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Yikes, is this not the right kind of forum for my post? I am a little embarrassed because this is the first time I've ever told anyone these things. I didn't think a medical doctor issue would be that different from a therapist?
It is okay, heartlamp, it is just the right sort of thing to post here, stuff about transference and the tangle we can get in around it. I was smiling with recognition when I read your post and found it really sweet too - all very common thoughts and feelings I think. I too get stuck on father figure types, tend to be spiritual teachers, meditation teachers, therapists, - any one who is being seemingly caring and kind and 'looking after me' a bit. A deep part of my psyche keeps replaying that to make it heal as my own father was difficult to say the least. Unfortunately it has made me vulnerable to abuse by these alternative father figures, otherwise internal fantasies about them are harmless and usually a way of trying to heal something.
Maybe in your childhood you were in physical or emotional pain a lot and your dad was too busy to be there to care for you. And these men are literally there to care for you in your pain. What a lovely feeling. No wonder it is so charged for you.
I hope I don't sound patronizing, I am sure you know all this, I am just aware that that more awareness we bring to these strong vortex's the more we weaken their charge.
Maybe in your childhood you were in physical or emotional pain a lot and your dad was too busy to be there to care for you. And these men are literally there to care for you in your pain. What a lovely feeling. No wonder it is so charged for you.
I hope I don't sound patronizing, I am sure you know all this, I am just aware that that more awareness we bring to these strong vortex's the more we weaken their charge.
Hi Heartlamp,
Welcome to the forums! Sorry to not respond earlier, sometimes if the forum is really busy, a topic can get knocked down quickly in the list and get overlooked. Which is very distressing on your first post. And it was perfectly fine to post about this here. She has posted in a long time but there was another member who dealt with transference with a medical doctor and this is where she started. If you click on her name and view her posts, you should be able to locate other discussions about the topic in addition to whatever replies you get here. Sorry not to say more, in a time crunch.
Update on Transference - Sprinting Gal
AG
Welcome to the forums! Sorry to not respond earlier, sometimes if the forum is really busy, a topic can get knocked down quickly in the list and get overlooked. Which is very distressing on your first post. And it was perfectly fine to post about this here. She has posted in a long time but there was another member who dealt with transference with a medical doctor and this is where she started. If you click on her name and view her posts, you should be able to locate other discussions about the topic in addition to whatever replies you get here. Sorry not to say more, in a time crunch.
Update on Transference - Sprinting Gal
AG
Hi heartlamp,
Your post really resonated with me. I had a similar issue with my physical therapist two years ago. It was really hard. I too realized that I've been doing the transference thing pretty much my whole life, although up until I started physical therapy almost all of the "objects" of my transference issues were women. My T is a woman, and I went from transference with my PT (which ended the relationship because of where it was going on my end) to transference/attachment to my T (who I started seeing as a result of my transference with my PT).
I agree that it likely has to do with intimacy. I too have intimacy issues with my husband and what you said about the intimacy of these sorts of relationships being one-sided, not real, and therefore 'safe' really rings true for me, too. If I can have intimacy with someone where I don't have to really reciprocate by allowing and dealing with their needs, I'm fine. But when the other person's needs come into the picture--I'm outta there!! I didn't have emotionally connecting relationships with either of my parents. I long to connect with others, but it scares me at the same time. Especially if I know I have to be emotionally available to the other person and it's about their needs too. I don't know how to juggle the whole thing, and shouldn't have to, but feel like the intimacy of the relationship is all on my shoulders and my burden to bear. But, I just want it to be about ME, and then again--I don't want to have to go there and be intimate with people because it feels so uncomfortable at the same time that I desperately need it. It's a major paradox.
Anyway, welcome to the forum. I think what you had to say was put in the right place!
Just maybe not so many around here that can totally relate, but I think in a way many do--just a different arena than a doctor's office but still the same issue. I suggest finding a T, although you say you don't want to do therapy right now. That is understandable, but I think that is the only way to really work through this stuff. Good luck!
MTF
Your post really resonated with me. I had a similar issue with my physical therapist two years ago. It was really hard. I too realized that I've been doing the transference thing pretty much my whole life, although up until I started physical therapy almost all of the "objects" of my transference issues were women. My T is a woman, and I went from transference with my PT (which ended the relationship because of where it was going on my end) to transference/attachment to my T (who I started seeing as a result of my transference with my PT).
I agree that it likely has to do with intimacy. I too have intimacy issues with my husband and what you said about the intimacy of these sorts of relationships being one-sided, not real, and therefore 'safe' really rings true for me, too. If I can have intimacy with someone where I don't have to really reciprocate by allowing and dealing with their needs, I'm fine. But when the other person's needs come into the picture--I'm outta there!! I didn't have emotionally connecting relationships with either of my parents. I long to connect with others, but it scares me at the same time. Especially if I know I have to be emotionally available to the other person and it's about their needs too. I don't know how to juggle the whole thing, and shouldn't have to, but feel like the intimacy of the relationship is all on my shoulders and my burden to bear. But, I just want it to be about ME, and then again--I don't want to have to go there and be intimate with people because it feels so uncomfortable at the same time that I desperately need it. It's a major paradox.
Anyway, welcome to the forum. I think what you had to say was put in the right place!
Just maybe not so many around here that can totally relate, but I think in a way many do--just a different arena than a doctor's office but still the same issue. I suggest finding a T, although you say you don't want to do therapy right now. That is understandable, but I think that is the only way to really work through this stuff. Good luck!MTF
Thank you so much, everyone. I was really worried I had made some kind of faux pas by posting about a non-T situation. I am not in a position to post much right now, but will later to respond to some of this stuff.
Update, for those who are interested:
I was so excited to go in to my appointment with the PT, and thought about it for days prior. Logically, I knew I was making far too much of it and that I was experiencing transference. When I got to my appointment, he was working on another client, and kind of divided his time between me and this other client. I saw that he talked to that client in exactly the same "warm" tone that he talked to me, was no different with me than anyone else. It was really pretty crushing, and confirmed that all of my intense feelings were just in my head.
I spent the rest of the day in a total disillusioned funk, and felt myself getting angry at my husband, who knew something was up. I tried really hard to not talk to my husband, but in the end of the evening, decided to just bare all. I showed him my post on here! (not anyone else's just mine) which included things I had never told him or anyone. I then had him read the article on transference. We had a really good talk about it and I felt ashamed and cried of course, but also SUCH a huge relief, like "Well, here I am, now you know" and he didn't run away in horror and was in fact quite understanding.
I still don't know what to "do" with this whole transference thing, and can't face the thought or expense of therapy right now. Does anyone have any good book suggestions on transference?
Thanks for reading.
I was so excited to go in to my appointment with the PT, and thought about it for days prior. Logically, I knew I was making far too much of it and that I was experiencing transference. When I got to my appointment, he was working on another client, and kind of divided his time between me and this other client. I saw that he talked to that client in exactly the same "warm" tone that he talked to me, was no different with me than anyone else. It was really pretty crushing, and confirmed that all of my intense feelings were just in my head.
I spent the rest of the day in a total disillusioned funk, and felt myself getting angry at my husband, who knew something was up. I tried really hard to not talk to my husband, but in the end of the evening, decided to just bare all. I showed him my post on here! (not anyone else's just mine) which included things I had never told him or anyone. I then had him read the article on transference. We had a really good talk about it and I felt ashamed and cried of course, but also SUCH a huge relief, like "Well, here I am, now you know" and he didn't run away in horror and was in fact quite understanding.
I still don't know what to "do" with this whole transference thing, and can't face the thought or expense of therapy right now. Does anyone have any good book suggestions on transference?
Thanks for reading.
Hello heartlamp, welcome to the forum 
I´m kind of new here too, found the forum in desember and the people here have been very helpful.
Reading other people´s personal storys of transference has also helped me deal with the shame of my feelings.
Congratulations on your new opening of your transference, I belive that is the first step towards healing.
It made me glad to hear that your husband was understanding when you told him about it. I was quite worried when I read that you where thinking about telling him. That´s because I have experienced an opposite reaction from my partner. Glad you two had a good talk about it, I think it was a good idea to show him what you had read here about transference.
Thanks for sharing
I´m kind of new here too, found the forum in desember and the people here have been very helpful.
Reading other people´s personal storys of transference has also helped me deal with the shame of my feelings.
Congratulations on your new opening of your transference, I belive that is the first step towards healing.
It made me glad to hear that your husband was understanding when you told him about it. I was quite worried when I read that you where thinking about telling him. That´s because I have experienced an opposite reaction from my partner. Glad you two had a good talk about it, I think it was a good idea to show him what you had read here about transference.
Thanks for sharing
Glad to read all your posts here.
My son has a learning disabiity and has also developed BP. The psychiatrist is great working with him along side myself as I need to give feed back for my son. I have become oddly attracted to this man who as well as being kind can also shoot quite nastily from the hip....when the doc is working well hes a genius but can also be the exact opposite what on earth is wrong with me
is the kindness and help getting to me as my own father was unavailable to me for support when I was young...this doc knows nothing about me but that which relates to my son!
My son has a learning disabiity and has also developed BP. The psychiatrist is great working with him along side myself as I need to give feed back for my son. I have become oddly attracted to this man who as well as being kind can also shoot quite nastily from the hip....when the doc is working well hes a genius but can also be the exact opposite what on earth is wrong with me
is the kindness and help getting to me as my own father was unavailable to me for support when I was young...this doc knows nothing about me but that which relates to my son!
Hi Beth,
Welcome to the forums. There was a member who used to post, Open Windows, who experienced a very strong transference for her son's therapist. It might be helpful for you to go back and read some of her posts.
Open Windows posts
It may be that watching this man provide what your son needs is evoking your own unmet needs from your father. To see someone holding out a hope of something we have longed for can evoke pretty intense feelings. You are also mentioning that you see him as sometimes acting in a nasty manner or shooting from the hip. Do you mind my asking if that reminds you of your father? Sometimes the people who "light" us up are people similar to those who formed our early understanding of relationships. We feel drawn to them because they "fit." Would it be possible to discuss your feelings with him? Or possibly find a therapist of your own to discuss how you're feeling? I hope you can find some understanding here.
AG
Welcome to the forums. There was a member who used to post, Open Windows, who experienced a very strong transference for her son's therapist. It might be helpful for you to go back and read some of her posts. Open Windows posts
It may be that watching this man provide what your son needs is evoking your own unmet needs from your father. To see someone holding out a hope of something we have longed for can evoke pretty intense feelings. You are also mentioning that you see him as sometimes acting in a nasty manner or shooting from the hip. Do you mind my asking if that reminds you of your father? Sometimes the people who "light" us up are people similar to those who formed our early understanding of relationships. We feel drawn to them because they "fit." Would it be possible to discuss your feelings with him? Or possibly find a therapist of your own to discuss how you're feeling? I hope you can find some understanding here.
AG
Thank you for reply AG!
No this man is not like my father. My father was very gentle and not inclined to pick a row ever however because both my parents were caught up with siblings behaviours issues there was no time for them to see my needs and in fact I became a carer for my parents very early on.
The doctor is someone one who can evoke a strong safe feeling in me most of the time though he has gone off the wall at me verbally about over protecting my son,messing with meds etc when his nurse has made a meds change.....
No this man is not like my father. My father was very gentle and not inclined to pick a row ever however because both my parents were caught up with siblings behaviours issues there was no time for them to see my needs and in fact I became a carer for my parents very early on.
The doctor is someone one who can evoke a strong safe feeling in me most of the time though he has gone off the wall at me verbally about over protecting my son,messing with meds etc when his nurse has made a meds change.....
Beth,
Welcome to the forums. I have been posting more lately but still not often. My father is still alive but I mostly remember the anger and impatience although he could can be very caring also. The thing I picked up on in your post was;
both my parents were caught up with siblings behaviours issues there was no time for them to see my needs
I think that is where I relate...especially "no time for them to see my needs." I see that as where it stems for me on having transference with people throughout my life...which is probably what I am trying to work on in my therapy.
It kind of sums it up for my situation. Just wanted you to know that many of us really relate to what you are saying.
Hopeful
Welcome to the forums. I have been posting more lately but still not often. My father is still alive but I mostly remember the anger and impatience although he could can be very caring also. The thing I picked up on in your post was;
both my parents were caught up with siblings behaviours issues there was no time for them to see my needs
I think that is where I relate...especially "no time for them to see my needs." I see that as where it stems for me on having transference with people throughout my life...which is probably what I am trying to work on in my therapy.
It kind of sums it up for my situation. Just wanted you to know that many of us really relate to what you are saying.
Hopeful
Thank you Hopeful
This is absolutely right. I have a huge need to feel cared for even though I have a good DH I am still the family fixer and would so love a piece of nurturing Sounds daft!!...why this doc who is marvellous but can be ac/dc has touched me I will never know unless it is his ability to care for my son appropriately that ultimately helps me?#No one ever saw my needs as I was well able to get on with things.
This is absolutely right. I have a huge need to feel cared for even though I have a good DH I am still the family fixer and would so love a piece of nurturing Sounds daft!!...why this doc who is marvellous but can be ac/dc has touched me I will never know unless it is his ability to care for my son appropriately that ultimately helps me?#No one ever saw my needs as I was well able to get on with things.
Hi Beth,
I really get even more of what you are saying. Also, I meant to say the part where you get angry at your husband...I do that and can be quite irritable and want to withdraw into myself and often do but have tried to work on not taking out my frustrations on him or my other safe people but that is hard to switch gears and I so often fail. I over protected my son...he is grown now but truly I was a mess back then but I think I was as I'm sure you are just trying to do as you believe...not only from your own past as a child but what you believe is right by him. I guess I would say though if you trust this doctor and your son is benefiting then try to let the doctor manage things and step back and take a break and relax to know that he is in good hands. I hope that is helpful as that is what I would do if I had it to do over again and knowing that I have grown over the years. I'm kind of old...not fifty for a few more years though so I'm holding it off for as long as I can. LOL.
Hopeful
I really get even more of what you are saying. Also, I meant to say the part where you get angry at your husband...I do that and can be quite irritable and want to withdraw into myself and often do but have tried to work on not taking out my frustrations on him or my other safe people but that is hard to switch gears and I so often fail. I over protected my son...he is grown now but truly I was a mess back then but I think I was as I'm sure you are just trying to do as you believe...not only from your own past as a child but what you believe is right by him. I guess I would say though if you trust this doctor and your son is benefiting then try to let the doctor manage things and step back and take a break and relax to know that he is in good hands. I hope that is helpful as that is what I would do if I had it to do over again and knowing that I have grown over the years. I'm kind of old...not fifty for a few more years though so I'm holding it off for as long as I can. LOL.
Hopeful
Hi Hopeful
Thank you I suppose this man has a strength that I have not seen before in my life and I must be attracted to it for that reason...I have no problem with his care of my son just his manner can change for no reason and yet he can be so caring and supportive to me that the mind boggles
I think it is transference completely and best pull myself together!! I would n LOL!ot bring it up as I am not a patient!!!!
Thank you I suppose this man has a strength that I have not seen before in my life and I must be attracted to it for that reason...I have no problem with his care of my son just his manner can change for no reason and yet he can be so caring and supportive to me that the mind boggles
I think it is transference completely and best pull myself together!! I would n LOL!ot bring it up as I am not a patient!!!!
Hi Beth,
I do hate when people are so ac/dc...have a good friend who is like that but she doesn't really know she is like that. Have to point that out to my H also when he does it and over the years he is more responsive. I am probably a lot like that myself since I get into my own head a lot so you are helping me to become more aware as I'm sure I needed the reminder. You have also given me more of the basis for my therapy appointment tomorrow. I must go journal before it all eludes me. Oh you also said;
No one ever saw my needs as I was well able to get on with things. I believe this is strength which is "I think" me also...I think it is great but I also believe this needs to be balanced as we need to let others take care of us sometimes and since we don't and you probably don't we need to as for myself this is where much of the problem lies. As you say you have a good DH...I am happy for you. Mine is good and we have developed teamwork over the years but I still want other things. Anyways, I will quit now as I could go on for days and that wouldn't be good. As for the doctor thing it is very understandable how you feel and I'm sure you will pull yourself together as you say but just be gentle and kind to yourself and don't deny...come here for support. There is so much support...I think AG could recommend books and others also as they have all the great ways of explaining so much. I just find myself using others stuff to explain to me my own stuff and then I have to still go and have the experience with my therapist to hopefully resolve this stuff. Looking forward of hearing more from you.
Hopeful
I do hate when people are so ac/dc...have a good friend who is like that but she doesn't really know she is like that. Have to point that out to my H also when he does it and over the years he is more responsive. I am probably a lot like that myself since I get into my own head a lot so you are helping me to become more aware as I'm sure I needed the reminder. You have also given me more of the basis for my therapy appointment tomorrow. I must go journal before it all eludes me. Oh you also said;
No one ever saw my needs as I was well able to get on with things. I believe this is strength which is "I think" me also...I think it is great but I also believe this needs to be balanced as we need to let others take care of us sometimes and since we don't and you probably don't we need to as for myself this is where much of the problem lies. As you say you have a good DH...I am happy for you. Mine is good and we have developed teamwork over the years but I still want other things. Anyways, I will quit now as I could go on for days and that wouldn't be good. As for the doctor thing it is very understandable how you feel and I'm sure you will pull yourself together as you say but just be gentle and kind to yourself and don't deny...come here for support. There is so much support...I think AG could recommend books and others also as they have all the great ways of explaining so much. I just find myself using others stuff to explain to me my own stuff and then I have to still go and have the experience with my therapist to hopefully resolve this stuff. Looking forward of hearing more from you.
Hopeful
I look forward , Hopeful, of chatting with you here too,,,have to learn how to navigate the site too! thank you for your wise words.
thank you for your wise words.