SprintingGal,
That sounds really rough. But I think you handled it really well by just going on by. I know that must have been incredibly hard but in the long run probably less painful (although I'm definitely talking in a relative sense.)
And yes, it is like a crush on a celebrity because you don't know him, but when's the last time a celebrity cared for you while fighting off a life-threatening disease? I think its trivializing your feelings to just reduce it to that. You interacted with him extensively and from what you've shared in the past, he wasn't exactly stoical. I just don't want you thinking that you're somehow overreacting or being over the top.
I am sorry though, I know how unsettling I would have found that. I'm glad you came here.
AG
quote:Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
SprintingGal,
That sounds really rough. But I think you handled it really well by just going on by. I know that must have been incredibly hard but in the long run probably less painful (although I'm definitely talking in a relative sense.)
And yes, it is like a crush on a celebrity because you don't know him, but when's the last time a celebrity cared for you while fighting off a life-threatening disease? I think its trivializing your feelings to just reduce it to that. You interacted with him extensively and from what you've shared in the past, he wasn't exactly stoical. I just don't want you thinking that you're somehow overreacting or being over the top.
I am sorry though, I know how unsettling I would have found that. I'm glad you came here.
AG
I believe my T wants to "reprogram" me to think of him in that way in order to reduce my angst but I think it is an over-simplification. At this point I don't believe that Cognitive-Behavioral therapy can help me with this.
You are exactly right, he was not stoic about much of it, and when he put that solemn face on when we saw each other, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was his doctor act and it infuriated me! I want to say, "Dr. X, it is ME. I know it's an act so it doesn't work on me anymore. Aren't we past all that?" I thought I was special to him and then suddenly I wasn't.
I have always fantasized about running into him out in the world. Though I had that fantasy, I never considered the complications of it. I felt naked and he felt like a complete stranger. For the first time I felt the power imbalance; I have been uncharacteristically forthcoming to him about all of the emotions I have felt about my illness. I usually say nothing! The fact that this intimacy is one-sided, that I essentially know nothing about him became all too clear. Here is this stranger, "out in the world," who knows all about me. It honestly makes me nauseous and in fact, I have not eaten much since I saw him. I just have no appetite!
I want to say that it shattered the transference as the reality of the situation has become clearer to me. I do not know him. I know nothing about him. He could be anyone and capable of anything. He has all of this private information about me and I don't like it. I feel that if I don't believe I know him, I can't trust him with that information and I can't trust him to keep me well. I would have never revealed all that I revealed to him if he had not let down his guard with me, no question.
Okay, I'm rambling now...
SprintingGal... I understand how you are feeling to some extent... here is this guy walking down the street who knows so much about your inner feelings and this is scary. That makes you feel vulnerable and that is also what makes you feel so uncomfortable. But your doctor is bound by confidentiality so, unless he is totally without ethics, I believe your information is safe.
I actually had this discussion with my T a few weeks ago. I asked him what he would do if he ran into me (or me and my family) out on the street or in a restaurant. He told me he would not say hello or acknowledge me. I pretty much figured that would be his answer. And I understand he would behave that way to protect me and the confidentiality of the situation. I smiled though and I told him that I would definitely say hello and exchange pleasantries with him. Just wanted to "warn" him LOL.
And yes, this doctor/patient relationship is very one sided and I have come to accept that it needs to be this way for our own good. I will tell you that even though I would say hello to my T it would not leave me unaffected. Especially if he were with his family. That would defiitely bother me and leave me reeling with the fact that he has this other life that I cannot know about or be part of.
So I do think your reactions are pretty normal and you did not really over react. I'm sorry you had to suffer with this incident.
TN
I actually had this discussion with my T a few weeks ago. I asked him what he would do if he ran into me (or me and my family) out on the street or in a restaurant. He told me he would not say hello or acknowledge me. I pretty much figured that would be his answer. And I understand he would behave that way to protect me and the confidentiality of the situation. I smiled though and I told him that I would definitely say hello and exchange pleasantries with him. Just wanted to "warn" him LOL.
And yes, this doctor/patient relationship is very one sided and I have come to accept that it needs to be this way for our own good. I will tell you that even though I would say hello to my T it would not leave me unaffected. Especially if he were with his family. That would defiitely bother me and leave me reeling with the fact that he has this other life that I cannot know about or be part of.
So I do think your reactions are pretty normal and you did not really over react. I'm sorry you had to suffer with this incident.
TN
I am not fearful of him literally breaking confidentiality. It is a little more abstract than that.
I am trying to take responsibility for my own projections here, I really am. HOWEVER, it is a fact that he has blurred the boundaries between us already. While nothing patently improper has happened, I believe it is impossible to go back. He cannot act like he is present and sincerely cares about me one time, then detached and icy the next and expect me to not feel confused, vulnerable, or threatened. There is no consistency so I, in fact, do not "know" who I am dealing with! Am I dealing with a detached doctor who is trying to cure my illness or an emotionally engaged man who wants to save me?
Geez, this is more complicated than I initially realized. I thought it was all me and now I don't believe that.
I am trying to take responsibility for my own projections here, I really am. HOWEVER, it is a fact that he has blurred the boundaries between us already. While nothing patently improper has happened, I believe it is impossible to go back. He cannot act like he is present and sincerely cares about me one time, then detached and icy the next and expect me to not feel confused, vulnerable, or threatened. There is no consistency so I, in fact, do not "know" who I am dealing with! Am I dealing with a detached doctor who is trying to cure my illness or an emotionally engaged man who wants to save me?
Geez, this is more complicated than I initially realized. I thought it was all me and now I don't believe that.
Wow, I wonder how I would react if I saw my T out in public? I often have the possiblity of it running in the back of my mind even though we live an hour apart and it is highly unlikely. I always thought that if I noticed her at a distance I would stay back and respect her privacy. If we made eye contact I would definitely smile and say hello but not approach her. The thought of it actually happening would frighten me. And if she didn't at least say hello back I would be upset. Afterall I'm not going to see her at some restaurant and invite myself to dine with her or introduce myself to her family. I think a casual greeting would be polite depending on the circumstance.
Oddly enough, I happened to arrive at the parking structure at about the same time she did just before one of my appointments and seen her getting out of her car and I wouldn't even park next to her. I got out of my car and tried to walk a few steps behind her thinking she probably didn't know I was there. She slowed down looking for something in her purse so I finally made a remark so that she would know I was coming up behind her and wouldn't startle her. We talked as we walked along the sidewalk to the office but I felt a little intrusive eventhough I know I wasn't. But at least I was on my way to an appointment with her and not just taken by surprise. The way you describe it would be very awkward. I understand why you would want to run away.
I wonder if you should talk to him the next time you see him professionally. I can't remember if you said you were finished seeing him or not. He should know that avoiding what happened with the boundaries is not productive, but he may also be afraid of your expectations and does not want to risk hurting or disappointing you. I don't know that I am right on this, but I can sympathize with your mixed emotions.
(((SprintingGal)))
Oddly enough, I happened to arrive at the parking structure at about the same time she did just before one of my appointments and seen her getting out of her car and I wouldn't even park next to her. I got out of my car and tried to walk a few steps behind her thinking she probably didn't know I was there. She slowed down looking for something in her purse so I finally made a remark so that she would know I was coming up behind her and wouldn't startle her. We talked as we walked along the sidewalk to the office but I felt a little intrusive eventhough I know I wasn't. But at least I was on my way to an appointment with her and not just taken by surprise. The way you describe it would be very awkward. I understand why you would want to run away.
quote:it is a fact that he has blurred the boundaries between us already. While nothing patently improper has happened, I believe it is impossible to go back. He cannot act like he is present and sincerely cares about me one time, then detached and icy the next and expect me to not feel confused, vulnerable, or threatened. There is no consistency so I, in fact, do not "know" who I am dealing with! Am I dealing with a detached doctor who is trying to cure my illness or an emotionally engaged man who wants to save me?
I wonder if you should talk to him the next time you see him professionally. I can't remember if you said you were finished seeing him or not. He should know that avoiding what happened with the boundaries is not productive, but he may also be afraid of your expectations and does not want to risk hurting or disappointing you. I don't know that I am right on this, but I can sympathize with your mixed emotions.
(((SprintingGal)))
Hi I'm new I'm having problems that I think may be transference. I wish that my therapist was my mum. I'm a young person and I think this may have something to do with it. Can anyone explain this. After reading about what happened to Charlotte i don't think i should tell my therapist.
Hi Emerald, welcome to the forum. 
Wishing your therapist was your mother is common around here as I am sure you have realized in your reading this thread. It is nothing to feel ashamed about and it is a very natural occurance in therapy given its unique setting. So I hope first off all that you feel assured of that.
What happened with Charlotte is not a typical therapist reaction to what is simply labled transference. All and all, despite her tremendously difficult experience, her T handled her peticular situation in a very appropriate manner and I believe that she would tell you that herself, but it was certainly painful nonetheless and I understand your worries as far as that goes. It is a client's worse nightmare to feel rejected and abandoned by their therapist especially after disclosing such personal and sometimes humiliating feelings.
There is so much to be said about transference it's impossible to know where to start w/o knowing what you are already aware of and what sort of questions you have. I assume you have already read Shrinklady's page on transference on her website? If not that is a good place to start. Otherwise I could write novel about stuff you already know when you might in fact have a more direct question. And I don't want to do that to you.
I am 43 years old and I wish my T was my mom too. I really do. And I told her this and other transference feelings and she is ok with it. But this is something that YOU have to be ready to disclose and that is based on your trust and what you already know about your relationship with your T. I was in therapy for 3-4 months before I told my T what I was feeling and that is because it was tormenting me and I thought something was wrong with me. I confessed my feelings eventhough I was terrified she would terminate me. I even told her that and she assured me that would not happen. She was very gentle and understanding.
She also helped mme to undertsand that having transference feelings and trying to act on them are two different things. We can work through transference but if it becomes an obsession to act on then that is what becomes unworkable. And eventhoughit feels obsessive sometimes, I am not inclined to act it out. I hope that makes sense emerald.
Can I ask, how long have you been in therapy?
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask and to post all you need.
JM
Wishing your therapist was your mother is common around here as I am sure you have realized in your reading this thread. It is nothing to feel ashamed about and it is a very natural occurance in therapy given its unique setting. So I hope first off all that you feel assured of that.
What happened with Charlotte is not a typical therapist reaction to what is simply labled transference. All and all, despite her tremendously difficult experience, her T handled her peticular situation in a very appropriate manner and I believe that she would tell you that herself, but it was certainly painful nonetheless and I understand your worries as far as that goes. It is a client's worse nightmare to feel rejected and abandoned by their therapist especially after disclosing such personal and sometimes humiliating feelings.
There is so much to be said about transference it's impossible to know where to start w/o knowing what you are already aware of and what sort of questions you have. I assume you have already read Shrinklady's page on transference on her website? If not that is a good place to start. Otherwise I could write novel about stuff you already know when you might in fact have a more direct question. And I don't want to do that to you.
I am 43 years old and I wish my T was my mom too. I really do. And I told her this and other transference feelings and she is ok with it. But this is something that YOU have to be ready to disclose and that is based on your trust and what you already know about your relationship with your T. I was in therapy for 3-4 months before I told my T what I was feeling and that is because it was tormenting me and I thought something was wrong with me. I confessed my feelings eventhough I was terrified she would terminate me. I even told her that and she assured me that would not happen. She was very gentle and understanding.
She also helped mme to undertsand that having transference feelings and trying to act on them are two different things. We can work through transference but if it becomes an obsession to act on then that is what becomes unworkable. And eventhoughit feels obsessive sometimes, I am not inclined to act it out. I hope that makes sense emerald.
Can I ask, how long have you been in therapy?
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask and to post all you need.
JM
Hi Emerald,
I wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! I can certainly relate to how your feeling. I worked with my first therapist for a lot of years on and off and I went through a stage with her where I very intensely longed for her to be my mother. As I worked it through I came to realize that I saw in her qualities I would have loved for my mom to have had, but she didn't. It helped to recognize and mourn my losses.
Our relationships with our Ts are so close and intimate that they often stir up our feelings surrounding our unmet needs. This is where the work of therapy often gets done. It's healthy that your are wanting connection with her. And I understand your fear of discussing your feelings with her, but how you're feeling really isn't uncommon and it could really be helpful to discuss how you're feeling with her.
JM, very wisely, suggested reading Shrinklady's transference page. There's also a lot of good info in the transference threads Upate on Transference and reading from the beginning of this one.
We're glad you found this place and you introduced yourself. Let me echo JM, that we hope you feel free to share any feelings you want to talk about and ask any questions you want to.
AG
I wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! I can certainly relate to how your feeling. I worked with my first therapist for a lot of years on and off and I went through a stage with her where I very intensely longed for her to be my mother. As I worked it through I came to realize that I saw in her qualities I would have loved for my mom to have had, but she didn't. It helped to recognize and mourn my losses.
Our relationships with our Ts are so close and intimate that they often stir up our feelings surrounding our unmet needs. This is where the work of therapy often gets done. It's healthy that your are wanting connection with her. And I understand your fear of discussing your feelings with her, but how you're feeling really isn't uncommon and it could really be helpful to discuss how you're feeling with her.
JM, very wisely, suggested reading Shrinklady's transference page. There's also a lot of good info in the transference threads Upate on Transference and reading from the beginning of this one.
We're glad you found this place and you introduced yourself. Let me echo JM, that we hope you feel free to share any feelings you want to talk about and ask any questions you want to.
AG
Hello Everyone, I hope you all had good holidays...I hope that you are all doing good in the "transference" world...Haha...if that is possible...I actually had a good visit with my new Ms. T. today...I saw old Mr. T. and actually was able to say, "Hello, How were your holidays?" he even answered...fine and yours too I hope...I thought I would fall apart later, but was really proud of the fact that it didn't throw me for a loop...I am excited...I didn't think much about him thru the holidays...but have wondered what he got his wife, and vice versa...stupid I guess..but Rome wasn't built in a day...I also have another new shrink as well...I have only seen him 1 time...not sure at this point what I think of him...but I am keeping my guard up...i do not want round 2 of this thing...Talk to you guys later...Have a Happy New Year!..Charlotte
Hey Charlotte! It's nice to hear from you! I hope the holidays treated you ok. Sounds like you are getting along pretty good and I am glad to hear that things are working out between you and Ms. T. I am sure the other will take some time, but you are an amazingly strong woman. And I don't blame you for being on gaurd with the new T. But I admire your strength and determination. I am so glad you checked in to say hello.
JM
JM
Hi All, and Happy New Year,
Would having dreams about your therapist constitute transference? I suppose it would. Here's why I ask:
This week, my T asked if we could change the time of day of our appt from 6:30pm to 9:00am. I said fine, but it just meant that I'd have to get up pretty early to get there (he's a ways away from where I live).
The night before our meeting, I woke up with terrible anxiety, and once I finally got back to sleep, I had dreams all night of being late to the appointment, and I even dreamt of talking to him about it.
Yesterday in our session, we talked about it and established that I was actually angry and resentful that he asked me to change times because - basically - I felt he was putting his convenience before our relationship. Well, of course this was the case...this is exactly what I felt. And because I am trying to get from him what I never got from my father, well, I'm just a tad sensitive about it.
He then suggested that the fact that I got anxious about - and dreamt of - me being late instead dreaming that he would be late shows that, once again, I take things and turn them against myself. He said, "what about being pissed at me for changing appointment times and instead of rushing to get here, take your time and get here when you can. After all, I changed the time, you didn't."
Again, it comes down to me turning anger against myself instead of where it should be directed, and not standing up for myself...just like I've done my whole life with my father.
Thoughts?
BTW, thanks for all the wonderful support, everyone. This place has been a really, really valuable resource to me.
Russ
Would having dreams about your therapist constitute transference? I suppose it would. Here's why I ask:
This week, my T asked if we could change the time of day of our appt from 6:30pm to 9:00am. I said fine, but it just meant that I'd have to get up pretty early to get there (he's a ways away from where I live).
The night before our meeting, I woke up with terrible anxiety, and once I finally got back to sleep, I had dreams all night of being late to the appointment, and I even dreamt of talking to him about it.
Yesterday in our session, we talked about it and established that I was actually angry and resentful that he asked me to change times because - basically - I felt he was putting his convenience before our relationship. Well, of course this was the case...this is exactly what I felt. And because I am trying to get from him what I never got from my father, well, I'm just a tad sensitive about it.
He then suggested that the fact that I got anxious about - and dreamt of - me being late instead dreaming that he would be late shows that, once again, I take things and turn them against myself. He said, "what about being pissed at me for changing appointment times and instead of rushing to get here, take your time and get here when you can. After all, I changed the time, you didn't."
Again, it comes down to me turning anger against myself instead of where it should be directed, and not standing up for myself...just like I've done my whole life with my father.
Thoughts?
BTW, thanks for all the wonderful support, everyone. This place has been a really, really valuable resource to me.
Russ
quote:instead of rushing to get here, take your time and get here when you can
Just curious Russ, does this mean that your appt starts when you get there and goes for the full session time? Every minute I am late I pay for since we still end on time because she has another client waiting who doesn't want to go in late.
I wake up at 4am to get to work by 5:30. Even after two years of this schedule I still don't sleep very well because of the anticipation of having to get up so early and dream a lot about being late to work and missing my carpool.
I am glad you talked to your T about it, it does sound like the time change and how you internalized the feeling you had about it were definitely a replay of your past. Isn't it nice when this stuff happens and it directly relates to past experiences? It makes learning the new lesson and how to handle it that much easier.
quote:
Just curious Russ, does this mean that your appt starts when you get there and goes for the full session time? Every minute I am late I pay for since we still end on time because she has another client waiting who doesn't want to go in late.
River, this was kind of an unusual situation since it was yesterday (New Year's Eve). He had plenty of time after my appt. to make up if one of us was late. In fact, he ended up being 10 minutes late. But usually, he does have other people before/after me.
quote:
Isn't it nice when this stuff happens and it directly relates to past experiences? It makes learning the new lesson and how to handle it that much easier.
Absolutely!
Hi Thanks for the replies, im thinking of discussing that I have feelings of wanting her to be my mum. What is the best way to say this?
I think it is important to discuss it. When she talks about doing stuff with her duaghters i wish i was the daughter that she was doing things with.
I yearn for it. Is that wrong?
I started therapy with her about 3 and a half years ago and she is a psychotherapist i was really resistant to being close to her and still sometimes am worried about it.
transference is so confusing when your in the middle of it. I dont think its a bad thing just another thing to work thru.
I think it is important to discuss it. When she talks about doing stuff with her duaghters i wish i was the daughter that she was doing things with.
I yearn for it. Is that wrong?
I started therapy with her about 3 and a half years ago and she is a psychotherapist i was really resistant to being close to her and still sometimes am worried about it.
transference is so confusing when your in the middle of it. I dont think its a bad thing just another thing to work thru.
quote:I think it is important to discuss it. When she talks about doing stuff with her duaghters i wish i was the daughter that she was doing things with.
I yearn for it. Is that wrong?
Emerald, I don't think that's wrong at all. I think it's quite natural to have those feelings for our T's. And just so you know, I have told my T I have these feelings. That I wish I was her daughter, I wish I could be her "little" girl and sit on her lap. And she accepts these expressions just fine. Her acceptance feels so validating.
Once during session I was crying and I told her I wish she could hold me. She told me to imagine her holding me. To do so in her presence was quite different, but she accepted it and encouraged it.
I think we all resist getting close. It is our experience that closeness means danger. But with our T's we learn it means something safe and acceptable.
Perhaps the best way to say it is to express that you do not want to act on it, but that you have some feelings about her that you really need to discuss. Some of us have written letters and emails that we send to them before our sessions when we have something too troubling to say in person, but we know we need to express. Then when we go to our next session it’s already on the table.
I hope this helps.
Emerald,
I don't think its wrong at all to feel like you wish you were the daughter she was doing things with. I had some really strong reactions to my T's last vacation part of which was the frustration of knowing his family knew him in a way I couldn't and how much I longed to be part of a family like his (which I have a tendency to idealize, but my T certainly recognized where the longing was coming from.) I've talked to him about wanting to be two years old so I could climb up in his lap and experience a safe embrace, I've talked to him about romantic/erotic attractions and even recently, how much I regretted the boundaries because a discussion came up in a couples session with my husband about a subject I'm really interested in in which my T has done extensive reading (he's one of the most intellectually curious people I've ever met which I find extremely appealing in a person). I told him at our next session that as much as I am grateful for the boundaries and how much I understand how necessary they are to our work together, I just wanted to crack open a couple bottles of red wine and talk for a few hours. I have even told my T that I loved him (in a non-romantic sense). Every time I've expressed any of these emotions or longings he has been completely accepting and understanding of my feelings. Working through how I feel, what I long for and why has been a really important part of our work together.
These feelings are happening for a reason and are a sign of a healthy reaching out for relationship. Talking about it with your T would be a really good thing.
AG
I don't think its wrong at all to feel like you wish you were the daughter she was doing things with. I had some really strong reactions to my T's last vacation part of which was the frustration of knowing his family knew him in a way I couldn't and how much I longed to be part of a family like his (which I have a tendency to idealize, but my T certainly recognized where the longing was coming from.) I've talked to him about wanting to be two years old so I could climb up in his lap and experience a safe embrace, I've talked to him about romantic/erotic attractions and even recently, how much I regretted the boundaries because a discussion came up in a couples session with my husband about a subject I'm really interested in in which my T has done extensive reading (he's one of the most intellectually curious people I've ever met which I find extremely appealing in a person). I told him at our next session that as much as I am grateful for the boundaries and how much I understand how necessary they are to our work together, I just wanted to crack open a couple bottles of red wine and talk for a few hours. I have even told my T that I loved him (in a non-romantic sense). Every time I've expressed any of these emotions or longings he has been completely accepting and understanding of my feelings. Working through how I feel, what I long for and why has been a really important part of our work together.
These feelings are happening for a reason and are a sign of a healthy reaching out for relationship. Talking about it with your T would be a really good thing.
AG
Hey everyone, Charlotte here with some issues at hand this week. First I would like to thank Russ for sharing his session. it opened up a new view to some things I have been tossing around.I have therapy every Tuesday with Ms. T...(for those of you that don't know me, I have transference feelings for my old Mr. T...but he referred me to the new woman in his office so he could work with me from the sidelines...she discusses all our sessions with him and he does not see me...he speaks in the office but that is the extent...I really fell hard when he told me he couldn't work with me anymore...i just about went over the edge...He is a great doctor...and so kind and gentle) but alot of support came from this site...especially Just Me & Attachment Girl...who have great words of wisdom BTW...listen carefully when the tell you anything....but anyway all that to say this; I thought I was doing really good the last few weeks...back on course...not dwelling on Mr. T...somewhat dieting, exercising, and getting it together...then BAM!! Problem #1; My husband and I have been having problems for the last year (which started this whole mess with Mr. T) ..Well NYear's night, we were intimate. At least I thought I was, he was somewhere else...it was almost a chore it seemed for him...I got so uptight, I couldn't sleep or eat...and haven't done either since then...and now Mr. T is in my every thought and activity...I have called his office several times after hours just to hear his voice...I have my new Ms. T's personal cell #, but I refuse to call it..WHY???...I called her last time something like this happened, and she calmed me right down...but this time, I don't want her to call and let her calm me down...I want to be in this situation....It is getting the best of me...I'm tired, I'm ill, I have a killer headache...and I just don't give a ____!!...Somebody out there tell me what I need to do...I can't seem to do it on my own...they are both Psych-neurologist's that have been helping me with some brain injury issues.... Now Problem # 2; (it never ends!) Mr. T referred me to a regular shrink for medication purposes, etc...I'll call him Mr. T2...Well at our 1st visit last week...Mr. T2 tells me that transference is not an uncommon problem you all know that story....and that Mr. T did the most professional thing possible by referring me to a female T. to help him...yadayadayada. then after listening to me..he tells m that he thinks this stems from when I was 2 years old and my biological mom left us standing on the front porch with my dad (4 girls; 2,4,6,7 yrs old) for alcohol and pills...and that I had been carrying around this feeling of abandonment towards her my whole life...okay I thought it was about me and my husband's problems...so now i'm confused?? well that wasn't good enough...My biological mom calls me and ask's can she spend the night at my house the Friday after Christmas...we always have our Christmas with my sisters and her the Saturday afterwards...She has never spent the night with me...hardly been to my house in the 30 years i been married...and doesn't even acknowledge my children's birthdays...etc...she was an alcholic and had a nervous breakdown when she left us...well, she came...it was so weird..I had alot of resentment towards her...but was it legit or just because Mr. T2 suggested it??...I really tried to make it special for her because she had never done this before...she is 78 and can't drive he distance...celebrate...and drive back the same day like she usually does...it's too much for her...but she has always stayed somewhere else at a cousins or something...Why now...I am afraid she might be dying...it was so weird...but I was so glad when she was headed back to her home..(2 hours away)...I literally laid down that Saturday evening about 6:00pm...and could not even focus...or eat...or hardly get to the bathroom and back...and I did not get up out of the bed until Monday!!!!...and I SLEPT THE ENTIRE TIME!!! I never sleep more than 4 hours a night...if that much...I'm sorry I wrote you all a book...but I am stressing my brain into a Coma...I have cleaned every closet in my house...took all the pictures down washed the walls...packed up all the stuff i could take to goodwill...consignments..took back returnsfrom Christmas...shopped until i dropped...(then I take it all back the next day)...I am ready to go back to work Monday...not really 
..good news though...I've lost 10.5 pounds since Christmas day...Help me out guys.
Thanks, Charlotte
..good news though...I've lost 10.5 pounds since Christmas day...Help me out guys. Thanks, Charlotte
PS Guys...to top it all off...I have really been thinnking all day about how sexy and good looking my new unmarried Mr. T2 is!! Oh God...I'm such a loser!!!I can't take a double dose of transference....it will kill me......help...I'm so $*@(!(#(#!)() Stupid!!...What am I gonna do...Well Happy New Year to Charlotte!!!!
Charlotte-I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. It sounds like your emotions and nervous system are clambering all over. You’re going through a great deal of stress and I’m glad you came around for support. You are such a fighter! I can see that all of your issues that you mention seem singular in of themselves, yet they are also quite connected I think, as Mr. T 2 pointed out in regards to abandonment issues and transference. What happened to you in your childhood has continued to affect you in your everyday life and relationships.
1) What you are experiencing with your husband are serious relationship issues that he needs to be willing to work out too and you are not responsible for his short-comings. That is no reflection on you although I am sure it feels like it is. His not being there for you emotionally especially during intimacy is abandonment and that triggers unseen and very powerful feelings in you. Of course you are going to resort back to the feelings of security and care that Mr T offered you in your devastatingly short relationship. That’s not wrong nor is it a problem; it is actually useful to identify the heart of what you are feeling emotionally, and what you need and what you long for. Don’t stuff it, but talk to Ms T about it.
Which leads me to say; CALL HER! She is there for you and has given you a direct personal line for you to reach out to her. Your mom never did that. Somehow you believe that you have to stay in the misery and chaos. That this is where you belong in this world. But that’s not true Charlotte. You’re stuck and that’s where you brazenly and so honestly admit you want to be, because you don’t know anything else and you’re afraid of anything else. You’re afraid that Ms. T is going to abandon you too and you’re not willing to let her hurt you that way. But yet you know she won’t abandon you. You are cognitively aware that she is different. The problem is what you sense and experience about abandonment and what you experience and what you know about Ms. T are taking place in different parts of the brain. Eventually as you test your relationship with her, you will experience that she is different and your response to her will become just as it needs to be. (I hope this makes sense)
2) Your mom shows up in the midst of all this is certainly going to trigger some old stuff because you are processing it deep inside whether you are aware of it or not. If there was any suggestibility from your T it is only because it was already going on inside anyway. BTW: The therapeutic relationship is a highly suggestible arena. That’s why it works.
Your resentment is well founded but is also a barrier to the deeper emotions, the hurt and grief that you need to access that her abandoning you has created. You felt the resentment because it was safer than the pain and you were able to stuff that easier as you had to “take care” of your mom and make her visit special. BTW: That is a beautiful gesture you made for her. But now it’s time to give back to Charlotte. After all that you probably felt honored that she stayed with you and spent time with you and your family. That was probably very hard to let go of and watch her leave again, yet I am sure it was also a relief when she did. You have a lot to process here Charlotte. But take it slow, it will all come out eventually.
You’re afraid she might be dying because she is 78 years old _and_ you have so many unresolved issues with her. I am sure as you watched her leave you may have wondered if that was the last time you might see her. My dad is 83 and I think about that every time I say good-bye.
So it sounds like you’ve been run through the mill again Charlotte. I really wish I could help more. But one last thing, the most important thing I want to say again because it bears repeating: CALL Ms. T! And again, I am glad you came here for support and using your resources like you are. You are doing good. It’s time to slow down though. This is the biggest concern I have for you right now. You have a lot going on and I am sure that your brain injury makes it difficult for your nervous system to self-regulate, so it is going to require effort to learn how to do that.
Here's a link to one of Shrinklady's amazingly helpful pages:
Nature's Self Regulation
Please stay in touch!
JM
1) What you are experiencing with your husband are serious relationship issues that he needs to be willing to work out too and you are not responsible for his short-comings. That is no reflection on you although I am sure it feels like it is. His not being there for you emotionally especially during intimacy is abandonment and that triggers unseen and very powerful feelings in you. Of course you are going to resort back to the feelings of security and care that Mr T offered you in your devastatingly short relationship. That’s not wrong nor is it a problem; it is actually useful to identify the heart of what you are feeling emotionally, and what you need and what you long for. Don’t stuff it, but talk to Ms T about it.
Which leads me to say; CALL HER! She is there for you and has given you a direct personal line for you to reach out to her. Your mom never did that. Somehow you believe that you have to stay in the misery and chaos. That this is where you belong in this world. But that’s not true Charlotte. You’re stuck and that’s where you brazenly and so honestly admit you want to be, because you don’t know anything else and you’re afraid of anything else. You’re afraid that Ms. T is going to abandon you too and you’re not willing to let her hurt you that way. But yet you know she won’t abandon you. You are cognitively aware that she is different. The problem is what you sense and experience about abandonment and what you experience and what you know about Ms. T are taking place in different parts of the brain. Eventually as you test your relationship with her, you will experience that she is different and your response to her will become just as it needs to be. (I hope this makes sense)
2) Your mom shows up in the midst of all this is certainly going to trigger some old stuff because you are processing it deep inside whether you are aware of it or not. If there was any suggestibility from your T it is only because it was already going on inside anyway. BTW: The therapeutic relationship is a highly suggestible arena. That’s why it works.
Your resentment is well founded but is also a barrier to the deeper emotions, the hurt and grief that you need to access that her abandoning you has created. You felt the resentment because it was safer than the pain and you were able to stuff that easier as you had to “take care” of your mom and make her visit special. BTW: That is a beautiful gesture you made for her. But now it’s time to give back to Charlotte. After all that you probably felt honored that she stayed with you and spent time with you and your family. That was probably very hard to let go of and watch her leave again, yet I am sure it was also a relief when she did. You have a lot to process here Charlotte. But take it slow, it will all come out eventually.
You’re afraid she might be dying because she is 78 years old _and_ you have so many unresolved issues with her. I am sure as you watched her leave you may have wondered if that was the last time you might see her. My dad is 83 and I think about that every time I say good-bye.
So it sounds like you’ve been run through the mill again Charlotte. I really wish I could help more. But one last thing, the most important thing I want to say again because it bears repeating: CALL Ms. T! And again, I am glad you came here for support and using your resources like you are. You are doing good. It’s time to slow down though. This is the biggest concern I have for you right now. You have a lot going on and I am sure that your brain injury makes it difficult for your nervous system to self-regulate, so it is going to require effort to learn how to do that.
Here's a link to one of Shrinklady's amazingly helpful pages:
Nature's Self Regulation
Please stay in touch!
JM
Hi Charlotte,
I don't think you're $*@(!(#(#!)() stupid. I think you're going through a really rough time and your new Mr. T2 is showing your real kindness. If I were you I'd want to soak up as much of that as I could.
I've been reading a lot about transference and have learned that it can be very healing if managed properly. My transference happened with a female and there's no danger of me going that way so it's a bit harder for me to relate exactly what you're going through but I think the feelings are similar enough that I can try.
I've been having trouble with my husband through the years but this year has been especially bad. I felt like he abandoned me emotionally when I needed him the most. Not only did he abandon me, he put all the blame on me for everything that was going wrong with our lives. I turned to my son's T for support because I wasn't getting it anywhere else and I desperately needed it. She was there for me in ways no one had ever really been, not my parents, not my friends, not my brother or sister. She filled that hole that had been empty for as long as I can remember. So while it didn't really have to do with my husband and and my feelings for him, it did. I am never going to leave him for her, but it has helped me recognize some of what is missing in our relationship. Now that I recognize it, maybe I can do something about it.
Just Me is right, I really hope you can call your T and talk to her about all of this. Sometimes we get so used to living in emotional turmoil, we feel comfortable there, at least we know what to expect.
I didn't want to talk to my new T about my son's T because I knew what she would say, and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to live in my fantasy world of my son's T becoming my friend and making everything all right, even though that also came with the painful thoughts that it wasn't going to happen and unrequited transference and all that, at least the hope was still alive. I'm not sure if that's why you don't want to talk to Ms. T, or because you are comfortable with the turmoil. Either way I've been there. Like Just Me said, she's offered you the opportunity to reach out, and I think you should do it. Lean on her as much as possible.
It seems like when it rains it pours, doesn't it? After your visit from your mom, I'm not surprised you had to get some much-needed rest.
There's a post going on about having so many things to talk about in therapy that some of us don't even want to go because there's too much to say and not enought time.
I think it fits here as well. You've got a lot going on and concentrating on it all seems so overwhelming. Try to process one issue at a time. (Easier said than done, believe me I know!)
I hope things calm down for you. Keep us posted.
OW
I don't think you're $*@(!(#(#!)() stupid. I think you're going through a really rough time and your new Mr. T2 is showing your real kindness. If I were you I'd want to soak up as much of that as I could.
I've been reading a lot about transference and have learned that it can be very healing if managed properly. My transference happened with a female and there's no danger of me going that way so it's a bit harder for me to relate exactly what you're going through but I think the feelings are similar enough that I can try.
I've been having trouble with my husband through the years but this year has been especially bad. I felt like he abandoned me emotionally when I needed him the most. Not only did he abandon me, he put all the blame on me for everything that was going wrong with our lives. I turned to my son's T for support because I wasn't getting it anywhere else and I desperately needed it. She was there for me in ways no one had ever really been, not my parents, not my friends, not my brother or sister. She filled that hole that had been empty for as long as I can remember. So while it didn't really have to do with my husband and and my feelings for him, it did. I am never going to leave him for her, but it has helped me recognize some of what is missing in our relationship. Now that I recognize it, maybe I can do something about it.
Just Me is right, I really hope you can call your T and talk to her about all of this. Sometimes we get so used to living in emotional turmoil, we feel comfortable there, at least we know what to expect.
I didn't want to talk to my new T about my son's T because I knew what she would say, and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to live in my fantasy world of my son's T becoming my friend and making everything all right, even though that also came with the painful thoughts that it wasn't going to happen and unrequited transference and all that, at least the hope was still alive. I'm not sure if that's why you don't want to talk to Ms. T, or because you are comfortable with the turmoil. Either way I've been there. Like Just Me said, she's offered you the opportunity to reach out, and I think you should do it. Lean on her as much as possible.
It seems like when it rains it pours, doesn't it? After your visit from your mom, I'm not surprised you had to get some much-needed rest.
There's a post going on about having so many things to talk about in therapy that some of us don't even want to go because there's too much to say and not enought time.
quote:Quote from Shrinklady's Titration page
quote:
Some clients arrive at the therapist's office anxious to discuss a long list of topics. If this describes you, I'd encourage you to consider a smaller list.
It's usually far more effective to explore one topic than it is to rush through many. The value of therapy is less in making sure your therapist knows all the details than it is in experiencing parts of your story with your therapist.
I think it fits here as well. You've got a lot going on and concentrating on it all seems so overwhelming. Try to process one issue at a time. (Easier said than done, believe me I know!)
I hope things calm down for you. Keep us posted.
OW