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6 replies

Transference on therapist I know only socially.

C chrissyMember
Please help. I joined a foreign language reading group a couple of years ago and one of the members is a counsellor. I have psychological problems which she must have picked up on, as she has always been really kind to me at the group, and done her best to include me. This has made me feel valued. Earlier this year something upsetting happened at the group and she met me in a cafe locally to talk about it and she was so kind that I have fallen in love with her and can't get her out of my head. My feelings towards her are emotional and also sexual. Anyway, the reading group doesn't meet in summer, and I decided that I wouldnt return to it in the autumn so that i could get over her. I was just starting to feel a bit calmer when she wrote last week to say the next meeting would be next month. I was expecting to hear, so I had a reply planned. I wrote back to say that I was too emotionally messy to come back this year (to be honest, I doubt I will ever return) and needed time to sort myself out, that I would post back the book she lent me, that she was the kindest and nicest person I had ever met and that I hoped that the group would go well. I hoped that she would think that I would return next year (so wouldn't be too worried about me) and I had thought that there was nothing in my letter which would lead her to suggest meeting. However, she has written to suggest meeting again in the cafe and is saying don't I think that I might feel better to come to the reading group meeting in a month etc. I really don't want to meet her in the cafe or at the group, as my feelings towards her are so strong and I know that the only way I can get over her are to not be in touch. But I don't want to tell her that I am in love with her as it is too embarrassing, and she is married so wouldn't be interested anyway. I dont know how to get out of meeting her in the cafe. I don't want to hurt her feelings by not going, but I really can't handle going. Can anyone think of a way for me to tell her I can't come without having to tell her I love her and without hurting her feelings?
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ButterflyButterflyMember
Hi Chrissy,

I can understand this is an awkward situation for you. However I think it would be helpful to be honest with her. If you find it too hard to say outright how strong your feelings are for her, perhaps you could tell her in a toned down way what she means to you. As a counsellor, and as your friend, hopefully she would understand what is going on for you and be able to help you through it. It sounds like she really cares about you and wants the best for you. I have been away from my T for nearly a year and I feel just as strongly about her now, so I wonder if cutting yourself off completely will really relieve the pain? It also seems a shame for you to miss out on the reading group because of this. Have you had these kind of feelings before?

If you really don't want to go to the meeting, then I am sure she would understand that you have your reasons for not wanting to meet at the moment and wouldn't hold it against you.

I'm sorry the meeting is causing you so much worry and that you are hurting so much. This probably hasn't been much help. Let us know what you decide to do.

Hugs
Butterfly
C chrissyMember
Hi Butterfly,
Thank you for your really kind reply.
To be honest, I would find it impossible to tell her how I feel about her. It would be too embarrassing. I emailed her on Tuesday night and said that I have a reason for not coming to the group, but that I couldn't write about it. I also said that I couldn't talk about it, and that I couldn't meet her, because if I met her she would be kind to me, and I would be unable not to talk about it, so I couldn't meet her. I said I want to meet her, but I can't. I thanked her for being so nice and told her she is the nicest person in the world. I asked if I could email her sometimes. I went on to say that I hope to return in future and that I hope time will sort things out,and that I could post back her book incase it takes a long time for me to return. She hasn't written back and now I am worried that maybe she hates me or something.
ButterflyButterflyMember
Hi Chrissy,

I too find it difficult when people are especially nice to me. Can I ask, are you in therapy at the moment? If you are, I think it would be really useful to talk about how it feels when someone offers you kindness and your responses to it. I think that this therapist will understand from your email that you want to see her but you are really finding it difficult and I am sure she won't hold this against you! My guess is that she hasn't had a chance to reply yet, or she may be giving you a little space, sensing your distress at the prospect of meeting up, but I am sure she doesn't hate you.

I hope you hear from her soon!

Hugs
Butterfly

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