Thanks HB

Actually, I was thinking that I am not really coping well with what is going on at the moment, and feeling sorry for myself today. But, you made me rethink this and to tell you the truth, with the enormity of what I'm dealing with right now, I AM coping. At least coping better than I have in the past and that is a step in the right direction. It doesn't mean the problem has gone away by any means, but looking at this in a different way is helping me to pull myself out of today's depression I am so glad I joined this forum. Everyone here has given me so much and made me feel as if there is a light somewhere at the end of this very long tunnel.

quote:

I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.

HB

Great analogy. I agree and I'll try to keep that picture in my mind today. I called my T last night because the downward spiral was beginning and I woke up with it too. She will call me sometime today and at least I know I can have a conversation with her without so much depression. For now, I'm hanging in a linear place and hoping I will begin to spiral up rather than down soon.

PL

quote:

I guess there is a huge difference for me between struggling and not coping. A good struggle is a bit like going to gym, you use new muscles and it is sore but you know the pain is strengthening you and making you stronger.

HB,
I love this analogy too. It speaks to my inner athlete that is lost in there somewhere struggling to find her way out again.

PL,

I hope you are able to use that spiral in an upward direction too. I never considered it that way as if we might even have a choice to use the momentum to carry us in a centrifugal direction. I just called my T too hoping she will be able to give me a little pep talk since I lack the motivation myself.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time too PL. Whatever this stuff is that you are dealing with is certainly not deserved and if sweetness were an inability to hurt you'd never have to worry about it. You are as brave and strong in your coping as HB pointed out. I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.
JM

quote:

I hope your T call leaves you feeling revived and content.

Thanks JM

She just called. She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste. She told me that I should go to dinner and a movie tonight with my husband to get my mind off of this situation. Wish she had asked me to go to a movie with her!! Ok, sorry I digressed.

Well anyway, I feel so much better at the moment. She knows me better than I know myself, and seems to always know just the right thing to say to help me out.

Thanks JM and HB for all your support. the downward spiral has been thwarted for now. Let's see how long it takes me to think something else up.

PL

quote:

She doesn't usually work on Fridays and does personal stuff, but it really makes me feel good that she made the time to call me. It was a really good conversation and she really did lift my spirits and helped me to see things in a different way. She asked me what I was going to do this weekend to soothe myself. I said I didn't know because today was pretty much of a waste.

It isn't enough that it seems like we live parallel lives PL, but our T's do too? That or she is the same T. I wont ask where you live or where your T works. Only thing though, my T wouldn't suggest my husband and I go to dinner and a movie. Not that anything is wrong with that, I just don't see that coming from my T. Nor would she ask me to go either. My T also asked me about what I have done to self-soothe and suggested my recording as we already discussed in someone else's topic. Ssshh!
Glad you thwarted that spiral!
JM

Yeah JM, it is funny how much we seem to have in common. The reason she suggested the dinner and movie is because I really need to connect better emotionally with my husband. My shield hides me from everyone. Also, my situation at this time involves our son and she tells me all the time not to let our son's issues come between my husband and me. For the real self-soothing, I am doing mindfullness meditation. I have just started taking a class and it will go for the next 7 weeks. I should be really mellow or really mindless (OOPS!) mindful, by the end of this.

PL

quote:

I'm also tempted to make something up, I think to get his attention...have any of you ever experienced that? It's so childish and I'm having to work really hard not to do it. Like a friend of mine was held up at knifepoint and at every session since I've been tempted to pretend it was me.

HELLO LOS,
I GUESS THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY ONE OF US THAT HASN'T PLOTED OR EVEN FUDGED AN ISSUE WITH OUR T'S OR OUR HUSBANDS, OR FRIENDS, ETC. WHEN WE FEEL LIKE THERE IS AN ABSOLUTE NEED FOR SOME ONE ON ONE ATTENTION. GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS...YES, WE ALL THINK UP CHILDISH THINGS SOMETIMES...BUT TRUST ME THERE IS PLENTY OF THINGS THAT RISE UP IN SESSION MOST OF THE TIME THAT KEEP US TIED UP...I THINK MOST OF THE TIME THE CHILDISH IDEAS JUST PASS THRU YOUR MIND WHEN YOU GET BORED WITH THE CURRENT ISSUES..AND THAT IS FINE TOO..WE ALL HAVE ISSUES WITH OUR MINDS ANYWAY RUNNING AMUCK SOMETIMES...I MEAN COME ON GUYS...WE DIDN'T BUY OUR TRANSFERENCE AT WALMART!! LOL!! I DO BELIEVE IT ALL STARTED IN THE MIND RIGHT?? BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...I CAN TELL MY NEW MS. T THINGS LIKE THAT THAT PASS THRU MY MIND..AND WE PROCESS IT AND GUESS WHAT...IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO GET OUT IN THE OPEN ANYWAY!!
IF I HAD THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT I COULD HAVE TALKED MY OLD MR T OUT OF DISMISSING ME....THERE IS NO TELLING WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID..IF I THOUGHT I COULD HAVE STAYED IN JUST ONE MORE SESSION WITH HIM...I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM I SAW HIS WIFE OUT TO DINNER WITH HIS ATTORNEY...OR BROTHER, OR DOCTOR, OR HIS DADDY .....I WAS SO DESPERATE TO KEEP HIM...I WOULD HAVE THREATENED TO JUMP OUT OF HIS 7TH STORY OFFICE WINDOW...BUT THAT WOULD HAVE ONLY GOTTEN ME IN LOCKDOWN!! ....I ALMOST BEGGED HIM ON MY KNEES TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE...HE TOLD ME "NO!!!..THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD....I'M NOT BACKING DOWN...AND I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!" YES, I HATED HIS GUTS ...YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY...SO DON'T FEEL SILLY OR ALONE...WE HAVE HAD THE SAME THOUGHTS I'M SURE...

ALSO FOR THE DRESSING FOR SESSION THING...YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DRESS THE PART EVERY TUESDAY...I GO RIGHT AFTER WORK...I TAKE MY MAKEUP, AND ACCESSORIES...SOMETIMES A WHOLE OTHER OUTFIT IN MY BAG...FIRST I WAS DOING IT BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE IN SESSION WITH HIM OF COURSE BUT NOW I DO IT...BECAUSE OF THE TRANSFERENCE SESSION OUT OF HIS OFFICE...BUT HE STILL SEES ME EVERY WEEK!!!...I EITHER WANT HIM TO SEE ME GETTING BETTER AND COPING WELL (BECAUSE I AM )...OR SHOWING HIM WHAT HE'S MISSING!!! ...(OKAY I MAY REGRESS EVERY NOW & THEN SO WHAT)...EITHER WAY....IT MAKES ME...CHARLOTTE FEEL BETTER TO LOOK MY ABSOLUTE BEST!! AND THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT RIGHT?? FEELING OUR BEST AND MOVING PAST THIS PART OF OUR LIVES?...STICK IT OUT GUYS...WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT....EVEN IF SOMETIMES, WE MAY HAVE TO FAKE IT!! HAHA!! TALK TO YOU SOON, C.

Hi! I have been reading posts on this site for the last several weeks.. It has been very helpful to me. I decided to join!

Hi I'm just me (IJM),
Welcome to the forums, I'm glad you decided to post and introduce yourself and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

Hi IJM!

Welcome!

OW

Hi IJM, I wanted to make sure to add myself to your list of welcomes. That would be odd if I didn't since we share such a similar name.
JM

Hi IJM

It's always nice to get to know someone new. Hope you keep posting.

PL

Hi IJM,
Glad to have you on board! Welcome to the forum, please feel free to join in our discussions and hope you keep posting!
Hello guys...Just checking in right quick...I've been under the weather this week...headaches again...gotta go have more tests done next week...did not go to my session this week, and I really have missed it. I felt so bad Tuesday, (these headaches are terrible) but now I feel like my whole week is screwed up because I didn't go...gotta run...I should go lay down before I get dizzy again and sick on my stomach...
Yalk to you later, C

BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT DOING IT....TELL YOUR T THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT...AND SHE WILL WORK YOU THRU IT...

Well guys - I told him and of course he didn't bat an eyelid!! I don't think I'd have felt bound to do it though if I hadn't spoken to you guys first. It really helps to have people around who do not think you are losing it!! If you haven't been through this stuff you really do not know what it's like. I don't even know if our T's know what it's like - the agony, the longing, the pain, the embarassemnt, the fear, the lying awake, the tears...sound familiar.

Anyway, I told him and told him how angry I am with him that he didn't warn me this was coming (ie all the attachment stuff) and that I felt I was operating with one and tied behind my back where he didn't. Turns out he didn't necessarily see it coming either and what I'm going through is 'rare' and 'courageous' and it's a question of holding my (our!)nerve.

Lady

Check this out guys - patterns in transference - I can identify with at least 4 of them!!

http://www.earley.org/Patterns/transference_and_countertransfer.htm
L

LOS,

That is so awesome you told your T! I'm glad that the support you got here helped you to do that, but be very proud of yourself. It's a terrifying thing to do and you were very brave to open up like that. And I'm really glad he responded so well. I love the way he described it "a question of holding my nerve" that's really perfect. And its good to hear from you!!

AG

Hello everyone! I'm new here, effective today. I have been googling 'transference' for weeks. I can barely stand myself with all of the obsessive thinking I've been doing, only to find out this is totally NORMAL! I can't thank all of you enough for all these posts, which I've been reading for hours and hours. I really thought I was losing my marbles.
I've been with my male therapist (age 39) for a year, I've had 27 visits, I'm a female age 33.
WOW do I have a crush. Huge, ridiculous. I'm now starting to experience thinking of him 20x a day, wondering if he likes certain songs/foods/locations. He's very married with 3 adorable children. He's never been inappropriate, ever.

The problem being is that we've never discussed transference, and I've done everything in my power to 'pretend' I'm not affected by him, or that I care or miss him or need him. I only have 4 sessions left (insurance) and I NEED to admit this, lay it on the table and unload. I'm so scared, I tried the past 3 sessions and we just had our normal chatty great time. I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.
SO, I'm going to write it. I've cut and pasted lots of good info to give me a base of what to say.
I guess my question here is....how do you bring it up? What do you say? Do any of you have anything pre-written that might help me fess up?
Thanks so much.

quote:

I really thought I was losing my marbles.

traveluvr

Welcome to the "lost marbles" club. Just keep in mind, that everything you have just said rings true for me and probably most everybody else here. Finding out that this is normal was a big epiphany for me too.

Writing it out was a huge help for me, as it gave me time to really think of what I wanted to say, and how to say it. And yes, I was shaking like a leaf when I told her. Seriously though, your T has probably been waiting for you to bring this up, and if he is a good T, he will accept it and help you to understand it. For me, it took a gigantic weight off my shoulders. Although, I'm real good at adding more stuff to weigh me down.

I'm glad you joined us, and I look forward to more posts from you. Let us know how it is going.

PL

Hi travelluvr! Welcome to the forum.

Chicken that I am I couldn't simply blurt out my feelings for my T out of the blue and then just sit there waiting for her reaction. For me, I find it easier to bring up something I have trouble talking about if I have an angle. Like you, I spent a lot of time trying to find out if other people were as infatuated with their T's as I am and I came across ShrinkLady's article and this forum which gave me an actual technical term for what I was feeling: "transference." Until I had that word I had no idea that it was so common and that a lot T's know how to work with it in ways that will help the work happen. So, now I had my angle and in my next session I brought up the whole thing by simply, innocently asking her what transference was? Of course, like most red-blooded T's she had to ask me first why I was asking and what I knew about it already. For me, being able to use a technical term to help me contain my intense personal feelings removed me just enough that I was able to talk about it. Kind of like talking about yourself in 3rd person. That really, really helps me get stuff out. I have even used "hypothetical situations" to get stuff out there. You can also start off small - no need to throw the whole enchilada out there all at once. Admit to something less threatening first and work your way up to the harder stuff. I guess it depends on whether or not you are a dive right in the pool kind of person or more the take one step at a time so you can acclimate to the cold water bit by bit. I am definitely more of the second kind of person.

Welcome travelluvr. I can totally understand how you feel and how difficult and scary it is to bring up transference with your T. I had transference feelings for my T for around 8 months before I found the courage to talk to him about it. Actually, I was kind of forced to address it because I caught on that he was getting suspicious about my feelings for him. I had written a poem that I read to him that I felt was about my therapy journey but he took it as something more personal/romantic. This caused him to pull away from me and that upset me and I was afraid I ruined the relationship or that he would want to terminate me. And so I decided to confront him about it.

I brought it up by saying that there was an elephant in the room with us and if we don't talk about it then I would have to start bringing peanuts to feed him And my T said he didn't know there was an elephant and I said...he is very quiet but he's been here a long time. Then he said "well tell me about him" and I just said that I had been reading about transference and that I understood there were all different kinds, including negative transference. And I needed to tell him that I had feelings for him that were sometimes parental and sometimes very warm and affectionate (I chickened out on the word LOVE but I think he caught the idea LOL). And it turns out that I actually knew more than he did about erotic transference and I ended up lending him my book In Session by Deborah Lott (which I recommend you read to help you understand more about it). And so we talked about how I wanted to address this because I didn't want my unspoken feelings to cloud our therapy or cause it to breakdown in any way. I also assured him that I could contain my feelings and that I needed him to be my therapist more than I needed him to be anything else in my life and so I had no "agenda" to get him. And this was true. I need him as my T and this also allowed me to tell him how I feel and be honest without sounding like I was ready to seduce him. We talked about transference once or twice after that. Turns out I was his first case of transference and he got defensive because he was unprepared or because he just didn't know how to handle it. He has been pretty good about it since then. What happened is that we realized that aside from the transference feelings...he became my attachment figure and my secure base. I have an unsecure attachment from childhood and somehow because of the care and understanding that he provided me he became the caregiver I never had. So we have been focused more on his role as my secure base more than my transference.

If you are feeling uneasy about just talking about it you could write something down and then just go in and read it to him. Do it immediately when you walk in the door. Tell him you have something to discuss that is very difficult for you and you are afraid and need his help and understanding. The other option is to email him (if this is allowed) and give him a heads up and tell HIM to bring up the topic when you get there.

I wish you the best with this. It takes courage and strength to address this but if your T is a good one he will be able to handle it with kindness and empathy. I do think it's important that you do this soon as you don't have very many session left to process this. Is there any possibility that he could get your insurance company to grant you more sessions?

In any event, we are here to help and support you through this. This is a wonderful place to come for comfort and information. I'm glad that you found it.

True North