transference rollercoaster

janedoeMember

I am on a transference rollercoaster with my T. Over the past couple of weeks I have had two dreams where I was dating my T. I think it was mostly about feeling comforted. In my waking hours, I didn’t feel really any attraction to my T – but I felt something else. It seemed to go away last week. I have no idea what or what changed. I just went back to how I felt before – safe yet struggling to trust, somewhat ok and somewhat nervous about trying to talk with my T. Last night I had a nightmare about her. In the dream, I showed up for my session with her and she said I was a burden and she felt bad ever trying to help and we had to end therapy. It was a crummy dream. I think the dream stemmed from my fear about rejection and my struggle to take my T at her word and trust that she really is glad to be doing therapy with me. I can handle rejection – it’s the acceptance right now that seems so hard.

I have two T’s that I see every week, and this week I saw them both on the same day – today. (It was just how the scheduling worked out.) I got nervous and clammed up before my session today with the T that I have been having all this transference stuff come up with and I almost canceled. I have never canceled on her before, and honestly I went just because it would have been crummy to cancel with such short notice. She said that once or twice it would be ok to do, she understands that things come up, but still, I didn’t want to just leave her hanging. I tried to sort out my thoughts about what to talk about and work on, and my mind just kept getting worked up and it all just was one big jumbled up mess that made me want to run from her and therapy in general. I put that away and decided today’s goal would be to just show up, just as I am. I did. I talked some about some hard things, but in the end, it wasn’t the content of what we talked about that really felt important today. It just felt important to just come and be and to try to be just as I am with her – and just practice that. I felt silly… and yet kept reminding myself of what my T has said before… that she really appreciates the times where I just come and work on trying to slow down and just be in relationship with someone and be mindful and present… So that’s what I tried to do today. I tried to avoid attempting to "fix" everything (which I can do in a very type A almost obsessive way) or even process things in my life much… I tried to just talk and be present and as authentic as I could be in the present moment…

It ended up being a really good session. But now I’m feeling all kinds of transference stuff in a totally different way. I totally want to be around her. Ack! Just this morning I totally wanted to run away from her - and now, I can hardly wait until my next appointment with her. I just want off this rollercoaster ride - or at least stand still with one feeling for more than a few hours.

Has anyone else had feelings about their T change pretty fast?

~ jd

5/17/116:02 PM

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yakusokuMember

quote:
I tried to sort out my thoughts about what to talk about and work on, and my mind just kept getting worked up and it all just was one big jumbled up mess that made me want to run from her and therapy in general.

Jane, this is pretty much my standard coming-into-therapy session experience.

quote:
But now I’m feeling all kinds of weird transference stuff in a totally different way. ugh. I like totally want to be around her. Ack! Just this morning I totally wanted to run away from her - and now, I can hardly wait until my next appointment with her.

And this is my standard leaving therapy (I call it separation anxiety) feeling.

It is very confusing. I'm guessing to do with the disorganized attachment stuff, at least in my case. I'm glad you were able to connect and have a just-being-you session and feel good about it. I find when I come in feeling like you describe and can't manage to feel connected and present with my T that my panic on leaving, my need to be with him more, is much higher, sometimes almost intolerable.

In my case, yeah, I think it is normal for these feelings about our Ts to go through very extreme changes, very quickly and very often. There are a lot of different parts (I'm trying to get used to using this word with T without it feeling like I'm suggesting a diagnosis, but more just how I experience myself internally) who have very divergent opinions about approaching T. Last night's session, we spent a good amount of time trying to figure out how the needy parts that want to approach him can be safe without retaliation from the parts who punish those desires with painful messages about it being impossible, pointless, not welcome, disgusting, burdensome, etc. until the little, needy parts are basically bloody, bruised, crying in aloneness and feeling hopeless that they can ever be loved. Yet, they don't stop wanting my T. As soon as they surface again, I'm back to that desperate need. I don't know if your experience is like mine at all, but that's kind of the way I'm looking at it. T was trying to get me to put Jesus on the side of the needy parts and asking if there are things that we can do that distance ourselves from God's help managing those feelings. I feel like there is a "right" answer he is expecting, so I don't think I'll be able to give him any reply to that...

Anyway, I'm sorry the transference is feeling like a rollercoaster right now. It's like you're on it for a while and you're fine, but when it pulls back to the beginning of the ride, something's wrong with the bar that locks you in and they just make you stay on the damn thing all day, until you are sick, tired and miserable.

5/17/116:29 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

Jane,
First may I say how amazing you really are doing? I know because the emotions are so overwhelming and confusing that you keep assuming that you're not doing well, but your growth and progress are really clear. You're working really hard and I believe, doing what you need to in order to heal. I LOVED that you just showed up. In some ways the whole point of therapy is learning to be present, that we do NOT have to avoid places and things that can trigger us, that we can learn to handle our emotions as they change. So yay you!

As far as your feelings changing so rapidly, it sounds very much like my experience. I would leave a session feeling secure, loved and safe and missing my T terribly and within 24 hours I could be in a panic convinced he was fed up, frustrated and wanted to me rid of me in the worst way. I'd be counting the minutes between appts, and then about 24 hours before the appointment I would start dreading having to go. That's what was so damned confusing. I was often simultaneously trying to run away while freaking that he would leave me. I honestly couldn't tell what was harder sometimes, getting closer or moving away. I would get triggered in both directions. Move too close and it would feel dangerous and I would be waiting to get hurt, abused and violated. That I couldn't trust his trustworthiness. Move away and I dreaded abandonment, that I would be left alone.

For me, there just was no safe place. I was either on my own with no way to get my needs met, or I moved closer and was overrun. So it made sense to me (eventually) that nothing really felt safe.

I also think the "switching" in our feelings has to do with the fact that as children we often "split" our parents into good and bad. My T and I discussed a number of times that I disassociated in order to keep my father as "good." This led to self states that knew Dad was dangerous and others that knew Dad was the only source of affection and comfort. As we struggle to integrate, and allow these feelings and self-states to surface, we can bounce between them pretty rapidly.

Which is all my long winded way of saying that what you're experiencing sounds pretty normal to me. But as always consider the source.

5/17/117:20 PM

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