't have to tell him right away you want to have sex with him, or think about it. You can say things like you think about him a lot...or that you feel your caring is much more deep than casual.
He already knows.
I was a bit oblivious to this until recently. I thought my therapist had no idea, and I've only been with him a year.
I was there tonight as a matter of fact, and my sessions have ended but I figured out a way to go once a month.
He clearly stated he would miss me and he would 'try not to worry' about me.
I wanted to jump on him right there.
You can't do things like be friends with his dtr on facebook, but its OK to think about it.
I dunno, once I talked about it, the intensity went away a little.
Stay grounded. Breathe. Just say 'frig it' and get it out of your system. You will sleep better~!
goodluck!

Hi Pippi,
Welcome to the boards, I'm glad you've found it. Transference can feel pretty crazy, I know what a relief it is to find out you're not the only one.

Don't feel like you have to tell your T everything at once. The first time I talked to my T was to tell him that I was feeling attracted to him (he was my husband's T first and we were seeing him for marital counseling at the time.) As I've continued to work with him, I've been able to tell him more and more, but each time was based on the fact that the previous time I told him something he reacted so well, with acceptance and understanding so that I felt safer telling him more. That way I worked up to the biggies.

I know its scary to do but its really good to talk about. It's often in our interactions with our therapist that we can really see how we relate and what we want to change.

AG

That is helpful to know that I don't have to do it all at one. I really want to be able to go in there and be honest about everything this one time and never have to deal with it again, but I realize that will not be the case. He already knows I am attracted to him and that I cant stop thinking about him because of the stuff I have wrote. So I feel like he deserves for me to be a little more honest than that, I just dont know how honest I can be or that it is okay to be. It seems to me that it is a little inappropriate to tell some of the stuff I think about. There has been times that he has asked me what I am thinking about in the middle of therapy and it kind of catches me off guard because I dont know if it is okay to say "I was just thinking about having sex with you." Is that really an okay thing to tell him? Its even harder when I get scared because I was really just staring at him in a way I shouldnt, I dont know if he realized that or not.

I know I probably shouldnt be friends with his daughters on facebook, but the truth is that they are both my age or a year or so difference and I have 43 mutual friends with both of them because we grew up in the same town together. I was even really good friends with the guy his daughter just broke up with, but the daughter has no idea. I never talk to her, I just sometimes check her page out to see if she mentions her dad in any posts or puts up any new pictures of him. She only has a couple up of him but it always him with his kids which makes me sad and jealous because he is living his life without me and because his kids get to do all these great things with him that I will never get to do.

I also like to check up on his ex wives just to make sure that they are not getting close again, cause I dont want him to get remarried. I know we could never be together or even have a friendship, but I prefer to think that he is not going to get married again or even dating anyone. I dont even like to hear him talk to his friends I like to think that he is at his house by himself all the time when he is not at work just waiting for me to call and bug him. I know its not really like that but thats what I try to imagine.

Pippi

Welcome! I'm new, too, as of 2 days ago.

I agree with everyone else. Take it slow. You say, "it seems to me that it is a little inappropriate to tell. . ." If it feels inappropriate, then don't say it. Let your own conscience be the judge. You say, "I feel he deserves for me to be a little more honest than that." Don't talk about it for him; talk about it for you. If you don't want to talk about it for you, then don't do it, if you need to talk about it for you, then do it. That's just my 2 cents worth.

I have major transference issues of the mom variety with my T. I don't tell her everything I feel about it, because it feels so shameful. She knows what's going on. I don't need to give her every detail. But when I talk about it a little, it helps it not to feel so weird. Once, I said to her, "I realized that I'm not the only one who is vulnerable in this relationship. You're mothering me, and to do that, you have to care about me, and open up, and be vulnerable." She said, "You're right. It's real. If it wasn't, you would be able to tell, then it wouldn't be effective." That made me feel better, like I'm not alone in this, even though I know she's not obsessed with me.

I'm only seeing her once this week when I usually see her twice. It's killing me. I need her so much. She just called out of the blue to check in on me, which was so sweet. I'm so angry that her family gets to have her and I don't. Sometimes that feeling is so strong that it makes me want to quit therapy. It's just not fair!

catgirl,

I know what you are saying. I get mad at his family sometimes about it. I just wish my T would call me to just check in on me! He only calls if I call first and have some good reason why I need to talk to him. Luckily he has been nice enough to let me have his cell phone number and email address so that it is easier for me to get ahold of him, plus he has his answering sevice, which I never go through that anymore. It sometimes frustrates him because I will call so much and he wont think it is an emergency. But the truth is that at the time it was an emergency, but then when I hear his voice it calms me down so much that it doesnt seem like a big deal anymore.

I dont have as much option on just not telling him what I dont feel like telling him. I have been seeing him for 10 years and if I am not willing to work on the transference issues and be completely honest then he will most likely end therapy. I understand why he has said that, because this is an important issue that needs to be dealt with and can really help me work on past issues. He will understand if I just take the baby steps and do a little each session. I am going to try that.

One of the hardest things for me right now is even trying to find a way to start the conversation when I go see him. I usually let him start all the conversations, and if he doesnt start this one and bring it up then I dont even know what to say or how to start it. At least I have until April 1st to figure it out.

I wish I could see my T every week but we are doing it once a month, but I do have the option of calling him and coming in sooner if I need to. He always leaves it where if I even called today I could come see him today. That always makes me feel a little better. But it is so freakin expensive and I already owe him a couple thousand dollars so it makes me feel bad to come in more when I can only afford once a month. I guess Ill just have to stick with calling him all the time.

Hi, I've been lurking here for a while, ever since I realized I was experiencing a transference reaction to my T of the maternal nature. Reading your posts gave me the courage to be honest and tell my T about this in a letter during session. I was terrified and hurting and so ashamed and humiliated that I would ever feel this way, but knew that I had to be upfront and honest about this. I knew I would be unable to verbally share, hence the letter.

However, her response was...well, unexpected, I guess. I was so anxious and terrified, and I didn't have any idea what her reaction would be. And, I was having quite a time staying present to hear her response. The few things that did get through were, well, disconcerting at best, and downright hurtful at worst. I felt her response was condescending and patronizing, and I left that session feeling absolutely misunderstood and invalidated. After the fact, I realized that all I had needed to hear was that I was understood, I had been heard, what I was feeling was okay (even though I find it anything but), and that my T would be there to help me work through this. I heard none of this.

It took a couple subsequent sessions, but last session I felt capable enough to assert myself about that session. And while my T apologized for not validating me in a way I would hear and understand, in addition to stating that she did understand, I'm still very hurt and disillusioned. I don't feel comfortable expressing any emotion in front of her, where before all this came up I had no problem being emotional with her. I don't feel any kind of connection to her at all, where before I always felt heard and understood.

I don't know what to do now. How can I continue to see my T when I don't trust her, when I don't feel any kind of understanding and acceptance from her? I never questioned her commitment to helping me before, but now...well I feel like to her I'm an interesting specimen under a microscope.

Any words of advice?

Thanks,
Musical Me

Musical Me

I'm sorry that you put yourself out there, and took a major risk, and felt like you were left hanging out to dry. It must be very painful.

Since you had such a good relationship with your T before, I'd suggest sticking it out with her. Maybe you could work through it together. Would you consider writing a letter telling her your side of the situation and your feelings?

Hugs to you!

Meow,

catgirl