Welcome to the forum traveluvr!!
Glad to have you aboard our "Transference Train" Hope you have gotten as much good advice from my friends as I have! If it was me in your situation.....I would suggest just telling him that "Since I only have 4 sessions left there is something I need to discuss with you because I don't know how I'm going to handle it if I don't!" It may even be cause for him to get an extension on your sessions. I'm not sure, but it is worth a try. It may seem that it doesn't bother you now...but when you don't see him every week....look out...it's gonna hit you hard...Don't be afraid...discuss it straight out...chances are he already knows!!!...maybe there are others on the forum that have other suggestions...I know I was sorta in the same boat a few months ago...it didn't turn out like I wanted...but it was the best thing that could have happened...talk to you soon...and keep posting...we all are here to help each other!!
Talk to you later...C
Wow! The prompt responses are great. I'm not the only one home on a Friday night obsessing about obsessing ha ha!
I went through this back in July, my insurance stopped my sessions, and I acted all 'cool' at our last session, not knowing if I'd see him again. I bawled for days afterwards.
I could probably weasel another 5 sessions ($150/hr), however, I think I need to end this relationship. As much as I want to cling to him for dear life, I am concerned that its really unhealthy.
I loved the elephant/throwing peanuts at him analogy. I may use that line.
Yes, I think I need to just emotionally vomit it all over him. He MUST know.
We have an unusually close relationship. I do have his personal email, to his blackberry, when I went away for 2 months he asked me to keep in touch to 'see how I was doing'. I even got really drunk and emailed him at 4am a few weeks ago, pages of nonsense, and he never gave me crap about it. So I do realize there is more than a cold clinical thing. But I'm not stupid enough to think more.
I am scared to death about the 'breakup' feelings. The 'ending of the relationship'. He is my reason for being it feels. Every week on Thursdays I see him. It just IS.
I save it all up for him, I pre-plan what I'm going to say, wear, etc.
I love that I'm not alone, seriously. Thanks for the warm welcomes and understanding. My goal next week is to bring it up, first thing.
arg...i need SO much more than an hour!
I went through this back in July, my insurance stopped my sessions, and I acted all 'cool' at our last session, not knowing if I'd see him again. I bawled for days afterwards.
I could probably weasel another 5 sessions ($150/hr), however, I think I need to end this relationship. As much as I want to cling to him for dear life, I am concerned that its really unhealthy.
I loved the elephant/throwing peanuts at him analogy. I may use that line.
Yes, I think I need to just emotionally vomit it all over him. He MUST know.
We have an unusually close relationship. I do have his personal email, to his blackberry, when I went away for 2 months he asked me to keep in touch to 'see how I was doing'. I even got really drunk and emailed him at 4am a few weeks ago, pages of nonsense, and he never gave me crap about it. So I do realize there is more than a cold clinical thing. But I'm not stupid enough to think more.
I am scared to death about the 'breakup' feelings. The 'ending of the relationship'. He is my reason for being it feels. Every week on Thursdays I see him. It just IS.
I save it all up for him, I pre-plan what I'm going to say, wear, etc.
I love that I'm not alone, seriously. Thanks for the warm welcomes and understanding. My goal next week is to bring it up, first thing.
arg...i need SO much more than an hour!
travelluvr... I'm glad the posts were helpful to you. It's wonderful to have a solid connection with a T because it is truly the relationship that heals. Whatever happens in real life usually gets played out in therapy because therapy is a microcosm of real life.
What caught my eye was you saying that you are afraid the relationship is "unhealthy". I think you feel depending on him is unhealthy because you say you want to cling to him. This is really normal, especially if you have not had the kind of caring and support your T offers in in your childhood. Dependence is not always unhealthy and sometimes one needs to learn how to depend before they can learn to stand on their own. I know because I had this fear in the beginning of my therapy. I have since worked on this with my T and he now allows me to lean on him when I need to. I need to learn to step towards someone when I need something instead of running away or trying to handle everything alone as I was forced to do in childhood.
So perhaps in addition to the transference issue you could bring up your fear of being dependent on him and I would try (with his help) to wrangle some additional visits out of your insurance company because this may take more than 4 sessions to work on.
Please don't hesitate to ask any questions. We are here to help.
TN
What caught my eye was you saying that you are afraid the relationship is "unhealthy". I think you feel depending on him is unhealthy because you say you want to cling to him. This is really normal, especially if you have not had the kind of caring and support your T offers in in your childhood. Dependence is not always unhealthy and sometimes one needs to learn how to depend before they can learn to stand on their own. I know because I had this fear in the beginning of my therapy. I have since worked on this with my T and he now allows me to lean on him when I need to. I need to learn to step towards someone when I need something instead of running away or trying to handle everything alone as I was forced to do in childhood.
So perhaps in addition to the transference issue you could bring up your fear of being dependent on him and I would try (with his help) to wrangle some additional visits out of your insurance company because this may take more than 4 sessions to work on.
Please don't hesitate to ask any questions. We are here to help.
TN
True North,
That makes perfect sense too. I am extremely independent, on my own since 18, I'm a single mom, I have a career, and I had a horrid abusive childhood. I've never depended on anyone.
So yes, maybe you are right, I should allow myself to be OK with this.
So many things to discuss with him, why did I wait 27 visits to get real?? I may need some more you are right. However, when my last $$$ ran out he did offer to continue for free if I really needed it.
For the first time in weeks I feel like I'll be able to sleep better tonight, not so wound up about this 'transference' stuff.
Thank-you!
That makes perfect sense too. I am extremely independent, on my own since 18, I'm a single mom, I have a career, and I had a horrid abusive childhood. I've never depended on anyone.
So yes, maybe you are right, I should allow myself to be OK with this.
So many things to discuss with him, why did I wait 27 visits to get real?? I may need some more you are right. However, when my last $$$ ran out he did offer to continue for free if I really needed it.
For the first time in weeks I feel like I'll be able to sleep better tonight, not so wound up about this 'transference' stuff.
Thank-you!
travelluvr... I'm so glad you are feeling better. And I hope you sleep well.
I just want to add... and I don't know you and could be wrong... but perhaps since you had an abusive childhood then perhaps you also have attachment issues as well as the transference. If our caregivers who were supposed to protect us were the ones harming us it causes a child to develop an unsecure attachment which then causes all types of other problems in adulthood...things like depression, anxiety and the inability to trust and the inability to ask for real help when we need it. Moving toward someone and developing an intimate relationship (which is what happens in therapy) seems dangerous to us and we want to run from it or avoid it by keeping things light. Please feel free to disregard the above if it does not seem to apply. I just wanted to put it out there for you to consider.
If you thing this is something you want to explore do a google search on attachment theory or disorganized attachment. And then talk to your T about it.
He seems very willing to work with you and the fact that you have a strong connection is a very good thing and a basic step to real healing. I wish you all the best.
TN
I just want to add... and I don't know you and could be wrong... but perhaps since you had an abusive childhood then perhaps you also have attachment issues as well as the transference. If our caregivers who were supposed to protect us were the ones harming us it causes a child to develop an unsecure attachment which then causes all types of other problems in adulthood...things like depression, anxiety and the inability to trust and the inability to ask for real help when we need it. Moving toward someone and developing an intimate relationship (which is what happens in therapy) seems dangerous to us and we want to run from it or avoid it by keeping things light. Please feel free to disregard the above if it does not seem to apply. I just wanted to put it out there for you to consider.
If you thing this is something you want to explore do a google search on attachment theory or disorganized attachment. And then talk to your T about it.
He seems very willing to work with you and the fact that you have a strong connection is a very good thing and a basic step to real healing. I wish you all the best.
TN
travelluvr -
I wanted to add my welcome too. My transference involved my son's T who sort of became my T for a while. My son was referred to another T so I wasn't able to see her anymore. I talked with her about transference before and really didn't get a chance to "work through it" before our sessions ended.
I've been trying to work on it with a new T but it's been difficult and not at all the same experience as those who get to work through the transference with the object of that transference, if that makes sense.
I still see my son's T on occasion since she works at my son's school, we go to the same monthly parent support group, and we live in a small town. It is very hard to see her but maybe better than not seeing her at all, ever. I was able to talk to her a couple of weeks after our last session and got out a lot of my feelings. It was a great relief and helped some of the really painful feelings go away.
I've never depended on anyone either so it was quite a surprise when I started depending on her so much. And then when she wasn't there anymore, I really fell hard. I can't remember so many extreme emotions ever in my whole life. Thank God I found this board because I thought I was going crazy.
It is good to know you're not alone, you're not crazy, and there are at least a few people who understand what you're going through.
I grew up in a few different abusive households and what True North said is definitely true for me:
OW
I wanted to add my welcome too. My transference involved my son's T who sort of became my T for a while. My son was referred to another T so I wasn't able to see her anymore. I talked with her about transference before and really didn't get a chance to "work through it" before our sessions ended.
I've been trying to work on it with a new T but it's been difficult and not at all the same experience as those who get to work through the transference with the object of that transference, if that makes sense.
I still see my son's T on occasion since she works at my son's school, we go to the same monthly parent support group, and we live in a small town. It is very hard to see her but maybe better than not seeing her at all, ever. I was able to talk to her a couple of weeks after our last session and got out a lot of my feelings. It was a great relief and helped some of the really painful feelings go away.
I've never depended on anyone either so it was quite a surprise when I started depending on her so much. And then when she wasn't there anymore, I really fell hard. I can't remember so many extreme emotions ever in my whole life. Thank God I found this board because I thought I was going crazy.
It is good to know you're not alone, you're not crazy, and there are at least a few people who understand what you're going through.
I grew up in a few different abusive households and what True North said is definitely true for me:
quote:perhaps since you had an abusive childhood then perhaps you also have attachment issues as well as the transference. If our caregivers who were supposed to protect us were the ones harming us it causes a child to develop an unsecure attachment which then causes all types of other problems in adulthood...things like depression, anxiety and the inability to trust and the inability to ask for real help when we need it. Moving toward someone and developing an intimate relationship (which is what happens in therapy) seems dangerous to us and we want to run from it or avoid it by keeping things light.
OW
Again, dead on. I'm going to look up the attachment theory. I've got a 14 year history of depression (dysthymic with major depressive episodes) all tangled in with PTSD, all from my childhood. Nice mix, I know, but my T knows all this, his knows my past, so I'm sure none of this would come as a shock to him. He must realize he's a safe, compassionate 'father-figure' type to me, as well as all the other erotic-transfer stuff. Reading more and more about it, I'm really surprised he hasn't discussed it with me. I almost feel angry about it. He could have given me a heads up!
It's going to be so embarrassing bringing this up.
I woke up at 6:30am thinking about it. I really hope that discussing it with him and working on it makes the anxiety/pain of it end. It's very intense at the moment. I totally had the feeling of 'being in love' with him, but in reading all these articles, I realize now thats impossible. I don't know him, and I never really will.
He's got a PhD, had a fully paid scholarship and top honours, and is a prof at a local university as well. He MUST know where I"m at, which makes it more embarassing b/c I haven't said anything.
ramble ramble......
thanks
It's going to be so embarrassing bringing this up.
I woke up at 6:30am thinking about it. I really hope that discussing it with him and working on it makes the anxiety/pain of it end. It's very intense at the moment. I totally had the feeling of 'being in love' with him, but in reading all these articles, I realize now thats impossible. I don't know him, and I never really will.
He's got a PhD, had a fully paid scholarship and top honours, and is a prof at a local university as well. He MUST know where I"m at, which makes it more embarassing b/c I haven't said anything.
ramble ramble......
thanks
quote:Reading more and more about it, I'm really surprised he hasn't discussed it with me. I almost feel angry about it. He could have given me a heads up!
travelluvr
Wouldn't it be nice if we knew what we were getting into BEFORE we entered therapy? Of course if I knew before, I'm sure I would not have had the guts to start. Avoidance is my middle name.
Not everyone experiences transference. That doesn't mean that those of us who do are freaks. It is just the connection that a person makes with their T. And unless someone does experience it, I think they would have a hard time understanding it. If my T had told me that I was going to "fall in love" with her, I would have been on the first train out of there! How could she be so cocky and righteous to think I would have those kind of feelings for her!!! Well, I do. And it has been a rough road to where I am, and a long road to go.
My T waits for me to bring things up. She doesn't pressure me into things that I am not ready for. That's not to say she doesn't help me get a different perspective on things, or think of things in a different way. She gives me LOTS to think about and gently prods me when she can tell I'm just a little too afraid or nervous to go on. But if she had just blurted out this transference thing, YIKES!
Transference is hard, difficult, painful, embarassing......and normal.
It has taken me a long time to get to the "normal" realization. "Starting" to tell your T is the hardest part. I told mine that I knew what I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to say it. She gently helped me through it and guess what, she was so happy that I had finally told her. She was more concerned about how I had suffered so long, waiting to get up the courage to tell her. It isn't the information as much as it is the experience. These are feelings and emotions that were not satisfied when you were a child. Talking about them does not make them go away. You have to experience this with someone else, your T, and have him accept you, and not abandon you and validate those feelings.I would bet anything that he knows exactly where you are at, and he is patiently waiting for you to bring it up. Good luck, I will be cheering you on and waiting to hear how it goes.
PL
Traveluvr,
OW is so right about the trying to work it out with someone who is not the object of the tranference! I was so upset when my T refered me to another to work out my transference...it was devastating! First I had to spend time getting over that before I could start getting over him!!!..It is getting better though, but I still see him every week in the office...it's almost as if he plans it that way sometimes! I would suggest that you try to tell him and work it out with him....it has to be so much better that way. Good luck at your next session!! I missed my session last week and I feel like it has been a month. I can't wait to get back Tuesday. Yes, I still have very very very strong feelings for my old T...probably always will...but I am making progress and concentrating on my own marriage...let us know how it comes out...LOL..on paper, by mouth, whatever...just get it out!!!...it was the best advice I got from my friends here.
talk to you later, C
OW is so right about the trying to work it out with someone who is not the object of the tranference! I was so upset when my T refered me to another to work out my transference...it was devastating! First I had to spend time getting over that before I could start getting over him!!!..It is getting better though, but I still see him every week in the office...it's almost as if he plans it that way sometimes! I would suggest that you try to tell him and work it out with him....it has to be so much better that way. Good luck at your next session!! I missed my session last week and I feel like it has been a month. I can't wait to get back Tuesday. Yes, I still have very very very strong feelings for my old T...probably always will...but I am making progress and concentrating on my own marriage...let us know how it comes out...LOL..on paper, by mouth, whatever...just get it out!!!...it was the best advice I got from my friends here.
talk to you later, C
Hi Everyone, just wanted to talk about somethin really werid that happened in the last session i had. You all know how i recently told she T that i had wished she was my mother, and we sorted through it a bit. Well the feeling wasnt very strong anymore and was a bit easier to understand. Well i dont know whether to call it countertransference or a slip of the tongue but i was crying and upset and she T was trying to explain stuff to me, When usually she would say my name she called me Sweetie and at first i thought she was trying to be "genuine" whatever that is, but I looked her straight in the eyes as soon as she said it and all i could see was MISTAKE written all over her face. So i threw a pillow at her and told her not to get too personal. The thing is its stirred massive transference again and i cant deal with it cos she is referring me soon. What is She T doing to me??
someone help me make sense of this pls.
kit
Em
also wished it was genuine..
someone help me make sense of this pls.
kit
Em
also wished it was genuine..
Travelluvr,
Sorry it's taken so long to say welcome, I missed the thread. Not much to add, you've been getting great input from everyone. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and you've definitely found the right place to find people who understand about transference and attachment issues.
AG
emerald,
I would consider that the "sweetie" was very genuine, that your T absolutely meant it, but the slip was in saying it out loud. Ts are supposed to maintain a certain detachment to be able to help us and part of the boundaries is not being overly affectionate with us to not hold out a promise of a relationship they not they can't fulfill. But they're human, and I think often have very deep feelings for their clients. It may be that in her heart she thinks of you as "sweetie" but realized that she shouldn't have said it out loud, especially to a client struggling with transference, which is why you saw "mistake" all over her face.
If you can, I think you should talk to her about how you felt when she called you that. I know that if my T said something like that, it would be a very big deal for me.
And I understand how difficult it is to have her refer you, my T of 17 years retired three years ago because she decided to go back to school and she was giving up her clinical practice. It was a difficult ending but I will tell you that, even though I was also angry about her leaving, I was also very sure about her love for me. It was difficult for both of us to say goodbye. From where we sit it seems like their decision is about us, but the only thing we have to do with it is to make it more difficult for them to leave.
AG
Sorry it's taken so long to say welcome, I missed the thread. Not much to add, you've been getting great input from everyone. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and you've definitely found the right place to find people who understand about transference and attachment issues.
AG
emerald,
I would consider that the "sweetie" was very genuine, that your T absolutely meant it, but the slip was in saying it out loud. Ts are supposed to maintain a certain detachment to be able to help us and part of the boundaries is not being overly affectionate with us to not hold out a promise of a relationship they not they can't fulfill. But they're human, and I think often have very deep feelings for their clients. It may be that in her heart she thinks of you as "sweetie" but realized that she shouldn't have said it out loud, especially to a client struggling with transference, which is why you saw "mistake" all over her face.
If you can, I think you should talk to her about how you felt when she called you that. I know that if my T said something like that, it would be a very big deal for me.
And I understand how difficult it is to have her refer you, my T of 17 years retired three years ago because she decided to go back to school and she was giving up her clinical practice. It was a difficult ending but I will tell you that, even though I was also angry about her leaving, I was also very sure about her love for me. It was difficult for both of us to say goodbye. From where we sit it seems like their decision is about us, but the only thing we have to do with it is to make it more difficult for them to leave.
AG
Em,
Yeah it sounds like your T might have slipped a little with her emotions. Em, I am certain that this is an emotional process for her just as it is for you and if counter-transference is going to occur this would be a prime time for it. And CT is no more a dirty word than transference is. It happens, that is why they get schooled and supervised. BUT, I understand how dizzying it can be to experience such a slip. But one thing about this relationship is that it is repairable. I know you have little time left with your she T, but this does not sound like a terrible breech. You are of course wobbly and insecure because of the termination process. The fact that it stirred massive transference for you again is nothing to be ashamed of, but I am sure you wish you could just part with calmer emotions. But definitley communicate this to her. I think it was a genuine expression. It was a slip, not a violation.
My T slipped not that long ago and did something she is never inclined to do and we talked about it. We are good. She is human, she is fallible, and I am not injured. And trust me T's worry about injuring us when they slip.
I hope this helps bring a little comfort and relief to you. And remember to breathe.
Yeah it sounds like your T might have slipped a little with her emotions. Em, I am certain that this is an emotional process for her just as it is for you and if counter-transference is going to occur this would be a prime time for it. And CT is no more a dirty word than transference is. It happens, that is why they get schooled and supervised. BUT, I understand how dizzying it can be to experience such a slip. But one thing about this relationship is that it is repairable. I know you have little time left with your she T, but this does not sound like a terrible breech. You are of course wobbly and insecure because of the termination process. The fact that it stirred massive transference for you again is nothing to be ashamed of, but I am sure you wish you could just part with calmer emotions. But definitley communicate this to her. I think it was a genuine expression. It was a slip, not a violation.
My T slipped not that long ago and did something she is never inclined to do and we talked about it. We are good. She is human, she is fallible, and I am not injured. And trust me T's worry about injuring us when they slip.
I hope this helps bring a little comfort and relief to you. And remember to breathe.
I've been pondering this stuff for days. Emerald, I would be beside myself if my T called me sweetie, mind you, I would love it.
I'm going to post a response to an email I sent my T about 3 weeks ago. I was mad at him for saying something insulting about a friend of mine who is a bit of a porn addict, but also a teacher. He said "I wouldn't want someone like her teaching my kids". I LOST it on him via email and told him how inappropriate it was etc, and how I could easily be 'one of those people' etc. Here is his response. I KNOW I'm reading into it, but damn it was sweet:
OK. Thanks. You’re right – I shouldn’t have said that. And I’m glad you didn’t decide to just soak it up and not tell me. I’m not in a position to judge, at all. I’m sorry. Without getting mushy, I hope it’s clear to you that I think a lot of you, and that hasn’t changed since you first started to tell me stuff. I think the fact that you’re brave enough to recognise the destructiveness of that life for what it is, despite your attraction to it, makes me respect you all the more.
I'm going to post a response to an email I sent my T about 3 weeks ago. I was mad at him for saying something insulting about a friend of mine who is a bit of a porn addict, but also a teacher. He said "I wouldn't want someone like her teaching my kids". I LOST it on him via email and told him how inappropriate it was etc, and how I could easily be 'one of those people' etc. Here is his response. I KNOW I'm reading into it, but damn it was sweet:
OK. Thanks. You’re right – I shouldn’t have said that. And I’m glad you didn’t decide to just soak it up and not tell me. I’m not in a position to judge, at all. I’m sorry. Without getting mushy, I hope it’s clear to you that I think a lot of you, and that hasn’t changed since you first started to tell me stuff. I think the fact that you’re brave enough to recognise the destructiveness of that life for what it is, despite your attraction to it, makes me respect you all the more.
Travelluvr,
I think that is a SWEET response too. How loving and genuine and warm, and yet professional. You deserved that _and_ the apology and he felt comfortable enough to express it that way. It is exactly what it is and it is ok.
He sounds like a wonderful T and I am sure you will save that email for the rest of your life. I would ask to be buried with it.
I think that is a SWEET response too. How loving and genuine and warm, and yet professional. You deserved that _and_ the apology and he felt comfortable enough to express it that way. It is exactly what it is and it is ok.
He sounds like a wonderful T and I am sure you will save that email for the rest of your life. I would ask to be buried with it.
Just me: You got a good hearty laugh out of me with that one. If I'm still single when my burial time comes, I will make that request in my will. I have numerous other great emails from him as well, just the 'calming me down' ones. None of them were that sweet.
He better not wonder why I have a highschool crush on him, I'm still on the fence about spitting it out on Thursday. I want to but I don't. The fear of changing the dynamics of the relationship forever is huge.
Once its out there,...thats it. Right now I live in denial and perhaps he's more comfortable there too.
I think I only thought about him 47 times today...tomorrow I aim for 43.
He better not wonder why I have a highschool crush on him, I'm still on the fence about spitting it out on Thursday. I want to but I don't. The fear of changing the dynamics of the relationship forever is huge.
Once its out there,...thats it. Right now I live in denial and perhaps he's more comfortable there too.
I think I only thought about him 47 times today...tomorrow I aim for 43.
If you can get it that low, I beg of you share your secret!
traveluvr....I think that is a wonderful email and you seem to have a truly understanding T. I just wanted to say that I worried about the same thing you are... that my telling my T how I feel about him would change the dynamics of our relationship... which was already pretty darn good....and so I held back for a long time.
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference that after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold an clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read." That sort of put my worry into perspective.
The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... any maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
TN
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference that after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold an clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read."
That sort of put my worry into perspective.The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... any maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
TN
travelluvr....I think that is a wonderful email and you seem to have a truly understanding T. I just wanted to say that I worried about the same thing you are... that my telling my T how I feel about him would change the dynamics of our relationship... which was already pretty darn good....and so I held back for a long time.
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference then after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold and clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read." That sort of put my worry into perspective.
The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... and maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
Well, I finally HAD to tell him and despite him not having any experience with transference it did not change anything at all. We are closer than ever and the intimacy is even more intense. I remember sitting for sessions after I told him and staring him down, trying to catch any, tiny, mininscule expression of disdain or coldness or judgement. Nothing. I even gave him In Session to read about transference then after I did I was also freaked out about it thinking ... oh he's going to think I'm one of those extreme cases and he is going to go all cold and clinical on me. Well, that never happened either and some weeks later I confessed my fears about lending him that book and he smiled at me and said "you know there ARE other books out there on this subject that I could read."
That sort of put my worry into perspective.The reason I came clean about the transference feelings is because I was pretty sure he already knew how I felt about him and he was a bit unsettled about it and it was clouding our therapy. It had to be put out there for discussion and I knew he would never bring it up. I don't think any T would. And so it's up to us.
Good luck with your decision but I have a good feeling that if you do bring it up you will be very relieved with the outcome... and maybe even happy that it's now out there for discussion.
Hi Em...
I think what she is trying to do is let you know she has feelings for you too. Yes...it is counter-transference. You said she is referring you to another T? Why is she doing that? I'll check your previous posts, I may have missed something. Anyway...she may be trying to ease your transition and just let you know that she really does care.
However...I react to the word Sweetie. I don't like it...it sounds condescending to me but that is my problem. I would have responded differently to a different word there.
I think it's great that you threw a pillow at her!!! LOL...
Way to set your own boundary!!! That shows enormous strength, and possibly some anger about the referral?
Because you saw a reaction on her face...I think you have to talk to her about it and soon.
Do a summary on what you have gotten out of your time with her, what has been good, and what has not been so helpful. It will help her to help others and it will help you to move on.
I think what she is trying to do is let you know she has feelings for you too. Yes...it is counter-transference. You said she is referring you to another T? Why is she doing that? I'll check your previous posts, I may have missed something. Anyway...she may be trying to ease your transition and just let you know that she really does care.
However...I react to the word Sweetie. I don't like it...it sounds condescending to me but that is my problem. I would have responded differently to a different word there.
I think it's great that you threw a pillow at her!!! LOL...
Way to set your own boundary!!!
That shows enormous strength, and possibly some anger about the referral? Because you saw a reaction on her face...I think you have to talk to her about it and soon.
Do a summary on what you have gotten out of your time with her, what has been good, and what has not been so helpful. It will help her to help others and it will help you to move on.
I have been reading this thread and have noticed that many of you have been a bit focused on the erotic aspect of transference.
I have been experiencing some transference problems but they are not of that type. My T is specifically trying to hit my anger buttons, she wants me to be angry at her just to expose my anger at those who have caused me such pain. The problem for me...is that I know she is doing it and I won't play. She has actually told me that I MUST abuse her. What a strange conversation that has been.
Has anyone else had those types of transference issues in their therapy?
Just tossing out another question so that maybe we can be more aware of all kinds of transference.
I too want a "good mommy" and I'm aware of that. I don't see my T in that role but I think she sometimes wonders if I have that kind of transference issue with her. I don't believe that I do. In some ways she IS a lot like my mother. I don't think it is transference or projection. I just think she has some attributes that are strikingly similar to my mother. Nothing too deep about that...it just is. In a way it is easier to deal with my "mommy" issues because she is a lot like her and I don't have the conflict, that transference often illuminates. I dunno...what do you think?
I have been experiencing some transference problems but they are not of that type. My T is specifically trying to hit my anger buttons, she wants me to be angry at her just to expose my anger at those who have caused me such pain. The problem for me...is that I know she is doing it and I won't play. She has actually told me that I MUST abuse her. What a strange conversation that has been.
Has anyone else had those types of transference issues in their therapy?
Just tossing out another question so that maybe we can be more aware of all kinds of transference.
I too want a "good mommy" and I'm aware of that. I don't see my T in that role but I think she sometimes wonders if I have that kind of transference issue with her. I don't believe that I do. In some ways she IS a lot like my mother. I don't think it is transference or projection. I just think she has some attributes that are strikingly similar to my mother. Nothing too deep about that...it just is. In a way it is easier to deal with my "mommy" issues because she is a lot like her and I don't have the conflict, that transference often illuminates. I dunno...what do you think?