Incognito,
That really sounds awesome that you were able to do that, it really does take a lot of courage. And your T sounds like he has a good handle on what's going on with you which means you're safe.
For the record, neither my T or I have EVER used the word transference. The feelings are real and legitimate, they're just also deeply rooted. The work of therapy for me has increasingly become about discussing the relationship with and my feelings about my T then tracing them to their roots. Therapy is a miniature of our whole life, a laboratory where we can slow down and have the person involved help us to examine our reactions to them so we can see what we're doing, figure out why we're doing it and decide to change what we want to make our life better. Its really very powerful when you can establish enough trust to discuss these feelings. You should be really proud of yourself.
AG
quote:I will be waiting to hear how your session goes.
JM:
well it was the best ever. i actually think i might be getting it a little. but (i know you get tired of hearing this from me all the time--lol)---it's a good thing,cause the next available time for me is EIGHT WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!
well, you know i'll never go that long but anyway....right now i'm still thinking positively from yesterday
AJB,
I know that sometimes you just want to bask in the moment of the positive feelings while you still have them. Go ahead, enjoy.
And in those positive feelings notice how secure you feel. Knowing that even though your appointment is another 8 weeks away, you have the freedom to call before that. It sounds great, and I do not get tired of hearing anything from you. To be able to say that you are getting it “out loud” is a big deal. I do the same thing. We’re still in the same boat; I’ve just been navigating the waters a little longer. Like River always says, “baby steps” but every little step is significant and one step further than where you were before. I am really glad that you had a good session.
I hope the positive feelings last a very long time, but whether they do or whether they begin to dissipate you always have us to talk to here.
I had a wonderful two sessions this week. Tuesday was very intense and very emotional, but we were able to pick up again on Wednesday and that helped a lot! I left feeling very secure both days, a depth of security I had not known before. So I've been basking in that eventhough I still have some very strong emotions tugging at me, I am holding on to the positive feelings as long as I can. They are beginning to feel more permanent, but you know I still have to learn to trust that they are.
Talk to you later!
JM
I know that sometimes you just want to bask in the moment of the positive feelings while you still have them. Go ahead, enjoy.
And in those positive feelings notice how secure you feel. Knowing that even though your appointment is another 8 weeks away, you have the freedom to call before that. It sounds great, and I do not get tired of hearing anything from you. To be able to say that you are getting it “out loud” is a big deal. I do the same thing. We’re still in the same boat; I’ve just been navigating the waters a little longer. Like River always says, “baby steps” but every little step is significant and one step further than where you were before. I am really glad that you had a good session. I hope the positive feelings last a very long time, but whether they do or whether they begin to dissipate you always have us to talk to here.
I had a wonderful two sessions this week. Tuesday was very intense and very emotional, but we were able to pick up again on Wednesday and that helped a lot! I left feeling very secure both days, a depth of security I had not known before. So I've been basking in that eventhough I still have some very strong emotions tugging at me, I am holding on to the positive feelings as long as I can. They are beginning to feel more permanent, but you know I still have to learn to trust that they are.
Talk to you later!
JM
Hello my friends,
I just wanted you too know that after many hours of crying and stressing and crying and eating chocolate milkshakes...( have been driving from one Mcdonalds to the next buying them) i"m up 8 pounds and tottaly depressed and I just can't seem to figure this mess out, what happened???...I was depressed from a car wreck and medical problems..which lead to marital problems, which led to therapy..which led to tranference, which led to stress and depression again...what the devil is wrong here?????
well, I realized that I do need to see a new T. I can't deal with the loss by myself...I've tried and I am going under...(not mention looking like a whale from these shakes!!) I called "him" and he made me an appt for Tuesday to see a female T. in his office...not sure if I can stand seeing him or not...but I want to see him there..Oh God how I hope to see him there!! does that make sense??? But thanks for helping me to understand that it isn't all my fault...but how does he expect me to just forget how I feel about him? Just hope I can deal with it...I have called him about 4 times on is personal voice mail...but he hasn't called me back...do you think he will? It's probably best that he doesn't... but I call sometimes just to hear him on the other end...I think I have totally lost my mind...I'll talk to you soon..Charlotte
I just wanted you too know that after many hours of crying and stressing and crying and eating chocolate milkshakes...( have been driving from one Mcdonalds to the next buying them) i"m up 8 pounds and tottaly depressed and I just can't seem to figure this mess out, what happened???...I was depressed from a car wreck and medical problems..which lead to marital problems, which led to therapy..which led to tranference, which led to stress and depression again...what the devil is wrong here?????
well, I realized that I do need to see a new T. I can't deal with the loss by myself...I've tried and I am going under...(not mention looking like a whale from these shakes!!) I called "him" and he made me an appt for Tuesday to see a female T. in his office...not sure if I can stand seeing him or not...but I want to see him there..Oh God how I hope to see him there!! does that make sense??? But thanks for helping me to understand that it isn't all my fault...but how does he expect me to just forget how I feel about him? Just hope I can deal with it...I have called him about 4 times on is personal voice mail...but he hasn't called me back...do you think he will? It's probably best that he doesn't... but I call sometimes just to hear him on the other end...I think I have totally lost my mind...I'll talk to you soon..Charlotte
quote:but how does he expect me to just forget how I feel about him? Just hope I can deal with it...I have called him about 4 times on is personal voice mail...but he hasn't called me back...do you think he will? It's probably best that he doesn't... but I call sometimes just to hear him on the other end...I think I have totally lost my mind...
Hi Charlotte,
Welcome back.
I don’t think he expects you to forget about him. He knows this will be difficult for you. I understand the “calling his voice mail” several times too. And he may not call back but he is taking care of you the best way that he can.
I am glad that you get to see your new T on Tuesday. I really hope that goes as well as I think it will for you. You deserve to work through this. It sure sounds like you’ve had a wave of rough times with your car accident and everything that sprang from that. That is a lot for anyone to take. So it is good to hear from you. You’ve been on my mind.
Please hang tight. We are always right here for you. And you better let us know right away how Tuesday goes for you and your new T or I’ll hunt you down! (Just kidding)
JM
Hi Charlotte,
I'm sorry this is so painful and confusing but I'm glad you're here talking about it. I think going to the T is a good idea, I think you need someone to help you get through this. And I'd be calling the voicemail too if I were you. And as hard as it is to not have him as your T anymore, try and take comfort in the fact that I think he's trying to do the right thing for you. Let us know how it goes (or I'll have JM hunt you down.)
AG
I'm sorry this is so painful and confusing but I'm glad you're here talking about it. I think going to the T is a good idea, I think you need someone to help you get through this. And I'd be calling the voicemail too if I were you. And as hard as it is to not have him as your T anymore, try and take comfort in the fact that I think he's trying to do the right thing for you. Let us know how it goes (or I'll have JM hunt you down.
)AG
Thanks for the support JM and AG...Your the best!! 
...Hope some day I will be able to look back on this and tell some other "Transference Rookie" that it's all gonna be okay!..Charlotte
...Hope some day I will be able to look back on this and tell some other "Transference Rookie" that it's all gonna be okay!..Charlotte
You will Charlotte, you will. 
This is tough stuff to handle Charlotte, you're doing great. And yes, someday, you will be able to tell some transference rookie that your appointments were six months apart and you had to walk uphill both ways to get to them.
AG
AG
That's MY story AG! Get your own! LOL-just kidding.
You know what I'm impressed with Charlotte? you ARE already rising above this expereince. As horrible as this has been for you, you are determined to walk on. It speaks to your strength that you may not even be aware that you have. AG has this saying, "The only way out of it is through it." You are charging through it. I wish you could see yourself for what everybody else sees.
JM
JM
JM,
I'm sorry, I thought you had to swim not one but TWO raging crocodile infested rivers. I hate when I can't keep that straight!
AG
I'm sorry, I thought you had to swim not one but TWO raging crocodile infested rivers. I hate when I can't keep that straight!
AG
ROFL!!!
It FEELS that way sometimes doesn't it??
It FEELS that way sometimes doesn't it??
YOU TWO GOOFS ARE JUST WHAT THE "DOCTOR" ORDERED (NO PUN INTENDED)FOR A SMILE FROM SOMEONE WHOSE HEART IS BROKEN...KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! 
...CHARLOTTE
FROM SOMEONE WHOSE HEART IS BROKEN...KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! ...CHARLOTTE
Charlotte, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that things work out for you with your new therapist.
SM2003,
Thanks for the thought! I just don't see why I have to go to another T. Does he think I will just say..."Okay moving on now".."I'm over him...Next!!" This is something I have never been through before...and I feel like my world is crashed in and I can't breath...but I have decided that I will see the new T and I am going to Exercise, Tan, Tone and dress to kill!!!...I will show him...when we pass in the office..."AND WE WILL PASS IN THE OFFICE"!!!! if he did have any thoughts of transference with me....He will have a hard time dealing with this too!! ....I just feel mean today...I would probably melt in my shoes if he said..You look nice today!!...But I need to do this for my self and as part of my healing...who knows...maybe my husband might notice me again!!!Charlotte
Thanks for the thought! I just don't see why I have to go to another T. Does he think I will just say..."Okay moving on now".."I'm over him...Next!!" This is something I have never been through before...and I feel like my world is crashed in and I can't breath...but I have decided that I will see the new T and I am going to Exercise, Tan, Tone and dress to kill!!!...I will show him...when we pass in the office..."AND WE WILL PASS IN THE OFFICE"!!!! if he did have any thoughts of transference with me....He will have a hard time dealing with this too!! ....I just feel mean today...I would probably melt in my shoes if he said..You look nice today!!...But I need to do this for my self and as part of my healing...who knows...maybe my husband might notice me again!!!Charlotte
Charlotte, you will be fine! I have to ask though why you decided to stay in his vicinity even though you will be seeing another T in his office?
I also don't understand why some therapists can't deal with situations of transference. I mean aren't they taught techniques on how to deal with the issue should it arise? My T did not terminate me as a patient - I decided that I needed to talk to someone else. I have to also wonder how many other women patients my t has had feelings for in the past. Things that make you go hmm....
I also don't understand why some therapists can't deal with situations of transference. I mean aren't they taught techniques on how to deal with the issue should it arise? My T did not terminate me as a patient - I decided that I needed to talk to someone else. I have to also wonder how many other women patients my t has had feelings for in the past. Things that make you go hmm....
There are a lot of therapists out there who can't deal with transference because they haven't been trained in it, don't have enough experience to deal with it or let the countertransference get the best of them. That's why as a patient you have to be paying attention to what's going on. It's a difficult task to stay emotionally available for a client while maintaining strong boundaries and the necessary detachment to help them. Its much like walking a high wire. In too close, the patient is hurt, out too far, the patient is hurt or at least not helped.
Transference is a very powerful tool for healing in the hands of a therapist who can handle it but can be very painful and possibly re-traumatizing with a therapist who doesn't handle it well.
That's one of the reasons that a T will sometimes refer a case of transference such as happened to you Charlotte. If there is some reason they believe they won't handle it correctly, because of lack of experience or countertransference, then the responsible thing to do is find another T for their client so that they don't hurt them. It's the equilavent of having an issue come up, such as a drug addiction for instance, in which your T has NO experience. They might want to refer you to someone else because they would take better care of you.
In either case, the focus of the therpist should be on the client's well being. But they're human and I imagine being the focus of someone's transference can be pretty flattering, especially if you start to believe that its because of qualtities you possess rather than the result of their being in therapy and acting out their history.
One thing I really appreciated about my T when I told him how I felt was him joking around about all his "good looks and charm" in order to communicate that he really didn't think it was about him.
And SimplyMe I have to ask, if your T didn't terminate you as a patient, what reason did he give for telling you he was attracted to you? If he's going to continue as your therapist it seems he should have kept those feelings to himself. Did he explain why he told you?
AG
Transference is a very powerful tool for healing in the hands of a therapist who can handle it but can be very painful and possibly re-traumatizing with a therapist who doesn't handle it well.
That's one of the reasons that a T will sometimes refer a case of transference such as happened to you Charlotte. If there is some reason they believe they won't handle it correctly, because of lack of experience or countertransference, then the responsible thing to do is find another T for their client so that they don't hurt them. It's the equilavent of having an issue come up, such as a drug addiction for instance, in which your T has NO experience. They might want to refer you to someone else because they would take better care of you.
In either case, the focus of the therpist should be on the client's well being. But they're human and I imagine being the focus of someone's transference can be pretty flattering, especially if you start to believe that its because of qualtities you possess rather than the result of their being in therapy and acting out their history.
One thing I really appreciated about my T when I told him how I felt was him joking around about all his "good looks and charm" in order to communicate that he really didn't think it was about him.
And SimplyMe I have to ask, if your T didn't terminate you as a patient, what reason did he give for telling you he was attracted to you? If he's going to continue as your therapist it seems he should have kept those feelings to himself. Did he explain why he told you?
AG
He told me because I asked and it has been fairly obvious for awhile that he had feelings for me and vice versa. I have to give him credit for not lying to me about his feelings. He could have continued to be my therapist, but what good would that have done me? He never told me that he was going to terminate me as a patient because I never gave him a chance to. I told him assertively that I was going to go to another therapist.
I wonder if the therapists that are psychologists have experience to deal with transference or countertransference. I will say that I don't believe that all attractions are due to either transference or countertransference.
I wonder if the therapists that are psychologists have experience to deal with transference or countertransference. I will say that I don't believe that all attractions are due to either transference or countertransference.
Well Simplyme,
The main reason I chose to stay in his office was to be near him and see him. This is no way a ship in the night that will keep going to be remembered no more...you probably didn't know that I had been seeing him since April of this year, so there is definitly a bond between us. AG, The 2nd reason is that he wants to"Supervise" my progress from the sideline is the phrase he used. I will see the other T, but he will be keeping up with the sessions and making the suggestions for her to give me. Is that the plan of a man that isn't concerned? He offered to refer me to someone else a few blocks down the street, but the thought of not ever seeing him again was more than I could bear!
The 3rd reason is he is one of the best around here! He has several Dr. Degrees, and he stays booked all the time. My neurologist is good friends with him otherwise I would have been on a 3 month waiting list to see him, yes he is quite aware of the transference deal, and he even told me when I expressed my feelings for him that he had dealt with transference before...That's when I told him "I guess so because you are just to ---- sexy for your own good!"...not that he really would ever be on the cover of a magazine for a Mr. Ameica contest, but his gentle voice and abilities make him appear to be for me...anyway (Is it hot in here?) He told me would not terminate me as a patient unless his feelings towrds me changed or became a threat in keeping me safe, (and he told me he did not feel the same about me then) or I was not making progress in my therapy because of the feelings I had for him. I really don't believe 2 weeks later was enough time to see if I was making progress or not do you??
I know he was flattered when I told him 50 times how great of a Dr. he was and that he was the only one that could help me, (when I was begging him not to stop seeing him)...I had already told him that when I revealed my feelings earlier...I know he is doing the right thing for me and him...I really did understand the whole situation, but being "Dumped" I guess you could say after your husband has sorta "Dumped you 5 months earlier....And then he is the only one you have began to trust since then...it was devastating...I literally felt like just tearing his office all to pieces...but that would have only got me arrested probably...I was terribly hurt beyond hurt..but I had to buckle up and say "Charlotte, you are a beautiful woman!, no wonder he couldn't help himself!" and try to move beyond what has happened, (even if that's not the reason) but it will in no way be easy or something I really want to do... but I do love my husband of 30 years, and I feel like he is in transference with something over me...I was in a wreck, I have extensive medical problems, and we both had to have surgery...yes that will make you drift apart and have a few problems...not to mention I believe he is going thru the midlife crisis...exercising, coloring his hair, etc...I guess the timing was right for both of us...but I pray everyday that we can get it together and have another 30...and the final reason I wanted to stay is so that he could see that I did want to get better and get myself together...get in shape and lose this milkshake belly he caused..(LOL)...Talk to you soon my friends...can you tell I have nervous energy?? I have rambled on too long...but I have enjoyed getting some of this out of my head...sorta writers therapy I guess...Thanks for listening!!
Charlotte
The main reason I chose to stay in his office was to be near him and see him. This is no way a ship in the night that will keep going to be remembered no more...you probably didn't know that I had been seeing him since April of this year, so there is definitly a bond between us. AG, The 2nd reason is that he wants to"Supervise" my progress from the sideline is the phrase he used. I will see the other T, but he will be keeping up with the sessions and making the suggestions for her to give me. Is that the plan of a man that isn't concerned? He offered to refer me to someone else a few blocks down the street, but the thought of not ever seeing him again was more than I could bear!
The 3rd reason is he is one of the best around here! He has several Dr. Degrees, and he stays booked all the time. My neurologist is good friends with him otherwise I would have been on a 3 month waiting list to see him, yes he is quite aware of the transference deal, and he even told me when I expressed my feelings for him that he had dealt with transference before...That's when I told him "I guess so because you are just to ---- sexy for your own good!"...not that he really would ever be on the cover of a magazine for a Mr. Ameica contest, but his gentle voice and abilities make him appear to be for me...anyway (Is it hot in here?) He told me would not terminate me as a patient unless his feelings towrds me changed or became a threat in keeping me safe, (and he told me he did not feel the same about me then) or I was not making progress in my therapy because of the feelings I had for him. I really don't believe 2 weeks later was enough time to see if I was making progress or not do you??
I know he was flattered when I told him 50 times how great of a Dr. he was and that he was the only one that could help me, (when I was begging him not to stop seeing him)...I had already told him that when I revealed my feelings earlier...I know he is doing the right thing for me and him...I really did understand the whole situation, but being "Dumped" I guess you could say after your husband has sorta "Dumped you 5 months earlier....And then he is the only one you have began to trust since then...it was devastating...I literally felt like just tearing his office all to pieces...but that would have only got me arrested probably
...I was terribly hurt beyond hurt..but I had to buckle up and say "Charlotte, you are a beautiful woman!, no wonder he couldn't help himself!" and try to move beyond what has happened, (even if that's not the reason) but it will in no way be easy or something I really want to do... but I do love my husband of 30 years, and I feel like he is in transference with something over me...I was in a wreck, I have extensive medical problems, and we both had to have surgery...yes that will make you drift apart and have a few problems...not to mention I believe he is going thru the midlife crisis...exercising, coloring his hair, etc...I guess the timing was right for both of us...but I pray everyday that we can get it together and have another 30...and the final reason I wanted to stay is so that he could see that I did want to get better and get myself together...get in shape and lose this milkshake belly he caused..(LOL)...Talk to you soon my friends...can you tell I have nervous energy?? I have rambled on too long...but I have enjoyed getting some of this out of my head...sorta writers therapy I guess...Thanks for listening!!Charlotte