AJB,
I don't know where to start. I see so many crossfires and angles but I can't be certain I have the full disclosure on this. I mean I hear what you are saying about not having this sort of relationship with your T and I can go two ways:
1)Your T is very good at holding back and allowing you to project everything onto him and thereby force you to see and speak to your needs. OR
2) He is not attuned to you and perhaps you need to find a different T who will respond the way you need him/her to. It doesn't always work on the first try.
You need to feel heard.

I hear you still battering a lot of self blame and that tells me you're not done with therapy and
1) Your T knows that too and he is waiting for you to see the need yourself, because you're not going to beleive him that you need therapy. So he may have seemd to coldly let you walk away, but sometimes that is the quickest way to get someone's attention. OR
2) He is not attuned to you.

And maybe he didn't say "Have a nice life" because he knew you'd be back when you were ready. OR....
(I think you get the picture)

As for referring anyone you know to your T...while it is a fabulous gesture to recommend your T I have one rule for myslef because of the feelings you aptly descibed as did someone else a little while ago....
...... I don't share my T with anyone!!!! Not my husband, not my children, not my friends, and certainly NOT my FOO!

AJB,You are not a crazy person, but I understand the feeling that way. And if you are "needy" doesn't that mean you NEED something? You need to get your needs met.

Keep venting though! We need that sometimes.

quote:

i am acting like such a cry baby today i know. and i AM crying, believe me. it hurts so much! i don't even know what hurts!! something just does.

Following the staements you made previously I understand why you are crying, but I think your next statement hits the nail head on...

quote:

a collegue of mine saw him today (per my suggestion) and i am so freaking jealous and upset!!!

She has what you want. (((AJB)))
JM

"Your T is very good at holding back and allowing you to project everything onto him and thereby force you to see and speak to your needs" quote from JUST ME


he once told me (when i was having a slight fit in his office and said "ain't i supposed to be able to tell you anything?!!!):

"yes you are. and i'm supposed to mirror you and allow you to hear how and what you're saying"...

he said it so calmly like i wasn't sitting there having a come-apart!!!

so, does this meann that perhaps he DOES know what he is doing? i mean, i just really don't know. and how could a good therapist just let me walk away knowing i'm not done yet? what if i didn't go back? or what if that's not what happened and i DO go back? that would be awful too....

AJB.. I hear you and I feel your pain. Like JM wisely said... I don't think you are really finished with therapy. Did you and your T have "termination" sessions which made sure you were prepared to terminate and in a good place? Or did you just spring it on him and say today is my last session? Most T's won't ask you to stay because I think it's a conflict of interest. One could say they are doing it to just keep your business. Oh, I have threatened not to return and then I do and my T says "so glad you decided to return" but he will never tell me I need to continue or to ask me to please not end therapy because of this or that....

I do think you still have work to do and you need to see your therapist. You are telling us this in your posts. And to have a need is not a terrible thing. It's human nature. And you probably did not have your needs met as a child and feel ashamed of having them now. But please don't feel that way. My T is trying to get me to acknowledge my needs and to learn to ASK for what I need without feeling guilty and awful and like I'm bothering him. I'm starting to ask but I still feel guilty about it. I'm a work in progress for sure.

About not returning your phone call. Are you sure you made it clear that he needed to call you back? Sometimes they just assume (wrongly) that we called just to say something. One time my T did not answer an email I sent him asking if we were okay and looking for reassurance. 4 days went by with no response. He happened to call me to move my appt time and I fell apart on the phone telling him that I was sure he hated me because he did not answer the email and now he was moving my appointment. He felt awful about it and told me he thought my email was more "rhetorical" and I was not looking for a response. So I said... please just answer it. He did with the most wonderful email I ever got and I still hold onto for reassurance when I need it. So perhaps the unreturned phone call was just an honest error.

Oh and attachment??? My T never mentioned this either for a good reason... he had no idea about attachment theory. It is not his area and we are learning about it together. I brought the topic up and we are exploring it jointly...he had no idea I had attachment issues but is sure explained a lot of what I was feeling. About transference... I brought that up too and we talked about it but not too deeply because I was terrified at the time that he would either terminate me or it would change or ruin our relationship. With the passage of time I see it hasn't. I brought it up again this week and we will explore it further down the line.

I guess what I'm saying is that therapy is truly a collaborative effort. You have to be open with him and tell him your feelings and if you learn something outside of therapy then bring it to him and ask his opinion of it. If he does not bring something up it does not mean that he is not vested in your healing... he just does not know everything.

AJB I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you are hurting. I do think you should call him and tell him how you are feeling. People return to therapy all the time. It does not mean you are a failure or anythiing... it just means you were not done yet. It's okay. Really.

Call him.

Hugs... TN

(((OW))) I'm sorry for what you are going through too. You are grieving for your old T and I think when you see her or hear from her you are happy and then it hurts all over again because you are still mourning what you don't have or lost. I wish I knew how to make it stop for you. I'm sorry.

Just keep venting here and know that we all have ups and downs and disruptions with our Ts. No one is perfect. Maybe you should talk this over with your current T.

In the meantime I send you healing hugs.

TN

quote:

so, does this meann that perhaps he DOES know what he is doing? i mean, i just really don't know. and how could a good therapist just let me walk away knowing i'm not done yet? what if i didn't go back? or what if that's not what happened and i DO go back? that would be awful too....

AJB, I really don't know how to asnwer that. I know this is going to sound crule to a trauma survivor, but you are goung to have to trust your gut and I know how impossible that feels. A good therapist has to let you feel, but they also need to help you contain and identify what those feelings are.

I am sorry but I forget, how long were you in therapy? It takes quite a while to develop a trusting bond with a T, but you should be able to identify at least if you are a match with him. If you have never felt that it may be worth "shopping around."

I would suppose that trying a different T and seeing how you connect with them would do no harm. I don't want to steer you away from a potentially wonderful T who knows you far better than I and has your best interest at heart. But I don't want to ignore the plaguing feelings of dissatisfaction I sense from your experience either. But this has to be your decision.

AJB, Close your eyes for a moment and take a deep cleansing breath then picture your T. Try to capture his facial expressions, his hair color, his voice and mannerisms. What is the qualities that you notice about him most?

Keep posting as much as you need to. Feel free to say what you need to express. It is all good and it all makes sense. You are in a painful place and sometimes you just need to hear yourself think. This is a good place to do that. I may be in and out, but I will be happy to reply and I know that there are many others who might jump in too. You're not a lone.
JM

THANKS EVERYONE!!

OW:
i read stuff on here all the time that sounds JUST LIKE what i am feeling or experiencing at the time. it's funny how just knowing you're not alone makes it easier to bear, huh? well, i just wanted to tell you to go ahead and just say whatever's on your mind. TRUST ME: you'll feel a whole lot better if you just let it out!!!

TN:
Thanks so much for all your kind words. i had decided with my husband that i don't need anymore regularly scheduled sessions but that i should talk it over with my T. i don't remember exactly telling him in session that i was "finished" or whatever, but when the session was over, he (cautiously) said he didn't think i needed another scheduled session. he said that he was there if i should need him in the future.so...
in my sessions, he mostly just taught me assertiveness and about passiveness/aggressiveness and how to not be taken advantage of and how to effectively communicate with others(especially my husband). too bad i cannot communicate with the T!!! once he wrote stuff down and said at next session we would discuss setting boundaries, but we never did...
i don't know..... thanks again for your support.

JM:
i was in therapy about 5 months. saw him about twice per month. twice he asked me what did i come in for today, which made me feel stupid and like i was bothering him. but i didn't tell him that, of course (didn't want to be even more of a bother). i guess i didn't talk enough or something. i remember saying "I don't know" alot. once he mentioned the word "bipolar" which freaked me out. i am not bipolar (and he didn't exactly say i was, but i am a nurse and it totally hit a nerve)
and once he told me i have alot of "dependence". he said he could "see it all over" me.
i live in a very small town(which he comes to once per week to work)and i just don't want to look like a fool if i go back and nothing happens. you know, if he says "what are you back for?" or if i go and get nowhere again. although it isn't really fair to say i got nowhere because i really did. in fact i think the therapy might've saved my marriage.
oh, one more thing:
once he told me "this (therapy) isn't forever"
which made me think even more that i was a bother and he couldn't wait for me to terminate. i think that might've been the day i tuned it all out, now that i think about it. may have been the day i decided i was miraculously "cured", i don't know..........

thanks again!

Reading this forum is good enough therapy at times.
I too feel that what others have written is exactly how I am feeling at the time.
I'm sorry to those of you going through a rough day today, but i get it!

Tomorrow is THE DAY I see my T. I'm re-reading the notes I've taken on transference and attachment theory, reviewing the highlights, but its NOT helping think of a way of how to bring this up, and I know that in talking I'm going to be a stuttering spaz.
I'm scared to death of changing the relationship. On top if it all I have to mention my friend and that it bothers me that she goes there. Like REALLY bothers me.
He's going to think I'm his next stalker I feel.
One hour just won't cut it. Damn.

HUGS travelluvr
Sounds like theres a lot of us going thru these transference things.
I hate it how every reaction to something your therapist says or does can be related to transference. I hate that cant it just be a reaction to the here and now?? what do you all think??

travelluvr... what you say is "I have something important to talk to you about but I'm scared because I don't want it to change the good relationship that we have but I feel I need to be honest. Because if I'm not honest it will interfere with our therapy and that is very important to me."

Then you can talk about transference and if you think you have attachment issues you can introduce that into the conversation by saying that maybe you react to him the way you do is because he has become and attachment figure (a secure base) for you and then you can discuss what that means. This can all lead into how you are feeling about him seeing your friend. It's almost like if you have some parental feelings for him she is like a sibling trying to take your parent's attention away from you. We all want to be special to our T's and it's hard enough with the other patients nevermind one that is a friend.

Good luck tomorrow.
TN

AJB,

I hear a lot of dissatisfaction from you. Perhaps he is a really good T, but he is not for you. You may need someone more attuned and less subtle in their approach. I know I do. And that is no slight on your part or his, it is that the two of you just don't mesh. For someone who plays such a significantly vital role in our lives he just doesn't seem to show up for you. It is nothing bad against him or you, there is just no chemsitry or connection and that is a must.

If I may add, if you are dealing with any type of trauma 5 months does not seem near long enough to have procesed anything completely. It takes longer than that to build a trusting realtionship with a T which is essential in your ability to work through the trauma(s).

I am so sorry I can't make this easier for you. I would if I could.

quote:

once he told me "this (therapy) isn't forever"

AJB

I have been in therapy for over 2 years, and I am really only just feeling a little more comfortable about the transference thing. It took a long time for it to appear, and it took a REALLY long time for me to figure out what it was and that I am normal. During that time (and quite often still) the pain is excruciating. 5 months is a very short time as JM said. When I starting whining to my T about how long I have been in therapy, and I must be cracked, and probably no one else has been doing this so long.......she said "therapy takes as long as therapy takes."

I think you have gotten a lot of great advice on this thread and I won't repeat what everyone else said, especially because they said it so well, but I do agree with them. There is nothing wrong with going back to therapy. My T says that people "dip in and out" all the time. And it is just quite possible that you and this particular T are not a match. You probably won't know until you try someone else and see how that feels. Check out the thread about finding a T, there was great discussion on there. I know it can be frightening to think that you are starting all over with someone else, but if another T becomes a match, it will be the most wonderful feeling for you and it will help you to resolve what is bothering you.

travelluvr

You have two very big issues you are dealing with. I can tell that the friend thing is really bothering you and I can completely understand. The connection between you and your T is a very personal one and to have someone else pretend that they know what you are doing in your therapy is just wrong! It sounds like your T is very kind and is looking out for you, especially by changing her appointment and not yours. You have to talk to him about this and get his reassurance that he is there for you, and it has nothing to do with her. If you don't talk to him about this, I'm afraid you will keep hurting. And I know for me, when something about my T starts to hurt, I can really blow it up to a monstrous size and dwell on it until I am sick. (I'm not minimizing your feelings at all here)

The transference issue is also very big. And anyone of use on here can attest to this. We have so..... been there, and still are. Again, you HAVE to bring this up to get some relief for yourself. T's do not want to push or suggest things to us because we have to tell them what we are feeling. If they make suggestions about something that really isn't what we are feeling, then they put an idea into our heads that is not true. How awful would it be to spend session after session talking about something that really doesn't relate to you!

You may want to write down what you are feeling and thinking before your session so you don't get flustered (as much). You don't necessarily have to read it to him, but you would have the satisfaction of knowing you had it just in case. And you may not get through it all in one session. But getting a little bit of it out, whatever you can handle, will let off a little of what is building up inside you. This is a scary thing that you are doing, but the rewards will be more than you can imagine. I wish you luck.

PL

I'm having a hard time separating the differences between 'attachment theory' or figure with 'transference'.
They both seem the same to me.

Can someone give me the coles notes version of the difference?
Thanks
And for the record, I'm sure I'm experiencing both.

travelluvr...try reading this piece on attachment...scroll down to the heading "The Therapist as an Attachment Figure"

http://www.daniel-sonkin.com/attachment_psychotherapy.htm

As for transference...there are many types of transference so it's hard to know where to send you to read. There is even negative transference where you attribute negative characteristics you encountered with people in your past to your therapist. The opposite side of this is erotic transference, which pretty much says that you have a passionate attraction to your T or a strong desire for your T. I would suggest reading In Session by Deborah Lott (available usually on Amazon). She explains a lot about this.

Why are you sure you are experiencing both?

TN

Travelluvr,
I'll take a shot at the difference between attachment figure and transference. Its easy to get confused and for a good reason. People who have attachment issues, especially disorganized attachment which is commonly the result of long-term childhood abuse and/or neglect, are often the people who develop intense "transference" relationships with their T. So often the two things, though separate, occur together and are interrelated in some ways.

Transference does not mean you aren't having real feelings in the here and now, you absolutely are and they are real and legitimate (my T tends to avoid the word transference, he doesn't like the connotations). But how you behave in relationship and the feelings that you struggle with in significant relationships can often be indicators of unresolved problems or unmet needs in your past. So the ability to observe your emotions and be able to discuss them with the object of those emotions,your T, who can also do the reality checking of telling you how they actually do feel and think, allows you to see patterns in yourself that you have no other way of observing. We can only know ourself in relationship. So the feelings that occur in the theraputic relationship can often be clues leading us back to things in our past that need to be healed. And when we heal, that allows us to change and having healthier relationships both with our Ts and outside of therapy.

Attachment theory states that our relationship with our attachment figure is a biologically driven behavior designed to help us survive since human infant would die on their own. The interactions with our attachment figure (literally from birth onward) form our "template" for relationships and what we expect from them. It shapes how we see the world and people around them. It literally affects the physical structure of the brain and the neural networks that develop. For people who receive "good enough" care from their attachment figures, their template tells them that when they express a need, it is met. That they matter because someone responds to their outcries and helps them understand themselves. They are taught how to handle adversity and soothe themselves by being soothed by their attachment figure. Recieving this kind of care provides them with a deep sense of their own worth and acceptableness.

But, if you do not receive these things from your attachment figure and in the case of abuse, the very person you need to go towards when distressed is the person causing the distress, all kind of maladaptive behaviors ensue, which provide the important function of surviving your childhood (which is a biggie) but later in life can become the very behaviors that prevent you from having a fulfilling life with close intimate relationships.

Your need to have a sense of your own worth and to learn how to handle your own emotions and move through them go unfulfilled. But these are basic human needs and do NOT go away although they can be driven deep underground.

And this is where the connection between attachment and transference comes in. A person who has never experienced a secure attachment will continue to look for one without even being aware of it. These are strong, primitive needs that can really drive you. So you go to therapy and here is someone who is listening to you, caring about you, treating you like you matter, understanding you and helping you make sense of your emotions. All the things you're attachment figure should have done. And that's when you're long-buried, but intense and primitive needs come roaring back to life because at last you can have them met. That's why the intensity is so high for transference (of any kind, I know I have struggled with both intense paternal and erotic transference depending on which emotions and needs I am dealing with.) because these are primitive needs from a time when you were pre-verbal and pre-cognitive but are experienced as a life and death issue which they were at the time. When we are in fear of our life, our limbic system can really scream at us to do something about it. So our relationship with our therapist takes on a "life and death" aspect. And we feel small and vulnerable and childish because that's exactly the part of ourselves that is so needy in this area.

The really good news is that attachment research has found that the brain's structure retains plasticity throughout your life so that we can fix a "faulty" template by forming a secure attachment even in adulthood. Working with your therapist, experiencing new emotional responses, literally rewires your brain.

There's a really excellent book (that I've recommended a gazillion times on this site, because it was very important to my healing) is The General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis et al. It's extremely well-written and very accessible for the layman and provides an excellent explanation for how your brain develops according to attachment theory and how that translates into therapy. It provided a turning point for me both in accepting my need for dependence on my therapist for awhile and hope that I could ultimately work through all the intense feelings.

Hope that helped, feel free to ask questions about anything that didn't make sense.

AG

AJB,
I'm sorry for the hurt you're going through. I don't have much to add because you're getting excellent input, but I just wanted to say Five months?!!?? I mean, it took me that long to make eye contact, for pete's sake. I've been at this for over 20 years and am on my fourth run of therapy. I have left and come back three times and worked with two different therapists.

I don't want to scare anyone, I don't think it takes most people this long but just in case you feel like you're taking a long time, comfort yourself with the thought that you know someone who has taken longer.

So it doesn't suprise me at all that you may need to do more work. Especially since it sounds like there was a lot you didn't feel able to say.

AG

AG

Don't think that post was long enough!!! LOL no seriously, when are you going to write your own book and will we all feature as case studies????

I want to be known by my moniker, mysterious, medieval and mad!!!

L

LOS,
I can't write my own book, all my best material is stolen. And I promise, no case studies! On the other hand, I promise that if I ever speak about you in any publication, you will be mysterious, & medieval. I'm leaving the mad part out as it doesn't apply!

AG

Hi,
This is my first post. I can relate to much of what all of you have posted and you seem to be more comfortable with transferences then I. I have a preoccupied attachment with my T, which is making me feel very uncomfortable. I spend a great deal of time trying to keep in check, because it feels like a huge flaw in my character. I know transferences can contribute to some of the biggest personal growth in therapy, but I don't trust that if I let myself sink into it I will be do what is best for me. I feel like I will be losing some of my independence. I don't want to foster a dependency role because I feel like that will be backsliding. I really could use some of your insights.
Questing

Questing,
Welcome to the forums, thanks for introducing yourself. This is a great place to come when dealing with transference issues as so many people are dealing with it.

As far as dependency, I know that it was a huge issue with me in working through this. I thought that dependency was automatically unhealthy in a theraputic relationship and to be avoided at all costs. I have since learned differently. For the issues that I'm dealing with (the need to form a secure attachment) it as actually been necessary for me to allow myself to be dependent on my T for awhile because getting what I need in terms of an attachment figure is the only way for me to grow independent in a way which also allows me to form healthy, intimate connections with other people. In a sense, I'm going back to correct some develop gone awry, so that I can learn to be healthy and interdependent in the here and now. For me, dependency was so terrifying because the last time I tried it with my parents, it really didn't work out well.

If you go back a few posts in this thread, there's a book General Theory of Love that I think you would find helpful. The chapter Between Stone and Sky directly addresses the dependency issue. I think I may have actually posted an excerpt on that in another thread.

But in any case, I would recommend reading Shrinklady's article on Transference and both the transference threads. You're posting in teh second one and here's the first one Update on Transference. There's a lot of good info.

Looking forward to getting to know you. Great username by the way!

Oh, and one more thing, have you talked to your T about how you feel?
AG

Questing,
I tracked down the excerpt, you can read it here.

AG

I did it.
I told him. OMG was that scary. I was a mess. I was so nervous I was shaking and my hands were sweating. I tried about 5 times and he knew I was trying to say something. At one point I even said 'guess'. He said he had NO idea,.
So, I just said that I am feeling concerned about our sessions ending soon, and that I have a strong emotional attachment to him, and I admitted that I think about him sometimes maternally, like if its storming out and I know he's driving home (lives in another city) and how sometimes I feel like a 2 yr old and I want to cling on to him for dear life.
At that point he started to talk.
He said he understands. He understands that sometimes I would feel like I'm 2, 8, 12 or 18 years old.
It was an awkward moment, I kept my head down, face in hands. He said he was OK with it, and he agrees that we have developed a strong emotional bond, and he was glad I told him.
I did make a flip comment like
"you provide a service and hardly expect you to really give a shit about what goes on in my life" (which of course was my way of seeking approval)
but he took the hook, and he said that he did in fact care, and he is often worried about me, AND..the best part...is that when my sessions end he is willing to see me free of charge, that the association expects them to do SOME pro-bono work.
SO...I feel like 20 pounds has been lifted off of me. I didn't say 80% of what I wanted to say, but its out there now. And he was SO good.
Of course I wanted to hug him or such, but he is very clear with those boundaries.
He's off to Florida with the fam next week, so I have 2 weeks until I see him again, and I can't wait.
Thanks EVERYONE for so many good tips. It helped. Its going to be a long journey.
xo

Hi Questing. My Therapist told me once that "you need to be dependant before you can be independant."

I think that its hard to be dependent or preoccupied with our therapist but its probably a necessary part of growth in therapy. I'm not preoccupied with my therapist but i know that there are a lot of people that are and it truly is ok!

Thats great Travelluvr! Its really important that you had that discussion and its great that it turned out good for you.

My therapist hugs me and touches me i didn't realise some people had boundaries about touch.

quote:

I didn't say 80% of what I wanted to say, but its out there now. And he was SO good.

travelluvr

But you said 20% and that is awesome!! Just know that it may be a very long time before all 100% comes out. You can only take so much at a time. I told my T a few months ago, and thought "ok, that's that - I should be done with those feelings now." WRONG!

Today I went through the whole "what will I do if I get better and can't see you anymore?" thing. I am thinking that I am sabotaging myself because I'm so afraid of losing her. It was so hard to tell her this today, and she knew it and accepted it. Well, she said that when it comes time for that, she will have to be very careful to prepare me for it and make it a smooth transition. God I love that woman!!!

So my point is travelluver, even though I have been seeing her for over 2 years, I'm still not anywhere close to the 100%. I'm glad you had the courage and he accepted it and you are feeling better.

PL

travelluvr -

I'm so glad you were able to talk about it and that he was accepting. And at least you don't have to worry now about your sessions ending before you get the other 80% out.

Questing -

Welcome! I had a hard time with dependence on a T too, I probably still would but I have a new T and don't yet feel dependent on her. Anyway, I learned growing up not to be dependent on anyone, so when I found myself depending on her so much, it was really uncomfortable for me, and wonderful at the same time because not only did I depend on her, but she was dependable! Something I'm really NOT used to. If you can work with this kind of relationship with your T, I think it can be a really good thing, just like AG said.

OW

Hi guys!
Charlotte checking in to say hello and give you an update on my "Party Wagon"..LOL!! i have had an awesome week!! I have been doing great in my therapy, having some medical things still going on with my head...(In more ways than one!!) ...but I am a little concerned about some thoughts that have run through my mind this week....My question is how do you know when you are beginning to pass your transference from your T (and you all know the story of how I was referred to a female T after telling Mr. T about my feelings) to a person that is not a T??? I am having massage therapy for my headaches, and counseling with my pastor on some issues as well as my therapy with Ms. T (Who by the way is great and really helping me)....this is the first time I have felt worth 50 cents in a long time....BUT...BUT....I feel good when talking to my preacher (Marital counseling without my hubby who will not go) and feel even better when getting the massages 2 times a week...Oh my goodnesss...those thoughts...and those hands...and they are both georgeous and my age to boot!!! Am I a total screw up...or just a big slutty whore??? ...I have been writing a letter this week to my old Mr. T Thanking him for referring me out to someone else, and that I feel like I am getting over him fairly well...(But he still looks hot... to me when I pass him...and i still get that rush of addreneline...but it is no where near the same effect it has been)...Do I just need to leave my husband and join the "Sisters of Mercy" somewhere??? LOL...What is going on???...come on JM....AG...OW....And all my other friends out there...give me some pointers...I can't live thru this again, and the transference objects (if that's what they are)are getting much closer home!!
Talk to you soon, C

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. My T is dependable too, OW, that's what caused the preoccupied attachment. I'm not use to the consistance she provides and I find it hard to trust. And I will talk to her about my dependancy fears, she will be receptive to the conversation. Thanks AG, that was a very sensible suggestion, I can't believe I over looked the obvious. I didn't relize exactly how stressed I felt until I posted my first note and I cried. Thank you for your support.
Questing

Hi Charlotte,
I'm glad you are having a great week! FYI: Since I'm new here, I did a little "background reading" in some of your older posts so I could gain some perspective on what you posted about tonight. I am glad things are going well for you and that your female T is helping so much- looks like your old T made the right decision for you.

Well, as my name suggests, I have had multiple transference experiences with various people. It began happening when I was in Jr. High... I started young! Since then, I have transferred the transference (lol... hope that makes sense) upwards of ten times. I have definitely felt the

quote:

Am I a total screw up...or just a big slutty whore???

feelings before because most of my experiences have involved sexual aspects (fyi, all of mine have been for older women and I am a heterosexual female). I am currently in therapy, going on 10 months, and she is my most recent obsession.

From what I have been through and what I am currently learning, my suggestion for you would be to tell your current T about these new feelings you are having for other people. Obviously, there are reasons we do what we do and that we fall for who we fall for. Looking into that and analyzing your motives with your T might help you to understand what it is about these current people that is drawing you in. I guess I'm just saying that these transference experiences are bound to keep consuming you until you can isolate why they are manifesting. Also remember that having someone focus all of their time and energy on you (i.e. pastor, massage T, T) just plain feels good. And when you aren't used to feeling good, it can be OVERWHELMING!

I hope that these new people can be opportunities that you can expand on with your T to further your journey and understanding of yourself. My T always says that she is just a mirror reflecting whatever me and my thoughts/feelings are projecting. That analogy always helps me to realize that when I am in a new relationship with a proverbial blank slate, what I see that is going on is most likely an illustration of something originating from within me. Hope that helps.

P.S.- I think it is cool that you are writing and thanking your old T. I know he will be glad to know that you are satisfied and that you feel he made the right move.

quote:

Originally posted by Questing:
I didn't relize exactly how stressed I felt until I posted my first note and I cried. Thank you for your support.
Questing

Welcome to the forum Questing, We are all here to tell our stories and give support, sometimes seeing our stress written down can affect us more.

My T isnt always dependable but i still feel very attached to her.

Chronically Transferred I have had transferece feelings towards my fitness instructor, I thought i was going crazy, When i first read that its not always a Therapist that people experience transferece towards i felt very relieved. By the way welcome to the forum.
Em

Questing

First of all, let me say hi and welcome to a great forum. I'm glad you feel comfortable and that posting here is helping you to get some of your feelings out. We all value the fact that we can be heard and understood here. So, post away! As you will find out, we all also have an opinion about everything. But, that is a good thing. I have gotten amazing advice and strength from these friends here.

PL

Hello Questing,
I wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forum as I have not had an opportunity to do so yet. I am glad you are finding the support you need here and I am glad you are feeling so free to speak about your feelings here. And yes, this is an excellent place to feel understood.
JM

Thanks, C. Transferred,
Seems like you have been down the road...a few times! By the way, welcome to our forum! Hope that you will keep posting, it seems that you have a level head about you. I have been thinking about my post the last few days, and I really don't think I am transferring to other people. I think it was the pain medications talking more than my heart! I am going to back off both men for a little while and see what happens! I am facing surgery soon..(I find out Monday) and I can't be caught up in this too! I appreciate your words...they were awesome...and it did get me to thinking about things!...I hope to talk to you again soon!...C

AG,
I had to wait a week, but I took your suggestion and talked to my T about how uncomfortable I feel allowing myself to feel dependent on her. It actually started a great discussion about the different levels of dependency we all have on people in our lives.
She told me it was alright to depend on her. I told my T I have a fear that she will terminate with me if I'm dependent on her. She said she would not terminate with me unless termination was something I brought up and we talked about it.
Thanks!
Questing

quote:

Originally posted by River:


About erotic transference - #1 - Falling in love with the therapist

About erotic transference - #2 - Acting on erotic transference/ countertransference

Transference - by our own Shrinklady

Hi all, I just wanted to thank you for the linkage and let you know that my site has moved. You can now find these posts and a number of others about transference and the therapeutic relationship at http://behindthecouchblog.blogspot.com http://behindthecouchblog.blogspot.com

I hope everyone is well.

All the best

BTC

Thanks BTC for the links, I was just reading through your blog, some great stuff there.

Transference is a real pain in the butt! This is my first year experiencing it to this extent, but also the first year I've had a male psychologist.

He's been gone on holidays, so it will be 2 weeks since I've seen him and confessed my transference issues with him. Oddly enough, I feel so much lighter, better. I'm no obsessing over him nearly as much. Time does seem to help! I'm sure that once I'm back I'll have the 'post therapy' thoughts for a good 48 hrs. Seems to be the pattern.
I am hoping it fades. It's been exhausting.

curious how the rest of you have been doing this week.......
-travelluvr

I'm just sick...

I have been shaken to the core re: Dr. X and his prior behavior towards me that seemed out of context and slightly inappropriate. I always discounted it because I needed a man that I could trust in my corner after having been traumatized by a male doctor I was supposed to have been able to trust to take care of me. I can't trust Dr. X, either...I'm nauseated, I don't trust myself now as far as being a good judgment of character and I've been using his "concern" for me as a source of strength and I can no longer do that. His "concern" was motivated by sex, not a human concern for me.

I read "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" and it perfectly describes what has been happening between Dr. X and I, the "grooming" behavior.

Meanwhile, the investigation into the doctor who traumatized me is now closed and he was found to not have been negligent and not to have violated standard of care. I'm sick over that, too, even though it was the outcome I expected.

This triggered my PTSD; I nearly elbowed a grocery store clerk in the face the other night when she came up close behind me unexpectedly, plus, whenever someone would come near me, my heart would race and I would feel threatened. Then I had a panic attack at work for no obvious reason.

I'm a mess.

Hi Sprinting: That sounds all so horrible.
Can you stop seeing Dr. X immediately?? I really think you should. Cancel all future appointments. Perhaps look into only using a female therapist in the future to keep yourself safe.
We have a licensing college of physicians here that would take a complaint if necessary ....however it sounds like you've been down that road and may not want to go that route again.

I can understand that your trust has been shattered and it would be a PTSD trigger for most...me included. What a bastard. Maybe calling him up and telling him right off on his voicemail or something would help?
I do'nt know the history. I just know you need to never go there again. Be safe.

Dr. X is my oncologist. I have no appointments with him scheduled; I am supposed to do follow up with him in early summer. I could easily change doctors but the thought of seeing someone who isn't familiar is really scary to me at the moment.

I have a T; she is female.

There is no point in making a complaint because what has happened would easily be explained away, which is what I had been doing myself in justifying it. Besides, I have said so many good things about him to so many people that could easily be used against me

I feel like such an idiot, for explaining away those out of context things, for only wanting to see that he was trying to help me...because I was so desperate for someone to help me, to try to understand what I had been through. He seemed to understand. I never told my T what he said and did and now I feel terrible about going back and telling her that many months back this happened and I just never mentioned it. I also don't want her to lodge a complaint against him based on what I said. I just can't go there. I only wanted to see the good. I couldn't see anymore bad, I just could not bear it. I still want to explain it away.

When I found out about the results of the investigation, my first thought was that I wanted to talk to him about it even though I had already come to this realization. How sick is that. I am colluding with him.

I know he is a bastard and is taking advantage of his implicit position of power so I am trying really hard not to blame myself but it is hard not to: it is what I know, unfortunately.

SG

SG,
I don't want to make excuses for your Dr. and his behavior but please know that although the patterns of behavior may have fit, it is VERY rare that a professional is acting consciously and deliberately to exploit a patient. In most cases of boundary violations, especially those that involve a sexual relationship, the doctor or therapist is responding to his own unmet needs and is often unconscious of being seductive or "grooming" someone. They are just feeling the same way we are, that they are strongly attracted to the other person.

This does NOT excuse his behavior; it is up to the professional to diligently guard those boundaries and I think it would be really good for you to tell everything to your T about what happened and how he behaved. But I thought perhaps it might feel like less of a betrayal if he his behavior wasn't a blatant attempt to just use you for his ends.

AG

C. Transferred...I wanted to let you know, I thought about what you said and I told my T about the other people I thought I felt tranference coming on with and she said it definitley was the pain meds talking BUT..that's when you say what you really feel inside!! She told me I definitly needed to back off of them and let myself get overmy Mr. T completely so that these feelings would go away instead of transferring...but I see my pastor every week...I see my massage T 2 times a week...and I will not stop seeing him...God those hands!! but I have been keeping the conversations to a minimal and watching myself very carefully...with both men...I would not tell her who they were...but I promised to be a good girl!!
I hope you are doing well...how are your transference issues going? I haven't seen you on the forum lately...talk to you soon!
JM, AG, SG and PL...where are you guys at these days?? Hello everyone I haven't mentioned...I can't remember you all, but i hope you are all having a great week...I have had some good sessions lately...and My T told me she thought next week I could drop down to everyother week...I am proud and then I am sad!!! What is up with that??
See ya, Charlotte

Hey Charlotte-
I'm glad you talked to your T about the other two men- and I think what she said was true. Pain meds do allow you to drop some barries that you wouldn't normally let down. I am also glad you are being mindful and careful with your pastor and massage T. Hopefully awareness will help with the intensity of the feelings.

I am doing pretty well with the transference stuff right now, thanks for asking! It was pretty rough going there for a while. A few weeks ago, I wrote my T this three page letter of all the things I wish she could be for me, all the reasons why I know she can't be those things, and why I feel like she is rejecting me. It wasn't anything she didn't already know, but instead of letting her read the letter, I actually read it to her and I was very emotional. But, it was very important to me that I tell her- actually say the words out loud. It was something I had to do, and I was so glad I did it. Of course, two weeks later, she freakin went on vacation and I felt like I was being punished because I couldn't see her. Even when she is in town but I don't have an appointment, I find comfort in the fact that she isn't far away. But I managed to get through her vacation and ONLY called her 3 times... Geez! And her and her boundaries didn't call me back until she returned from vacation, ugh. It was truly hellish. But my first session back with her was really good- hard but good. I was able to express some feelings of fear and angst that I hadn't before and she wasn't mad at me or anything! Plus, she gave me some reassurance and I was in a vulnerable enough place to receive it... which is rare! It was very comforting overall, and made me appreciate the boundaries of the therapeutic environment instead of loathe them like I normally do.

I'm glad you have had some good sessions lately and that you will be able to move to every other week appointments. It doesn't surprise me that you're a little sad about it. It sounds like you have a great relationship with her, and cutting back means seeing her less. Plus, that is less time that you get to be completely seen and known... who wouldn't miss that some? I think you will do well with it though, once you get used to it.

-CT