Hello
I don´t know what to do. I am really scared. Transference SCARES me!

I have experienced transference several times. But I didn´t know what it was until recently.
The first time I was 13 or 14 and felt that I was in love with my teacher.
I had always been emotionally isolated. My mother had her personal reasons not to get attached to me. Through the years I have tried to understand why. I have never been able to discuss this with her, but have collected bits and pieces of my story, from what I have heard her and other people say. And I understand that she was in a bad situation.

But it still hurts. It hurts to know that when she gave birth to me, she decided not to seek medical help, she was alone. „Unfortunately“ my aunt came to her house and heard the babys cry and called the midwife. Sometimes I wonder what my mother had planned.
I have some childhood memories that show me I wasn´t cared for. I learned that it was best not to count on anyone. When I was two, my mother married my stepfather and for him I was a burden. He never said a single word to this unwanted child. In a year they had a little boy and later a girl. I lived with them, but was not part of the family. To protect myself I had to isolate, be good, quiet and invisible.
I didn´t get the love I needed.

When men with poor ethics showed me some interest I did everything they wanted me to do, just for a little affection. First time when I was six.... he was a coach at children's leisure group. It lasted one summer... then on and on, different men different times.

In my preteen years I became very frustrated, I hated this world. I had often tried to kill myself before, but now it became more frequent. I often spent the night on the streets, stole money from my „parents“ and didn´t respect anyone or anything. When my mother tried to control my behaviour by locking me up, I kicked her, hit her, bit and screamed at her all the worst words I knew. I went out anyway and thought „she has never really cared, she can´t control my life now“

I think the first transference experience started when this had been going on for some time. At a parents meeting in my school when I was 13. We sat there, me, my mother and my teacher. The teacher started the meeting by telling my mother what a great student I was. Good grades and always polite and quiet in class. My mother started to cry, and said it was like he was talking about another child... she told him her side of what was going on at home. They sent me out of the room and talked for a while.

The next day the teacher asked me to talk to him after class. He said he had noticed that I did´t spend any time with the other children, that I was alone during breaks and didn´t join any after school activity. He said he wanted to help me connect with the other children. He cared, and it ment so much to me.
But I didn´t know what to do with this attention, and I didn´t know the language of care. That´s what Freud called Transference, but then I didn´t know that. I felt that I was in love. But also felt that this was something I wasn´t supposed to feel. I felt that this was wrong, I felt that I was doing something wrong.

I couldn´t really talk to the teacher, but thinking about him made me feel so good. I started collecting data, everything I could possibly find out about his life. I also wrote poems about my feelings, and stories about my fantasies (one of them even won the short stories competition at my school, what on earth were the grown ups thinking?). I felt I had to walk by his house every night, some days I walked back and forth the road he drove home from work, several times I ate a lot of pills and drank everything I knew that was toxic at my house just so he could send me sick home from school, I even called him when I felt so bad that I was about to explode, could´t say anything on the phone but the sound of his voice comforted me.
Wow what a hunger!

At this time I often ran away from home and spent days on the streets. Twice I spent the night at his house, but he brought me back home in the morning as the police was looking for me.

This was in the eighties and the media was full of new information about the importance of counseling for victims of sexual abuse. They said „you have to tell someone“. I really wanted to trust him.
I don´t know why I decided to tell him about the abuse it was really difficult.
But his reaction turned the transference off , instantly.
He told me that teenage girls often lie about sexual abuse.

I can understand that I wasn´t very reliable at that time, and I had done a lot of things I should´t have done. But those words really cut my heart. I never talked to him again.

I kept on letting men abuse me sexually. When I was 16 I was sent to the countryside. The farmer, 43 year old married man, father of four. „visited“ me every night for the whole summer and when I went home at fall he kept on until my shrink had me filed in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I was at the psychiatry for a week or two. In my files they wrote „It is good that (name) knows that what she is doing is wrong“

At 17 I moved abroad I remember the staff on Heathrow airport not knowing what to do with this teen entering the country. Later I married a violent man and in my final attempt to divorce him I lived at a women shelter for months, with my daughter. At the shelter I got a lot of help. Especially from one of the counselors there. And gradually I learned to trust her. There my second transference began. It was really deep, until she said we had crossed some lines, should stop. It ended with deep emotional pain. And now I know that it would´t have happened if she had been trained to deal with transference issues.

Later I had minor transference with my doctor at my health clinic and a nurse at the mental ward. I didn´t grow out of that, all my transferences have ended badly, and hurt me deeply.

I´ve been working with my P for the last 3 years. Last spring, after 2 and half years of therapy, I started transfering. Unconsciously my brain and heart had started the transference. I remember the moment I realised it was happening once again. I was Devastated! Even tough I felt my heart was full of the wonderful feelings of love and care, I felt so ashamed.
She, the wonderful person she is, had done everything she possibly could to help me out of my endless road of depression, anxiety and BPD. Week after week, for years, she showed me that she cared, by empathy and warmth, didn´t judge my actions and told me everything I did was normal because of my conditions.
It must have been draining for her. Trying her hardest to treat me, but I kept repeting the same pattern over and over again. Didn´t have the energy to do anything, often incapable of leaving my bed, could´t handle my feelings, sometimes I was completely numb emotionally and many times my emotions felt so bad that I tried to get rid of them by suicidal acts or self harming behaviour.
But she stood by my side through it all.
I didn´t want the transference process to start all over again. With my prior experience I knew transference had to many cons. But I went through with it, and my P knows . We sometimes discuss it and she knows that I google her and collect data about her and her family.
I´ve grown a lot in this process. Depression and anxiety have decreased and my self esteem slowly grows. It´s long time since I had to be admitted to the psychiatry, exept for this summer when my P was on vacation.
Now I fear that my P thinks we should reduce therapy. I have always seen her once a week, more often when needed. The last sessions have been two weeks apart. And i´m not really handling it. I feel very insecure, sad and lonely. Sometimes I want to use my old methods of self harm to cope with those difficult feelings. I try to tune out, lock her out. I don´t want to love her anymore, but I do...
It is more difficult now when I see her this seldom. I can´t get her out of my head. I think too much about her and in my fantasies I let her comfort me. I search photos of her on the internet and sometimes it makes me feel better to look at them for a while, despite the guilt. Her husband is an active blogger and I check his blogg almost every day. I don´t want to be like this forever. How can I grow out of this???
I hope somebody here can tell me that I will. Has anyone here ended transference „the right way“? Please share your story. I really want this to be my last transferens experience and I hope that if I will work through this I won´t have to do it ever again.

Transference really scares me. I´m scared of what can happen.
In august last year a young man (23) killed the boyfriend of his girl-friend since childhood. When he was 9 he experienced a trauma, when his father shot himself in the head at their home. The boy isolated himself from the world, but it seems like he has been able to talk about his experience to this girl, and she became very dear friend to him.
He lived in his own computer world, and two years ago he posted a intimate love confession for this girl on youtube. Many young people watched the video and laughed at this „crazy guy“
The girl didn´t love him but he couldn´t stop thinking about her.
I wonder if something similar to transference happened. What do you think?

Can the deepest transference make you a murderer?
The video he posted(icelandic) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...-V7c&feature=related