Hi Pippi.
I'm sorry to hear that your transference talk did not go well. I hope that you have stopped beating yourself up for not being able to express yourself.. It is hard for me too !! We are so hard on ourselves and the topic of transference is SO hard and scary..
The fact that your P didn't seem to make much of an effort to help you either.. maybe this says that he feels uncomfortable with the topic as well ?

ay I suggest something ? What if you call your P's receptionist and ask them to reschedule your next appt earlier.. at least in a month, like he said? I'm not sure if there was a reason why you were scheduled for 6 weeks, instead of 4 weeks, but if it was an oversight or misunderstanding, I'm sure you can get that appt earlier.. It's true the wait causes more anxiety because you so desperately are keeping what you want to say inside.. I don't know you might find too that as time goes by that it might all tone down.. We are all so different..



Take Care, Flicka

I am working on not beating up myself over it but have not acomplished that yet.

My P is actually pretty comfortable with talking about transference and letting me know how he feels about me when he thinks it will help me. I think the big deal is that he knows a lot about how I feel from stuff that I have written. But he wants me to say it. I keep getting told by other therapists that I email for advice that the therapy part that will help me work through it is actually being able to say it. I dont think that will ever work.

I have emailed my P twice and he finally answered the second email which made me feel somewhat better. I told him that I feel like I should give up on even trying to talk about it and maybe therapy all together. I also told him that I felt like I was always screwing it up and that it wasnt worth it anymore and that I wasnt worth it anymore and he should give up too.
He basically told me that he wasnt giving up, that I am not screwing up because he feels like I am still getting better and making progress because even though I barely talked last time it was still more than I was saying a year ago. I guess he is right. But he also said he really couldnt talk to me about this stuff outside of therapy.

I wrote him back and asked him about coming in sooner than 6 weeks so I will just have to wait and see what he says. I usual have a month between appointments because I cant really afford more sessions. But also because he is my psychiatrist but he is the kind that also does some therapy.

My P tells me the way he feels about me but he is also very straight forward about how he doesnt feel. He tells me he doesnt love me except for as a patient and as a christian loves everyone. But that he does care about me and likes having me as a patient. He also will tell me that he does have strong feelings such as the love described above but that he doesnt want to be my lover or my dad like I want him to be and that nothing can ever happen between us, but that he will always be there for me and help me.

Him telling me that is the way he feels about me does help me and make me feel better about our relationship and lets me know I can trust him to tell me the truth whether I want to hear it or not.

I guess Ill give it another try next session and hopefully it will go better. But at least him responding to the email helped because he usually won do that.

Hi Pippi.
I am so happy for you that expressing your T to your P turned out so well and that it strengthened your relationship ..I agree with Summer, your P sounds really great.

I hope you can get your appt rescheduled to sooner and wish you the best on being able to express your feelings verbally next time. One small step at a time..

Best, Flicka

Hi Summer.

I found your post highly interesting.. I didn't think there was anyone who had a T that
experienced Counter Transference.. Is this what your T said he had for you ? What kind of feelings did he admit to you? How does he resolve them? I can only imagine that your feelings intensified so much that you almost left therapy. I think I would be inclined, to as well! It's hard enough!!! I'm glad that it turned out to be healing for you !!!

My T denied any feelings towards me and maybe that's for the best..I don't know. If he feels
uncomfortable with expressing it or feels like it wouldn't be good for him or me to express it to me, I will have to trust him on that.. We are all human.. I don't know if things will change about me wanting to express my Transference.. it may come down to my feelings just becoming so transparent and obvious that it cannot be ignored!!! I am REALLY hoping that my feelings do subside down to a level where they do not show and I've got a good understanding about why they are there.. I mean, I think anyone would be naturally endeared or fall in love with someone who has listened to your most deepest thoughts and feelings without judgement, criticism, laughing... someone who also has who has given you undivided attention,help,support,encouragement.. it's a no brainer LOL


I agree with you that the mental torment has been worse than the emotional torment!!!

Yes, try the rubber band for a day and see if it helps. I used to just use thought stopping but it didn't work way as well. When you pull the rubber band (gently) against the back of your hand you will feel a slight stinging.. Your mind then goes to that feeling, which then distracts you from your thoughts/feelings about your T.. Do as often as you notice you thinking about hin and as the days go by you will find you are snapping it less.. By now, I know that there is nothing we can do to completely stop these feelings, so I just accept them, but I know that I can manage and control them in frequency.. so they don't cause mental torment. I think it's also good to mentally know after you snap the band and say "Stop it! That's enough for today!" why you are saying it.. it's for my own good.. I mean if nothing is to
happen between me and my T. and I understand that the relationship is not based on reality but idealization and fantasy, why, allow all this torment and pain!? Therapy is a strange beast.. I, personally, can't wait until it is over! It's been both a blessing and a curse!

ps. On a lighter note, I really wish there was a horse Avatar available.. somehow seeing the Mona Lisa and my signature name seems.. not quite right! LOL OK, I will live with it!

Best, Flicka

Damn, doctors actually know what they are talking about it. Talking about the transference actually does help. I finally saw my psychiatrist after 6 weeks of not seeing him and going crazy and had an amazing session.

I wouldnt start the conversation so he started out by asking how I felt about him since we had a few small talks on transference and he wanted to know if I hated him and was tired of him yet. I said no and he was like "damn youre not better yet, when you hate me then we will know you made some progress." It makes it easier when he starts off joking around. I told him I would never hate him or be tired of him and that I felt the same way about him that I have for the last 10 years. Which he should know means I love him.

He then out of nowhere started asking questions about my relationship with my dad. That is the one subject I have avoided at all costs, but this time for some reason I just started answering his questions. Then he asked what I was thinking. I didnt want him to ask that right then cause I was thinking about having sex with him which is what I usually think about when dealing with hard stuff. I wasnt real specific or gave details. I just said "I am thinking about things that I am not suppose to be thinking about." He asked who they had to do with and I said "you." And then we really got into the transference stuff.

I talked more during this session than I had ever talked and he actually could tell what I was feeling just by looking at me. That has never happened before in all the years I have been seeing him. To keep from feeling things I act crazy and bullshit around. I am not sure why I chose not to do it this time but I didnt and it was the best decision I have ever made.

I never let people know how I feel and it gave me such a safe feeling to know that he knew exactly what I was feeling and basically what I was thinking and didnt talk about not seeing me or being mad at me. And when I looked into his eyes after awhile of staring out the window trying to avoid any and all eye contact while I talked about being in love with him, all I could see is that he really does care about me and wanted to be there for me and help me. It was the most amazing feeling ever!

At the end he told me that was the first time he had ever really known how I felt during a session and felt connected to me through that. He did say that I wasnt real specific about what I was thinking when I said I was thinking about stuff I wasnt supposed to be. I didnt think I was suppose to. If I would have done that then when he asked me how I felt about him I would of had to say " I am thinking that you should just let me show you how I feel by letting me give you a blow job because it would be a lot easier to show you than to explain it.

My old therapist told me that I should be specific about the details about what I am thinking and feeling, even the sexual details because it will show me that I can tell him everything. So now that I know I am suppose to be that honest I will give him the exact details next time. I just hope he can handle it.

The only weird thing about the session was the fact that during parts of the session I was dissociating. I have never done that during a therapy session. It usually just happens when I am cutting. I didnt tell my psychiatrist that was happening because I didnt even know how to explain what was going on. I think I will have to bring that up next time I talk to him because I dont know if that is normal or if that is suppose to happen or what to do when it is happening. And next session he is expecting me to start the conversation instead of just answering the questions he asks.

Why is it when you get one thing down and do a good job at one thing the therapist wants to turn around and make things just a little harder right away? Cant they just let you be happy and comfortable for awhile before trying to change things on you. But either way I feel so good right now about how everything went. And by the time I left the session I wasnt even thinking about having sex with my P, I was thinking more of him like a father and a friend than anything else. And usually when I leave all I can think about is having sex with him. But thats because I usually dont talk like I did yesterday.

So they are actually right when they saying talking about the transference and the feelings and thoughts actually helps it get better!

Wow, Pippi, that sounds like such an amazing day. Congratulations on making such progress in a session. Your P also sounds great! It is really hard work to be that open, but I have found myself also feeling so connected during the times I have been able to be so honest and open. I am happy for you that you were able to find that for yourself.

I agree that it would be better that Ps/ts would maybe give us a break for a bit when we reach a high. . .just for a bit a least so we can enjoy the comfort in reaching something new. Its great to make progress and all, and I think their goal is to keep us all on that line of progress, but sometimes progress requires staying in the same place!

Good luck

whereami

Oh, Pippi, I'm SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you! You're courage is so evident in your story, and I'm so glad you were able to experience this with your P.

quote:

Damn, doctors actually know what they are talking about it.

LOL

quote:

I never let people know how I feel and it gave me such a safe feeling to know that he knew exactly what I was feeling and basically what I was thinking and didnt talk about not seeing me or being mad at me. And when I looked into his eyes after awhile of staring out the window trying to avoid any and all eye contact while I talked about being in love with him, all I could see is that he really does care about me and wanted to be there for me and help me. It was the most amazing feeling ever!

How rewarding Pippi! To look at him and know that he was right there with you... attuned and supportive... it must have been so validating!

quote:

My old therapist told me that I should be specific about the details about what I am thinking and feeling, even the sexual details because it will show me that I can tell him everything. So now that I know I am suppose to be that honest I will give him the exact details next time. I just hope he can handle it.

From what you say about him, I'm sure your P will be able to handle it. He knows how hard it is for you to be honest like that- I don't think he would jepordize that by over reacting.

quote:

The only weird thing about the session was the fact that during parts of the session I was dissociating. I have never done that during a therapy session. It usually just happens when I am cutting. I didnt tell my psychiatrist that was happening because I didnt even know how to explain what was going on. I think I will have to bring that up next time I talk to him because I dont know if that is normal or if that is suppose to happen or what to do when it is happening.

I definitely think you should tell your P next time, like you said. I'm not sure if it's common or not, and I'm not sure what to do about, but I think it is important for him to know. And if you don't mind my asking, what did that feel like for you in session? I'm having some strange experiences in sessions with my t... and I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me!

quote:

And by the time I left the session I wasnt even thinking about having sex with my P, I was thinking more of him like a father and a friend than anything else. And usually when I leave all I can think about is having sex with him.

I think this is HUGE Pippi! It might even be worth telling your p about. I just hope that you can hold onto this... and I don't mean so you won't think about having sex with him again, but so that you can know where being vulnerable with him can take you. Hopefully it will get less and less scary if you can remember where you might go with him AFTER you talk... less unexpecteed I guess.

Again Pippi, I'm so happy for you and proud of you for being so brave even thought you were WAY out of your comfort zone!

-CT

Thanks. It was really great. But for a long time I tried to use the excuse that doctors dont know what they are talking about or what they say just doesnt apply to me, guess I cant use that anymore.

I think my P will be able to handle any details I give him and I think I am going to do it next time. It will still be hard, I saw a picture of him on the internet this morning and looked in his eyes on the computer and started thinking how I could ever be that honest while sitting there looking at him. How could I ever look him in the eyes and tell him I want to fuck him right now. But I used to think that about the stuff I told him last time, so I will find a way to do it.

For me dissociating feels like kind of an out of body experience. I know what I am saying and doing but its like Im kind of watching myself do it instead of being there inside of myself doing. Its almost like I am on the outside maybe even looking in a window watching what is going on. Things start feeling hazy and and I even feel numb. Its the feeling that I have always longed for when I am cutting because I get the numb feeling to block out the anxiety, anger or depression and it its like I am no longer in me dealing with the problems going on, I can just watch from a distant. I just didnt expect it to happen during a session and almost wish it hadnt.

But you are right, I probably should tell him what happened with that. I told my old highschool psychologist what happened and explained it to him and he told me that I was dissociating and it was probably because I was doing something that was hard and scary for me and something that I didnt really want to have to do so my body used its normal defense that it does when I encounter difficult situations. It made more sense when he explained it. He said that I did good by not completely dissociating which could have happened if I wouldnt have pushed through and did what I needed to do.

yeah, the part about not thinking about having sex with him is huge. I was thinking about telling him next appointment about it and see what he thinks. Today I have been thinking about having sex with him but I am dealing with some difficult stuff that has to do with my four year old daughter and I so bad want to just call him and tell him what I am thinking and feeling just so that it will stop and so I can get some advice about my daughter. They told me yesterday they want to put her on medication for bipolar and I am so confused about whether to let them or not. My first instinct is to say no way.

quote:

I am dealing with some difficult stuff that has to do with my four year old daughter ... They told me yesterday they want to put her on medication for bipolar and I am so confused about whether to let them or not. My first instinct is to say no way.

Pippi, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. Four is so young and I certainly understand your reservations about medication. I can only imagine how you must be struggling with this decision. I hope that your p can offer you some help with this.

quote:

For me dissociating feels like kind of an out of body experience. I know what I am saying and doing but its like Im kind of watching myself do it instead of being there inside of myself doing. Its almost like I am on the outside maybe even looking in a window watching what is going on. Things start feeling hazy and and I even feel numb. Its the feeling that I have always longed for when I am cutting because I get the numb feeling to block out the anxiety, anger or depression and it its like I am no longer in me dealing with the problems going on, I can just watch from a distant. I just didnt expect it to happen during a session and almost wish it hadnt.

Thanks for sharing this with me. I really appreciate your explanation of what this experience is like for you. I really think you were very courageous in your last session- I hope you know that. Keep us informed! Is it another 6 weeks before your next session?

-CT

Actually this time it is two days less than a month. My P always tells me to come back in a month and it just depends on when the secretary sets it up for, so it was her fault last time that it was six weeks. But this time time she had an opening for two days before I should come and so that is what I got. I am really excited about that and am so ready to try to work on more hard stuff. I am counting down the days and tomorrow will actually be one week since i saw him so just a few more weeks and I can see him again

quote:

Originally posted by pippi:
My P always tells me to come back in a month ...

That just seems so foreign to me. I see my T twice a week, and I still go crazy for the couple of days in between. How do you stand it?

It is hard to deal with sometimes. I would love to see my P more often, I really wish I could see him a couple times a week or at least once a week. I was complaining to my old high school psychologist about not seeing my P more often and feeling like I needed to and he told me that it was probably better right now for me to have the month between appointments. He said because I am working on really hard stuff I need that time to think about what happened and deal with it. And my P is always available if I really needed him. I could call him and tell him I need to come in sooner and he wouldnt tell me no. And I also bug him through texting and emails. I actually have found a reason to text him almost every day since my last appointment. But have been good about no phone calls yet. But then about two or three weeks after the appointment I kind of calm down knowing that I am closer to seeing him again and will stop texting and calling so much. He gets mad at me for the texting too much but I figure he can get over it. I decided that if I have to deal with the feelings of going crazy because of the transference all by myself then he can deal with the texting and emails and being mad at me and get over that on his own.

Pippi

When you say he gets mad about the texting how does he express it?

There are a few different ways he expresses it. Sometimes I piss him off enough to yell at me a little. But the good thing is I know with him that when I make him mad, no matter how mad he gets, he still cares and will be there for me. He expresses it much like a parent would towards a child who has done something wrong and something that the child has been told over and over again not to do. But in the end he always lets me know everything is okay. And him expressing it to me actually helps because I know he still cares no matter what I do and isnt going to leave me just so I screw up. And sometimes I think I make him mad on purpose just to get that feeling.