Catgirl,

Yes, it is very painful. In my session last week I specifically addressed the things I had heard when I divulged the realization that I was experiencing this transference. I told my T each thing I remembered hearing, how I interpreted her meaning, and how I felt as a result. I also told her what I had needed to hear and feel from her, and my feelings and thoughts when I didn't. I didn't hold back, was very honest and direct, which for me isn't easy, but I felt was necessary if I were to even hope to continue on my therapeutic journey. I do believe that she never meant to hurt me, that she was trying to validate me, but just wasn't using the right words to get through to me. Which she acknowledged. And apologized for. I also believe that she does understand, and doesn't think any less of me for all this, which she also said.

My problem is that, while on a logical level I understand and accept and believe all that, my emotional side isn't buying it. Since I posted, I've wondered if I feel so disconnected to my T because I am so appalled to feel anything for her beyond what I feel is reasonable. I never wanted to view her in a maternal way, in fact was hyper-vigilant to make sure I didn't start to feel this way. It seems like such a betrayal of the therapist/client relationship. I don't want to feel that I need my T to hold, comfort, soothe me, as if I were a child. I don't want to form any kind of attachment to her beyond what is reasonable. I just want her to be there for 50 minutes every week, listen to me, help clarify things when I have questions or doubts, and offer suggestions when I'm stuck. I don't want to have this need to rely on her for anything beyond what is reasonable.

Does any of this make sense?

Musical Me

Musical Me

It makes perfect sense.

Things will probably work themselves out over time with your T. This whole process is such a work in progress!

You say, "I never wanted to view her in a maternal way. . ." That's what's so difficult about transference, isn't it? It's completely out of our control! That's one reason why it's so shameful/embarrassing to me.

Good luck!

Keep us posted!

catgirl

quote:

I don't want to have this need to rely on her for anything beyond what is reasonable.

Does any of this make sense?

That depends a lot on what is reasonable. What I always thought was a reasonable, professional relationship with my T has been constantly challenged through my experiences with her. Breaking down the walls leaves me vulnerable and I am thankful she knows this and knows how hard it is to feel like a child and struggle with being attached to this not-quite-a-friend but not-quite-a-stranger person and accommodates it as must as possible. In fact she often offers me more than I thought was possible for her to give. For example, I once expressed how I wish I could call her everyday and she said "why not?" All I could think of to say is that it didn't sound reasonable to me. She then said that it did sound reasonable to her. So, what you may think is reasonable may not be what your T thinks is reasonable. But you don't know unless you ask. T's don't volunteer a whole lot of information out of the blue. I hate having to ask about all of this stuff all of the time but it is definitely stretching muscles that haven't been much used.

Hello everyone

I don't mean to change the subject, but I was wondering. What exactly is a safe touch hug?

Hi Everyone! Just dropping in to say hello...Hope you all are fine and seeing good results in your sessions. I have to say I am making progress...have come a long way, but still have a ways to go...Most everyone knows my story with my old Mr. T and how he ditched me when I told him of my transference....now I see a Ms. T in his office...well I guess he feels guilty about that because my insurance says I had met my # of eligble visits....well he told the secretary to tell me...that I was not to worry I would not be billed for any services beyond that...no matter how long it took!!!...He loves me...I knew it! ...but I am progressing greatly...beyond that and was actually able to pass him in the hallway and say hello & ask him how he was doing...smiled...and kept right on walking!! Have a great Easter...talk to you soon...Charlotte

PS Tina, Hello nice to meet you...I'm not sure if there is such a thing as a safe touch hug in a transferenc situation!!...when I was so deep in my transference with Mr. T...if he had even thought about hugging me...I would have surely touched him....and he would not have been safe!!

Thanks.
I just read about something in therapy and some T's use what they call safe touch hugs. It doesn't have anything to do with transference just something some T's do. Heck I don't know.

Hi Tina,

I read something in one of the forums here about safe hugs. I know that P's don't do it often (they are too rigid lol), but T's will apparently. I think the forum was called 'Hugs in Therapy' under the Stories section. Might answer your questions.

Holly

I havent heard about these safe touch hugs. I wish my P would do but he probably knows it wouldnt be a safe thing to do cause I might be thinking about all the wrong things. But at the same time it would be nice. The T that I have transference towards gave me a hug last month when I saw him and it was the best feeling and safest I have ever felt. The only other time he hugged me was when I graduated from high school because he was my high school therapist and we thought we would never see each other again. But I didnt give up until he gave into emails once a week and now he also sees me every six months, he comes to my P's office to see me before my appointment. I loved it when he hugged me and sometimes I think I would feel so much better if I got a hug my P too. But I am too scared to ask. With the T I asked through email and the answer was no at first because of the transference and because I admitted that after hugging him at graduation I thought about having sex with him for days, but he initiated last time I saw him after he saw that I was relating to him at the time more of a father figure than someone I was in love with. I think all T's and P's should let their patients have hugs if that is what they need, even if transference is involved. I think hugging my P could help.

Hi Tina,
I would save a safe touch hug is one that does not involve any form of touching that the recipient is uncomfortable with, and is initiated and ended by you. Often in childhood sexual abuse we had no control over how often or where we were touched, so to have control over when and where we are touched provides us with safety.

I wanted to comment on hugs in general. My T does not hug and when I asked him if I could have one, we spent a whole session discussing why his answer was no (I didn't ask until I was ready to hear a no, since I was pretty sure that was the answer I would get. But it was important for me to do the asking, and even hearing the no was important. It was a very reparative experience for me to express a need, have it not met and know I could not only survive that but the relationship was still intact. And knowing that my T will say no, allows me to trust his "yes.") But his basic take was that providing a hug carried a fairly high possibility of doing harm without a lot of benefit. And that in my case, withholding the hug helped me to go past it to the pain and loss of not having had the safe physical embraces I craved as a child. I really think his saying no to the hug led to one of our most important and pivotal sessions.

I recently read a article on a Ps blog that explained the whole principal of why a therapist would withhold touch, and I've posted the link below.

I do want to make clear that I don't think there's anything wrong with therapist's who decide to hug. My first T was willing to hug me any time I asked and my present T does shake my hand at the end of every session. I just wanted to also offer a perspective from the other side so to speak.

A Matter of Touch by Jung at Heart

AG

Hi Charlotte,
It's great to hear from you, I'm really glad to hear you're doing so well with both your new T and your old T. I really have so much respect for how he handled things. He made have felt it necessary to refer you but he has obviously stayed involved with your care and is really concerned with your well-being.

AG

Hi

I’m new to this website. I only discovered this site about 2 weeks ago and I am constantly amazed at the insight some of the members here have!

I have a question and wondering if anyone can give me advice / thoughts / opinions.....

Just by way of background, I have been seeing my wonderful T for just under 4 years and we have worked through some major stuff together. I feel I am now dealing in therapy with one final area (but by no means small area!) - which is self-esteem. I feel this question belongs in this “transference” topic because I feel in many ways our issues are often interlinked (ie: transference, attachment issues, unmet needs as a child, self-esteem issues).

My question though is....

What is the end goal of therapy??

Is it that we can now meet our inner childhood needs by providing them to ourselves?; or
Is it that we accept the failings of our parents but can move on – no longer blaming them?; or
Is it as basic as being kind to ourselves?

I am not about to finish therapy anytime soon. I am just wondering what your take is on the topic regarding the end of our therapy journeys

Thanks for reading and I look forward to any words of wisdom!

Cheers!
I’m OK

Hey Everyone,

I still love getting new message reminders in my inbox from this board, everyone was pivotal in my dealing with my therapist/transference stuff.
Oh, its still there..no doubt about it, however, I started dating..a wonderful man. SO, the past 6 weeks my mind has been occupied and I've actually been getting the kind of attention and communication from this new beau that I was looking for. I had this weird feeling that I was making my therapist jealous by telling him about the new boy, but of course, thats all part of it isn't it?
I'm happy I'm currently not obsessing anymore, or thinking of excuses to email.
Last visit we actually left it as "you seem very well, you've come a long way, I am happy for you, why don't you hold off coming here for a while"
I'm Ok with that. He did say he will always worry so make sure I email him to let him know I'm OK.
If anything, he taught me how to really love within a relationship, first time. I've been single for 7 years, its wonderful.
Anyhow, you all are so great here! Thanks.
xo

Hi I'm OK,

That's a tricky question! I think it depends on what brought you to therapy in the first place, and whether you had any specific goals.

With me, I had reached a crossroads in my therapy. I could either start moving towards different issues then ending my therapy or I could go back and pick up the issues i wasn't able to deal with earlier on, and try again. But since i had got to a point where they aren't bothering me so much anymore, I didn't want to risk delving back into them (since last time i attempted suicide and was almost hospitalized). So I feel i am moving forward in the right way for me.

So i guess the end goal is a personal one, and it can change throughout the therapy process. Mine certainly has. The things i still want to work on aren't easy fixes though... self-esteem, rejection, trust, relationships. So I think i'm in the same boat as you there! By the end of my therapy, I want to believe I am a lovable person, feel deserving of happiness, and... well i am not sure yet. But there's more!
What do you feel like your end goal is?
Ooh and where in Australia are you from? If you don't mind me asking - i'm from brissie.

Cassie

I was so happy to find this discussion, and to find that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I developed a huge crush on my counselor/therapist. My life revolved around her, and I was enmeshed -- couldn't see myself as a separate person from her. I recently chose to see a different therapist because of this; we didn't have very clear boundaries. I felt very defective because of this whole situation. I didn't know anyone else who had gone through this.

I experienced huge grief as I left my old counselor -- and still experience grief sometimes, after 6 weeks or so. I now see myself as a separate person, and feel like I'm getting healthier. Have better boundaries with my new therapist. He's actually the one who told me that this was transference -- and it was a moment of epiphany. I had forgotten about transference -- and that this is really normal, and part of the therapeutic process. I felt so much better after I read everybody else's similar experiences -- so thanks everybody for sharing!

Hi Notalone,
Welcome to the forums, sorry for not responding sooner, I just saw your post. I'm glad that your finding stuff to relate to here. We definitely understand how you're feeling. And I think it's perfectly reasonable to still be grieving after six weeks, I would actually consider that to be a VERY short time. Although I am glad to hear that you're also feeling better with some distance.

If you liked this thread, might I also recommend Update on Transference? It was the thread that led to this one and also has a lot of good info on the topic. And feel free to chime in and ask any questions you have. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Provocative Girl- Welcome to the forum!!!! Post here or start your own post cause I know I will respond and most likely other people will too. I never mind talking about transference because mine is still something that is still going strong and Im still learning and trying to make my way through it. Or if you want you can send a private message too.

Welcome, PG! May I call you that? Yeah, I think we all pretty much deal in one way or another with transference...so jump in, the water's fine. It might seem the topic has dropped off, but I think it is there in between the lines in all the posts...that being said, I for one would be quite happy to talk about it!

BB

Welcome to the forums Provocative Girl! I agree with the others, this topic is discussed tons even if it isn't in this specific thread. Please feel free to add here or post a new thread, you will likely get feedback!