I've been seeing this male therapist in his 50's (I'm 26), and we hit it off right away. My sister was also seeing him separately from me (and still is), but we haven't discussed our problems with each other during sessions. So this man (I'll call him Richard) became like a father/uncle figure to me. I would look forward to sessions, and I loved sharing my problems with him, laughing together, and developing fun inside jokes. My real uncle died from suicide almost eight years ago, and he was also really cool and fun, although in a different way than Richard. Also, with Richard, I had the kind of intimacy and disclosure of personal stuff that I never had with my uncle.
So I enjoyed this bond with Richard until one day he sent me a text, saying that he won't be accepting HIP Medicaid anymore because they cut his rates, so I need to switch my insurance. That text felt like a kick in the gut because I faced the reality that our relationship was truly based on money, and Richard doesn't care about me as a human being. My mom and grandma also told me that if he valued me as a patient, he would make an exception and see me despite the reduced rate of HIP. I got very upset and felt betrayed and hurt. I realized that I mean nothing to Richard, and that I'm insanely jealous of his kids because he loves them in such a way that he could never love me.
I felt overwhelmed, so I called this therapist my sister used to see a few years ago (I'll call her Beatrice) and asked if I could see her. I told her about the whole issue with Richard, and she suggested I talk to him and tell him the full extent of my feelings. I wrote him a letter, and when Richard read it, he didn't respond in the way I was hoping. I wanted him to be gentle and understanding, to tell me how proud he is of me for taking such a risk. Instead, he was frustrated and upset about the way I thought of him as a greedy guy, who's only after money. He said that if I wasn't able to change my insurance, he would have made an exception and seen me anyway. And when I asked him how to go about resolving my transference, he acted like it was super normal and there's no need to do anything about it. As long as I'm not stalking him at his house or sending him declarations of love, it's OK to feel this attachment. I was pissed because of course it's all fine and dandy for Richard to have a girl like me admire him and look up to him, while I'm dying inside.
I went back to Beatrice, and she told me to talk to Richard another time and tell him that he hurt me by not giving me the response I wanted. I did that, and Richard said that the reason he responded that way was because he was hurt too at my assumption of him being only after money. He also said that he put a lot of time and energy into me, and would be upset if he lost me as a patient.
So we parted on OK terms, but I still wasn't sure if seeing Richard would hurt me more than it helped me. I told Richard I would call him, and after a month of debating and considering, I decided to part with Richard and see Beatrice.I worked with Beatrice on the Richard problem, as well as my other problems, and she advised me to write Richard a letter to get some closure and tell him I didn't leave because I was mad at him, and that I hope to see him again one day. Because Father's Day was coming up, I sent him a Father's Day e-card. I thought the worst that could happen was that Richard would say, "Thanks for the card, but it wasn't appropriate in the relationship you and I have." But he did even worse: he ignored me, leaving me clueless as to whether he appreciated my thought or was annoyed to get a card from me.
And now, for several months, I've been seeing Beatrice. I like her a lot: she's really kind and empathetic, smart, and a fantastic therapist. However, I miss Richard like crazy. I always think about him and how great it would be if I could go back to him and he could be part of my life again. What's stopping me is the fear that I'll get even more attached, and such an attachment can't be healthy because we can never have the relationship I long for. So I don't know what to do, and seeing as a lot of you on here have experienced transference, I decided to turn to you guys. Please let me know what you think (if you read this far without falling asleep
).
to the forum Black-tea!
I was sick of all this speculation, and figured that at least I'd see from his reaction if he wants to see me. Of course the proper thing to do was to call and make an appointment, but if I did that, Richard would know I was coming and be able to compose himself in time. Anyway, I went over to his office, and after waiting outside and debating about whether or not I should go in, I took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell.
So I waited, relieved that he didn't act cold or say, "Sorry, I can't see you without an appointment."
