I think that sometimes we have a picture in our mind about what our therapists lives are actually like and it might be way off of what the actual truth is.
Like im picturing a nurturing mother that takes time for her family where as it could be that shes distant or over protective.
Yes emerald, I would also like to think that my T is the most perfect person in the world. When we are together in the containment of her office, she is perfect to me. But, I realize that she is also human. As much as I would love to be her daughter, I'm sure if I talked to her daughter I would find out that she, like every mother, has made mistakes. That she has maybe overreacted to things as I sometimes do. That she has said things that she regrets. My T is divorced and as much as I would like to think that her ex must have been a monster to her, I realize that there may have been things that she did to contribute to the situation. That is why it is good that we don't know too much about our Ts. It would burst our bubble of being able to trust the one person in the world that we think has all the answers to help us heal. I know I have placed my T on a very high pedestal and I couldn't take it if she ever fell off. That being said, I really do realize that she is also a person just like you and me with lots of faults and failings.
PL
PL
Hi emerald. I get what you mean, making up in our minds what our therapists may really be like and I have done that with a lot of people, not just therapists. I have had transference experiences with bosses and teachers, and have done this. The transference "fantasy" seems to ease the more I get to know them.
My most recent obsession was my son's T. I'm still not sure it's transference but some of the feelings seem to fit so that's what I'm going with. But, I never put my son's T on a pedestal - I saw her faults and it made me appreciate her more. We live in a small town, she works at my son's school, her kids go there. She has talked a lot about her kids and she said it herself, she has self-disclosed a lot and maybe wasn't too good with boundaries. I've seen her flustered and I've been annoyed with her. I saw that she was a real person with real faults but still she was able to reach out to me and give me what I needed more than anything in the world.
I think that's probably why I got in my mind that friendship was possible. I felt like I was on an even level with her. I didn't' feel like I was talking to a therapist when I talked to her, I felt like I was talking to a friend. I didn't think she could save me, or even give me just the advice I needed to solve my problems. But she was there, she was able to just listen and offer me support, and I felt like she really cared.
I know more about her than most people know about their therapists, but I realize I still don't know the real her. But that's the way it is when you start a friendship. You feel a connection and then you get to know each other better. Then you may either become closer or grow apart.
Where it became different from a typical friendship forming, for me, was when I realized that I could really depend on her, and that I never had that in my life before. She told me to call or email whenever I needed to and I did. I took full advantage. She did make the boundaries clear at that point when she told me I needed to make friends and get my own support system. I realized she couldn't be my friend and that she was acting as a therapist. I began to question why, and when I saw that there were rules against us being friends, I began to worry that she was just doing her job and that she really didn't care as much as I thought. But then I asked her and she validated my feelings. She said she would love to be friends if it weren't for the way we met. Then I just became angry at the rules and the obsession got a little worse.
I think it could have worked if she had stayed my son's T. We could have talked out all this transference stuff. I could still get what I needed and accepted the boundaries. It could have been very positive, just like some other experiences here on this board. But that didn't work, my son is getting referred to another T for some more serious issues. So the prospect of her not being there for me became all too real, and the obsession grew more.
I still haven't accepted that she is out of my life. School is starting again tomorrow and I still keep thinking in the back of my mind that it's not over. She has been so important to me that I just still can't imagine it. I'm 100% sure I will see her, it's unavoidable, I'm just not sure how hard it's going to be. I still really have the urge to talk to her about it all, if for nothing else but closure. I'm not sure it would work out the way I wanted it too, though, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how deep my need goes.
Wow, that turned into quite a long post didn't it. Thanks to anyone who stuck through and read it.
OW
My most recent obsession was my son's T. I'm still not sure it's transference but some of the feelings seem to fit so that's what I'm going with. But, I never put my son's T on a pedestal - I saw her faults and it made me appreciate her more. We live in a small town, she works at my son's school, her kids go there. She has talked a lot about her kids and she said it herself, she has self-disclosed a lot and maybe wasn't too good with boundaries. I've seen her flustered and I've been annoyed with her. I saw that she was a real person with real faults but still she was able to reach out to me and give me what I needed more than anything in the world.
I think that's probably why I got in my mind that friendship was possible. I felt like I was on an even level with her. I didn't' feel like I was talking to a therapist when I talked to her, I felt like I was talking to a friend. I didn't think she could save me, or even give me just the advice I needed to solve my problems. But she was there, she was able to just listen and offer me support, and I felt like she really cared.
I know more about her than most people know about their therapists, but I realize I still don't know the real her. But that's the way it is when you start a friendship. You feel a connection and then you get to know each other better. Then you may either become closer or grow apart.
Where it became different from a typical friendship forming, for me, was when I realized that I could really depend on her, and that I never had that in my life before. She told me to call or email whenever I needed to and I did. I took full advantage. She did make the boundaries clear at that point when she told me I needed to make friends and get my own support system. I realized she couldn't be my friend and that she was acting as a therapist. I began to question why, and when I saw that there were rules against us being friends, I began to worry that she was just doing her job and that she really didn't care as much as I thought. But then I asked her and she validated my feelings. She said she would love to be friends if it weren't for the way we met. Then I just became angry at the rules and the obsession got a little worse.
I think it could have worked if she had stayed my son's T. We could have talked out all this transference stuff. I could still get what I needed and accepted the boundaries. It could have been very positive, just like some other experiences here on this board. But that didn't work, my son is getting referred to another T for some more serious issues. So the prospect of her not being there for me became all too real, and the obsession grew more.
I still haven't accepted that she is out of my life. School is starting again tomorrow and I still keep thinking in the back of my mind that it's not over. She has been so important to me that I just still can't imagine it. I'm 100% sure I will see her, it's unavoidable, I'm just not sure how hard it's going to be. I still really have the urge to talk to her about it all, if for nothing else but closure. I'm not sure it would work out the way I wanted it too, though, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how deep my need goes.
Wow, that turned into quite a long post didn't it. Thanks to anyone who stuck through and read it.
OW
Hey OW, This is Charloote...I stuck you out and know what you are saying...My old T, referred me to my new Ms. T because i disclosed my transference feelings to him...I about died...but I relize now that it was the best thing...I thought the first time I saw him afterwards in the office that the whole staff probably new my issues...but they didn't..it was so hard to look at him, yet I needed to see his face to be able to function. yes, I have cried many times after leaving therapy with Ms. T because he was in his office with another patient during "My appointment time", but that's the emotional human part of this transference thing. It has become much easier as the weeks have passed, and we even speak small talk, smile, nod, etc, now. It has made it easier to relate to Ms. T, and although my feelings of transference are in no way gone, you know that from my blogs here on the forum...it is getting easier in a funky sorta way I guess...anyway I said all that to say...thanks for your help the other night...and hope this has helped you to be able to see your son's T at school and hold your head high...because as you said...your both only human!!..Charlotte
Charlotte,
I'm so glad to hear you're having an easier time with your T situation. You've been incredibly strong and you should be really proud of yourself.
OW,
Just for the record, that was a short post.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how intense my feelings have been for my T. At one point, I remember feeling like it would literally kill me if I lost him, so I can only imagine how painful it must be to have this relationship be off bounds. In many ways, transference is easier when its with your own T because you can work it out with them. But I think the really important part of this experience for you is being able to recognize your feelings and the needs that you are trying to fulfill. They're good, healthy needs that SHOULD be met and you will work out how to meet them with the help of your therapist. And its also good that you're able to understand why the relationship isn't happening and you're concentrating your efforts on getting the help that you need.
And I understand the wondering if the relationship was real. I struggled with that for a LONG time and have just recently come to understand and believe that the relationship is a very real one. I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
And please don't feel like you're saying too much or talking about it too much. That's why we're all here. These are deeply painful and deeply significant feelings that take a lot of time to work through. And a lot of repitition (at least in my case!). You need to use all your resources and this is one of them. And it helps everyone to hear about how other people struggle with these issues. It can often help us feel more normal and give us other perspectives and ideas on how to best handle it.
AG
I'm so glad to hear you're having an easier time with your T situation. You've been incredibly strong and you should be really proud of yourself.
OW,
Just for the record, that was a short post.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how intense my feelings have been for my T. At one point, I remember feeling like it would literally kill me if I lost him, so I can only imagine how painful it must be to have this relationship be off bounds. In many ways, transference is easier when its with your own T because you can work it out with them. But I think the really important part of this experience for you is being able to recognize your feelings and the needs that you are trying to fulfill. They're good, healthy needs that SHOULD be met and you will work out how to meet them with the help of your therapist. And its also good that you're able to understand why the relationship isn't happening and you're concentrating your efforts on getting the help that you need.
And I understand the wondering if the relationship was real. I struggled with that for a LONG time and have just recently come to understand and believe that the relationship is a very real one. I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
And please don't feel like you're saying too much or talking about it too much. That's why we're all here. These are deeply painful and deeply significant feelings that take a lot of time to work through. And a lot of repitition (at least in my case!). You need to use all your resources and this is one of them. And it helps everyone to hear about how other people struggle with these issues. It can often help us feel more normal and give us other perspectives and ideas on how to best handle it.
AG
HEY AG GLAD YOU ARE FEELING BETTER NOW. I HAVE HAD A CRAZY WEEK...IT HAS BEEN A BAD WEEKEND FOR MY BRAIN PROBLEMS, AND MY DEPRESSION SEEMS TO BE TRYING MY PATIENCE!...BUT I HAVE TRIED REALLY HARD TO FOLLOW THE PLANS THAT I MADE WITH MS. T...TO EXERCISE AND EAT MORE HEALTHY FOODS...KEEPING A FOOD JOURNAL ETC..BUT THE MORE I TRY TO DO THAT THE MORE I AM FOCUSED ON MY OLD MR. T... WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?? I HAVE LOST DOWN ANOTHER SIZE AND WENT TO GET A NEW OUTFIT TO WEAR TOMORROW SO THAT HE WILL SEE ME...I DON'T FEEL LIKE I WANT TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS...BUT I DO...JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS GETTING BETTER...I'M AFRAID IF I TELL MS.T AND SHE DISCUSSES IT WITH MR.T...WILL HE KICK ME OUT AGAIN...I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TELL HER ANYTHING...THEN NEXT WEEK I MAY SPILL MY GUTS TO HER AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE I TRUST HER...DOES THIS MAKE SENSE...IT DOESN'T TO ME...I THINK I'VE LOST A MARBLE OR TWO...MY BRAIN IS SPINNING A 1000 MILES AN HOUR I BETTER GET OFF HERE BEFORE I FREAK OUT!!...JM...WHERE ARE YOU HIDING???
CHARLOTTE
CHARLOTTE
Charlotte - thank you so much for posting. I've been reading your posts with great interest because I see the similarities in our situations. I think you're handling things so well, you haven't given up, and you're working through your feelings - in my eyes you're an inspiration. (I don't have any romantic feelings for my son's T but I still worry about what I wear when I know I'm going to see her, I think it's perfectly natural.)
AG - thank you for the reassurance. That's something I could definitely use a lot of!
A few weeks ago I said I couldn't imagine my life without my son's T there to reassure me. I haven't talked to her or seen her since Dec. 18. I haven't completely shut down so I guess I'm doing OK.
I have been able to recognize the feelings and needs I'm trying to fulfill but what if I'm never able to actually fulfill them? I've never been very good at making friends - I have a lot of acquaintances but it never seems to go much deeper. I've known for a long time why I can't make friends and so far, knowing it hasn't helped much.
I understand, intellectually, why the relationship isn't happening, but I'm not there emotionally yet. I still want her to call and ask me if I want to go out and talk. So I'm trying to figure out if I can get someone to replace her and I just don't see it. I am working through my feelings with my new T, ever so painfully slowly, but I doubt I will ever have these sorts of feelings for my new T. I've had other Ts before, and this T feels very much like those. Right now I think that's a very good thing, because I wouldn't be able to be so open and honest if I was afraid this could happen again.
But there is still a huge void. Sometimes I'm mad at my son's T for pointing out this huge void in my life. She told me on more than one occasion that I need a support system, that no one can handle all this with no support. I was all set to bear it all alone, because that's what I've done my entire life. Then she became my support and showed me that it was possible for me to depend on someone else. She showed me what a relief it was to not bear something all alone.
After the fact, I'm not sure that was the best thing. I was in pretty bad shape, so maybe she did help me from completely falling apart. I may have started to believe my family members who told me I was doing everything wrong. My marriage may have very well fallen apart. But now I'm left still dealing with all the issues I was before, plus this new one.
Now that I'm in the middle of it there's no way I would turn around and stop, because I know I can't go back. I keep clinging to the hope that it will get better, and the inspiration I find here is probably the biggest thing keeping me going.
I've read this over and over and it does give me comfort. I have a hard time believing it, but it is good to hear. I don't think I would even believe it if she told me. Maybe I will with time.
OW
AG - thank you for the reassurance. That's something I could definitely use a lot of!
A few weeks ago I said I couldn't imagine my life without my son's T there to reassure me. I haven't talked to her or seen her since Dec. 18. I haven't completely shut down so I guess I'm doing OK.
I have been able to recognize the feelings and needs I'm trying to fulfill but what if I'm never able to actually fulfill them? I've never been very good at making friends - I have a lot of acquaintances but it never seems to go much deeper. I've known for a long time why I can't make friends and so far, knowing it hasn't helped much.
I understand, intellectually, why the relationship isn't happening, but I'm not there emotionally yet. I still want her to call and ask me if I want to go out and talk. So I'm trying to figure out if I can get someone to replace her and I just don't see it. I am working through my feelings with my new T, ever so painfully slowly, but I doubt I will ever have these sorts of feelings for my new T. I've had other Ts before, and this T feels very much like those. Right now I think that's a very good thing, because I wouldn't be able to be so open and honest if I was afraid this could happen again.
But there is still a huge void. Sometimes I'm mad at my son's T for pointing out this huge void in my life. She told me on more than one occasion that I need a support system, that no one can handle all this with no support. I was all set to bear it all alone, because that's what I've done my entire life. Then she became my support and showed me that it was possible for me to depend on someone else. She showed me what a relief it was to not bear something all alone.
After the fact, I'm not sure that was the best thing. I was in pretty bad shape, so maybe she did help me from completely falling apart. I may have started to believe my family members who told me I was doing everything wrong. My marriage may have very well fallen apart. But now I'm left still dealing with all the issues I was before, plus this new one.
Now that I'm in the middle of it there's no way I would turn around and stop, because I know I can't go back. I keep clinging to the hope that it will get better, and the inspiration I find here is probably the biggest thing keeping me going.
quote:I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
I've read this over and over and it does give me comfort. I have a hard time believing it, but it is good to hear. I don't think I would even believe it if she told me. Maybe I will with time.
OW
Ugh. I saw her today. My son had a psych appointment and I picked him at at school. I saw her at school (she was leaving) and then I saw her again at the psych office (psych sees the kids at a church office in town and she was bringing him paperwook). It was easy enough (well not really but I got through it without embarassing myself) to say 'hi' and then go about our business, but now I can't seem to concentrate on anything else.
OW
I'm sorry that you have to keep being reminded of the pain by running into her. It seems like you need some time to let the wound heal. You should feel proud of yourself though that you were able to say "hi" and then move on. Remember, baby steps.
I see my T in about an hour and I'm already freaking about how 50 minutes doesn't seem long enough and when I leave I will feel good for a little while, and then start missing her again. Sheesh! Why can't I just enjoy the "moment" and stop worrying about the future. Oh yeah, that's one of the reasons why I am seeing her.
PL
I'm sorry that you have to keep being reminded of the pain by running into her. It seems like you need some time to let the wound heal. You should feel proud of yourself though that you were able to say "hi" and then move on. Remember, baby steps.
I see my T in about an hour and I'm already freaking about how 50 minutes doesn't seem long enough and when I leave I will feel good for a little while, and then start missing her again. Sheesh! Why can't I just enjoy the "moment" and stop worrying about the future. Oh yeah, that's one of the reasons why I am seeing her.
PL
OW- that must be so frustrating to see her so much. I hope you can find some closure to this real soon. Please feel free to speak about it here as much as you need to. I know it's hard to hold stuff like that in and especially when not too many people understand what this is like. I don't want you to feel alone with this. That just makes it so much more enormous to deal with.
PL-How did your session go today? I think the longings are far more difficult right after session. At least for the first 24-48 hours. That's when I tend to call my T the most.
Hang in there you two. You're not alone!
JM
PL-How did your session go today? I think the longings are far more difficult right after session. At least for the first 24-48 hours. That's when I tend to call my T the most.
Hang in there you two. You're not alone!
JM
JM
Thanks for asking. Actually, it did and it didn't go so well. I mean, she was great as always, but we didn't end up talking about what I wanted to talk about. (whatever that was!) There is something going on with my son and we ended up talking about that. I feel sort of down about it because I feel like I wasted time that is supposed to be for me, on my son. I know that doesn't sound like a very nice mom. I'm just so tired of dealing with his problems at the moment. Anyway, the way I need to look at it is that she did help me with my response/coping with his issues. So I guess it was still about me. She says I have "battle fatigue" in regards to his problems. I'll get over this, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
The good thing is that I will be seeing her on Thursday. I have been going 2X's a week for the past few months because she felt that I needed more "containment." She was right because I couldn't make it the whole week without calling her and talking for another hour. I would rather talk to her in person than on the phone if I can. It has made my therapy much more intense, the transference more deep, but my progress much quicker. Even though I didn't think I got what I wanted, she knew what she was doing. I feel much better about the issue with my son and she gave me guidance in how to deal with him. He and I talked just a little while ago and I used all of her suggestions. It turned out well. Ok, I guess I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
PL
Thanks for asking. Actually, it did and it didn't go so well. I mean, she was great as always, but we didn't end up talking about what I wanted to talk about. (whatever that was!) There is something going on with my son and we ended up talking about that. I feel sort of down about it because I feel like I wasted time that is supposed to be for me, on my son. I know that doesn't sound like a very nice mom. I'm just so tired of dealing with his problems at the moment. Anyway, the way I need to look at it is that she did help me with my response/coping with his issues. So I guess it was still about me. She says I have "battle fatigue" in regards to his problems. I'll get over this, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
The good thing is that I will be seeing her on Thursday. I have been going 2X's a week for the past few months because she felt that I needed more "containment." She was right because I couldn't make it the whole week without calling her and talking for another hour. I would rather talk to her in person than on the phone if I can. It has made my therapy much more intense, the transference more deep, but my progress much quicker. Even though I didn't think I got what I wanted, she knew what she was doing. I feel much better about the issue with my son and she gave me guidance in how to deal with him. He and I talked just a little while ago and I used all of her suggestions. It turned out well. Ok, I guess I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
PL
Well, I guess we all have Transference Tuesday sessions! I was there today too. I saw Mr T before my session, and he spoke a couple times...it thrilled my heart...but I tried to act very professional. Then I saw him afterwards and he asked me if I was okay...is that not weird..Am I ok???...NO NO NO!! I'm not okay I wanted to say...I want to be in there working thru this with you not her!!!...but I just replied.."I'm fine thank you for asking"..but I guess him speaking to me before really helped...because I was able to open up about things with Ms. T like I never had before..it just takes time...of course He will be my fantasy for the next few days....it's always like that...it wouldn't be a problem if we seen them and then didn't think about them again until next time...it's just human nature!
OW, don't say you don't make friends easily...look at this forum...you are covered up with friends...we may not see things "EYE TO EYE"...LOL...but we are all here in the same boat...on the same river, with the same hole in the same float...helping each other to keep our heads above the water...is that not what true friends do?...I THINK SO!!...yes life stinks sometimes, but it does whether you have things going on or not. God gives us the valleys...so the mountain tops look more beautiful when we finally reach them...Just the other night I felt like a total idiot...but it was you that said...
It helped me thru the hour of gloom....and probably so many others on this forum we don't even know about...i see things that others post on here...that i apply to myself all the time...it helps!!. AG, JM, ShrinkLady..etc WE all do the same. I couldn't name all of us...I haven't been here long myself...but long enough to know that I can speak out of my heart...and others are listening and caring...have a great night, talk to you all later, and remember..
"When you click into this clique....you have been hand picked by the man upstairs that put you where people really care!!!"
Charlotte
PS I see my other new shrink (Mr. T2)tomorrow for the 2nd time...say a prayer for me...I'm already anxious!!!
OW, don't say you don't make friends easily...look at this forum...you are covered up with friends...we may not see things "EYE TO EYE"...LOL...but we are all here in the same boat...on the same river, with the same hole in the same float...helping each other to keep our heads above the water...is that not what true friends do?...I THINK SO!!...yes life stinks sometimes, but it does whether you have things going on or not. God gives us the valleys...so the mountain tops look more beautiful when we finally reach them...Just the other night I felt like a total idiot...but it was you that said...
quote:I don't think you're $*@(!(#(#!)() stupid. I think you're going through a really rough time and your new Mr. T2 is showing your real kindness. If I were you I'd want to soak up as much of that as I could.
It helped me thru the hour of gloom....and probably so many others on this forum we don't even know about...i see things that others post on here...that i apply to myself all the time...it helps!!. AG, JM, ShrinkLady..etc WE all do the same. I couldn't name all of us...I haven't been here long myself...but long enough to know that I can speak out of my heart...and others are listening and caring...have a great night, talk to you all later, and remember..
"When you click into this clique....you have been hand picked by the man upstairs that put you where people really care!!!"
Charlotte
PS I see my other new shrink (Mr. T2)tomorrow for the 2nd time...say a prayer for me...I'm already anxious!!!
Hi everyone. I had to cancel my appointment with my T and I would usually feel really upset about it but i didnt. she resheduled it in a few days later. I was meant to see her today.
I think that it was because of these new mother feelings ive been having and im a bit afraid of it because i have decided to discuss it with her in the next session.
I think that it was because of these new mother feelings ive been having and im a bit afraid of it because i have decided to discuss it with her in the next session.
Hey emerald,
I understand your stress. It was utterly painful when I expressed my transference to my T, but she accepted it very warmly. You already have a good solid working relationship with her so trust that and use that as a resource to build up the courage when you do talk to her. Think about her warmth and what you know to be true about her in her past dealing with you. And as AG would say "BREATHE."
If you haven't already done so I find it helps to write out my feelings on paper to try to get a clear idea of what I want to say. Then if you're like me you will probably stumble around it anyway. Some of us write letters or emails to our T so they can read it before hand and then it's already on the table when you show up. You can even just present the letter to her in person and let her read it and then discuss it. I've done this on difficult issues too and I find it really helps. I have learned that there isn't anything I can't discuss with my T. It doesn't mean it's easy, but it's true.
If this is distressing you too much to disclose this to her, just take it slow. You can at least relate that there is something distressing you that you need to discuss with her but don't quite know to go about it. She may help ease it out of you or you may be inclined to say "I'm just not ready yet." But take it slow and try to feel as grounded as you can.
Take care!
JM
I understand your stress. It was utterly painful when I expressed my transference to my T, but she accepted it very warmly. You already have a good solid working relationship with her so trust that and use that as a resource to build up the courage when you do talk to her. Think about her warmth and what you know to be true about her in her past dealing with you. And as AG would say "BREATHE."
If you haven't already done so I find it helps to write out my feelings on paper to try to get a clear idea of what I want to say. Then if you're like me you will probably stumble around it anyway.
Some of us write letters or emails to our T so they can read it before hand and then it's already on the table when you show up. You can even just present the letter to her in person and let her read it and then discuss it. I've done this on difficult issues too and I find it really helps. I have learned that there isn't anything I can't discuss with my T. It doesn't mean it's easy, but it's true. If this is distressing you too much to disclose this to her, just take it slow. You can at least relate that there is something distressing you that you need to discuss with her but don't quite know to go about it. She may help ease it out of you or you may be inclined to say "I'm just not ready yet." But take it slow and try to feel as grounded as you can.
Take care!
JM
PL- I've had sessions go that way too. Sometimes one or all of the kids are causing some stress and sometimes it's the dear ol hubbby. I know I needed to talk about it at the time, but I felt sort of cheated out of my session and what is supposed to be "my time." I don't share my T with anybody and sometimes that's what it feels like when I talk about my other relationships. But essentially it is supposed to help us learn how to work through those too. I just sort of tell my T that I want to put a time limit on the "side issues" to make room for me and that seems to help. I know we are experiencing hardship w/ our oldest son right from the other night that is stressing me out, but I don't want to use "my time" on it. I need a little direction from her, but I am going to try to limit it to 10 minutes today.
At least you get to see her twice a week and hopefully you can devote your next session just for you!
Talk to you later,
JM
At least you get to see her twice a week and hopefully you can devote your next session just for you!
Talk to you later,
JM
Yeah, JM -- for sure the next one will be about me. She asked me a question yesterday about myself and it started to bother me last night, So, I called her and left a VM. She will either call me back today, or I'm sure we will talk about it tomorrow. Either way, it WILL get addressed. 
Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not so selfish on wanting "my time" with my T. I know that all of my relationships relate to what we talk about. I'm glad that I think we are done talking about those for awhile. After all, "it's all about me!" Or it should be 'cause it hasn't been most of my life.
PL
Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not so selfish on wanting "my time" with my T. I know that all of my relationships relate to what we talk about. I'm glad that I think we are done talking about those for awhile. After all, "it's all about me!" Or it should be 'cause it hasn't been most of my life.
PL
Thanks guys. It is frustrating to see her but I may be secretly happy about it at the same time. Well I don't know if happy is the right word but I'm sure you know what I mean.
PL - I completely understand your feelings about wasting time talking about your son, and I don't agree that it doesn't sound like a very nice mom. It's so hard to find a balance between dealing with a child with issues, and making sure we are healthy so we can continue to parent on. Hopefully Thursday you can be as selfish as you want and just focus on you!
Charlotte - I had to chuckle a little when you were explaining what you were saying and what you were thinking. It's all too familiar when I see my son's T. What I say and what I think are so completely different! You guys do feel like true friends but it may not work out so well in real life! I'm much better at typing than I am at talking. And you guys understand me so much better than anyone I've met in real life. Thank you for letting me know I helped you. It does my heart good. I'm saying a prayer that your 2nd appointment turns out well... keep us posted!
Hi Emerald - I'm not looking forward to my session with my T on Thursday either. Like JM said (she is so smart, isn't she?), take it slow, and if you're not feeling it, it can always wait until a time when you are.
OW
PL - I completely understand your feelings about wasting time talking about your son, and I don't agree that it doesn't sound like a very nice mom. It's so hard to find a balance between dealing with a child with issues, and making sure we are healthy so we can continue to parent on. Hopefully Thursday you can be as selfish as you want and just focus on you!
Charlotte - I had to chuckle a little when you were explaining what you were saying and what you were thinking. It's all too familiar when I see my son's T. What I say and what I think are so completely different! You guys do feel like true friends but it may not work out so well in real life! I'm much better at typing than I am at talking. And you guys understand me so much better than anyone I've met in real life. Thank you for letting me know I helped you. It does my heart good. I'm saying a prayer that your 2nd appointment turns out well... keep us posted!
Hi Emerald - I'm not looking forward to my session with my T on Thursday either. Like JM said (she is so smart, isn't she?), take it slow, and if you're not feeling it, it can always wait until a time when you are.
OW
Hello everyone...where are you at?? I guess everyone is anxiously awaiting Transference Tuesday huh?? I know I am...I have had a pretty good week so far...OW how are you doing?...JM are you working over time again...the first of the year is a hard time...for me anyway...we have been doing some remodeling and my house is one more mess...but it will be great we are done. putting in new hardwood floors and re-painting our office and bedroom. This was our christmas present to each other...my hubby and I. maybe it will bring me luck in there you reckon??..haha! things do seem a little better this week, keep you fingers crossed...BTW my new shrink is okay...he just gives me my medications mostly...but he is really nice...but he's not my old Mr. T by no means!!I will talk with you all later, Charlotte
Hey Charlotte, good to hear from you. Everyone's around just in a lot of different threads. Transference hasn't been such a problem lately it seems. Most of us seem to be working on mom's right now.
I feel for you about the remodeling, it can be so disruptive but I'm glad you're looking forward to the changes. And I'm glad things are working out with the new shrink.
AG
I feel for you about the remodeling, it can be so disruptive but I'm glad you're looking forward to the changes. And I'm glad things are working out with the new shrink.
AG
Hi Charlotte!
I'm doing really good (posted about it in "I talked to my son's T" thread). I talked to her and it has made things much better. Thanks for asking!
Then my ongoing headache turned into a full-blown migraine yesterday so I'm trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible. Hard for me but computers and migraines really don't mix well!
Glad to hear your week has been good too.
OW
I'm doing really good (posted about it in "I talked to my son's T" thread). I talked to her and it has made things much better. Thanks for asking!
Then my ongoing headache turned into a full-blown migraine yesterday so I'm trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible. Hard for me but computers and migraines really don't mix well!
Glad to hear your week has been good too.
OW
Hi All
Sorry haven't been around since before the holidays - I was sick, my other half was sick etc etc and only back to work now. Still struggling with transference stuff - at the moment I'm so angry and embarrassed and upset over it I want out!! I really bared by soul this week to my T and I just felt he was being a real 'male' about it, you know, detached, analysing...don't know if I can keep doing this to myself. To cap it all off he slammed the door on me as I was leaving - not on purpose I know but I reacted very badly at the time and accused him of not being able to get rid of me fast enough!! I'm now mortified to go back. This is awful stuff, I know you guys know, but does it ever end. I really thought I had made some breakthroughs and was understanding more and now I'm all over the place again.
Question for you all - have any of you not told your significant other that you're in counselling?
I didn't because I don't think he will understand and now I don't know how to...
Lady
Sorry haven't been around since before the holidays - I was sick, my other half was sick etc etc and only back to work now. Still struggling with transference stuff - at the moment I'm so angry and embarrassed and upset over it I want out!! I really bared by soul this week to my T and I just felt he was being a real 'male' about it, you know, detached, analysing...don't know if I can keep doing this to myself. To cap it all off he slammed the door on me as I was leaving - not on purpose I know but I reacted very badly at the time and accused him of not being able to get rid of me fast enough!! I'm now mortified to go back. This is awful stuff, I know you guys know, but does it ever end. I really thought I had made some breakthroughs and was understanding more and now I'm all over the place again.
Question for you all - have any of you not told your significant other that you're in counselling?
I didn't because I don't think he will understand and now I don't know how to...
Lady
LoS
I can really identify with some of what you are saying. The transference thing is just so confusing and painful to me. Just recently I really bared my all about how I felt about my T. She accepted it very positively and she knows I am totally dependent on her. I thought that would help to get rid of the difficult feelings, and it did for a few days. But then something happened that triggered those feelings again and I am fighting so hard to keep them at bay. I feel like I'm going to have to tell her all of it all over again to give myself some peace. This frightens me.
Your T probably didn't react the way you hoped he would, but don't give up on it. And try not to be embarrassed, even though I know that is an emotion we all have trouble with. He needs to hear what your feelings are about his reaction to you. My T has apologized before when she realized that she did not handle something in a way that made sense to me.
About the significant other - my husband knows that I go to therapy. Sometimes, not often, I tell him some of the things we talk about. But, I have been going 2X's a week for a few months and I have not told him that. One obvious reason is the $, but the other is that I don't think he would understand why. I also could never explain the transference feelings to him. I hardly understand them myself and I feel a little embarrassed that I need her more than I seem to need him at the moment.
I'm sure that you have made some changes in yourself since you started therapy. You may think these are small, but maybe your husband has noticed. You might start out with that conversation and when you feel comfortable, tell him how you have been able to do this. I don't know if this will work for you, just an idea. My best wishes for you on all this.
PL
I can really identify with some of what you are saying. The transference thing is just so confusing and painful to me. Just recently I really bared my all about how I felt about my T. She accepted it very positively and she knows I am totally dependent on her. I thought that would help to get rid of the difficult feelings, and it did for a few days. But then something happened that triggered those feelings again and I am fighting so hard to keep them at bay. I feel like I'm going to have to tell her all of it all over again to give myself some peace. This frightens me.
Your T probably didn't react the way you hoped he would, but don't give up on it. And try not to be embarrassed, even though I know that is an emotion we all have trouble with. He needs to hear what your feelings are about his reaction to you. My T has apologized before when she realized that she did not handle something in a way that made sense to me.
About the significant other - my husband knows that I go to therapy. Sometimes, not often, I tell him some of the things we talk about. But, I have been going 2X's a week for a few months and I have not told him that. One obvious reason is the $, but the other is that I don't think he would understand why. I also could never explain the transference feelings to him. I hardly understand them myself and I feel a little embarrassed that I need her more than I seem to need him at the moment.
I'm sure that you have made some changes in yourself since you started therapy. You may think these are small, but maybe your husband has noticed. You might start out with that conversation and when you feel comfortable, tell him how you have been able to do this. I don't know if this will work for you, just an idea. My best wishes for you on all this.
PL
Hi Lady... I felt I had to reply here because I can relate on two levels. The first is that I have not told my dh that I am in therapy. I have a few reasons. First because he does not really believe in therapy and thinks it's pretty much a lot of just talking and BS. The other is that I want this for myself. I want to be able to have this time for ME and I don't want anyone clouding it or ruining it for me like I know he would. He would want to know everything I told my T and if I didn't tell him he would start acting all weird on me. Or he would judge me in some way for going. And I would feel that I HAD to tell him what I talked about. Now that I'm in therapy, it would be even harder to admit because I am also now so lost in transference with my T. This is hard enough to keep to myself without him knowing about therapy. Yes, it's a tangled web but I know that I am less inhibited with my T because no one really knows that I see him.
Now...I had a session where I needed to make a decision about something and was struggling so I brought it to my T. I needed to talk about my feelings and emotions related to this decision and he seemed to just want to write things down, make lists and act all analytical and detached about it. I kept trying to talk about emotions and he was writing away and being pragmatic. His behavior infuriated me and after awhile I just shut down. He was not getting it and I just gave up instead of calling him on it. I stewed about it all day and that night wrote him a scathing email accusing him of all sorts of (unfair) things.
He emailed me back totally shocked at what I had written and told me I should come in to talk to him about it the next day because he had no idea I was so upset. When I saw him he was visibly concerned and confused by what had happened. I accused him of acting like a "male" and not understanding or not even trying to see what I needed. He said I should have stopped him and told him what I needed from him. Of course by this time I was also feeling sheepish because I had realized that my anger over this was coming from the past and I was not really angry with him but with how some adults in the past had ignored and/or betrayed my needs at the time.
So what I'm saying is that because of that what happened during that session when I felt he was being too analytical and practical we had a very deep, wonderful, clearing the air, very connected session which set the stage for a lot of exploring of other issues. So it all turned out really well. The key is to be courageous enough to look inside yourself to see why you had that reaction and also to take what you learn back to your T and discuss it openly and honestly. Despite my transference love for my T I seem to have no reservations about confronting him on things that bother me. I would guess this is a good thing because I don't let my feelings for him interfere with the therapy we need to do. And he is always very responsive and accommodating to me. And he never seems to hold a grudge LOL. Of course, he is not supposed to either!
On a funny side note... the other day we were talking and he was trying to keep everything I was saying straight and he smiled at me and said "well I would have written it all down except that I don't dare pick up my pad any more" I had to laugh at that because I knew what he was referring to. I told him that I'm over that now and he could feel free to jot stuff down whenever he needs to... but that if I feel upset by it I will just tell him.
Just thought I'd share.
TN
Now...I had a session where I needed to make a decision about something and was struggling so I brought it to my T. I needed to talk about my feelings and emotions related to this decision and he seemed to just want to write things down, make lists and act all analytical and detached about it. I kept trying to talk about emotions and he was writing away and being pragmatic. His behavior infuriated me and after awhile I just shut down. He was not getting it and I just gave up instead of calling him on it. I stewed about it all day and that night wrote him a scathing email accusing him of all sorts of (unfair) things.
He emailed me back totally shocked at what I had written and told me I should come in to talk to him about it the next day because he had no idea I was so upset. When I saw him he was visibly concerned and confused by what had happened. I accused him of acting like a "male" and not understanding or not even trying to see what I needed. He said I should have stopped him and told him what I needed from him. Of course by this time I was also feeling sheepish because I had realized that my anger over this was coming from the past and I was not really angry with him but with how some adults in the past had ignored and/or betrayed my needs at the time.
So what I'm saying is that because of that what happened during that session when I felt he was being too analytical and practical we had a very deep, wonderful, clearing the air, very connected session which set the stage for a lot of exploring of other issues. So it all turned out really well. The key is to be courageous enough to look inside yourself to see why you had that reaction and also to take what you learn back to your T and discuss it openly and honestly. Despite my transference love for my T I seem to have no reservations about confronting him on things that bother me. I would guess this is a good thing because I don't let my feelings for him interfere with the therapy we need to do. And he is always very responsive and accommodating to me. And he never seems to hold a grudge LOL. Of course, he is not supposed to either!
On a funny side note... the other day we were talking and he was trying to keep everything I was saying straight and he smiled at me and said "well I would have written it all down except that I don't dare pick up my pad any more" I had to laugh at that because I knew what he was referring to. I told him that I'm over that now and he could feel free to jot stuff down whenever he needs to... but that if I feel upset by it I will just tell him.
Just thought I'd share.
TN
TN and PL
Thank you both for replying - I feel much relieved on both counts....
Lady
Thank you both for replying - I feel much relieved on both counts....
Lady
LoS,
It's good to hear from you, it's been awhile and I was getting a little worried about you. Glad you're finally feeling better.
Just because you're all over the place again, doesn't mean that the breakthroughs and understandings didn't happen. The nature of this work is that you need to experience something new over and over again in order to heal, so sometimes it feels like you're stuck when you're really not. I really do think it eventually ends, but it's slow going. I just had an amazing, wonderful appt with my T (see Gift Giving) and now I am experiencing serious snapback. I really thought I had worked through all the variations but getting so close is making me want to run again. Todays' flavor is "you can't have everything you want so get out now before it gets even more painful." Every time I really connect with him, I enjoy it for a day or so, then the feeling of bereft longing for what I cannot have and know will never be rises up. And I feel like a spoiled, greedy child who will never have enough. And then I realize that I'm going to have to discuss it with my T (if we can EVER reschedule, but that's a bitter story for another day.) and just how many times do I have to go over this?
On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long. So I do think there's hope, but when you're going through it, it's so overwhelming and feels like forever.
My husband does know about therapy because we also see my T together for marital counseling. He also knows about the transference. The day after I told my T I was attracted to him, I told my husband. It just felt REALLY wrong to go into a couples session knowing how I felt about our T, knowing that my T knew and my poor husband would be the only one in the room who didn't know. He was really good about it, still is, much better than I would be I think. But I think that he really trusts both me and my T that nothing's going to happen. He's been in therapy also (not for as long a stretches as I have) so he mainly gets it. At least he does now, he used to not be good about it. But I must admit, I think he's a rare man in the amount of patience he has with me when I'm dealing with my stuff.
AG
It's good to hear from you, it's been awhile and I was getting a little worried about you. Glad you're finally feeling better.
quote:This is awful stuff, I know you guys know, but does it ever end. I really thought I had made some breakthroughs and was understanding more and now I'm all over the place again.
Just because you're all over the place again, doesn't mean that the breakthroughs and understandings didn't happen. The nature of this work is that you need to experience something new over and over again in order to heal, so sometimes it feels like you're stuck when you're really not. I really do think it eventually ends, but it's slow going. I just had an amazing, wonderful appt with my T (see Gift Giving) and now I am experiencing serious snapback. I really thought I had worked through all the variations but getting so close is making me want to run again. Todays' flavor is "you can't have everything you want so get out now before it gets even more painful." Every time I really connect with him, I enjoy it for a day or so, then the feeling of bereft longing for what I cannot have and know will never be rises up. And I feel like a spoiled, greedy child who will never have enough. And then I realize that I'm going to have to discuss it with my T (if we can EVER reschedule, but that's a bitter story for another day.
) and just how many times do I have to go over this?On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long. So I do think there's hope, but when you're going through it, it's so overwhelming and feels like forever.
My husband does know about therapy because we also see my T together for marital counseling. He also knows about the transference. The day after I told my T I was attracted to him, I told my husband. It just felt REALLY wrong to go into a couples session knowing how I felt about our T, knowing that my T knew and my poor husband would be the only one in the room who didn't know. He was really good about it, still is, much better than I would be I think. But I think that he really trusts both me and my T that nothing's going to happen. He's been in therapy also (not for as long a stretches as I have) so he mainly gets it. At least he does now, he used to not be good about it. But I must admit, I think he's a rare man in the amount of patience he has with me when I'm dealing with my stuff.
AG
quote:On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long.
AG
This is so true. It is hard to remember this during the rough times, but it does help to get me through them. All the letters that I have sent to my T are on my computer, so when I am feeling really low (and the VM's don't get me through it,) I can go back and read them. It is interesting to me to see the progress I've made when reading the ones I wrote a while ago.
I also understand the "just how many times do I have to go over this." Sometimes I feel like I've gone over stuff so much that she must be bored with it, but I need the reassurance. That seems to be what eventually makes it work.
PL
Hello Guys,
I guess this is where I will jump back in the forum at...I know some of you know where I have been with my transference in the past...PL and LS...Thank God your T's understand you and you can confront them....When I confronted my Old Mr. T a couple months ago...He dismissed me at the next session...See Transference I (pg 9 posts 38, pg 12 post 37 to get the pre story) and Transference II pg 1 post 38 for the big blow up) I t was the biggest slap in the face I ever expereinced...but to beat it all...I can never tell my husband any of it...he would probably leave me....he is very old school...and very jealous...(of all 230 pounds of blubbering old fat I carry around!! lol) I really truley hated him for many weeks...but guess what?? I see another female T and I also see him every week in the office (just passing by) but he always speaks to me...and I speak to him...it gets easier every week...I have made great strides with Ms. T...I know Mr. T is reading my work and keeping tabs on me and she told me 3 weeks ago that he was so proud of the success I was making... but guess again...I still love that man...guess I always will..but I see myself beginning to break away and although I see him every week and my heart flutters...it flutters because I know he sees improvement in me...and I know he did the right thing...to help me get better...but I still hate him for it...in a loving way!! I know that he is there, not seeing me...but seeing me...does that make sense?
And the most amazing thing is the people on this forum were there for me from the first moment I signed on!!! They helped me thru it and still help me thru crap when it piles up!!...They help me many times just talking to others..I take their words and put it in my own situation...hang tight...and posts your every need for information...somebody here has what you need to hear...it's just one of God's many blessings that he gives us!!
Oh my gosh JM....I just did it...remember the conversation we had about the transference rd? First you go down it, then you can lead others...thanks all my pals...It's getting easier for old Charlotte....and it ain't getting easier too!!!!!...you just have to be in the transference club to understand that one...LOL....
Talk to you all later...C.
I guess this is where I will jump back in the forum at...I know some of you know where I have been with my transference in the past...PL and LS...Thank God your T's understand you and you can confront them....When I confronted my Old Mr. T a couple months ago...He dismissed me at the next session...See Transference I (pg 9 posts 38, pg 12 post 37 to get the pre story) and Transference II pg 1 post 38 for the big blow up) I t was the biggest slap in the face I ever expereinced...but to beat it all...I can never tell my husband any of it...he would probably leave me....he is very old school...and very jealous...(of all 230 pounds of blubbering old fat I carry around!! lol) I really truley hated him for many weeks...but guess what?? I see another female T and I also see him every week in the office (just passing by) but he always speaks to me...and I speak to him...it gets easier every week...I have made great strides with Ms. T...I know Mr. T is reading my work and keeping tabs on me and she told me 3 weeks ago that he was so proud of the success I was making... but guess again...I still love that man...guess I always will..but I see myself beginning to break away and although I see him every week and my heart flutters...it flutters because I know he sees improvement in me...and I know he did the right thing...to help me get better...but I still hate him for it...in a loving way!! I know that he is there, not seeing me...but seeing me...does that make sense?
And the most amazing thing is the people on this forum were there for me from the first moment I signed on!!! They helped me thru it and still help me thru crap when it piles up!!...They help me many times just talking to others..I take their words and put it in my own situation...hang tight...and posts your every need for information...somebody here has what you need to hear...it's just one of God's many blessings that he gives us!!
Oh my gosh JM....I just did it...remember the conversation we had about the transference rd? First you go down it, then you can lead others...thanks all my pals...It's getting easier for old Charlotte....and it ain't getting easier too!!!!!...you just have to be in the transference club to understand that one...LOL....
Talk to you all later...C.
Hi Charlotte,
Glad to hear things are still going ok for you on your bumpy journey along "Transference Road." (Why does that sound like such a good title for a book?-Perhaps I just need some sleep.) I am happy that it's getting easier when you run into Mr. T and that things are working so well with Ms. T. Of course you still love that man, he continues to show great care and concern for you. I think it's natural for you to hold onto some of those feelings for a while and even get flutters when you see him. It'll take time, but all of that will continue to ease up. Meanwhile your strength and fortitude are an asset to our community.
And Charlotte, I am sure that there are others who are quietly lurking on the side lines of this forum who read your posts and sadly share your horrifying experiences but are inspired by your courage and determination too.
Thanks for keeping us updated on you progress and to know that even the heartaches of heartaches does not have to mean the end of it. You have bravely conquered the agonizing pain that all of us fear and dread most and you have shown that there is even a bright hope illuminating from the other side. Thank you for sharing this with us.
JM
Glad to hear things are still going ok for you on your bumpy journey along "Transference Road." (Why does that sound like such a good title for a book?-Perhaps I just need some sleep.) I am happy that it's getting easier when you run into Mr. T and that things are working so well with Ms. T. Of course you still love that man, he continues to show great care and concern for you. I think it's natural for you to hold onto some of those feelings for a while and even get flutters when you see him. It'll take time, but all of that will continue to ease up. Meanwhile your strength and fortitude are an asset to our community.
And Charlotte, I am sure that there are others who are quietly lurking on the side lines of this forum who read your posts and sadly share your horrifying experiences but are inspired by your courage and determination too.
Thanks for keeping us updated on you progress and to know that even the heartaches of heartaches does not have to mean the end of it. You have bravely conquered the agonizing pain that all of us fear and dread most and you have shown that there is even a bright hope illuminating from the other side. Thank you for sharing this with us.
JM
Hey everyone,
I came across an interesting theory about transference today on a discussion board about transference and the show "In Treatment." The poster said:
For me, this hit home. In the very early stages of my situation with Dr. X, there was a song that I identified with this situation and the lyrics said: "I saw it/something in your eyes/I wanted it for myself." I always read it as wanting him for myself but what I "saw" in those early days was compassion. Compassion for ME. I have spent a lifetime being so hard on myself, reducing my own experiences, tearing myself down, and not being completely forthcoming. He has done none of those things. He has treated me with understanding, validated my experiences, shown compassion, caring and honesty, even when it was clearly counter-transferential and slightly blurred the boundary lines. He has shown me a human love that I desperately want to give myself. Because of seeing these qualities in him as a positive instead of a sign of weakness, I have been able to help myself by being more forthcoming about myself, of not reducing my own experiences down to nothing, of giving myself the self-compassion that I have been in need of. In a way, he is a mirror.
SG
I came across an interesting theory about transference today on a discussion board about transference and the show "In Treatment." The poster said:
quote:in therapy, i suggest the transference occurs when the patient begins to fall in love with the self that has been repressed and sees that self mirrored in the therapist.
if you accept that concept, isn't it easy to see that taking oneself to therapy is an act of self love?
when the therapy works, the person is better able to love and accept self and learns how to create change for the better. the therapist/facilitator is the guide and through the good therapist's eyes, a person can begin to see self in a more loving, less frightening way.
For me, this hit home. In the very early stages of my situation with Dr. X, there was a song that I identified with this situation and the lyrics said: "I saw it/something in your eyes/I wanted it for myself." I always read it as wanting him for myself but what I "saw" in those early days was compassion. Compassion for ME. I have spent a lifetime being so hard on myself, reducing my own experiences, tearing myself down, and not being completely forthcoming. He has done none of those things. He has treated me with understanding, validated my experiences, shown compassion, caring and honesty, even when it was clearly counter-transferential and slightly blurred the boundary lines. He has shown me a human love that I desperately want to give myself. Because of seeing these qualities in him as a positive instead of a sign of weakness, I have been able to help myself by being more forthcoming about myself, of not reducing my own experiences down to nothing, of giving myself the self-compassion that I have been in need of. In a way, he is a mirror.
SG
WOW! SG
Thanks for sharing this. It really gives me a lot of food for thought, and makes so much sense. I think I might start looking at this transference in a much different way, and therefore suffer much less pain.
PL
Thanks for sharing this. It really gives me a lot of food for thought, and makes so much sense. I think I might start looking at this transference in a much different way, and therefore suffer much less pain.
PL
Thank you, SG. Your post was really beautiful and insightful. Like, PL, it has given me a lot of new stuff to think about.
SG,
That is so true. My T and I spent a lot of time when I first started working with him talking about mirroring. That humans are incapable of knowing themselves outside of being in a relationship. But that not having a secure attachement is like looking in a mirror and getting no reflection, so how do you know who you are? And if you can't know that, how could you possibly appreciate who you are?
But I never made the leap to seeing my feelings for my T as a reflection of my feelings about myself. Going to be noodling on that one for awhile. Although, it is a cheering thought because if it's true, I REALLY REALLY like myself. Thanks for the insight.
AG
That is so true. My T and I spent a lot of time when I first started working with him talking about mirroring. That humans are incapable of knowing themselves outside of being in a relationship. But that not having a secure attachement is like looking in a mirror and getting no reflection, so how do you know who you are? And if you can't know that, how could you possibly appreciate who you are?
But I never made the leap to seeing my feelings for my T as a reflection of my feelings about myself. Going to be noodling on that one for awhile. Although, it is a cheering thought because if it's true, I REALLY REALLY like myself.
Thanks for the insight.AG
quote:have any of you not told your significant other that you're in counselling
LADY:
I did not tell my husband until after my first visit(I had called and scheduled then cancelled many times before this first actaul appointment, too). Then I just decided to go ahead because I was in such bad shape at the time. I guess I didn't really care one way or the other at the time what he would think or say. He reacted much better than I thought he would. We were not doing great in our marriage at th time either. My counseling actually helped our marriage in that it helped me figure out some things I was afraid of and why I was acting the ways was towards my husband at times. Actually I would go so far as to say it even SAVED my marriage, even though my husband did not go with me.
I don't know your situation at all, but maybe you should ask your counselor how to approach the subject with your partner. Good luck whatever you decide to do. Take care of YOU!!
SP:
Your post was SOOOO interesting! Like the others have written, it is alot to think about, but I'm thinking there's alot of truth to it!! Thanks for posting.
Your post was SOOOO interesting! Like the others have written, it is alot to think about, but I'm thinking there's alot of truth to it!! Thanks for posting.
SG,
You know I really believe this is true. I think the ultimate goal of therapy is to learn to love ourselves and mirroring that through our T's reaction to us (and our needs)is one way we achieve that. An infant learns its value and place in this world through the response of it's primary attachment figure. By feeling and experiencing being loved they learn to love (themselves). When that doesn't happen properly we get a second chance in therapy through developing a deep attachment to our therapist.
I hate to repeate myself, but I made a remark to my T about how much I love being with her in session and her response was because it was all about me there and that I am learning to enjoy being around myself. In therapy it is all about us. What we enjoy about being with our T is not because we are learning anything about them, but that we are learning so much about ourselves, our belonging and place in this world, and how our tragedies do not define us, but that we are important and worthwhile, and lovable despite what we have suffered.
Thanks for sharing SG. This is so important.
JM
You know I really believe this is true. I think the ultimate goal of therapy is to learn to love ourselves and mirroring that through our T's reaction to us (and our needs)is one way we achieve that. An infant learns its value and place in this world through the response of it's primary attachment figure. By feeling and experiencing being loved they learn to love (themselves). When that doesn't happen properly we get a second chance in therapy through developing a deep attachment to our therapist.
I hate to repeate myself, but I made a remark to my T about how much I love being with her in session and her response was because it was all about me there and that I am learning to enjoy being around myself. In therapy it is all about us. What we enjoy about being with our T is not because we are learning anything about them, but that we are learning so much about ourselves, our belonging and place in this world, and how our tragedies do not define us, but that we are important and worthwhile, and lovable despite what we have suffered.
Thanks for sharing SG. This is so important.
JM
Hi All
This is really interesting stuff especially the self-love reflection idea.
I met with my T yesterday. I'm still p"*sed with him. We've been so close and I'm not getting that from him now and I don't know if he is pulling away, if I'm pulling away or if it's just the process. He's still there for me but not in the same way. I don't see the compassion in his eyes or hear it in his voice - I don't experience him in the same way but I know he's there for me. I'm in a complete mess about it all. I'm crying a lot - not overly distressed or anything but I seem to be crying every time I'm on my own. It's like I'm grieving or am heartbroken. I know from your posts that some of you have experienced these emotions. I feel I'm in the grip of something and I want to go on and I want to stop at the same time.
He brought up the question of whether or not I was paying attention to the way I dress when I'm meeting him and I just bounced it right back and denied that there was anything in it, that I was usually dressed for work when I met him at the end of the day. I don't feel able to acknowledge that he might have something there....
I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.
I haven't told him this and I imagine you're all (well a few of the usual suspects anyway AG, JM, PL...) going to say I should.
I tell ya it's not gettin any easier!
Lady
This is really interesting stuff especially the self-love reflection idea.
I met with my T yesterday. I'm still p"*sed with him. We've been so close and I'm not getting that from him now and I don't know if he is pulling away, if I'm pulling away or if it's just the process. He's still there for me but not in the same way. I don't see the compassion in his eyes or hear it in his voice - I don't experience him in the same way but I know he's there for me. I'm in a complete mess about it all. I'm crying a lot - not overly distressed or anything but I seem to be crying every time I'm on my own. It's like I'm grieving or am heartbroken. I know from your posts that some of you have experienced these emotions. I feel I'm in the grip of something and I want to go on and I want to stop at the same time.
He brought up the question of whether or not I was paying attention to the way I dress when I'm meeting him and I just bounced it right back and denied that there was anything in it, that I was usually dressed for work when I met him at the end of the day. I don't feel able to acknowledge that he might have something there....
I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.
I haven't told him this and I imagine you're all (well a few of the usual suspects anyway AG, JM, PL...) going to say I should.
I tell ya it's not gettin any easier!
Lady
(((Lady)))
As one of your aforementioned usual suspects I just want to say that I understand your fears, your needing attention and thinking that you are losing him or that he is pulling away and that you might be inclined to make something up to hold onto him or to regain what you feel you've lost, is completely understandable to me. When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok.
I can't say for sure, but most likely you are projecting your T pulling away when it is likey you doing so as we tend to want to run from danger and getting close to our T's feels dangerous sometimes because trusting and being close to someone in the past often meant danger and getting hurt. So when you hit a speed bump even or should I say especially, in the relationship with your T a very primitive response takes over (in the amygdala)that tells you to run away and we do this w/o even noticing most of the time thinking and believing that it is others who are pulling away from us. This is something my T has painfully tried to pound into my head over the years. The fact that you question it and recognize that it is "possibly you" is actually a very big leap in your awareness of it and progress. So hopefully this normalizs what you are feeling and would make it easier for you to approach your T about anything you feel you need to talk about.
Just so you know I am painfully torn right now with a decision to share something with my T too. So I still experience the painful emotions, the grief, and heartbreak (and very currently mind you) that we feel in this relationship that reflects from so many relationships and experiences in the span of our lifetime and the fear of losing someone so significant that it feels like our life force will just expire. Perhaps you have a better handle on this than I do right now, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is not uncommon or unique to yourself.
I have a thought about what he said about the way you dress when meeting him. I think of it this way, when you notice a concern about a close friend or someone you care about you are more inclined to feel free to express that to them than you would a stranger or an acquaintence. Your T being willing to broach a typically sensitive subject and bring this to your attention reveals the level of confidence and trust that he feels you have both reached in your relationship. I don't know it is just a thought, but I can also relate to your initial defensiveness. I know I get that way with my T a lot. I don't know why the woman puts up with me, really.
So if you tell your T about being tempted to make things up to get his attention how do you think he's going to react? My guess is he's going to help you get to the source of that temptation and why you feel a need to do that and even help you to accept that part of you and to lessen the need to feel like you have to continue to do that. That sounds like a good place to go to me.
I know that right now this is not getting any easier. But it always proves to be worth it after we unravel and mend those broken areas. There just seems to be a lot broken sometimes, huh?
Hang in there, we'll make it.
JM
As one of your aforementioned usual suspects
I just want to say that I understand your fears, your needing attention and thinking that you are losing him or that he is pulling away and that you might be inclined to make something up to hold onto him or to regain what you feel you've lost, is completely understandable to me. When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok. I can't say for sure, but most likely you are projecting your T pulling away when it is likey you doing so as we tend to want to run from danger and getting close to our T's feels dangerous sometimes because trusting and being close to someone in the past often meant danger and getting hurt. So when you hit a speed bump even or should I say especially, in the relationship with your T a very primitive response takes over (in the amygdala)that tells you to run away and we do this w/o even noticing most of the time thinking and believing that it is others who are pulling away from us. This is something my T has painfully tried to pound into my head over the years. The fact that you question it and recognize that it is "possibly you" is actually a very big leap in your awareness of it and progress. So hopefully this normalizs what you are feeling and would make it easier for you to approach your T about anything you feel you need to talk about.
Just so you know I am painfully torn right now with a decision to share something with my T too. So I still experience the painful emotions, the grief, and heartbreak (and very currently mind you) that we feel in this relationship that reflects from so many relationships and experiences in the span of our lifetime and the fear of losing someone so significant that it feels like our life force will just expire. Perhaps you have a better handle on this than I do right now, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is not uncommon or unique to yourself.
I have a thought about what he said about the way you dress when meeting him. I think of it this way, when you notice a concern about a close friend or someone you care about you are more inclined to feel free to express that to them than you would a stranger or an acquaintence. Your T being willing to broach a typically sensitive subject and bring this to your attention reveals the level of confidence and trust that he feels you have both reached in your relationship. I don't know it is just a thought, but I can also relate to your initial defensiveness. I know I get that way with my T a lot. I don't know why the woman puts up with me, really.
So if you tell your T about being tempted to make things up to get his attention how do you think he's going to react? My guess is he's going to help you get to the source of that temptation and why you feel a need to do that and even help you to accept that part of you and to lessen the need to feel like you have to continue to do that. That sounds like a good place to go to me.
I know that right now this is not getting any easier. But it always proves to be worth it after we unravel and mend those broken areas. There just seems to be a lot broken sometimes, huh?
Hang in there, we'll make it.
JM
Sometimes when I start feeling better and things in my life are going well I start to panic because I'm afraid my T will get bored with me and/or I won't need to see her anymore.
Other times, when the crap is all hitting the fan and I am a royal mess, I wonder if there is anything at all about me or my situation that is particularly interesting or challenging to my T, or am I just another one in a long line of clients that say the same stuff to her over and over again day after day. I guess I want to be special even if being special means that I am the worst case of whatever she has ever seen.
I guess that is what it boils down to: I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her. I'm trying to get on even ground with her and diffuse the power differential some. (This whole last paragraph is something I just thought of while writing this post. Thanks Lady and JM for that bit of inspiration!)
Other times, when the crap is all hitting the fan and I am a royal mess, I wonder if there is anything at all about me or my situation that is particularly interesting or challenging to my T, or am I just another one in a long line of clients that say the same stuff to her over and over again day after day. I guess I want to be special even if being special means that I am the worst case of whatever she has ever seen.
I guess that is what it boils down to: I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her. I'm trying to get on even ground with her and diffuse the power differential some. (This whole last paragraph is something I just thought of while writing this post. Thanks Lady and JM for that bit of inspiration!)
quote:When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok.
LoS
What JM says here is so important. I have struggled so hard with this and I still do. It just made no sense to me that I should have these childish feelings as I'm a grown adult and these are inappropriate to me. My T has explained many times that it is appropriate in therapy because these are the feelings that did not get addressed or validated or whatever when I was a child and I need to experience them now in order to work through them. It is scary and painful, but little by little I think I will get through them. I also told my T that I thought I was making things up just to get her attention. In my mind, I still have that fear that if I get better, she won't want to waste her time with me anymore. Again, all of this relates to my childhood where my feelings weren't taken seriously or validated.
Interesting that your T asked you about what you wear. I never gave this much thought before, but I ALWAYS plan what I put on for work on the days I have therapy. It is important to me that I look good for her. When you figure out what this means, let me know.
This whole relationship with our T's can be so overwhelming, painful and loving. I guess for me, it just depends on what is going on at the moment as to which emotion I am feeling. Right now I'm loving her with all my heart as she is really supporting me through some pretty difficult stuff, but who knows what next week will bring. As difficult and painful as it is to tell some things to our T's, it really does bring relief afterwards. (says the biggest chicken of the year!)
PL
quote:I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her.
Those are good questions River, have you considered coming right out and asking her? You may be pleasantly surprised at her answers.
My T actually mentioned that there are "idiosyncracies" to our relationship this week. This may be a leap, but I take what I can get and translate that to mean special.
eheh. "Idiosyncracies! She said we have idiosyncracies, gosh!" *blush* She has also told me that each of her clients enter her mind outside of therapy at different times including me. And that it's never "out of sight out of mind" kind of deal for her. It's sort of like someone who has more than one child (which you and I share the fact of having an only child, but can relate to anyway I think)They can love all their children equally while finding room for specialties in each of their relationships.
Thanks HB
Actually, I was thinking that I am not really coping well with what is going on at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself today. But, you made me rethink this and to tell you the truth, with the enormity of what I'm dealing with right now, I AM coping. At least coping better than I have in the past and that is a step in the right direction. It doesn't mean the problem has gone away by any means, but looking at this in a different way is helping me to pull myself out of today's depression I am so glad I joined this forum. Everyone here has given me so much and made me feel as if there is a light somewhere at the end of this very long tunnel.
Actually, I was thinking that I am not really coping well with what is going on at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself today. But, you made me rethink this and to tell you the truth, with the enormity of what I'm dealing with right now, I AM coping. At least coping better than I have in the past and that is a step in the right direction.
It doesn't mean the problem has gone away by any means, but looking at this in a different way is helping me to pull myself out of today's depression I am so glad I joined this forum. Everyone here has given me so much and made me feel as if there is a light somewhere at the end of this very long tunnel.quote:I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.
HB
Great analogy. I agree and I'll try to keep that picture in my mind today. I called my T last night because the downward spiral was beginning and I woke up with it too. She will call me sometime today and at least I know I can have a conversation with her without so much depression. For now, I'm hanging in a linear place and hoping I will begin to spiral up rather than down soon.
PL
quote:I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.
HB,
I love this analogy too. It speaks to my inner athlete that is lost in there somewhere struggling to find her way out again.
PL,
I hope you are able to use that spiral in an upward direction too. I never considered it that way as if we might even have a choice to use the momentum to carry us in a centrifugal direction. I just called my T too hoping she will be able to give me a little pep talk since I lack the motivation myself.
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time too PL. Whatever this stuff is that you are dealing with is certainly not deserved and if sweetness were an inability to hurt you'd never have to worry about it. You are as brave and strong in your coping as HB pointed out. I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.
JM
quote:I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.
Thanks JM
She just called. She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste. She told me that I should go to dinner and a movie tonight with my husband to get my mind off of this situation. Wish she had asked me to go to a movie with her!!
Ok, sorry I digressed. Well anyway, I feel so much better at the moment. She knows me better than I know myself, and seems to always know just the right thing to say to help me out.
Thanks JM and HB for all your support. the downward spiral has been thwarted for now. Let's see how long it takes me to think something else up.
PL
quote:She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste.
It isn't enough that it seems like we live parallel lives PL, but our T's do too? That or she is the same T.
I wont ask where you live or where your T works. Only thing though, my T wouldn't suggest my husband and I go to dinner and a movie. Not that anything is wrong with that, I just don't see that coming from my T. Nor would she ask me to go either. 
My T also asked me about what I have done to self-soothe and suggested my recording as we already discussed in someone else's topic. Ssshh! Glad you thwarted that spiral!
JM
Yeah JM, it is funny how much we seem to have in common. The reason she suggested the dinner and movie is because I really need to connect better emotionally with my husband. My shield hides me from everyone. Also, my situation at this time involves our son and she tells me all the time not to let our son's issues come between my husband and me. For the real self-soothing, I am doing mindfullness meditation. I have just started taking a class and it will go for the next 7 weeks. I should be really mellow or really mindless (OOPS!) mindful, by the end of this.
PL
PL
quote:I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.
HELLO LOS,
I GUESS THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY ONE OF US THAT HASN'T PLOTED OR EVEN FUDGED AN ISSUE WITH OUR T'S OR OUR HUSBANDS, OR FRIENDS, ETC. WHEN WE FEEL LIKE THERE IS AN ABSOLUTE NEED FOR SOME ONE ON ONE ATTENTION. GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS...YES, WE ALL THINK UP CHILDISH THINGS SOMETIMES...BUT TRUST ME THERE IS PLENTY OF THINGS THAT RISE UP IN SESSION MOST OF THE TIME THAT KEEP US TIED UP...I THINK MOST OF THE TIME THE CHILDISH IDEAS JUST PASS THRU YOUR MIND WHEN YOU GET BORED WITH THE CURRENT ISSUES..AND THAT IS FINE TOO..WE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH OUR MINDS ANYWAY RUNNING AMUCK SOMETIMES...I MEAN COME ON GUYS...WE DIDN'T BUY OUR TRANSFERENCE AT WALMART!!
LOL!! I DO BELIEVE IT ALL STARTED IN THE MIND RIGHT?? BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...I CAN TELL MY NEW MS. T THINGS LIKE THAT THAT PASS THRU MY MIND..AND WE PROCESS IT AND GUESS WHAT...IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO GET OUT IN THE OPEN ANYWAY!!IF I HAD THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT I COULD HAVE TALKED MY OLD MR T OUT OF DISMISSING ME....THERE IS NO TELLING WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID..IF I THOUGHT I COULD HAVE STAYED IN JUST ONE MORE SESSION WITH HIM...I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM I SAW HIS WIFE OUT TO DINNER WITH HIS ATTORNEY...OR BROTHER, OR DOCTOR, OR HIS DADDY
.....I WAS SO DESPERATE TO KEEP HIM...I WOULD HAVE THREATENED TO JUMP OUT OF HIS 7TH STORY OFFICE WINDOW...BUT THAT WOULD HAVE ONLY GOTTEN ME IN LOCKDOWN!! ....I ALMOST BEGGED HIM ON MY KNEES TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE...HE TOLD ME "NO!!!..THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD....I'M NOT BACKING DOWN...AND I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!" YES, I HATED HIS GUTS 
...YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY...SO DON'T FEEL SILLY OR ALONE...WE HAVE HAD THE SAME THOUGHTS I'M SURE...ALSO FOR THE DRESSING FOR SESSION THING...YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DRESS THE PART EVERY TUESDAY...I GO RIGHT AFTER WORK...I TAKE MY MAKEUP, AND ACCESSORIES...SOMETIMES A WHOLE OTHER OUTFIT IN MY BAG...FIRST I WAS DOING IT BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE IN SESSION WITH HIM OF COURSE
BUT NOW I DO IT...BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE SESSION OUT OF HIS OFFICE...BUT HE STILL SEES ME EVERY WEEK!!!...I EITHER WANT HIM TO SEE ME GETTING BETTER AND COPING WELL (BECAUSE I AM )...OR SHOWING HIM WHAT HE'S MISSING!!! ...(OKAY I MAY REGRESS EVERY NOW & THEN SO WHAT)...EITHER WAY....IT MAKES ME...CHARLOTTE FEEL BETTER TO LOOK MY ABSOLUTE BEST!! AND THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT RIGHT?? FEELING OUR BEST AND MOVING PAST THIS PART OF OUR LIVES?...STICK IT OUT GUYS...WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT....EVEN IF SOMETIMES, WE MAY HAVE TO FAKE IT!! 
HAHA!! TALK TO YOU SOON, C.
Hi! I have been reading posts on this site for the last several weeks.. It has been very helpful to me. I decided to join!
Hi I'm just me (IJM),
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post and introduce yourself and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
AG
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post and introduce yourself and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
AG
Hi IJM!
Welcome!
OW
Welcome!
OW
Hi IJM, I wanted to make sure to add myself to your list of welcomes. That would be odd if I didn't since we share such a similar name.
JM
JM
Hi IJM
It's always nice to get to know someone new. Hope you keep posting.
PL
It's always nice to get to know someone new. Hope you keep posting.
PL
Hi IJM,
Glad to have you on board! Welcome to the forum, please feel free to join in our discussions and hope you keep posting!
Hello guys...Just checking in right quick...I've been under the weather this week...headaches again...gotta go have more tests done next week...did not go to my session this week, and I really have missed it. I felt so bad Tuesday, (these headaches are terrible) but now I feel like my whole week is screwed up because I didn't go...gotta run...I should go lay down before I get dizzy again and sick on my stomach...
Yalk to you later, C
Glad to have you on board! Welcome to the forum, please feel free to join in our discussions and hope you keep posting!
Hello guys...Just checking in right quick...I've been under the weather this week...headaches again...gotta go have more tests done next week...did not go to my session this week, and I really have missed it. I felt so bad Tuesday, (these headaches are terrible) but now I feel like my whole week is screwed up because I didn't go...gotta run...I should go lay down before I get dizzy again and sick on my stomach...
Yalk to you later, C
BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...
Well guys - I told him and of course he didn't bat an eyelid!! I don't think I'd have felt bound to do it though if I hadn't spoken to you guys first. It really helps to have people around who do not think you are losing it!! If you haven't been through this stuff you really do not know what it's like. I don't even know if our T's know what it's like - the agony, the longing, the pain, the embarassemnt, the fear, the lying awake, the tears...sound familiar.
Anyway, I told him and told him how angry I am with him that he didn't warn me this was coming (ie all the attachment stuff) and that I felt I was operating with one and tied behind my back where he didn't. Turns out he didn't necessarily see it coming either and what I'm going through is 'rare' and 'courageous' and it's a question of holding my (our!)nerve.
Lady
Well guys - I told him and of course he didn't bat an eyelid!! I don't think I'd have felt bound to do it though if I hadn't spoken to you guys first. It really helps to have people around who do not think you are losing it!! If you haven't been through this stuff you really do not know what it's like. I don't even know if our T's know what it's like - the agony, the longing, the pain, the embarassemnt, the fear, the lying awake, the tears...sound familiar.
Anyway, I told him and told him how angry I am with him that he didn't warn me this was coming (ie all the attachment stuff) and that I felt I was operating with one and tied behind my back where he didn't. Turns out he didn't necessarily see it coming either and what I'm going through is 'rare' and 'courageous' and it's a question of holding my (our!)nerve.
Lady
Check this out guys - patterns in transference - I can identify with at least 4 of them!!
http://www.earley.org/Patterns/transference_and_countertransfer.htm
L
http://www.earley.org/Patterns/transference_and_countertransfer.htm
L
LOS,
That is so awesome you told your T! I'm glad that the support you got here helped you to do that, but be very proud of yourself. It's a terrifying thing to do and you were very brave to open up like that. And I'm really glad he responded so well. I love the way he described it "a question of holding my nerve" that's really perfect. And its good to hear from you!!
AG
That is so awesome you told your T! I'm glad that the support you got here helped you to do that, but be very proud of yourself. It's a terrifying thing to do and you were very brave to open up like that. And I'm really glad he responded so well. I love the way he described it "a question of holding my nerve" that's really perfect. And its good to hear from you!!
AG
Hello everyone! I'm new here, effective today. I have been googling 'transference' for weeks. I can barely stand myself with all of the obsessive thinking I've been doing, only to find out this is totally NORMAL! I can't thank all of you enough for all these posts, which I've been reading for hours and hours. I really thought I was losing my marbles.
I've been with my male therapist (age 39) for a year, I've had 27 visits, I'm a female age 33.
WOW do I have a crush. Huge, ridiculous. I'm now starting to experience thinking of him 20x a day, wondering if he likes certain songs/foods/locations. He's very married with 3 adorable children. He's never been inappropriate, ever.
The problem being is that we've never discussed transference, and I've done everything in my power to 'pretend' I'm not affected by him, or that I care or miss him or need him. I only have 4 sessions left (insurance) and I NEED to admit this, lay it on the table and unload. I'm so scared, I tried the past 3 sessions and we just had our normal chatty great time. I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.
SO, I'm going to write it. I've cut and pasted lots of good info to give me a base of what to say.
I guess my question here is....how do you bring it up? What do you say? Do any of you have anything pre-written that might help me fess up?
Thanks so much.
I've been with my male therapist (age 39) for a year, I've had 27 visits, I'm a female age 33.
WOW do I have a crush. Huge, ridiculous. I'm now starting to experience thinking of him 20x a day, wondering if he likes certain songs/foods/locations. He's very married with 3 adorable children. He's never been inappropriate, ever.
The problem being is that we've never discussed transference, and I've done everything in my power to 'pretend' I'm not affected by him, or that I care or miss him or need him. I only have 4 sessions left (insurance) and I NEED to admit this, lay it on the table and unload. I'm so scared, I tried the past 3 sessions and we just had our normal chatty great time. I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.
SO, I'm going to write it. I've cut and pasted lots of good info to give me a base of what to say.
I guess my question here is....how do you bring it up? What do you say? Do any of you have anything pre-written that might help me fess up?
Thanks so much.
quote:I really thought I was losing my marbles.
traveluvr
Welcome to the "lost marbles" club.
Just keep in mind, that everything you have just said rings true for me and probably most everybody else here. Finding out that this is normal was a big epiphany for me too.Writing it out was a huge help for me, as it gave me time to really think of what I wanted to say, and how to say it. And yes, I was shaking like a leaf when I told her. Seriously though, your T has probably been waiting for you to bring this up, and if he is a good T, he will accept it and help you to understand it. For me, it took a gigantic weight off my shoulders. Although, I'm real good at adding more stuff to weigh me down.
I'm glad you joined us, and I look forward to more posts from you. Let us know how it is going.
PL
Hi travelluvr! Welcome to the forum.
Chicken that I am I couldn't simply blurt out my feelings for my T out of the blue and then just sit there waiting for her reaction. For me, I find it easier to bring up something I have trouble talking about if I have an angle. Like you, I spent a lot of time trying to find out if other people were as infatuated with their T's as I am and I came across ShrinkLady's article and this forum which gave me an actual technical term for what I was feeling: "transference." Until I had that word I had no idea that it was so common and that a lot T's know how to work with it in ways that will help the work happen. So, now I had my angle and in my next session I brought up the whole thing by simply, innocently asking her what transference was? Of course, like most red-blooded T's she had to ask me first why I was asking and what I knew about it already. For me, being able to use a technical term to help me contain my intense personal feelings removed me just enough that I was able to talk about it. Kind of like talking about yourself in 3rd person. That really, really helps me get stuff out. I have even used "hypothetical situations" to get stuff out there. You can also start off small - no need to throw the whole enchilada out there all at once. Admit to something less threatening first and work your way up to the harder stuff. I guess it depends on whether or not you are a dive right in the pool kind of person or more the take one step at a time so you can acclimate to the cold water bit by bit. I am definitely more of the second kind of person.
Chicken that I am I couldn't simply blurt out my feelings for my T out of the blue and then just sit there waiting for her reaction. For me, I find it easier to bring up something I have trouble talking about if I have an angle. Like you, I spent a lot of time trying to find out if other people were as infatuated with their T's as I am and I came across ShrinkLady's article and this forum which gave me an actual technical term for what I was feeling: "transference." Until I had that word I had no idea that it was so common and that a lot T's know how to work with it in ways that will help the work happen. So, now I had my angle and in my next session I brought up the whole thing by simply, innocently asking her what transference was? Of course, like most red-blooded T's she had to ask me first why I was asking and what I knew about it already. For me, being able to use a technical term to help me contain my intense personal feelings removed me just enough that I was able to talk about it. Kind of like talking about yourself in 3rd person. That really, really helps me get stuff out. I have even used "hypothetical situations" to get stuff out there. You can also start off small - no need to throw the whole enchilada out there all at once. Admit to something less threatening first and work your way up to the harder stuff. I guess it depends on whether or not you are a dive right in the pool kind of person or more the take one step at a time so you can acclimate to the cold water bit by bit. I am definitely more of the second kind of person.
Welcome travelluvr. I can totally understand how you feel and how difficult and scary it is to bring up transference with your T. I had transference feelings for my T for around 8 months before I found the courage to talk to him about it. Actually, I was kind of forced to address it because I caught on that he was getting suspicious about my feelings for him. I had written a poem that I read to him that I felt was about my therapy journey but he took it as something more personal/romantic. This caused him to pull away from me and that upset me and I was afraid I ruined the relationship or that he would want to terminate me. And so I decided to confront him about it.
I brought it up by saying that there was an elephant in the room with us and if we don't talk about it then I would have to start bringing peanuts to feed him And my T said he didn't know there was an elephant and I said...he is very quiet but he's been here a long time. Then he said "well tell me about him" and I just said that I had been reading about transference and that I understood there were all different kinds, including negative transference. And I needed to tell him that I had feelings for him that were sometimes parental and sometimes very warm and affectionate (I chickened out on the word LOVE but I think he caught the idea LOL). And it turns out that I actually knew more than he did about erotic transference and I ended up lending him my book In Session by Deborah Lott (which I recommend you read to help you understand more about it). And so we talked about how I wanted to address this because I didn't want my unspoken feelings to cloud our therapy or cause it to breakdown in any way. I also assured him that I could contain my feelings and that I needed him to be my therapist more than I needed him to be anything else in my life and so I had no "agenda" to get him. And this was true. I need him as my T and this also allowed me to tell him how I feel and be honest without sounding like I was ready to seduce him. We talked about transference once or twice after that. Turns out I was his first case of transference and he got defensive because he was unprepared or because he just didn't know how to handle it. He has been pretty good about it since then. What happened is that we realized that aside from the transference feelings...he became my attachment figure and my secure base. I have an unsecure attachment from childhood and somehow because of the care and understanding that he provided me he became the caregiver I never had. So we have been focused more on his role as my secure base more than my transference.
If you are feeling uneasy about just talking about it you could write something down and then just go in and read it to him. Do it immediately when you walk in the door. Tell him you have something to discuss that is very difficult for you and you are afraid and need his help and understanding. The other option is to email him (if this is allowed) and give him a heads up and tell HIM to bring up the topic when you get there.
I wish you the best with this. It takes courage and strength to address this but if your T is a good one he will be able to handle it with kindness and empathy. I do think it's important that you do this soon as you don't have very many session left to process this. Is there any possibility that he could get your insurance company to grant you more sessions?
In any event, we are here to help and support you through this. This is a wonderful place to come for comfort and information. I'm glad that you found it.
True North
I brought it up by saying that there was an elephant in the room with us and if we don't talk about it then I would have to start bringing peanuts to feed him
And my T said he didn't know there was an elephant and I said...he is very quiet but he's been here a long time. Then he said "well tell me about him" and I just said that I had been reading about transference and that I understood there were all different kinds, including negative transference. And I needed to tell him that I had feelings for him that were sometimes parental and sometimes very warm and affectionate (I chickened out on the word LOVE but I think he caught the idea LOL). And it turns out that I actually knew more than he did about erotic transference and I ended up lending him my book In Session by Deborah Lott (which I recommend you read to help you understand more about it). And so we talked about how I wanted to address this because I didn't want my unspoken feelings to cloud our therapy or cause it to breakdown in any way. I also assured him that I could contain my feelings and that I needed him to be my therapist more than I needed him to be anything else in my life and so I had no "agenda" to get him. And this was true. I need him as my T and this also allowed me to tell him how I feel and be honest without sounding like I was ready to seduce him. We talked about transference once or twice after that. Turns out I was his first case of transference and he got defensive because he was unprepared or because he just didn't know how to handle it. He has been pretty good about it since then. What happened is that we realized that aside from the transference feelings...he became my attachment figure and my secure base. I have an unsecure attachment from childhood and somehow because of the care and understanding that he provided me he became the caregiver I never had. So we have been focused more on his role as my secure base more than my transference.If you are feeling uneasy about just talking about it you could write something down and then just go in and read it to him. Do it immediately when you walk in the door. Tell him you have something to discuss that is very difficult for you and you are afraid and need his help and understanding. The other option is to email him (if this is allowed) and give him a heads up and tell HIM to bring up the topic when you get there.
I wish you the best with this. It takes courage and strength to address this but if your T is a good one he will be able to handle it with kindness and empathy. I do think it's important that you do this soon as you don't have very many session left to process this. Is there any possibility that he could get your insurance company to grant you more sessions?
In any event, we are here to help and support you through this. This is a wonderful place to come for comfort and information. I'm glad that you found it.
True North
Welcome to the forum traveluvr!!
Glad to have you aboard our "Transference Train" Hope you have gotten as much good advice from my friends as I have! If it was me in your situation.....I would suggest just telling him that "Since I only have 4 sessions left there is something I need to discuss with you because I don't know how I'm going to handle it if I don't!" It may even be cause for him to get an extension on your sessions. I'm not sure, but it is worth a try. It may seem that it doesn't bother you now...but when you don't see him every week....look out...it's gonna hit you hard...Don't be afraid...discuss it straight out...chances are he already knows!!!...maybe there are others on the forum that have other suggestions...I know I was sorta in the same boat a few months ago...it didn't turn out like I wanted...but it was the best thing that could have happened...talk to you soon...and keep posting...we all are here to help each other!!
Talk to you later...C
Glad to have you aboard our "Transference Train" Hope you have gotten as much good advice from my friends as I have! If it was me in your situation.....I would suggest just telling him that "Since I only have 4 sessions left there is something I need to discuss with you because I don't know how I'm going to handle it if I don't!" It may even be cause for him to get an extension on your sessions. I'm not sure, but it is worth a try. It may seem that it doesn't bother you now...but when you don't see him every week....look out...it's gonna hit you hard...Don't be afraid...discuss it straight out...chances are he already knows!!!...maybe there are others on the forum that have other suggestions...I know I was sorta in the same boat a few months ago...it didn't turn out like I wanted...but it was the best thing that could have happened...talk to you soon...and keep posting...we all are here to help each other!!
Talk to you later...C
Wow! The prompt responses are great. I'm not the only one home on a Friday night obsessing about obsessing ha ha!
I went through this back in July, my insurance stopped my sessions, and I acted all 'cool' at our last session, not knowing if I'd see him again. I bawled for days afterwards.
I could probably weasel another 5 sessions ($150/hr), however, I think I need to end this relationship. As much as I want to cling to him for dear life, I am concerned that its really unhealthy.
I loved the elephant/throwing peanuts at him analogy. I may use that line.
Yes, I think I need to just emotionally vomit it all over him. He MUST know.
We have an unusually close relationship. I do have his personal email, to his blackberry, when I went away for 2 months he asked me to keep in touch to 'see how I was doing'. I even got really drunk and emailed him at 4am a few weeks ago, pages of nonsense, and he never gave me crap about it. So I do realize there is more than a cold clinical thing. But I'm not stupid enough to think more.
I am scared to death about the 'breakup' feelings. The 'ending of the relationship'. He is my reason for being it feels. Every week on Thursdays I see him. It just IS.
I save it all up for him, I pre-plan what I'm going to say, wear, etc.
I love that I'm not alone, seriously. Thanks for the warm welcomes and understanding. My goal next week is to bring it up, first thing.
arg...i need SO much more than an hour!
I went through this back in July, my insurance stopped my sessions, and I acted all 'cool' at our last session, not knowing if I'd see him again. I bawled for days afterwards.
I could probably weasel another 5 sessions ($150/hr), however, I think I need to end this relationship. As much as I want to cling to him for dear life, I am concerned that its really unhealthy.
I loved the elephant/throwing peanuts at him analogy. I may use that line.
Yes, I think I need to just emotionally vomit it all over him. He MUST know.
We have an unusually close relationship. I do have his personal email, to his blackberry, when I went away for 2 months he asked me to keep in touch to 'see how I was doing'. I even got really drunk and emailed him at 4am a few weeks ago, pages of nonsense, and he never gave me crap about it. So I do realize there is more than a cold clinical thing. But I'm not stupid enough to think more.
I am scared to death about the 'breakup' feelings. The 'ending of the relationship'. He is my reason for being it feels. Every week on Thursdays I see him. It just IS.
I save it all up for him, I pre-plan what I'm going to say, wear, etc.
I love that I'm not alone, seriously. Thanks for the warm welcomes and understanding. My goal next week is to bring it up, first thing.
arg...i need SO much more than an hour!
travelluvr... I'm glad the posts were helpful to you. It's wonderful to have a solid connection with a T because it is truly the relationship that heals. Whatever happens in real life usually gets played out in therapy because therapy is a microcosm of real life.
What caught my eye was you saying that you are afraid the relationship is "unhealthy". I think you feel depending on him is unhealthy because you say you want to cling to him. This is really normal, especially if you have not had the kind of caring and support your T offers in in your childhood. Dependence is not always unhealthy and sometimes one needs to learn how to depend before they can learn to stand on their own. I know because I had this fear in the beginning of my therapy. I have since worked on this with my T and he now allows me to lean on him when I need to. I need to learn to step towards someone when I need something instead of running away or trying to handle everything alone as I was forced to do in childhood.
So perhaps in addition to the transference issue you could bring up your fear of being dependent on him and I would try (with his help) to wrangle some additional visits out of your insurance company because this may take more than 4 sessions to work on.
Please don't hesitate to ask any questions. We are here to help.
TN
What caught my eye was you saying that you are afraid the relationship is "unhealthy". I think you feel depending on him is unhealthy because you say you want to cling to him. This is really normal, especially if you have not had the kind of caring and support your T offers in in your childhood. Dependence is not always unhealthy and sometimes one needs to learn how to depend before they can learn to stand on their own. I know because I had this fear in the beginning of my therapy. I have since worked on this with my T and he now allows me to lean on him when I need to. I need to learn to step towards someone when I need something instead of running away or trying to handle everything alone as I was forced to do in childhood.
So perhaps in addition to the transference issue you could bring up your fear of being dependent on him and I would try (with his help) to wrangle some additional visits out of your insurance company because this may take more than 4 sessions to work on.
Please don't hesitate to ask any questions. We are here to help.
TN
True North,
That makes perfect sense too. I am extremely independent, on my own since 18, I'm a single mom, I have a career, and I had a horrid abusive childhood. I've never depended on anyone.
So yes, maybe you are right, I should allow myself to be OK with this.
So many things to discuss with him, why did I wait 27 visits to get real?? I may need some more you are right. However, when my last $$$ ran out he did offer to continue for free if I really needed it.
For the first time in weeks I feel like I'll be able to sleep better tonight, not so wound up about this 'transference' stuff.
Thank-you!
That makes perfect sense too. I am extremely independent, on my own since 18, I'm a single mom, I have a career, and I had a horrid abusive childhood. I've never depended on anyone.
So yes, maybe you are right, I should allow myself to be OK with this.
So many things to discuss with him, why did I wait 27 visits to get real?? I may need some more you are right. However, when my last $$$ ran out he did offer to continue for free if I really needed it.
For the first time in weeks I feel like I'll be able to sleep better tonight, not so wound up about this 'transference' stuff.
Thank-you!
travelluvr... I'm so glad you are feeling better. And I hope you sleep well.
I just want to add... and I don't know you and could be wrong... but perhaps since you had an abusive childhood then perhaps you also have attachment issues as well as the transference. If our caregivers who were supposed to protect us were the ones harming us it causes a child to develop an unsecure attachment which then causes all types of other problems in adulthood...things like depression, anxiety and the inability to trust and the inability to ask for real help when we need it. Moving toward someone and developing an intimate relationship (which is what happens in therapy) seems dangerous to us and we want to run from it or avoid it by keeping things light. Please feel free to disregard the above if it does not seem to apply. I just wanted to put it out there for you to consider.
If you thing this is something you want to explore do a google search on attachment theory or disorganized attachment. And then talk to your T about it.
He seems very willing to work with you and the fact that you have a strong connection is a very good thing and a basic step to real healing. I wish you all the best.
TN
I just want to add... and I don't know you and could be wrong... but perhaps since you had an abusive childhood then perhaps you also have attachment issues as well as the transference. If our caregivers who were supposed to protect us were the ones harming us it causes a child to develop an unsecure attachment which then causes all types of other problems in adulthood...things like depression, anxiety and the inability to trust and the inability to ask for real help when we need it. Moving toward someone and developing an intimate relationship (which is what happens in therapy) seems dangerous to us and we want to run from it or avoid it by keeping things light. Please feel free to disregard the above if it does not seem to apply. I just wanted to put it out there for you to consider.
If you thing this is something you want to explore do a google search on attachment theory or disorganized attachment. And then talk to your T about it.
He seems very willing to work with you and the fact that you have a strong connection is a very good thing and a basic step to real healing. I wish you all the best.
TN
travelluvr -
I wanted to add my welcome too. My transference involved my son's T who sort of became my T for a while. My son was referred to another T so I wasn't able to see her anymore. I talked with her about transference before and really didn't get a chance to "work through it" before our sessions ended.
I've been trying to work on it with a new T but it's been difficult and not at all the same experience as those who get to work through the transference with the object of that transference, if that makes sense.
I still see my son's T on occasion since she works at my son's school, we go to the same monthly parent support group, and we live in a small town. It is very hard to see her but maybe better than not seeing her at all, ever. I was able to talk to her a couple of weeks after our last session and got out a lot of my feelings. It was a great relief and helped some of the really painful feelings go away.
I've never depended on anyone either so it was quite a surprise when I started depending on her so much. And then when she wasn't there anymore, I really fell hard. I can't remember so many extreme emotions ever in my whole life. Thank God I found this board because I thought I was going crazy.
It is good to know you're not alone, you're not crazy, and there are at least a few people who understand what you're going through.
I grew up in a few different abusive households and what True North said is definitely true for me:
OW
I wanted to add my welcome too. My transference involved my son's T who sort of became my T for a while. My son was referred to another T so I wasn't able to see her anymore. I talked with her about transference before and really didn't get a chance to "work through it" before our sessions ended.
I've been trying to work on it with a new T but it's been difficult and not at all the same experience as those who get to work through the transference with the object of that transference, if that makes sense.
I still see my son's T on occasion since she works at my son's school, we go to the same monthly parent support group, and we live in a small town. It is very hard to see her but maybe better than not seeing her at all, ever. I was able to talk to her a couple of weeks after our last session and got out a lot of my feelings. It was a great relief and helped some of the really painful feelings go away.
I've never depended on anyone either so it was quite a surprise when I started depending on her so much. And then when she wasn't there anymore, I really fell hard. I can't remember so many extreme emotions ever in my whole life. Thank God I found this board because I thought I was going crazy.
It is good to know you're not alone, you're not crazy, and there are at least a few people who understand what you're going through.
I grew up in a few different abusive households and what True North said is definitely true for me:
quote:perhaps since you had an abusive childhood then perhaps you also have attachment issues as well as the transference. If our caregivers who were supposed to protect us were the ones harming us it causes a child to develop an unsecure attachment which then causes all types of other problems in adulthood...things like depression, anxiety and the inability to trust and the inability to ask for real help when we need it. Moving toward someone and developing an intimate relationship (which is what happens in therapy) seems dangerous to us and we want to run from it or avoid it by keeping things light.
OW
Again, dead on. I'm going to look up the attachment theory. I've got a 14 year history of depression (dysthymic with major depressive episodes) all tangled in with PTSD, all from my childhood. Nice mix, I know, but my T knows all this, his knows my past, so I'm sure none of this would come as a shock to him. He must realize he's a safe, compassionate 'father-figure' type to me, as well as all the other erotic-transfer stuff. Reading more and more about it, I'm really surprised he hasn't discussed it with me. I almost feel angry about it. He could have given me a heads up!
It's going to be so embarrassing bringing this up.
I woke up at 6:30am thinking about it. I really hope that discussing it with him and working on it makes the anxiety/pain of it end. It's very intense at the moment. I totally had the feeling of 'being in love' with him, but in reading all these articles, I realize now thats impossible. I don't know him, and I never really will.
He's got a PhD, had a fully paid scholarship and top honours, and is a prof at a local university as well. He MUST know where I"m at, which makes it more embarassing b/c I haven't said anything.
ramble ramble......
thanks
It's going to be so embarrassing bringing this up.
I woke up at 6:30am thinking about it. I really hope that discussing it with him and working on it makes the anxiety/pain of it end. It's very intense at the moment. I totally had the feeling of 'being in love' with him, but in reading all these articles, I realize now thats impossible. I don't know him, and I never really will.
He's got a PhD, had a fully paid scholarship and top honours, and is a prof at a local university as well. He MUST know where I"m at, which makes it more embarassing b/c I haven't said anything.
ramble ramble......
thanks
quote:Reading more and more about it, I'm really surprised he hasn't discussed it with me. I almost feel angry about it. He could have given me a heads up!
travelluvr
Wouldn't it be nice if we knew what we were getting into BEFORE we entered therapy? Of course if I knew before, I'm sure I would not have had the guts to start. Avoidance is my middle name.
Not everyone experiences transference. That doesn't mean that those of us who do are freaks. It is just the connection that a person makes with their T. And unless someone does experience it, I think they would have a hard time understanding it. If my T had told me that I was going to "fall in love" with her, I would have been on the first train out of there! How could she be so cocky and righteous to think I would have those kind of feelings for her!!! Well, I do. And it has been a rough road to where I am, and a long road to go.
My T waits for me to bring things up. She doesn't pressure me into things that I am not ready for. That's not to say she doesn't help me get a different perspective on things, or think of things in a different way. She gives me LOTS to think about and gently prods me when she can tell I'm just a little too afraid or nervous to go on. But if she had just blurted out this transference thing, YIKES!
Transference is hard, difficult, painful, embarassing......and normal.
It has taken me a long time to get to the "normal" realization. "Starting" to tell your T is the hardest part. I told mine that I knew what I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to say it. She gently helped me through it and guess what, she was so happy that I had finally told her. She was more concerned about how I had suffered so long, waiting to get up the courage to tell her. It isn't the information as much as it is the experience. These are feelings and emotions that were not satisfied when you were a child. Talking about them does not make them go away. You have to experience this with someone else, your T, and have him accept you, and not abandon you and validate those feelings.I would bet anything that he knows exactly where you are at, and he is patiently waiting for you to bring it up. Good luck, I will be cheering you on and waiting to hear how it goes.
PL
Traveluvr,
OW is so right about the trying to work it out with someone who is not the object of the tranference! I was so upset when my T refered me to another to work out my transference...it was devastating! First I had to spend time getting over that before I could start getting over him!!!..It is getting better though, but I still see him every week in the office...it's almost as if he plans it that way sometimes! I would suggest that you try to tell him and work it out with him....it has to be so much better that way. Good luck at your next session!! I missed my session last week and I feel like it has been a month. I can't wait to get back Tuesday. Yes, I still have very very very strong feelings for my old T...probably always will...but I am making progress and concentrating on my own marriage...let us know how it comes out...LOL..on paper, by mouth, whatever...just get it out!!!...it was the best advice I got from my friends here.
talk to you later, C
OW is so right about the trying to work it out with someone who is not the object of the tranference! I was so upset when my T refered me to another to work out my transference...it was devastating! First I had to spend time getting over that before I could start getting over him!!!..It is getting better though, but I still see him every week in the office...it's almost as if he plans it that way sometimes! I would suggest that you try to tell him and work it out with him....it has to be so much better that way. Good luck at your next session!! I missed my session last week and I feel like it has been a month. I can't wait to get back Tuesday. Yes, I still have very very very strong feelings for my old T...probably always will...but I am making progress and concentrating on my own marriage...let us know how it comes out...LOL..on paper, by mouth, whatever...just get it out!!!...it was the best advice I got from my friends here.
talk to you later, C
Hi Everyone, just wanted to talk about somethin really werid that happened in the last session i had. You all know how i recently told she T that i had wished she was my mother, and we sorted through it a bit. Well the feeling wasnt very strong anymore and was a bit easier to understand. Well i dont know whether to call it countertransference or a slip of the tongue but i was crying and upset and she T was trying to explain stuff to me, When usually she would say my name she called me Sweetie and at first i thought she was trying to be "genuine" whatever that is, but I looked her straight in the eyes as soon as she said it and all i could see was MISTAKE written all over her face. So i threw a pillow at her and told her not to get too personal. The thing is its stirred massive transference again and i cant deal with it cos she is referring me soon. What is She T doing to me??
someone help me make sense of this pls.
kit
Em
also wished it was genuine..
someone help me make sense of this pls.
kit
Em
also wished it was genuine..
Travelluvr,
Sorry it's taken so long to say welcome, I missed the thread. Not much to add, you've been getting great input from everyone. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and you've definitely found the right place to find people who understand about transference and attachment issues.
AG
emerald,
I would consider that the "sweetie" was very genuine, that your T absolutely meant it, but the slip was in saying it out loud. Ts are supposed to maintain a certain detachment to be able to help us and part of the boundaries is not being overly affectionate with us to not hold out a promise of a relationship they not they can't fulfill. But they're human, and I think often have very deep feelings for their clients. It may be that in her heart she thinks of you as "sweetie" but realized that she shouldn't have said it out loud, especially to a client struggling with transference, which is why you saw "mistake" all over her face.
If you can, I think you should talk to her about how you felt when she called you that. I know that if my T said something like that, it would be a very big deal for me.
And I understand how difficult it is to have her refer you, my T of 17 years retired three years ago because she decided to go back to school and she was giving up her clinical practice. It was a difficult ending but I will tell you that, even though I was also angry about her leaving, I was also very sure about her love for me. It was difficult for both of us to say goodbye. From where we sit it seems like their decision is about us, but the only thing we have to do with it is to make it more difficult for them to leave.
AG
Sorry it's taken so long to say welcome, I missed the thread. Not much to add, you've been getting great input from everyone. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and you've definitely found the right place to find people who understand about transference and attachment issues.
AG
emerald,
I would consider that the "sweetie" was very genuine, that your T absolutely meant it, but the slip was in saying it out loud. Ts are supposed to maintain a certain detachment to be able to help us and part of the boundaries is not being overly affectionate with us to not hold out a promise of a relationship they not they can't fulfill. But they're human, and I think often have very deep feelings for their clients. It may be that in her heart she thinks of you as "sweetie" but realized that she shouldn't have said it out loud, especially to a client struggling with transference, which is why you saw "mistake" all over her face.
If you can, I think you should talk to her about how you felt when she called you that. I know that if my T said something like that, it would be a very big deal for me.
And I understand how difficult it is to have her refer you, my T of 17 years retired three years ago because she decided to go back to school and she was giving up her clinical practice. It was a difficult ending but I will tell you that, even though I was also angry about her leaving, I was also very sure about her love for me. It was difficult for both of us to say goodbye. From where we sit it seems like their decision is about us, but the only thing we have to do with it is to make it more difficult for them to leave.
AG
Em,
Yeah it sounds like your T might have slipped a little with her emotions. Em, I am certain that this is an emotional process for her just as it is for you and if counter-transference is going to occur this would be a prime time for it. And CT is no more a dirty word than transference is. It happens, that is why they get schooled and supervised. BUT, I understand how dizzying it can be to experience such a slip. But one thing about this relationship is that it is repairable. I know you have little time left with your she T, but this does not sound like a terrible breech. You are of course wobbly and insecure because of the termination process. The fact that it stirred massive transference for you again is nothing to be ashamed of, but I am sure you wish you could just part with calmer emotions. But definitley communicate this to her. I think it was a genuine expression. It was a slip, not a violation.
My T slipped not that long ago and did something she is never inclined to do and we talked about it. We are good. She is human, she is fallible, and I am not injured. And trust me T's worry about injuring us when they slip.
I hope this helps bring a little comfort and relief to you. And remember to breathe.
Yeah it sounds like your T might have slipped a little with her emotions. Em, I am certain that this is an emotional process for her just as it is for you and if counter-transference is going to occur this would be a prime time for it. And CT is no more a dirty word than transference is. It happens, that is why they get schooled and supervised. BUT, I understand how dizzying it can be to experience such a slip. But one thing about this relationship is that it is repairable. I know you have little time left with your she T, but this does not sound like a terrible breech. You are of course wobbly and insecure because of the termination process. The fact that it stirred massive transference for you again is nothing to be ashamed of, but I am sure you wish you could just part with calmer emotions. But definitley communicate this to her. I think it was a genuine expression. It was a slip, not a violation.
My T slipped not that long ago and did something she is never inclined to do and we talked about it. We are good. She is human, she is fallible, and I am not injured. And trust me T's worry about injuring us when they slip.
I hope this helps bring a little comfort and relief to you. And remember to breathe.
I've been pondering this stuff for days. Emerald, I would be beside myself if my T called me sweetie, mind you, I would love it.
I'm going to post a response to an email I sent my T about 3 weeks ago. I was mad at him for saying something insulting about a friend of mine who is a bit of a porn addict, but also a teacher. He said "I wouldn't want someone like her teaching my kids". I LOST it on him via email and told him how inappropriate it was etc, and how I could easily be 'one of those people' etc. Here is his response. I KNOW I'm reading into it, but damn it was sweet:
OK. Thanks. You’re right – I shouldn’t have said that. And I’m glad you didn’t decide to just soak it up and not tell me. I’m not in a position to judge, at all. I’m sorry. Without getting mushy, I hope it’s clear to you that I think a lot of you, and that hasn’t changed since you first started to tell me stuff. I think the fact that you’re brave enough to recognise the destructiveness of that life for what it is, despite your attraction to it, makes me respect you all the more.
I'm going to post a response to an email I sent my T about 3 weeks ago. I was mad at him for saying something insulting about a friend of mine who is a bit of a porn addict, but also a teacher. He said "I wouldn't want someone like her teaching my kids". I LOST it on him via email and told him how inappropriate it was etc, and how I could easily be 'one of those people' etc. Here is his response. I KNOW I'm reading into it, but damn it was sweet:
OK. Thanks. You’re right – I shouldn’t have said that. And I’m glad you didn’t decide to just soak it up and not tell me. I’m not in a position to judge, at all. I’m sorry. Without getting mushy, I hope it’s clear to you that I think a lot of you, and that hasn’t changed since you first started to tell me stuff. I think the fact that you’re brave enough to recognise the destructiveness of that life for what it is, despite your attraction to it, makes me respect you all the more.
Travelluvr,
I think that is a SWEET response too. How loving and genuine and warm, and yet professional. You deserved that _and_ the apology and he felt comfortable enough to express it that way. It is exactly what it is and it is ok.
He sounds like a wonderful T and I am sure you will save that email for the rest of your life. I would ask to be buried with it.
I think that is a SWEET response too. How loving and genuine and warm, and yet professional. You deserved that _and_ the apology and he felt comfortable enough to express it that way. It is exactly what it is and it is ok.
He sounds like a wonderful T and I am sure you will save that email for the rest of your life. I would ask to be buried with it.
Just me: You got a good hearty laugh out of me with that one. If I'm still single when my burial time comes, I will make that request in my will. I have numerous other great emails from him as well, just the 'calming me down' ones. None of them were that sweet.
He better not wonder why I have a highschool crush on him, I'm still on the fence about spitting it out on Thursday. I want to but I don't. The fear of changing the dynamics of the relationship forever is huge.
Once its out there,...thats it. Right now I live in denial and perhaps he's more comfortable there too.
I think I only thought about him 47 times today...tomorrow I aim for 43.
He better not wonder why I have a highschool crush on him, I'm still on the fence about spitting it out on Thursday. I want to but I don't. The fear of changing the dynamics of the relationship forever is huge.
Once its out there,...thats it. Right now I live in denial and perhaps he's more comfortable there too.
I think I only thought about him 47 times today...tomorrow I aim for 43.
If you can get it that low, I beg of you share your secret!
traveluvr....I think that is a wonderful email and you seem to have a truly understanding T. I just wanted to say that I worried about the same thing you are... that my telling my T how I feel about him would change the dynamics of our relationship... which was already pretty darn good....and so I held back for a long time.
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference that after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold an clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read." That sort of put my worry into perspective.
The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... any maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
TN
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference that after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold an clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read."
That sort of put my worry into perspective.The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... any maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
TN
travelluvr....I think that is a wonderful email and you seem to have a truly understanding T. I just wanted to say that I worried about the same thing you are... that my telling my T how I feel about him would change the dynamics of our relationship... which was already pretty darn good....and so I held back for a long time.
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference then after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold and clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read." That sort of put my worry into perspective.
The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... and maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference then after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold and clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read."
That sort of put my worry into perspective.The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... and maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
Hi Em...
I think what she is trying to do is let you know she has feelings for you too. Yes...it is counter-transference. You said she is referring you to another T? Why is she doing that? I'll check your previous posts, I may have missed something. Anyway...she may be trying to ease your transition and just let you know that she really does care.
However...I react to the word Sweetie. I don't like it...it sounds condescending to me but that is my problem. I would have responded differently to a different word there.
I think it's great that you threw a pillow at her!!! LOL...
Way to set your own boundary!!! That shows enormous strength, and possibly some anger about the referral?
Because you saw a reaction on her face...I think you have to talk to her about it and soon.
Do a summary on what you have gotten out of your time with her, what has been good, and what has not been so helpful. It will help her to help others and it will help you to move on.
I think what she is trying to do is let you know she has feelings for you too. Yes...it is counter-transference. You said she is referring you to another T? Why is she doing that? I'll check your previous posts, I may have missed something. Anyway...she may be trying to ease your transition and just let you know that she really does care.
However...I react to the word Sweetie. I don't like it...it sounds condescending to me but that is my problem. I would have responded differently to a different word there.
I think it's great that you threw a pillow at her!!! LOL...
Way to set your own boundary!!!
That shows enormous strength, and possibly some anger about the referral? Because you saw a reaction on her face...I think you have to talk to her about it and soon.
Do a summary on what you have gotten out of your time with her, what has been good, and what has not been so helpful. It will help her to help others and it will help you to move on.
I have been reading this thread and have noticed that many of you have been a bit focused on the erotic aspect of transference.
I have been experiencing some transference problems but they are not of that type. My T is specifically trying to hit my anger buttons, she wants me to be angry at her just to expose my anger at those who have caused me such pain. The problem for me...is that I know she is doing it and I won't play. She has actually told me that I MUST abuse her. What a strange conversation that has been.
Has anyone else had those types of transference issues in their therapy?
Just tossing out another question so that maybe we can be more aware of all kinds of transference.
I too want a "good mommy" and I'm aware of that. I don't see my T in that role but I think she sometimes wonders if I have that kind of transference issue with her. I don't believe that I do. In some ways she IS a lot like my mother. I don't think it is transference or projection. I just think she has some attributes that are strikingly similar to my mother. Nothing too deep about that...it just is. In a way it is easier to deal with my "mommy" issues because she is a lot like her and I don't have the conflict, that transference often illuminates. I dunno...what do you think?
I have been experiencing some transference problems but they are not of that type. My T is specifically trying to hit my anger buttons, she wants me to be angry at her just to expose my anger at those who have caused me such pain. The problem for me...is that I know she is doing it and I won't play. She has actually told me that I MUST abuse her. What a strange conversation that has been.
Has anyone else had those types of transference issues in their therapy?
Just tossing out another question so that maybe we can be more aware of all kinds of transference.
I too want a "good mommy" and I'm aware of that. I don't see my T in that role but I think she sometimes wonders if I have that kind of transference issue with her. I don't believe that I do. In some ways she IS a lot like my mother. I don't think it is transference or projection. I just think she has some attributes that are strikingly similar to my mother. Nothing too deep about that...it just is. In a way it is easier to deal with my "mommy" issues because she is a lot like her and I don't have the conflict, that transference often illuminates. I dunno...what do you think?
soulfuldaze -
I didn't experience erotic transference, but a best-friend type transference with my son's former T. I'm not too sure it really fit the exact definition of transference, but the emotions coming from it seem to be the same. I really wanted (and still want) a mutual relationship with her. I've always had trouble making friends, I moved to a new state almost three years ago and have no good friends, so she really filled the void for me in that area.
The trouble is, it couldn't be mutual, the boundaries intruded, and then when I was trying to get over it/work through it with her, for insurance and treatment plan reasons, we had to switch my son's therapist and I could no longer see her.
OW
I didn't experience erotic transference, but a best-friend type transference with my son's former T. I'm not too sure it really fit the exact definition of transference, but the emotions coming from it seem to be the same. I really wanted (and still want) a mutual relationship with her. I've always had trouble making friends, I moved to a new state almost three years ago and have no good friends, so she really filled the void for me in that area.
The trouble is, it couldn't be mutual, the boundaries intruded, and then when I was trying to get over it/work through it with her, for insurance and treatment plan reasons, we had to switch my son's therapist and I could no longer see her.
OW
Ok...thanks OW.
So it's phileo (brother to brother or friendship) type of love. I can certainly relate to that. In thinking about ending my long-term relationship with my T. I am experiencing that same type of problem. It's not that I want to be her "best friend" but I would like to have some kind of contact with her after termination. (On the other hand...If I were to actually sit down over a cup of coffee with her. I wonder what would I talk to her about? I know very little about her personal life. Maybe we have nothing in common to promote a friendship. hmmmm)
It sounds like what you really want to do is alter the power structure of your relationship. (This is probably my projection here.) We come to them for their expertise and then resent them for having it and owning it. Hmmmmm....
I think it's very hard for T's to contemplate changing the power structure in a therapy relationship and in fact some T's believe doing that contaminates the holding environment. So...the client no longer feels safe with the T. There are so many things a T has to consider before they alter the structure of the therapeutic milieu. I've had this discussion with my T more than once.
I have some issues with authority and continue working on that. Most of my abuse issues are attached to authority figures in my life. So, I am uncomfortable and resistant when I feel her assertion of power over me. It's hard to find a balance there.
SD
So it's phileo (brother to brother or friendship) type of love. I can certainly relate to that. In thinking about ending my long-term relationship with my T. I am experiencing that same type of problem. It's not that I want to be her "best friend" but I would like to have some kind of contact with her after termination. (On the other hand...If I were to actually sit down over a cup of coffee with her. I wonder what would I talk to her about? I know very little about her personal life. Maybe we have nothing in common to promote a friendship. hmmmm)
It sounds like what you really want to do is alter the power structure of your relationship. (This is probably my projection here.) We come to them for their expertise and then resent them for having it and owning it. Hmmmmm....
I think it's very hard for T's to contemplate changing the power structure in a therapy relationship and in fact some T's believe doing that contaminates the holding environment. So...the client no longer feels safe with the T. There are so many things a T has to consider before they alter the structure of the therapeutic milieu. I've had this discussion with my T more than once.
I have some issues with authority and continue working on that. Most of my abuse issues are attached to authority figures in my life. So, I am uncomfortable and resistant when I feel her assertion of power over me. It's hard to find a balance there.
SD
quote:Originally posted by soulfuldaze:
Hi Em...
I think what she is trying to do is let you know she has feelings for you too. Yes...it is counter-transference.
I think it's great that you threw a pillow at her!!! LOL...
Way to set your own boundary!!!
Because you saw a reaction on her face...I think you have to talk to her about it and soon.
She is leaving to go to another job, dont know why or if i could possibly see her at her new job but it still is far too hard and i cant deal with it. Still have a lot to figure out about that.
Thats what i really wanted to know if ppl thought it was countertransference? it feels to me as if she is trying to blame my difficulty in accepting that she is leaving on some childhood traumas and my transference and abandonment issues. . . etc, when really its about her betrayal and misleading me, she was saying that she could help me until I didn't need her anymore and now shes changed all that because of another job.
It really comes back to expectations of the therapuetic relationship and what i need from her. I dont like the jugdements she has on me about this.
Its not transference when your angry and upset about the here and now only. I have maternal transference and i accept that when it is that, but this reaction is not about that.
edn of rant..
quote:
Its not transference when your angry and upset about the here and now only. I have maternal transference and i accept that when it is that, but this reaction is not about that.
end of rant..
Well...I have to agree with you on that. It sounds like you have good reason to be angry. Do you want to continue to see her? And if so, can you explore the possibility of seeing her at her new location?
I've had experiences both ways. I've moved with some T's. and I've also let some go. I've had 2 of them dump me in a hospital and disappear from my life. (One moved out of state...the other breached confidentiality and was afraid I would sue her...Oh...I wanted to talk to her, absolutely, but not sue her.) Ouch!!! That was not good. And not something I want to repeat that's for sure.
It will be interesting to hear how this all works out for you. It will be hard work for sure.
Please rant on.
thanks SD
It's great you understand.
I was extremly concerned about abandonment by She T for ages and She T told me that even if she couldn't see me there anymore she would work something out and she would not terminate therapy!
Now it happens that she gets a new job and She T said she is referring me
It's great you understand.
I was extremly concerned about abandonment by She T for ages and She T told me that even if she couldn't see me there anymore she would work something out and she would not terminate therapy!
Now it happens that she gets a new job and She T said she is referring me
Emerald: I'm really sorry to hear your T got a new job and is referring you on! Thats truly horrible.
And thanks to everyone else for your great support, I love reading the posts here
And thanks to everyone else for your great support, I love reading the posts here
OK, so opinions are needed. I wonder if this is part of the transference thing or if I would be feeling this way regardless.
A month or so ago, one of my best friends asked if she could see my T and would I mind. I said no and gave the #. I was slightly hesitant, but I knew she only has $500 coverage so it would be short term.
Since then she's seen him a few times, and today called me at work to tell me he's squeezed her in Thurs at 10am b/c he's leaving for Florida next week. She chatted about him, made some comments on his therapy style, said he commented that he's not surprised her and I are friends etc.
Well, This bugs me. My appt is ALSO on Thurs at 11am, so essentially me and my best friend will bypass each other in the waiting room.
I am NOT cool with that.
I do not like to mix my therapy life and social life.
So I phoned him, my T and left a message saying exactly that. That if he can reschedule, cool, but if not, I will see him in 2 weeks when he's back.
I KNOW he won't reschedule her....her coverage runs out this week (oh..she got fired too), but I've been seeing him a YEAR and she's seen him twice, I hate that I had to be the one to miss out.
I also haven't mentioned to my g/f that I'm not happy with her seeing him now, I don't think she'd get it. She thought she should wait around for me to finish my appt and we'd do lunch. frig that.
So I'm anxiously awaiting him to call me back, probably tomorrow at work. I'm so upset I wont' see him this week I feel like bawling, and I"m so upset that he's getting along with her so well. She's really cute and pretty and skinny and perfect. Man magnet.
I should have NEVER given her his #.
Anyhow, thanks for the vent. I'm feeling horrid.
A month or so ago, one of my best friends asked if she could see my T and would I mind. I said no and gave the #. I was slightly hesitant, but I knew she only has $500 coverage so it would be short term.
Since then she's seen him a few times, and today called me at work to tell me he's squeezed her in Thurs at 10am b/c he's leaving for Florida next week. She chatted about him, made some comments on his therapy style, said he commented that he's not surprised her and I are friends etc.
Well, This bugs me. My appt is ALSO on Thurs at 11am, so essentially me and my best friend will bypass each other in the waiting room.
I am NOT cool with that.
I do not like to mix my therapy life and social life.
So I phoned him, my T and left a message saying exactly that. That if he can reschedule, cool, but if not, I will see him in 2 weeks when he's back.
I KNOW he won't reschedule her....her coverage runs out this week (oh..she got fired too), but I've been seeing him a YEAR and she's seen him twice, I hate that I had to be the one to miss out.
I also haven't mentioned to my g/f that I'm not happy with her seeing him now, I don't think she'd get it. She thought she should wait around for me to finish my appt and we'd do lunch. frig that.
So I'm anxiously awaiting him to call me back, probably tomorrow at work. I'm so upset I wont' see him this week I feel like bawling, and I"m so upset that he's getting along with her so well. She's really cute and pretty and skinny and perfect. Man magnet.
I should have NEVER given her his #.
Anyhow, thanks for the vent. I'm feeling horrid.
Oh, travelluvr I SO understand how you feel. You are jealous. But why on earth would you give that "man magnet" your T's number and tell her it's okay?? You are a better woman that I am for sure I honestly would never recommend my T to a friend because I would just feel too weird about it. Especially since I know how I feel about him and I'm terribly jealous of his other patients... even if they are old stooped and gray-haired men
There is a better solution and you can discuss this with your T when he calls you. Ask him to make sure her appointment is strictly 45-50 minutes and she is out of there before you arrive. You arrive exactly at your appointment time and will miss her. (Why should you give up an appointment that you truly need and you are also the long term relationship with him. Unless... are you trying to avoid talking about transference with him? We can come up with all kinds of reasons to avoid our T's when scary stuff is bubbling up inside of us.) All you have to tell your T is that you feel uncomfortable seeing your friend leave as you arrive for your session. He will understand this. Then tell your friend that lunch will have to wait for another day because you need to be alone after your session to "process" or that you have another appointment for lunch that day.
Please don't stress over comparisons of her to yourself. You are you which is wonderful and special. And nothing is going to happen between your friend and your T...it can't... so put that out of your mind.
So please don't be upset. I know it's hard enough when our T's go on vacation or we can't see them for a few weeks so don't add this to your worries.
Keep us posted on this.
TN
I honestly would never recommend my T to a friend because I would just feel too weird about it. Especially since I know how I feel about him and I'm terribly jealous of his other patients... even if they are old stooped and gray-haired men There is a better solution and you can discuss this with your T when he calls you. Ask him to make sure her appointment is strictly 45-50 minutes and she is out of there before you arrive. You arrive exactly at your appointment time and will miss her. (Why should you give up an appointment that you truly need and you are also the long term relationship with him. Unless... are you trying to avoid talking about transference with him? We can come up with all kinds of reasons to avoid our T's when scary stuff is bubbling up inside of us.) All you have to tell your T is that you feel uncomfortable seeing your friend leave as you arrive for your session. He will understand this. Then tell your friend that lunch will have to wait for another day because you need to be alone after your session to "process" or that you have another appointment for lunch that day.
Please don't stress over comparisons of her to yourself. You are you which is wonderful and special. And nothing is going to happen between your friend and your T...it can't... so put that out of your mind.
So please don't be upset. I know it's hard enough when our T's go on vacation or we can't see them for a few weeks so don't add this to your worries.
Keep us posted on this.
TN
Update: My T moved my friends appt to Friday and kept me for Thurs at our regular time. He called me at home tonight, 6pm. Chatted for 13 minutes. He asked me how I felt about it and I was totally honest and said I wished I had never given him her number. He said he hadn't encountered this issue before but he totally understands.
He said I need to tell her not to talk to me about him. I need to set those boundaries.
He also mentioned that he thinks she won't be going there 'for too much longer'.
sigh...so happy he called and all is well in the world......today
He said I need to tell her not to talk to me about him. I need to set those boundaries.
He also mentioned that he thinks she won't be going there 'for too much longer'.
sigh...so happy he called and all is well in the world......today
travellur -
I'm happy your T called and you worked things out. I know I would not be able to handle a friend going to see my T, and there are no transference issues with my current T.
I totally agree and think those boundaries would be very reasonable.
OW
I'm happy your T called and you worked things out. I know I would not be able to handle a friend going to see my T, and there are no transference issues with my current T.
quote:He said I need to tell her not to talk to me about him. I need to set those boundaries.
I totally agree and think those boundaries would be very reasonable.
OW
travelluvr
I SO understand. I will never recommend my T to ANYONE!! She is MINE!!!!!! I would probably claw my friend's eyes out over this. OK, I guess that would be a little violent. Anyway, you get the idea.
Glad it worked out for you instead of her. My T has a back door for just this very situation.
PL
I SO understand. I will never recommend my T to ANYONE!! She is MINE!!!!!! I would probably claw my friend's eyes out over this.
OK, I guess that would be a little violent. Anyway, you get the idea.Glad it worked out for you instead of her. My T has a back door for just this very situation.
PL
travelluvr I'm so glad it worked out and that your T was very accommodating to you. He sounds like he is committed to preserving a good therapeutic relationship with you. And, yes, definitely tell her to keep her sessions private and not to discuss them with you.
Good luck on Thursday and let us know what happens.
TN
Good luck on Thursday and let us know what happens.
TN
So, last night shortly before bed this girlfriend of mine that is seeing my T was chatting on Facebook with me. She says things like "therapy rocks" and a few other inappropriate comments, therapy is hard, its deep, its hardly fun.
Then she commented that my T 'must totally think I'm hot and get a kick out of me, I had him laughing the whole time'.
OH MY GOD> Thank GOD it was internet chat, I would have clawed her eyes out.
So I bawled, I've hardly slept. I'm actually going to ask him not to offer her discounted sessions after Friday in fact, I will be honest and say I'd like if he just stopped seeing her. Make an excuse. She won't pay the full amount so maybe if he won't budge in price she won't go back. I'm going to tell him what she said and why it made me feel horrid.
I hate her today.
She has NO idea the relationship I've had with him for a year, and in 2 sessions she's making comments like this. Oh and she said "His birkenstocks and socks SO have to go".
Um, F-off biotch. Thats just him.
I'm miserable, i have to go to work now and I'm going to have to take Lorazepam just to function. Nice. I can't believe I gave her his number. F****
Then she commented that my T 'must totally think I'm hot and get a kick out of me, I had him laughing the whole time'.
OH MY GOD> Thank GOD it was internet chat, I would have clawed her eyes out.
So I bawled, I've hardly slept. I'm actually going to ask him not to offer her discounted sessions after Friday in fact, I will be honest and say I'd like if he just stopped seeing her. Make an excuse. She won't pay the full amount so maybe if he won't budge in price she won't go back. I'm going to tell him what she said and why it made me feel horrid.
I hate her today.
She has NO idea the relationship I've had with him for a year, and in 2 sessions she's making comments like this. Oh and she said "His birkenstocks and socks SO have to go".
Um, F-off biotch. Thats just him.
I'm miserable, i have to go to work now and I'm going to have to take Lorazepam just to function. Nice. I can't believe I gave her his number. F****
travelluvr, i might be way off the mark here, so if i am i'm sorry...
but - she sounds dead jealous of your relationship with your t, and perhaps worried she might never experience something of depth like you do. not an excuse for her being such a jerk tho.
but - she sounds dead jealous of your relationship with your t, and perhaps worried she might never experience something of depth like you do. not an excuse for her being such a jerk tho.
Um, yeh, I'd be a little aggravated with that chat as well. Can you tell her NOT to talk about your T with you? You know the good thing about Facebook chat? It's not very dependable and you can easily pretend Facebook cut you off right in the middle of chatting, and just don't respond.
You have to remember this is her talking and not your T. Your T sounds very warm and accommodated you in this situation, not her. So give him the benefit of the doubt until you talk to him.
OW
PS - SongBird may have a point.
You have to remember this is her talking and not your T. Your T sounds very warm and accommodated you in this situation, not her. So give him the benefit of the doubt until you talk to him.
OW
PS - SongBird may have a point.
Travelluvr,
I can tell you one thing right now I don't share my T with anybody! Yeah, first come first serve, you were there first, she's gotta go. You need this relationship with your T and she needs to find another T. It is that simple.
I know a couple of people who used to see my T and I wont discuss her with them. That would be like sibling rivalry x 100,000,000! I know she is a newbie to the world of therapy (Anyone who thinks it rocks has to be a newbie) But she is way out of line with her comments and I'd let her know it, but seriously you are right...tell your T this won't work. He should understand and refer her to someone else far far away.
I am sorry she did that to you. I can imagine how upset you must be and you have every right to be.
JM
I can tell you one thing right now I don't share my T with anybody! Yeah, first come first serve, you were there first, she's gotta go. You need this relationship with your T and she needs to find another T. It is that simple.
I know a couple of people who used to see my T and I wont discuss her with them. That would be like sibling rivalry x 100,000,000! I know she is a newbie to the world of therapy (Anyone who thinks it rocks has to be a newbie) But she is way out of line with her comments and I'd let her know it, but seriously you are right...tell your T this won't work. He should understand and refer her to someone else far far away.
I am sorry she did that to you. I can imagine how upset you must be and you have every right to be.
JM
hi guys:
sorry i've been away for awile. too many classes this semester for an old woman. haha. i'm a fruitcake today. i told you that we ended my sessions last month cause i was doing so good. i know there will stil be bad days and all, but...here goes:
I so freaking mad that my T never treated me the way you all talk about yours!!he would be all concerned one day, then at my next session it was like i was sitting there with my parents after i'd done something wrong!!! so what's up with that? and why do i care now? because the transference issue apparently doesn't go away when the sessions are over!!!i feel so stupid and so childish right now. can't believe i'm even posting this. i spoke with my T this week (about another client appt, not about me) and all THIS JUNK has surfaced just from that one little has-nothing-to-do-with-me chat!!! i feel like such a LOSER!!! why do i still feel like this? and when will it GO AWAY??????
sorry i've been away for awile. too many classes this semester for an old woman. haha. i'm a fruitcake today. i told you that we ended my sessions last month cause i was doing so good. i know there will stil be bad days and all, but...here goes:
I so freaking mad that my T never treated me the way you all talk about yours!!he would be all concerned one day, then at my next session it was like i was sitting there with my parents after i'd done something wrong!!! so what's up with that? and why do i care now? because the transference issue apparently doesn't go away when the sessions are over!!!i feel so stupid and so childish right now. can't believe i'm even posting this. i spoke with my T this week (about another client appt, not about me) and all THIS JUNK has surfaced just from that one little has-nothing-to-do-with-me chat!!! i feel like such a LOSER!!! why do i still feel like this? and when will it GO AWAY??????
(((((AJB))))) <--That's cause I missed you and it's good to hear from you.
(((((AJB))))) <--That's because I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.
You know what i think about transeference? .................................................. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what I think about therapy rigt now? ............................................................ IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that's out of the way I am not surprised that transference doesn't just go away when your sessions end. At least not this soon, though I don't blame you for wanting them too. Are you sure it is transference, or are you just grieving? (Both?) I mean you're going to miss him, because this is a big shift. It is also possible that you're not as done as you thought you were. Perhaps there is more you need to work on in your attachment process. In case you didn't catch this before, but a year ago I was in the process of terminating my therapy because we thought I was in a good place and so we started the process as fr as talking about it and summing up my progress and reviewing some issues to see how they impatced me at the time. Every thing went accordingly...check, check, good, check. And then KABOOM! Intense grief and fear over took me and my T ended up saying something like "Attachment is your biggest trauma."
Sorry to be so depressing and discouraging. I hope that I am not. But I am quite melancoly myself right now, but I could not stop myslef from replying to you either. Feel free to use the good ol HTML slapper on me if you need to. You do still know how to use that now don't you?
Anyway, I hear your frustration. But AJB, it's ok to be where you are and feeling all of those feelings. It's ok to go back for a refresher session now and then...little booster sessions. That would have been in my termination plan. This is YOUR call. Tell him what YOU need, not what you think he wants to hear.
And stop calling my friend a loser! You're not a loser.
JM
(((((AJB))))) <--That's because I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.
You know what i think about transeference? .................................................. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what I think about therapy rigt now? ............................................................ IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that's out of the way I am not surprised that transference doesn't just go away when your sessions end. At least not this soon, though I don't blame you for wanting them too. Are you sure it is transference, or are you just grieving? (Both?) I mean you're going to miss him, because this is a big shift. It is also possible that you're not as done as you thought you were. Perhaps there is more you need to work on in your attachment process. In case you didn't catch this before, but a year ago I was in the process of terminating my therapy because we thought I was in a good place and so we started the process as fr as talking about it and summing up my progress and reviewing some issues to see how they impatced me at the time. Every thing went accordingly...check, check, good, check. And then KABOOM! Intense grief and fear over took me and my T ended up saying something like "Attachment is your biggest trauma."
Sorry to be so depressing and discouraging. I hope that I am not. But I am quite melancoly myself right now, but I could not stop myslef from replying to you either. Feel free to use the good ol HTML slapper on me if you need to. You do still know how to use that now don't you?
Anyway, I hear your frustration. But AJB, it's ok to be where you are and feeling all of those feelings. It's ok to go back for a refresher session now and then...little booster sessions. That would have been in my termination plan. This is YOUR call. Tell him what YOU need, not what you think he wants to hear.
And stop calling my friend a loser! You're not a loser.
JM
JUST ME:
thanks so much for responding. i needed to hear it--anything right now. sorry you're having a hard time in your therapy. i wish i knew how to help you.
i WANT to go back so badly, but i just don't think i can. he will think i'm SOOO stupid! i don't even know what to say. we don't talk like you guys do with your therapists i don't think. i mean, what the heck is attachment? he never brought up anything like that!!! i mentioned the transference, but sort of pushed it aside, mostly because it was so embarrassing. he didn't push the issue. i mean, isn't he supposed to make me face it to get to the bottom of it or something? i don't think he even cares. he didn't return my call that ONE time i called him. he knows i got very angry about that because i told him, but he never mentioned it again after that one session. i still don't know why he didn't return my call. all i know is that i must've not been worth the effort. i guess that is why he was so eager to get rid of me so he did not think i needed another scheduled appointment. i guess he didn't want to see me again. and i had decided to ask about termination that day before the session anyway, so i agreed. but he didn't even act interested. like ok, well have a nice life or something!!!
i am acting like such a cry baby today i know. and i AM crying, believe me. it hurts so much! i don't even know what hurts!! something just does.
a collegue of mine saw him today (per my suggestion) and i am so freaking jealous and upset!!! what is wrong with me?? i am NOT some desperate, needy, crazy person, REALLY!!! so, what gives here???
thanks for letting me vent. i might've exploded if i hadn't. haha. and i'm not so sure i'm finished, but that is all for now.
thanks so much for responding. i needed to hear it--anything right now. sorry you're having a hard time in your therapy. i wish i knew how to help you.
i WANT to go back so badly, but i just don't think i can. he will think i'm SOOO stupid! i don't even know what to say. we don't talk like you guys do with your therapists i don't think. i mean, what the heck is attachment? he never brought up anything like that!!! i mentioned the transference, but sort of pushed it aside, mostly because it was so embarrassing. he didn't push the issue. i mean, isn't he supposed to make me face it to get to the bottom of it or something? i don't think he even cares. he didn't return my call that ONE time i called him. he knows i got very angry about that because i told him, but he never mentioned it again after that one session. i still don't know why he didn't return my call. all i know is that i must've not been worth the effort. i guess that is why he was so eager to get rid of me so he did not think i needed another scheduled appointment. i guess he didn't want to see me again. and i had decided to ask about termination that day before the session anyway, so i agreed. but he didn't even act interested. like ok, well have a nice life or something!!!
i am acting like such a cry baby today i know. and i AM crying, believe me. it hurts so much! i don't even know what hurts!! something just does.
a collegue of mine saw him today (per my suggestion) and i am so freaking jealous and upset!!! what is wrong with me?? i am NOT some desperate, needy, crazy person, REALLY!!! so, what gives here???
thanks for letting me vent. i might've exploded if i hadn't. haha. and i'm not so sure i'm finished, but that is all for now.
Does this happen to you guys? I come here to post something that's going on with me, and I get ready to post and lo and behold, it's already here, almost the exact same issue.
I emailed my son's former T with a small update about my son's new therapy and a question for her about something unrelated. I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks and while I knew I missed her, it hit me like a ton of bricks again when I got her email back. The response was nothing special, just basically an answer to my question and thanking me for updating her and hoping things go well, but I can't stop thinking about the email and her now. I keep re-reading it and analyzing every line. And I have this (almost) uncontrollable urge to email her back and fill her in on everything going on in my life and how hard it is not being able to talk to her.
It's been more than a month. MAKE IT STOP!!
Yep, I've felt this way for awhile too but haven't said it. (Well, except I don't get mad - a whole other post - so I'm not mad, but extremely jealous!)
So I agree with JM, you are not a loser! It does feel like grieving to me and I guess everyone does it in their own time.
OW
I emailed my son's former T with a small update about my son's new therapy and a question for her about something unrelated. I haven't talked to her for a couple of weeks and while I knew I missed her, it hit me like a ton of bricks again when I got her email back. The response was nothing special, just basically an answer to my question and thanking me for updating her and hoping things go well, but I can't stop thinking about the email and her now. I keep re-reading it and analyzing every line. And I have this (almost) uncontrollable urge to email her back and fill her in on everything going on in my life and how hard it is not being able to talk to her.
It's been more than a month. MAKE IT STOP!!
quote:I so freaking mad that my T never treated me the way you all talk about yours!!
Yep, I've felt this way for awhile too but haven't said it. (Well, except I don't get mad - a whole other post - so I'm not mad, but extremely jealous!)
So I agree with JM, you are not a loser! It does feel like grieving to me and I guess everyone does it in their own time.
OW