Hi All
Sorry haven't been around since before the holidays - I was sick, my other half was sick etc etc and only back to work now. Still struggling with transference stuff - at the moment I'm so angry and embarrassed and upset over it I want out!! I really bared by soul this week to my T and I just felt he was being a real 'male' about it, you know, detached, analysing...don't know if I can keep doing this to myself. To cap it all off he slammed the door on me as I was leaving - not on purpose I know but I reacted very badly at the time and accused him of not being able to get rid of me fast enough!! I'm now mortified to go back. This is awful stuff, I know you guys know, but does it ever end. I really thought I had made some breakthroughs and was understanding more and now I'm all over the place again.
Question for you all - have any of you not told your significant other that you're in counselling?
I didn't because I don't think he will understand and now I don't know how to...
Lady
LoS
I can really identify with some of what you are saying. The transference thing is just so confusing and painful to me. Just recently I really bared my all about how I felt about my T. She accepted it very positively and she knows I am totally dependent on her. I thought that would help to get rid of the difficult feelings, and it did for a few days. But then something happened that triggered those feelings again and I am fighting so hard to keep them at bay. I feel like I'm going to have to tell her all of it all over again to give myself some peace. This frightens me.
Your T probably didn't react the way you hoped he would, but don't give up on it. And try not to be embarrassed, even though I know that is an emotion we all have trouble with. He needs to hear what your feelings are about his reaction to you. My T has apologized before when she realized that she did not handle something in a way that made sense to me.
About the significant other - my husband knows that I go to therapy. Sometimes, not often, I tell him some of the things we talk about. But, I have been going 2X's a week for a few months and I have not told him that. One obvious reason is the $, but the other is that I don't think he would understand why. I also could never explain the transference feelings to him. I hardly understand them myself and I feel a little embarrassed that I need her more than I seem to need him at the moment.
I'm sure that you have made some changes in yourself since you started therapy. You may think these are small, but maybe your husband has noticed. You might start out with that conversation and when you feel comfortable, tell him how you have been able to do this. I don't know if this will work for you, just an idea. My best wishes for you on all this.
PL
I can really identify with some of what you are saying. The transference thing is just so confusing and painful to me. Just recently I really bared my all about how I felt about my T. She accepted it very positively and she knows I am totally dependent on her. I thought that would help to get rid of the difficult feelings, and it did for a few days. But then something happened that triggered those feelings again and I am fighting so hard to keep them at bay. I feel like I'm going to have to tell her all of it all over again to give myself some peace. This frightens me.
Your T probably didn't react the way you hoped he would, but don't give up on it. And try not to be embarrassed, even though I know that is an emotion we all have trouble with. He needs to hear what your feelings are about his reaction to you. My T has apologized before when she realized that she did not handle something in a way that made sense to me.
About the significant other - my husband knows that I go to therapy. Sometimes, not often, I tell him some of the things we talk about. But, I have been going 2X's a week for a few months and I have not told him that. One obvious reason is the $, but the other is that I don't think he would understand why. I also could never explain the transference feelings to him. I hardly understand them myself and I feel a little embarrassed that I need her more than I seem to need him at the moment.
I'm sure that you have made some changes in yourself since you started therapy. You may think these are small, but maybe your husband has noticed. You might start out with that conversation and when you feel comfortable, tell him how you have been able to do this. I don't know if this will work for you, just an idea. My best wishes for you on all this.
PL
Hi Lady... I felt I had to reply here because I can relate on two levels. The first is that I have not told my dh that I am in therapy. I have a few reasons. First because he does not really believe in therapy and thinks it's pretty much a lot of just talking and BS. The other is that I want this for myself. I want to be able to have this time for ME and I don't want anyone clouding it or ruining it for me like I know he would. He would want to know everything I told my T and if I didn't tell him he would start acting all weird on me. Or he would judge me in some way for going. And I would feel that I HAD to tell him what I talked about. Now that I'm in therapy, it would be even harder to admit because I am also now so lost in transference with my T. This is hard enough to keep to myself without him knowing about therapy. Yes, it's a tangled web but I know that I am less inhibited with my T because no one really knows that I see him.
Now...I had a session where I needed to make a decision about something and was struggling so I brought it to my T. I needed to talk about my feelings and emotions related to this decision and he seemed to just want to write things down, make lists and act all analytical and detached about it. I kept trying to talk about emotions and he was writing away and being pragmatic. His behavior infuriated me and after awhile I just shut down. He was not getting it and I just gave up instead of calling him on it. I stewed about it all day and that night wrote him a scathing email accusing him of all sorts of (unfair) things.
He emailed me back totally shocked at what I had written and told me I should come in to talk to him about it the next day because he had no idea I was so upset. When I saw him he was visibly concerned and confused by what had happened. I accused him of acting like a "male" and not understanding or not even trying to see what I needed. He said I should have stopped him and told him what I needed from him. Of course by this time I was also feeling sheepish because I had realized that my anger over this was coming from the past and I was not really angry with him but with how some adults in the past had ignored and/or betrayed my needs at the time.
So what I'm saying is that because of that what happened during that session when I felt he was being too analytical and practical we had a very deep, wonderful, clearing the air, very connected session which set the stage for a lot of exploring of other issues. So it all turned out really well. The key is to be courageous enough to look inside yourself to see why you had that reaction and also to take what you learn back to your T and discuss it openly and honestly. Despite my transference love for my T I seem to have no reservations about confronting him on things that bother me. I would guess this is a good thing because I don't let my feelings for him interfere with the therapy we need to do. And he is always very responsive and accommodating to me. And he never seems to hold a grudge LOL. Of course, he is not supposed to either!
On a funny side note... the other day we were talking and he was trying to keep everything I was saying straight and he smiled at me and said "well I would have written it all down except that I don't dare pick up my pad any more" I had to laugh at that because I knew what he was referring to. I told him that I'm over that now and he could feel free to jot stuff down whenever he needs to... but that if I feel upset by it I will just tell him.
Just thought I'd share.
TN
Now...I had a session where I needed to make a decision about something and was struggling so I brought it to my T. I needed to talk about my feelings and emotions related to this decision and he seemed to just want to write things down, make lists and act all analytical and detached about it. I kept trying to talk about emotions and he was writing away and being pragmatic. His behavior infuriated me and after awhile I just shut down. He was not getting it and I just gave up instead of calling him on it. I stewed about it all day and that night wrote him a scathing email accusing him of all sorts of (unfair) things.
He emailed me back totally shocked at what I had written and told me I should come in to talk to him about it the next day because he had no idea I was so upset. When I saw him he was visibly concerned and confused by what had happened. I accused him of acting like a "male" and not understanding or not even trying to see what I needed. He said I should have stopped him and told him what I needed from him. Of course by this time I was also feeling sheepish because I had realized that my anger over this was coming from the past and I was not really angry with him but with how some adults in the past had ignored and/or betrayed my needs at the time.
So what I'm saying is that because of that what happened during that session when I felt he was being too analytical and practical we had a very deep, wonderful, clearing the air, very connected session which set the stage for a lot of exploring of other issues. So it all turned out really well. The key is to be courageous enough to look inside yourself to see why you had that reaction and also to take what you learn back to your T and discuss it openly and honestly. Despite my transference love for my T I seem to have no reservations about confronting him on things that bother me. I would guess this is a good thing because I don't let my feelings for him interfere with the therapy we need to do. And he is always very responsive and accommodating to me. And he never seems to hold a grudge LOL. Of course, he is not supposed to either!
On a funny side note... the other day we were talking and he was trying to keep everything I was saying straight and he smiled at me and said "well I would have written it all down except that I don't dare pick up my pad any more" I had to laugh at that because I knew what he was referring to. I told him that I'm over that now and he could feel free to jot stuff down whenever he needs to... but that if I feel upset by it I will just tell him.
Just thought I'd share.
TN
TN and PL
Thank you both for replying - I feel much relieved on both counts....
Lady
Thank you both for replying - I feel much relieved on both counts....
Lady
LoS,
It's good to hear from you, it's been awhile and I was getting a little worried about you. Glad you're finally feeling better.
Just because you're all over the place again, doesn't mean that the breakthroughs and understandings didn't happen. The nature of this work is that you need to experience something new over and over again in order to heal, so sometimes it feels like you're stuck when you're really not. I really do think it eventually ends, but it's slow going. I just had an amazing, wonderful appt with my T (see Gift Giving) and now I am experiencing serious snapback. I really thought I had worked through all the variations but getting so close is making me want to run again. Todays' flavor is "you can't have everything you want so get out now before it gets even more painful." Every time I really connect with him, I enjoy it for a day or so, then the feeling of bereft longing for what I cannot have and know will never be rises up. And I feel like a spoiled, greedy child who will never have enough. And then I realize that I'm going to have to discuss it with my T (if we can EVER reschedule, but that's a bitter story for another day.
) and just how many times do I have to go over this?
On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long. So I do think there's hope, but when you're going through it, it's so overwhelming and feels like forever.
My husband does know about therapy because we also see my T together for marital counseling. He also knows about the transference. The day after I told my T I was attracted to him, I told my husband. It just felt REALLY wrong to go into a couples session knowing how I felt about our T, knowing that my T knew and my poor husband would be the only one in the room who didn't know. He was really good about it, still is, much better than I would be I think. But I think that he really trusts both me and my T that nothing's going to happen. He's been in therapy also (not for as long a stretches as I have) so he mainly gets it. At least he does now, he used to not be good about it. But I must admit, I think he's a rare man in the amount of patience he has with me when I'm dealing with my stuff.
AG
It's good to hear from you, it's been awhile and I was getting a little worried about you. Glad you're finally feeling better.
quote:This is awful stuff, I know you guys know, but does it ever end. I really thought I had made some breakthroughs and was understanding more and now I'm all over the place again.
Just because you're all over the place again, doesn't mean that the breakthroughs and understandings didn't happen. The nature of this work is that you need to experience something new over and over again in order to heal, so sometimes it feels like you're stuck when you're really not. I really do think it eventually ends, but it's slow going. I just had an amazing, wonderful appt with my T (see Gift Giving) and now I am experiencing serious snapback. I really thought I had worked through all the variations but getting so close is making me want to run again. Todays' flavor is "you can't have everything you want so get out now before it gets even more painful." Every time I really connect with him, I enjoy it for a day or so, then the feeling of bereft longing for what I cannot have and know will never be rises up. And I feel like a spoiled, greedy child who will never have enough. And then I realize that I'm going to have to discuss it with my T (if we can EVER reschedule, but that's a bitter story for another day.
) and just how many times do I have to go over this?On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long. So I do think there's hope, but when you're going through it, it's so overwhelming and feels like forever.
My husband does know about therapy because we also see my T together for marital counseling. He also knows about the transference. The day after I told my T I was attracted to him, I told my husband. It just felt REALLY wrong to go into a couples session knowing how I felt about our T, knowing that my T knew and my poor husband would be the only one in the room who didn't know. He was really good about it, still is, much better than I would be I think. But I think that he really trusts both me and my T that nothing's going to happen. He's been in therapy also (not for as long a stretches as I have) so he mainly gets it. At least he does now, he used to not be good about it. But I must admit, I think he's a rare man in the amount of patience he has with me when I'm dealing with my stuff.
AG
quote:On the other hand, (of course, there is one) writing the thank you note for my T really let me see how far I've come and how much I've changed since seeing him. And we've been able to do that despite me experiencing such encompassing, intense feelings for him. And the stretchs of feeling secure and crazy don't come as often or last as long.
AG
This is so true. It is hard to remember this during the rough times, but it does help to get me through them. All the letters that I have sent to my T are on my computer, so when I am feeling really low (and the VM's don't get me through it,) I can go back and read them. It is interesting to me to see the progress I've made when reading the ones I wrote a while ago.
I also understand the "just how many times do I have to go over this." Sometimes I feel like I've gone over stuff so much that she must be bored with it, but I need the reassurance. That seems to be what eventually makes it work.
PL
Hello Guys,
I guess this is where I will jump back in the forum at...I know some of you know where I have been with my transference in the past...PL and LS...Thank God your T's understand you and you can confront them....When I confronted my Old Mr. T a couple months ago...He dismissed me at the next session...See Transference I (pg 9 posts 38, pg 12 post 37 to get the pre story) and Transference II pg 1 post 38 for the big blow up) I t was the biggest slap in the face I ever expereinced...but to beat it all...I can never tell my husband any of it...he would probably leave me....he is very old school...and very jealous...(of all 230 pounds of blubbering old fat I carry around!! lol) I really truley hated him for many weeks...but guess what?? I see another female T and I also see him every week in the office (just passing by) but he always speaks to me...and I speak to him...it gets easier every week...I have made great strides with Ms. T...I know Mr. T is reading my work and keeping tabs on me and she told me 3 weeks ago that he was so proud of the success I was making... but guess again...I still love that man...guess I always will..but I see myself beginning to break away and although I see him every week and my heart flutters...it flutters because I know he sees improvement in me...and I know he did the right thing...to help me get better...but I still hate him for it...in a loving way!! I know that he is there, not seeing me...but seeing me...does that make sense?
And the most amazing thing is the people on this forum were there for me from the first moment I signed on!!! They helped me thru it and still help me thru crap when it piles up!!...They help me many times just talking to others..I take their words and put it in my own situation...hang tight...and posts your every need for information...somebody here has what you need to hear...it's just one of God's many blessings that he gives us!!
Oh my gosh JM....I just did it...remember the conversation we had about the transference rd? First you go down it, then you can lead others...thanks all my pals...It's getting easier for old Charlotte....and it ain't getting easier too!!!!!...you just have to be in the transference club to understand that one...LOL....
Talk to you all later...C.
I guess this is where I will jump back in the forum at...I know some of you know where I have been with my transference in the past...PL and LS...Thank God your T's understand you and you can confront them....When I confronted my Old Mr. T a couple months ago...He dismissed me at the next session...See Transference I (pg 9 posts 38, pg 12 post 37 to get the pre story) and Transference II pg 1 post 38 for the big blow up) I t was the biggest slap in the face I ever expereinced...but to beat it all...I can never tell my husband any of it...he would probably leave me....he is very old school...and very jealous...(of all 230 pounds of blubbering old fat I carry around!! lol) I really truley hated him for many weeks...but guess what?? I see another female T and I also see him every week in the office (just passing by) but he always speaks to me...and I speak to him...it gets easier every week...I have made great strides with Ms. T...I know Mr. T is reading my work and keeping tabs on me and she told me 3 weeks ago that he was so proud of the success I was making... but guess again...I still love that man...guess I always will..but I see myself beginning to break away and although I see him every week and my heart flutters...it flutters because I know he sees improvement in me...and I know he did the right thing...to help me get better...but I still hate him for it...in a loving way!! I know that he is there, not seeing me...but seeing me...does that make sense?
And the most amazing thing is the people on this forum were there for me from the first moment I signed on!!! They helped me thru it and still help me thru crap when it piles up!!...They help me many times just talking to others..I take their words and put it in my own situation...hang tight...and posts your every need for information...somebody here has what you need to hear...it's just one of God's many blessings that he gives us!!
Oh my gosh JM....I just did it...remember the conversation we had about the transference rd? First you go down it, then you can lead others...thanks all my pals...It's getting easier for old Charlotte....and it ain't getting easier too!!!!!...you just have to be in the transference club to understand that one...LOL....
Talk to you all later...C.
Hi Charlotte,
Glad to hear things are still going ok for you on your bumpy journey along "Transference Road." (Why does that sound like such a good title for a book?-Perhaps I just need some sleep.) I am happy that it's getting easier when you run into Mr. T and that things are working so well with Ms. T. Of course you still love that man, he continues to show great care and concern for you. I think it's natural for you to hold onto some of those feelings for a while and even get flutters when you see him. It'll take time, but all of that will continue to ease up. Meanwhile your strength and fortitude are an asset to our community.
And Charlotte, I am sure that there are others who are quietly lurking on the side lines of this forum who read your posts and sadly share your horrifying experiences but are inspired by your courage and determination too.
Thanks for keeping us updated on you progress and to know that even the heartaches of heartaches does not have to mean the end of it. You have bravely conquered the agonizing pain that all of us fear and dread most and you have shown that there is even a bright hope illuminating from the other side. Thank you for sharing this with us.
JM
Glad to hear things are still going ok for you on your bumpy journey along "Transference Road." (Why does that sound like such a good title for a book?-Perhaps I just need some sleep.) I am happy that it's getting easier when you run into Mr. T and that things are working so well with Ms. T. Of course you still love that man, he continues to show great care and concern for you. I think it's natural for you to hold onto some of those feelings for a while and even get flutters when you see him. It'll take time, but all of that will continue to ease up. Meanwhile your strength and fortitude are an asset to our community.
And Charlotte, I am sure that there are others who are quietly lurking on the side lines of this forum who read your posts and sadly share your horrifying experiences but are inspired by your courage and determination too.
Thanks for keeping us updated on you progress and to know that even the heartaches of heartaches does not have to mean the end of it. You have bravely conquered the agonizing pain that all of us fear and dread most and you have shown that there is even a bright hope illuminating from the other side. Thank you for sharing this with us.
JM
Hey everyone,
I came across an interesting theory about transference today on a discussion board about transference and the show "In Treatment." The poster said:
For me, this hit home. In the very early stages of my situation with Dr. X, there was a song that I identified with this situation and the lyrics said: "I saw it/something in your eyes/I wanted it for myself." I always read it as wanting him for myself but what I "saw" in those early days was compassion. Compassion for ME. I have spent a lifetime being so hard on myself, reducing my own experiences, tearing myself down, and not being completely forthcoming. He has done none of those things. He has treated me with understanding, validated my experiences, shown compassion, caring and honesty, even when it was clearly counter-transferential and slightly blurred the boundary lines. He has shown me a human love that I desperately want to give myself. Because of seeing these qualities in him as a positive instead of a sign of weakness, I have been able to help myself by being more forthcoming about myself, of not reducing my own experiences down to nothing, of giving myself the self-compassion that I have been in need of. In a way, he is a mirror.
SG
I came across an interesting theory about transference today on a discussion board about transference and the show "In Treatment." The poster said:
quote:in therapy, i suggest the transference occurs when the patient begins to fall in love with the self that has been repressed and sees that self mirrored in the therapist.
if you accept that concept, isn't it easy to see that taking oneself to therapy is an act of self love?
when the therapy works, the person is better able to love and accept self and learns how to create change for the better. the therapist/facilitator is the guide and through the good therapist's eyes, a person can begin to see self in a more loving, less frightening way.
For me, this hit home. In the very early stages of my situation with Dr. X, there was a song that I identified with this situation and the lyrics said: "I saw it/something in your eyes/I wanted it for myself." I always read it as wanting him for myself but what I "saw" in those early days was compassion. Compassion for ME. I have spent a lifetime being so hard on myself, reducing my own experiences, tearing myself down, and not being completely forthcoming. He has done none of those things. He has treated me with understanding, validated my experiences, shown compassion, caring and honesty, even when it was clearly counter-transferential and slightly blurred the boundary lines. He has shown me a human love that I desperately want to give myself. Because of seeing these qualities in him as a positive instead of a sign of weakness, I have been able to help myself by being more forthcoming about myself, of not reducing my own experiences down to nothing, of giving myself the self-compassion that I have been in need of. In a way, he is a mirror.
SG
WOW! SG
Thanks for sharing this. It really gives me a lot of food for thought, and makes so much sense. I think I might start looking at this transference in a much different way, and therefore suffer much less pain.
PL
Thanks for sharing this. It really gives me a lot of food for thought, and makes so much sense. I think I might start looking at this transference in a much different way, and therefore suffer much less pain.
PL
Thank you, SG. Your post was really beautiful and insightful. Like, PL, it has given me a lot of new stuff to think about.
SG,
That is so true. My T and I spent a lot of time when I first started working with him talking about mirroring. That humans are incapable of knowing themselves outside of being in a relationship. But that not having a secure attachement is like looking in a mirror and getting no reflection, so how do you know who you are? And if you can't know that, how could you possibly appreciate who you are?
But I never made the leap to seeing my feelings for my T as a reflection of my feelings about myself. Going to be noodling on that one for awhile. Although, it is a cheering thought because if it's true, I REALLY REALLY like myself. Thanks for the insight.
AG
That is so true. My T and I spent a lot of time when I first started working with him talking about mirroring. That humans are incapable of knowing themselves outside of being in a relationship. But that not having a secure attachement is like looking in a mirror and getting no reflection, so how do you know who you are? And if you can't know that, how could you possibly appreciate who you are?
But I never made the leap to seeing my feelings for my T as a reflection of my feelings about myself. Going to be noodling on that one for awhile. Although, it is a cheering thought because if it's true, I REALLY REALLY like myself.
Thanks for the insight.AG
quote:have any of you not told your significant other that you're in counselling
LADY:
I did not tell my husband until after my first visit(I had called and scheduled then cancelled many times before this first actaul appointment, too). Then I just decided to go ahead because I was in such bad shape at the time. I guess I didn't really care one way or the other at the time what he would think or say. He reacted much better than I thought he would. We were not doing great in our marriage at th time either. My counseling actually helped our marriage in that it helped me figure out some things I was afraid of and why I was acting the ways was towards my husband at times. Actually I would go so far as to say it even SAVED my marriage, even though my husband did not go with me.
I don't know your situation at all, but maybe you should ask your counselor how to approach the subject with your partner. Good luck whatever you decide to do. Take care of YOU!!
SP:
Your post was SOOOO interesting! Like the others have written, it is alot to think about, but I'm thinking there's alot of truth to it!! Thanks for posting.
Your post was SOOOO interesting! Like the others have written, it is alot to think about, but I'm thinking there's alot of truth to it!! Thanks for posting.
SG,
You know I really believe this is true. I think the ultimate goal of therapy is to learn to love ourselves and mirroring that through our T's reaction to us (and our needs)is one way we achieve that. An infant learns its value and place in this world through the response of it's primary attachment figure. By feeling and experiencing being loved they learn to love (themselves). When that doesn't happen properly we get a second chance in therapy through developing a deep attachment to our therapist.
I hate to repeate myself, but I made a remark to my T about how much I love being with her in session and her response was because it was all about me there and that I am learning to enjoy being around myself. In therapy it is all about us. What we enjoy about being with our T is not because we are learning anything about them, but that we are learning so much about ourselves, our belonging and place in this world, and how our tragedies do not define us, but that we are important and worthwhile, and lovable despite what we have suffered.
Thanks for sharing SG. This is so important.
JM
You know I really believe this is true. I think the ultimate goal of therapy is to learn to love ourselves and mirroring that through our T's reaction to us (and our needs)is one way we achieve that. An infant learns its value and place in this world through the response of it's primary attachment figure. By feeling and experiencing being loved they learn to love (themselves). When that doesn't happen properly we get a second chance in therapy through developing a deep attachment to our therapist.
I hate to repeate myself, but I made a remark to my T about how much I love being with her in session and her response was because it was all about me there and that I am learning to enjoy being around myself. In therapy it is all about us. What we enjoy about being with our T is not because we are learning anything about them, but that we are learning so much about ourselves, our belonging and place in this world, and how our tragedies do not define us, but that we are important and worthwhile, and lovable despite what we have suffered.
Thanks for sharing SG. This is so important.
JM
Hi All
This is really interesting stuff especially the self-love reflection idea.
I met with my T yesterday. I'm still p"*sed with him. We've been so close and I'm not getting that from him now and I don't know if he is pulling away, if I'm pulling away or if it's just the process. He's still there for me but not in the same way. I don't see the compassion in his eyes or hear it in his voice - I don't experience him in the same way but I know he's there for me. I'm in a complete mess about it all. I'm crying a lot - not overly distressed or anything but I seem to be crying every time I'm on my own. It's like I'm grieving or am heartbroken. I know from your posts that some of you have experienced these emotions. I feel I'm in the grip of something and I want to go on and I want to stop at the same time.
He brought up the question of whether or not I was paying attention to the way I dress when I'm meeting him and I just bounced it right back and denied that there was anything in it, that I was usually dressed for work when I met him at the end of the day. I don't feel able to acknowledge that he might have something there....
I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.
I haven't told him this and I imagine you're all (well a few of the usual suspects anyway AG, JM, PL...) going to say I should.
I tell ya it's not gettin any easier!
Lady
This is really interesting stuff especially the self-love reflection idea.
I met with my T yesterday. I'm still p"*sed with him. We've been so close and I'm not getting that from him now and I don't know if he is pulling away, if I'm pulling away or if it's just the process. He's still there for me but not in the same way. I don't see the compassion in his eyes or hear it in his voice - I don't experience him in the same way but I know he's there for me. I'm in a complete mess about it all. I'm crying a lot - not overly distressed or anything but I seem to be crying every time I'm on my own. It's like I'm grieving or am heartbroken. I know from your posts that some of you have experienced these emotions. I feel I'm in the grip of something and I want to go on and I want to stop at the same time.
He brought up the question of whether or not I was paying attention to the way I dress when I'm meeting him and I just bounced it right back and denied that there was anything in it, that I was usually dressed for work when I met him at the end of the day. I don't feel able to acknowledge that he might have something there....
I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.
I haven't told him this and I imagine you're all (well a few of the usual suspects anyway AG, JM, PL...) going to say I should.
I tell ya it's not gettin any easier!
Lady
(((Lady)))
As one of your aforementioned usual suspects I just want to say that I understand your fears, your needing attention and thinking that you are losing him or that he is pulling away and that you might be inclined to make something up to hold onto him or to regain what you feel you've lost, is completely understandable to me. When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok.
I can't say for sure, but most likely you are projecting your T pulling away when it is likey you doing so as we tend to want to run from danger and getting close to our T's feels dangerous sometimes because trusting and being close to someone in the past often meant danger and getting hurt. So when you hit a speed bump even or should I say especially, in the relationship with your T a very primitive response takes over (in the amygdala)that tells you to run away and we do this w/o even noticing most of the time thinking and believing that it is others who are pulling away from us. This is something my T has painfully tried to pound into my head over the years. The fact that you question it and recognize that it is "possibly you" is actually a very big leap in your awareness of it and progress. So hopefully this normalizs what you are feeling and would make it easier for you to approach your T about anything you feel you need to talk about.
Just so you know I am painfully torn right now with a decision to share something with my T too. So I still experience the painful emotions, the grief, and heartbreak (and very currently mind you) that we feel in this relationship that reflects from so many relationships and experiences in the span of our lifetime and the fear of losing someone so significant that it feels like our life force will just expire. Perhaps you have a better handle on this than I do right now, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is not uncommon or unique to yourself.
I have a thought about what he said about the way you dress when meeting him. I think of it this way, when you notice a concern about a close friend or someone you care about you are more inclined to feel free to express that to them than you would a stranger or an acquaintence. Your T being willing to broach a typically sensitive subject and bring this to your attention reveals the level of confidence and trust that he feels you have both reached in your relationship. I don't know it is just a thought, but I can also relate to your initial defensiveness. I know I get that way with my T a lot. I don't know why the woman puts up with me, really.
So if you tell your T about being tempted to make things up to get his attention how do you think he's going to react? My guess is he's going to help you get to the source of that temptation and why you feel a need to do that and even help you to accept that part of you and to lessen the need to feel like you have to continue to do that. That sounds like a good place to go to me.
I know that right now this is not getting any easier. But it always proves to be worth it after we unravel and mend those broken areas. There just seems to be a lot broken sometimes, huh?
Hang in there, we'll make it.
JM
As one of your aforementioned usual suspects
I just want to say that I understand your fears, your needing attention and thinking that you are losing him or that he is pulling away and that you might be inclined to make something up to hold onto him or to regain what you feel you've lost, is completely understandable to me. When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok. I can't say for sure, but most likely you are projecting your T pulling away when it is likey you doing so as we tend to want to run from danger and getting close to our T's feels dangerous sometimes because trusting and being close to someone in the past often meant danger and getting hurt. So when you hit a speed bump even or should I say especially, in the relationship with your T a very primitive response takes over (in the amygdala)that tells you to run away and we do this w/o even noticing most of the time thinking and believing that it is others who are pulling away from us. This is something my T has painfully tried to pound into my head over the years. The fact that you question it and recognize that it is "possibly you" is actually a very big leap in your awareness of it and progress. So hopefully this normalizs what you are feeling and would make it easier for you to approach your T about anything you feel you need to talk about.
Just so you know I am painfully torn right now with a decision to share something with my T too. So I still experience the painful emotions, the grief, and heartbreak (and very currently mind you) that we feel in this relationship that reflects from so many relationships and experiences in the span of our lifetime and the fear of losing someone so significant that it feels like our life force will just expire. Perhaps you have a better handle on this than I do right now, but I do want you to know that what you are feeling is not uncommon or unique to yourself.
I have a thought about what he said about the way you dress when meeting him. I think of it this way, when you notice a concern about a close friend or someone you care about you are more inclined to feel free to express that to them than you would a stranger or an acquaintence. Your T being willing to broach a typically sensitive subject and bring this to your attention reveals the level of confidence and trust that he feels you have both reached in your relationship. I don't know it is just a thought, but I can also relate to your initial defensiveness. I know I get that way with my T a lot. I don't know why the woman puts up with me, really.
So if you tell your T about being tempted to make things up to get his attention how do you think he's going to react? My guess is he's going to help you get to the source of that temptation and why you feel a need to do that and even help you to accept that part of you and to lessen the need to feel like you have to continue to do that. That sounds like a good place to go to me.
I know that right now this is not getting any easier. But it always proves to be worth it after we unravel and mend those broken areas. There just seems to be a lot broken sometimes, huh?
Hang in there, we'll make it.
JM
Sometimes when I start feeling better and things in my life are going well I start to panic because I'm afraid my T will get bored with me and/or I won't need to see her anymore.
Other times, when the crap is all hitting the fan and I am a royal mess, I wonder if there is anything at all about me or my situation that is particularly interesting or challenging to my T, or am I just another one in a long line of clients that say the same stuff to her over and over again day after day. I guess I want to be special even if being special means that I am the worst case of whatever she has ever seen.
I guess that is what it boils down to: I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her. I'm trying to get on even ground with her and diffuse the power differential some. (This whole last paragraph is something I just thought of while writing this post. Thanks Lady and JM for that bit of inspiration!)
Other times, when the crap is all hitting the fan and I am a royal mess, I wonder if there is anything at all about me or my situation that is particularly interesting or challenging to my T, or am I just another one in a long line of clients that say the same stuff to her over and over again day after day. I guess I want to be special even if being special means that I am the worst case of whatever she has ever seen.
I guess that is what it boils down to: I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her. I'm trying to get on even ground with her and diffuse the power differential some. (This whole last paragraph is something I just thought of while writing this post. Thanks Lady and JM for that bit of inspiration!)
quote:When I tell you that IS childish please understand that is completely acceptable and age appropriate with where you are at in therapy. Outside of therapy you are I am just as certain, a responsible, level headed adult taking care of many responsiblities. In therapy we have room to nurture and give voice to our inner child that craves the sort of attention you mention, as well as love and reassurance we need and that's ok.
LoS
What JM says here is so important. I have struggled so hard with this and I still do. It just made no sense to me that I should have these childish feelings as I'm a grown adult and these are inappropriate to me. My T has explained many times that it is appropriate in therapy because these are the feelings that did not get addressed or validated or whatever when I was a child and I need to experience them now in order to work through them. It is scary and painful, but little by little I think I will get through them. I also told my T that I thought I was making things up just to get her attention. In my mind, I still have that fear that if I get better, she won't want to waste her time with me anymore. Again, all of this relates to my childhood where my feelings weren't taken seriously or validated.
Interesting that your T asked you about what you wear. I never gave this much thought before, but I ALWAYS plan what I put on for work on the days I have therapy. It is important to me that I look good for her. When you figure out what this means, let me know.
This whole relationship with our T's can be so overwhelming, painful and loving. I guess for me, it just depends on what is going on at the moment as to which emotion I am feeling. Right now I'm loving her with all my heart as she is really supporting me through some pretty difficult stuff, but who knows what next week will bring. As difficult and painful as it is to tell some things to our T's, it really does bring relief afterwards. (says the biggest chicken of the year!)
PL
quote:I desperately want to feel like I am interesting, unique and special to my T whether it is for something good or bad. Do I stand out? Does she think of me during the week? It is all an attempt to balance out how special she is to me and how much I think about her.
Those are good questions River, have you considered coming right out and asking her? You may be pleasantly surprised at her answers.
My T actually mentioned that there are "idiosyncracies" to our relationship this week. This may be a leap, but I take what I can get and translate that to mean special.
eheh. "Idiosyncracies! She said we have idiosyncracies, gosh!" *blush* She has also told me that each of her clients enter her mind outside of therapy at different times including me. And that it's never "out of sight out of mind" kind of deal for her. It's sort of like someone who has more than one child (which you and I share the fact of having an only child, but can relate to anyway I think)They can love all their children equally while finding room for specialties in each of their relationships.
Thanks HB
Actually, I was thinking that I am not really coping well with what is going on at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself today. But, you made me rethink this and to tell you the truth, with the enormity of what I'm dealing with right now, I AM coping. At least coping better than I have in the past and that is a step in the right direction.
It doesn't mean the problem has gone away by any means, but looking at this in a different way is helping me to pull myself out of today's depression I am so glad I joined this forum. Everyone here has given me so much and made me feel as if there is a light somewhere at the end of this very long tunnel.
Actually, I was thinking that I am not really coping well with what is going on at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself today. But, you made me rethink this and to tell you the truth, with the enormity of what I'm dealing with right now, I AM coping. At least coping better than I have in the past and that is a step in the right direction.
It doesn't mean the problem has gone away by any means, but looking at this in a different way is helping me to pull myself out of today's depression I am so glad I joined this forum. Everyone here has given me so much and made me feel as if there is a light somewhere at the end of this very long tunnel.quote:I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.
HB
Great analogy. I agree and I'll try to keep that picture in my mind today. I called my T last night because the downward spiral was beginning and I woke up with it too. She will call me sometime today and at least I know I can have a conversation with her without so much depression. For now, I'm hanging in a linear place and hoping I will begin to spiral up rather than down soon.
PL
quote:I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.
HB,
I love this analogy too. It speaks to my inner athlete that is lost in there somewhere struggling to find her way out again.
PL,
I hope you are able to use that spiral in an upward direction too. I never considered it that way as if we might even have a choice to use the momentum to carry us in a centrifugal direction. I just called my T too hoping she will be able to give me a little pep talk since I lack the motivation myself.
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time too PL. Whatever this stuff is that you are dealing with is certainly not deserved and if sweetness were an inability to hurt you'd never have to worry about it. You are as brave and strong in your coping as HB pointed out. I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.
JM
quote:I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.
Thanks JM
She just called. She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste. She told me that I should go to dinner and a movie tonight with my husband to get my mind off of this situation. Wish she had asked me to go to a movie with her!!
Ok, sorry I digressed. Well anyway, I feel so much better at the moment. She knows me better than I know myself, and seems to always know just the right thing to say to help me out.
Thanks JM and HB for all your support. the downward spiral has been thwarted for now. Let's see how long it takes me to think something else up.
PL
quote:She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste.
It isn't enough that it seems like we live parallel lives PL, but our T's do too? That or she is the same T.
I wont ask where you live or where your T works. Only thing though, my T wouldn't suggest my husband and I go to dinner and a movie. Not that anything is wrong with that, I just don't see that coming from my T. Nor would she ask me to go either. 
My T also asked me about what I have done to self-soothe and suggested my recording as we already discussed in someone else's topic. Ssshh! Glad you thwarted that spiral!
JM
Yeah JM, it is funny how much we seem to have in common. The reason she suggested the dinner and movie is because I really need to connect better emotionally with my husband. My shield hides me from everyone. Also, my situation at this time involves our son and she tells me all the time not to let our son's issues come between my husband and me. For the real self-soothing, I am doing mindfullness meditation. I have just started taking a class and it will go for the next 7 weeks. I should be really mellow or really mindless (OOPS!) mindful, by the end of this.
PL
PL
quote:I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.
HELLO LOS,
I GUESS THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY ONE OF US THAT HASN'T PLOTED OR EVEN FUDGED AN ISSUE WITH OUR T'S OR OUR HUSBANDS, OR FRIENDS, ETC. WHEN WE FEEL LIKE THERE IS AN ABSOLUTE NEED FOR SOME ONE ON ONE ATTENTION. GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS...YES, WE ALL THINK UP CHILDISH THINGS SOMETIMES...BUT TRUST ME THERE IS PLENTY OF THINGS THAT RISE UP IN SESSION MOST OF THE TIME THAT KEEP US TIED UP...I THINK MOST OF THE TIME THE CHILDISH IDEAS JUST PASS THRU YOUR MIND WHEN YOU GET BORED WITH THE CURRENT ISSUES..AND THAT IS FINE TOO..WE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH OUR MINDS ANYWAY RUNNING AMUCK SOMETIMES...I MEAN COME ON GUYS...WE DIDN'T BUY OUR TRANSFERENCE AT WALMART!!
LOL!! I DO BELIEVE IT ALL STARTED IN THE MIND RIGHT?? BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...I CAN TELL MY NEW MS. T THINGS LIKE THAT THAT PASS THRU MY MIND..AND WE PROCESS IT AND GUESS WHAT...IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO GET OUT IN THE OPEN ANYWAY!!IF I HAD THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT I COULD HAVE TALKED MY OLD MR T OUT OF DISMISSING ME....THERE IS NO TELLING WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID..IF I THOUGHT I COULD HAVE STAYED IN JUST ONE MORE SESSION WITH HIM...I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM I SAW HIS WIFE OUT TO DINNER WITH HIS ATTORNEY...OR BROTHER, OR DOCTOR, OR HIS DADDY
.....I WAS SO DESPERATE TO KEEP HIM...I WOULD HAVE THREATENED TO JUMP OUT OF HIS 7TH STORY OFFICE WINDOW...BUT THAT WOULD HAVE ONLY GOTTEN ME IN LOCKDOWN!! ....I ALMOST BEGGED HIM ON MY KNEES TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE...HE TOLD ME "NO!!!..THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD....I'M NOT BACKING DOWN...AND I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!" YES, I HATED HIS GUTS 
...YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY...SO DON'T FEEL SILLY OR ALONE...WE HAVE HAD THE SAME THOUGHTS I'M SURE...ALSO FOR THE DRESSING FOR SESSION THING...YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DRESS THE PART EVERY TUESDAY...I GO RIGHT AFTER WORK...I TAKE MY MAKEUP, AND ACCESSORIES...SOMETIMES A WHOLE OTHER OUTFIT IN MY BAG...FIRST I WAS DOING IT BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE IN SESSION WITH HIM OF COURSE
BUT NOW I DO IT...BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE SESSION OUT OF HIS OFFICE...BUT HE STILL SEES ME EVERY WEEK!!!...I EITHER WANT HIM TO SEE ME GETTING BETTER AND COPING WELL (BECAUSE I AM )...OR SHOWING HIM WHAT HE'S MISSING!!! ...(OKAY I MAY REGRESS EVERY NOW & THEN SO WHAT)...EITHER WAY....IT MAKES ME...CHARLOTTE FEEL BETTER TO LOOK MY ABSOLUTE BEST!! AND THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT RIGHT?? FEELING OUR BEST AND MOVING PAST THIS PART OF OUR LIVES?...STICK IT OUT GUYS...WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT....EVEN IF SOMETIMES, WE MAY HAVE TO FAKE IT!! 
HAHA!! TALK TO YOU SOON, C.
Hi! I have been reading posts on this site for the last several weeks.. It has been very helpful to me. I decided to join!
Hi I'm just me (IJM),
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post and introduce yourself and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
AG
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post and introduce yourself and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
AG
Hi IJM!
Welcome!
OW
Welcome!
OW
Hi IJM, I wanted to make sure to add myself to your list of welcomes. That would be odd if I didn't since we share such a similar name.
JM
JM
Hi IJM
It's always nice to get to know someone new. Hope you keep posting.
PL
It's always nice to get to know someone new. Hope you keep posting.
PL
Hi IJM,
Glad to have you on board! Welcome to the forum, please feel free to join in our discussions and hope you keep posting!
Hello guys...Just checking in right quick...I've been under the weather this week...headaches again...gotta go have more tests done next week...did not go to my session this week, and I really have missed it. I felt so bad Tuesday, (these headaches are terrible) but now I feel like my whole week is screwed up because I didn't go...gotta run...I should go lay down before I get dizzy again and sick on my stomach...
Yalk to you later, C
Glad to have you on board! Welcome to the forum, please feel free to join in our discussions and hope you keep posting!
Hello guys...Just checking in right quick...I've been under the weather this week...headaches again...gotta go have more tests done next week...did not go to my session this week, and I really have missed it. I felt so bad Tuesday, (these headaches are terrible) but now I feel like my whole week is screwed up because I didn't go...gotta run...I should go lay down before I get dizzy again and sick on my stomach...
Yalk to you later, C
BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...
Well guys - I told him and of course he didn't bat an eyelid!! I don't think I'd have felt bound to do it though if I hadn't spoken to you guys first. It really helps to have people around who do not think you are losing it!! If you haven't been through this stuff you really do not know what it's like. I don't even know if our T's know what it's like - the agony, the longing, the pain, the embarassemnt, the fear, the lying awake, the tears...sound familiar.
Anyway, I told him and told him how angry I am with him that he didn't warn me this was coming (ie all the attachment stuff) and that I felt I was operating with one and tied behind my back where he didn't. Turns out he didn't necessarily see it coming either and what I'm going through is 'rare' and 'courageous' and it's a question of holding my (our!)nerve.
Lady
Well guys - I told him and of course he didn't bat an eyelid!! I don't think I'd have felt bound to do it though if I hadn't spoken to you guys first. It really helps to have people around who do not think you are losing it!! If you haven't been through this stuff you really do not know what it's like. I don't even know if our T's know what it's like - the agony, the longing, the pain, the embarassemnt, the fear, the lying awake, the tears...sound familiar.
Anyway, I told him and told him how angry I am with him that he didn't warn me this was coming (ie all the attachment stuff) and that I felt I was operating with one and tied behind my back where he didn't. Turns out he didn't necessarily see it coming either and what I'm going through is 'rare' and 'courageous' and it's a question of holding my (our!)nerve.
Lady
Check this out guys - patterns in transference - I can identify with at least 4 of them!!
http://www.earley.org/Patterns/transference_and_countertransfer.htm
L
http://www.earley.org/Patterns/transference_and_countertransfer.htm
L
LOS,
That is so awesome you told your T! I'm glad that the support you got here helped you to do that, but be very proud of yourself. It's a terrifying thing to do and you were very brave to open up like that. And I'm really glad he responded so well. I love the way he described it "a question of holding my nerve" that's really perfect. And its good to hear from you!!
AG
That is so awesome you told your T! I'm glad that the support you got here helped you to do that, but be very proud of yourself. It's a terrifying thing to do and you were very brave to open up like that. And I'm really glad he responded so well. I love the way he described it "a question of holding my nerve" that's really perfect. And its good to hear from you!!
AG
Hello everyone! I'm new here, effective today. I have been googling 'transference' for weeks. I can barely stand myself with all of the obsessive thinking I've been doing, only to find out this is totally NORMAL! I can't thank all of you enough for all these posts, which I've been reading for hours and hours. I really thought I was losing my marbles.
I've been with my male therapist (age 39) for a year, I've had 27 visits, I'm a female age 33.
WOW do I have a crush. Huge, ridiculous. I'm now starting to experience thinking of him 20x a day, wondering if he likes certain songs/foods/locations. He's very married with 3 adorable children. He's never been inappropriate, ever.
The problem being is that we've never discussed transference, and I've done everything in my power to 'pretend' I'm not affected by him, or that I care or miss him or need him. I only have 4 sessions left (insurance) and I NEED to admit this, lay it on the table and unload. I'm so scared, I tried the past 3 sessions and we just had our normal chatty great time. I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.
SO, I'm going to write it. I've cut and pasted lots of good info to give me a base of what to say.
I guess my question here is....how do you bring it up? What do you say? Do any of you have anything pre-written that might help me fess up?
Thanks so much.
I've been with my male therapist (age 39) for a year, I've had 27 visits, I'm a female age 33.
WOW do I have a crush. Huge, ridiculous. I'm now starting to experience thinking of him 20x a day, wondering if he likes certain songs/foods/locations. He's very married with 3 adorable children. He's never been inappropriate, ever.
The problem being is that we've never discussed transference, and I've done everything in my power to 'pretend' I'm not affected by him, or that I care or miss him or need him. I only have 4 sessions left (insurance) and I NEED to admit this, lay it on the table and unload. I'm so scared, I tried the past 3 sessions and we just had our normal chatty great time. I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.
SO, I'm going to write it. I've cut and pasted lots of good info to give me a base of what to say.
I guess my question here is....how do you bring it up? What do you say? Do any of you have anything pre-written that might help me fess up?
Thanks so much.
quote:I really thought I was losing my marbles.
traveluvr
Welcome to the "lost marbles" club.
Just keep in mind, that everything you have just said rings true for me and probably most everybody else here. Finding out that this is normal was a big epiphany for me too.Writing it out was a huge help for me, as it gave me time to really think of what I wanted to say, and how to say it. And yes, I was shaking like a leaf when I told her. Seriously though, your T has probably been waiting for you to bring this up, and if he is a good T, he will accept it and help you to understand it. For me, it took a gigantic weight off my shoulders. Although, I'm real good at adding more stuff to weigh me down.
I'm glad you joined us, and I look forward to more posts from you. Let us know how it is going.
PL
Hi travelluvr! Welcome to the forum.
Chicken that I am I couldn't simply blurt out my feelings for my T out of the blue and then just sit there waiting for her reaction. For me, I find it easier to bring up something I have trouble talking about if I have an angle. Like you, I spent a lot of time trying to find out if other people were as infatuated with their T's as I am and I came across ShrinkLady's article and this forum which gave me an actual technical term for what I was feeling: "transference." Until I had that word I had no idea that it was so common and that a lot T's know how to work with it in ways that will help the work happen. So, now I had my angle and in my next session I brought up the whole thing by simply, innocently asking her what transference was? Of course, like most red-blooded T's she had to ask me first why I was asking and what I knew about it already. For me, being able to use a technical term to help me contain my intense personal feelings removed me just enough that I was able to talk about it. Kind of like talking about yourself in 3rd person. That really, really helps me get stuff out. I have even used "hypothetical situations" to get stuff out there. You can also start off small - no need to throw the whole enchilada out there all at once. Admit to something less threatening first and work your way up to the harder stuff. I guess it depends on whether or not you are a dive right in the pool kind of person or more the take one step at a time so you can acclimate to the cold water bit by bit. I am definitely more of the second kind of person.
Chicken that I am I couldn't simply blurt out my feelings for my T out of the blue and then just sit there waiting for her reaction. For me, I find it easier to bring up something I have trouble talking about if I have an angle. Like you, I spent a lot of time trying to find out if other people were as infatuated with their T's as I am and I came across ShrinkLady's article and this forum which gave me an actual technical term for what I was feeling: "transference." Until I had that word I had no idea that it was so common and that a lot T's know how to work with it in ways that will help the work happen. So, now I had my angle and in my next session I brought up the whole thing by simply, innocently asking her what transference was? Of course, like most red-blooded T's she had to ask me first why I was asking and what I knew about it already. For me, being able to use a technical term to help me contain my intense personal feelings removed me just enough that I was able to talk about it. Kind of like talking about yourself in 3rd person. That really, really helps me get stuff out. I have even used "hypothetical situations" to get stuff out there. You can also start off small - no need to throw the whole enchilada out there all at once. Admit to something less threatening first and work your way up to the harder stuff. I guess it depends on whether or not you are a dive right in the pool kind of person or more the take one step at a time so you can acclimate to the cold water bit by bit. I am definitely more of the second kind of person.
Welcome travelluvr. I can totally understand how you feel and how difficult and scary it is to bring up transference with your T. I had transference feelings for my T for around 8 months before I found the courage to talk to him about it. Actually, I was kind of forced to address it because I caught on that he was getting suspicious about my feelings for him. I had written a poem that I read to him that I felt was about my therapy journey but he took it as something more personal/romantic. This caused him to pull away from me and that upset me and I was afraid I ruined the relationship or that he would want to terminate me. And so I decided to confront him about it.
I brought it up by saying that there was an elephant in the room with us and if we don't talk about it then I would have to start bringing peanuts to feed him And my T said he didn't know there was an elephant and I said...he is very quiet but he's been here a long time. Then he said "well tell me about him" and I just said that I had been reading about transference and that I understood there were all different kinds, including negative transference. And I needed to tell him that I had feelings for him that were sometimes parental and sometimes very warm and affectionate (I chickened out on the word LOVE but I think he caught the idea LOL). And it turns out that I actually knew more than he did about erotic transference and I ended up lending him my book In Session by Deborah Lott (which I recommend you read to help you understand more about it). And so we talked about how I wanted to address this because I didn't want my unspoken feelings to cloud our therapy or cause it to breakdown in any way. I also assured him that I could contain my feelings and that I needed him to be my therapist more than I needed him to be anything else in my life and so I had no "agenda" to get him. And this was true. I need him as my T and this also allowed me to tell him how I feel and be honest without sounding like I was ready to seduce him. We talked about transference once or twice after that. Turns out I was his first case of transference and he got defensive because he was unprepared or because he just didn't know how to handle it. He has been pretty good about it since then. What happened is that we realized that aside from the transference feelings...he became my attachment figure and my secure base. I have an unsecure attachment from childhood and somehow because of the care and understanding that he provided me he became the caregiver I never had. So we have been focused more on his role as my secure base more than my transference.
If you are feeling uneasy about just talking about it you could write something down and then just go in and read it to him. Do it immediately when you walk in the door. Tell him you have something to discuss that is very difficult for you and you are afraid and need his help and understanding. The other option is to email him (if this is allowed) and give him a heads up and tell HIM to bring up the topic when you get there.
I wish you the best with this. It takes courage and strength to address this but if your T is a good one he will be able to handle it with kindness and empathy. I do think it's important that you do this soon as you don't have very many session left to process this. Is there any possibility that he could get your insurance company to grant you more sessions?
In any event, we are here to help and support you through this. This is a wonderful place to come for comfort and information. I'm glad that you found it.
True North
I brought it up by saying that there was an elephant in the room with us and if we don't talk about it then I would have to start bringing peanuts to feed him
And my T said he didn't know there was an elephant and I said...he is very quiet but he's been here a long time. Then he said "well tell me about him" and I just said that I had been reading about transference and that I understood there were all different kinds, including negative transference. And I needed to tell him that I had feelings for him that were sometimes parental and sometimes very warm and affectionate (I chickened out on the word LOVE but I think he caught the idea LOL). And it turns out that I actually knew more than he did about erotic transference and I ended up lending him my book In Session by Deborah Lott (which I recommend you read to help you understand more about it). And so we talked about how I wanted to address this because I didn't want my unspoken feelings to cloud our therapy or cause it to breakdown in any way. I also assured him that I could contain my feelings and that I needed him to be my therapist more than I needed him to be anything else in my life and so I had no "agenda" to get him. And this was true. I need him as my T and this also allowed me to tell him how I feel and be honest without sounding like I was ready to seduce him. We talked about transference once or twice after that. Turns out I was his first case of transference and he got defensive because he was unprepared or because he just didn't know how to handle it. He has been pretty good about it since then. What happened is that we realized that aside from the transference feelings...he became my attachment figure and my secure base. I have an unsecure attachment from childhood and somehow because of the care and understanding that he provided me he became the caregiver I never had. So we have been focused more on his role as my secure base more than my transference.If you are feeling uneasy about just talking about it you could write something down and then just go in and read it to him. Do it immediately when you walk in the door. Tell him you have something to discuss that is very difficult for you and you are afraid and need his help and understanding. The other option is to email him (if this is allowed) and give him a heads up and tell HIM to bring up the topic when you get there.
I wish you the best with this. It takes courage and strength to address this but if your T is a good one he will be able to handle it with kindness and empathy. I do think it's important that you do this soon as you don't have very many session left to process this. Is there any possibility that he could get your insurance company to grant you more sessions?
In any event, we are here to help and support you through this. This is a wonderful place to come for comfort and information. I'm glad that you found it.
True North