Transference with my son's therapist

openwindowsMember

My transference issue hasn't worked out so well. My transference isn't with my therapist, but my son's. When I started getting these feelings like I wanted to be friends with her, I started Googling and found this site. It explained so well some of what I was feeling that I gave her the link. It took me a while to post here because I was afraid she may be looking at the board and I didn't want her to see how crazy I really was!

I know she came to the site and looked, she told me she did, and it's possible she may come back, but oh well. Maybe it would be a good thing.

My family went through a pretty traumatic situation this summer and she was the person I turned to. I've been to my share of therapists over the years because of my childhood. I've never felt quite this way before - so it came as quite a surprise and I still don't know what to do with it. There is no erotic transference, although I have experienced that before. I just really, really really want to be her friend. It really doesn't feel like any "transference" I've had before.

When I told her that I really wanted to be her friend and couldn't seem to get past those feelings, she was accepting and said it was a normal reaction. She told me that there was a 2-year no-contact rule after my son is no longer her client before anything like that could happen. I asked her if we had met under different circumstances, would she want to be my friend and she said yes, definitely. I began my own counseling with a different therapist and sort of had an emotional breakdown and sent some very needy emails to her over one weekend. She didn't respond to any of them. I was devastated for reasons I'm sure you all understand. I saw her at student-teacher conferences (she works with a school-based mental health agency at my son's school) and asked if she got them. She said she did but she wasn't sure how to respond, so she didn't.

I talked to her about it at my son's next session, and she said if she got any emails like that again she would just respond and tell me everything was going to be all right. I guess she realized that's all I wanted and needed. Things were fine for a couple of weeks.

My son is being referred to another clinic for an evaluation and treatment plan, so she will most likely not be his therapist after the first of the year. This has brought on a whole new set of feelings for me. I keep reading things into everything she says or does. I can't imagine not having her in my life, she really is the only person I feel like I can count on. We live in a small town and we will run into each other at school and in town, but that doesn't help me much.

It looks like I'm writing a novel now so I'll give you all a break and stop for now!

And I just noticed that if I take my name and turn it into initials, it's OW, which pretty much sums up what I'm feeling.

OW

12/13/087:50 AM

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justme 2Member

Hi OW,
Thanks for sharing your transference experience. I can imagine that with such intense feelings as transference brings on, it would be very painful for you if she is no longer your son's T after the first of the year. I can relate to the "reading into everything she says or does" as I tend to do that with my own T and that's in a fixed environment. But it is probably just as complex for her at her end too and knowing how delicate and unpredictable this phenomenon can be, she is likely trying to be careful not to re-traumatize you and that is why she did not know what to say in reply to your emails. That sounds like a very caring individual. So I feel for you, I really do. I hope that you can work something out, perhaps with your existing T to help work through these perplexing feelings. It really is workable.

I am sorry if I am not on the ball with my comments, I am a little fuzzy this morning but I really wanted to respond at least to offer my support.
JM

12/13/088:12 AM

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openwindowsMember

Thank you JM. It is very painful just thinking about her not being there for me to talk to every week. I know my son needs to move on with someone who specializes in his issues, but I just can't bear to think that she won't be there for me to talk to.

I usually don't open up to people the way I did with her. I just let it all out and showed her the person I really was. I was scared to open up but I felt safe because she was a therapist. I figured she had met people crazier than me. She accepted me and even backed me up when no one else was agreeing with the decisions I was making for my family. She was the only person I could talk to about anything, without being judged or told how I was overreacting or under-reacting. She made me feel like I could handle everything that was being thrown at me. Talking to her made me feel relaxed, at ease, and happy. And now I'm just supposed to accept that she is out of my life. I'm not so sure I can do that. How do I do that?

I've been trying to distance myself from her because I know I have to. We've mainly talked about issues dealing with my son the last few sessions. I'm trying to talk to my new therapist about everything I used to talk with her about, and about the transference. I feel worse now than ever. I think I could handle her being the therapist in the relationship as much as I want to be friends, but I'm not sure I can handle her not being anything.

12/13/086:24 PM

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puppylover 2Member

OW

How difficult and truly painful for you. I know that the thought of not talking to her anymore probably magnifies the pain of the transference.

My son also has some pretty big issues. Two years ago this caused quite a trauma for me. I turned to his high school counselor. She was wonderful. She was so knowledgeable, caring and non judgmental. She told me that I needed to talk to someone and that I could call her whenever I needed to. Well I did, and one time I called her when I was really losing it. She realized this and gave me the name of a T and made me promise that I would call the T immediately. I called her and made the appointment, but my transference for the counselor had already set in. I asked her out for coffee because I really wanted her to be my friend. She declined saying that it was against school policy. I think this was her way of saying no without hurting my feelings. I really didn't know about boundries at that time. Well, my son graduated last May and I thought I would not be able to handle having no reason to call his counselor.

I know this won't make you feel any better at the moment because you are in such pain, but you will survive this. I no longer have the feelings for her and I do not dwell on the thought of her. That being said, two years later I am still seeing the T she recommended and I have major transference for her! My T says that this is how I attach to people and that I do this with a lot of people. I just don't recognize it.

Talking to your T about this is a big step, and very courageous. My thoughts are with you as I know how painful this is.

PL

12/13/0811:11 PM

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openwindowsMember

Thank you for sharing Puppy Lover. It does make me feel better in one sense to know the intensity of the feelings will pass.

I really do hope I can get past these feelings so I won't be so miserable, but it also makes me incredibly sad to think I will get past it and will no longer consider her an important part of my life. People who are important to me just don't stay in my life, for one reason or another, and it's happening again. This time it's worse because I don't think either of us wants it to happen. I think (OK maybe I hope) that she does feel a connection with me too and she is not exactly sure how to handle this either. So we're both going by the book and doing what we are supposed to be doing. I don't really believe it's the best for either of us, though. Maybe I'm just fooling myself, but I sort of think the rules are working against me, not for me.

Thank you for telling me I was courageous for talking with my T. I don't feel so courageous, I feel kind of pathetic.

OW

12/14/082:32 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

OW,
I'm really sorry about what you're going through. My present T is my second therapist but I didn't develop the intense transference with my first T the way I have with my present. Knowing I wouldn't be able to have him in my life would be very painful, so I can only imagine how you're feeling.

But I will say that the more I work with my feelings for my T (which you can read about in an abundance of novel-like posts, I'm a little verbose) the more I can see underneath to many of the issues that drive the intensity of the relationship. BTW,I am NOT trying to tell you your feelings aren't real, but the fact that you're having them can tell you important things about how you do relationships. I think having to work with a T who isn't the person you feel this way about may make it more of an uphill battle, but the important thing is having someone to help you see why you do what you do.

And you're not pathetic, you're just looking to fulfill a normal, important human need that hasn't been met. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are actually displaying a lot of strength and determination.

I'm really glad that you (and Puppy Lover! Hi!) have both decided to post. Keep talking about how you're feeling here. It really helps and we all get it.

AG

12/14/086:45 PM

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openwindowsMember

Thanks AG. I have read your verbose posts, and I appreciate every one of them. You do such a great job of expressing yourself that I can't help but to learn from you and be inspired by you.

I'm having a hard time responding to this one because it's just making me think too hard!

I tried last night, gave up, and wrote about 7 pages in my journal to try and work out all my thoughts.

I used to think that I was handling my past and the issues of my childhood. Things weren't perfect, but I was generally happy with my own self and my life. That all came crashing down this summer, so I guess I wasn't handling things all that well after all. I'm taking a close look at all my most intimate relationships and while I thought they were all very different, I guess they are all similar too. I have a big wall that I won't let most people get around, but when they do work their way around I hit them with a flood.

That's what I did with my son's T, only multiplied by a thousand and my wall came down so much faster than any other time in my life. It was out of necessity because the situation going on with my son was so intense and triggering. If I hadn't opened up I would be a shriveling mess right now (now I'm just a mess

).

And don't worry, even if you tried you couldn't convince me that these feelings aren't real. They feel more real than anything I've ever felt in my life. I find them exhilarating, and at the same time humiliating and exhausting.

I have so many issues going on right now that I need to be addressing, sometimes I think I'm focusing on my son's T and the transference issues because maybe it is easier to deal with this than with my past family issues or my present family issues. But I'm going with the flow because maybe I'm not yet ready to deal directly with the rest (and I realize that I am dealing with it indirectly by dealing with my feelings towards my son's T, at least I hope I am).

And I still really want her to be my friend, I don't care if my current T says it can't happen. (I'm a little stubborn

!)

OW

12/16/085:04 AM

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puppylover 2Member

OW

I think all of your feelings are incredibly real and understandably painful. I agree with you that AG is great at explaining things, she does an amazing job of making me feel more normal.

The more you post (and I mean me too), the more these wonderful people can help us work through our feelings. I am already reaping the benefits in this very short time.

Baby steps are better than nothing.

PL

12/16/087:33 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Hi OW... I can understand how emotionally exhausting all of this introspection can be. Sometimes it's all I can think about because there is no room for anything else.

I guess I would ask you how intimate those intimate relationships you talk about really are if, as you say, you build walls around yourself and won't let people in. This is a defense mechanism we use to avoid our feelings and emotions because we have learned somewhere back in our history that these painful feelings are something we want to avoid..they are dangerous to us. So we keep our distance from most people by building that wall. And what I have learned through therapy is that I am always torn between wanting to move closer and wanting to run away at the same time, especially when it concerns someone that I seem to have "attached" to.

In my case, I have grown up with a disorganized attachment and am insecurely attached. My first attachment figure (parent) was unable to handle my affects (feelings/emotions) and reacted in a disorganized way to them. To make a long story short, I never learned to regulate my affects (feelings, emotions etc) and so I'm very prone to anxiety and panic.

When I figured out that I was attached to my T (aside from my feelings of transference) I struggled with the dilemma of wanting closeness with him but at the same time being scared to death to be close to him. I simultaneously wanted to run toward him and run away from him. This was very confusing to me until I started to understand why and connected it to my lack of attachment as a child.

My walls still come up, even with my T, when I'm feeling that I cannot handle the emotions that come up in therapy. It has taken a long time to trust him and to allow myself to feel safe with him and logically I know that I am but when those old, scary emotions surface I find myself shutting down. This is what I'm working on now with him. I am learning to rewire my brain's thought patterns and reactions to affect through a good, healthy, attachment relationship with my T.

Sorry for rambling. A lot of this stuff I'm still working out in my head. BTW, journaling is a great way to make sense of your thoughts.

TN

12/16/0810:19 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

quote:
I used to think that I was handling my past and the issues of my childhood. Things weren't perfect, but I was generally happy with my own self and my life. That all came crashing down this summer, so I guess I wasn't handling things all that well after all. I'm taking a close look at all my most intimate relationships and while I thought they were all very different, I guess they are all similar too. I have a big wall that I won't let most people get around, but when they do work their way around I hit them with a flood.

OW, I can really relate to this. You can run on for a long time burying your needs and responses you don't want to know about, especially if it was a skill picked up in childhood. We don't even realize that we're doing it. Talk about thinking things were good, my husband and I went to our T because we were having problems and what it eventually boiled down to was that we were both so terrified of being alone, yet also so terrified at being so close, that we had developed an intricate dance that allowed us to maintain a distance we could live with. For 22 years!!! (BTW, things are much better now thanks to couples counseling.)

Its just that you really only can push it away for so long, or deny your needs for so long. But guess what, you're response is really great. This is the point where a lot of people turn to addictive behaviors to handle the pain that's leaking out past all their defenses. You're ability to acknowledge the problems and the pain and get the help you need are the most significant part of healing.

And I know its slow, painful work, but you will heal, your capacity to feel safe will expand, and the more time you spend in relationship with your T, the more your ability to handle your emotions will grow. I used to spend about 95% of my sessions with my eyes closed and now I'm pretty much looking at him all the time. which allows me to take more in, which helps me get better faster. There's an acceleration to the healing process the further you progress.

AG

12/17/0812:30 PM

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openwindowsMember

PL - I count you in as one of the wonderful people on this board helping me work through my feelings, even though we were both newbies on the same day. Your recent post about opening up to your T about your deeper feelings is an inspiration.

TN - You ask a very good question that I'm having a hard time answering. I've had two friendships that I would consider intimate. I trusted them with everything, every emotion. They knew all about me, and I knew everything about them. I never doubted that whatever I told them, they would still accept me. Of course, both friendships failed miserably after a few years (coincidentally or not soon after they met their future wife in one case, husband in the other case.

While I have never fully let down the wall with my husband, he is the first man I trusted with intimate... intimacy

. He has seen my most emotional ups and downs, but I've also hidden them from him a lot. It always seems like I have to be the strong one. The wall with him, however, has gone up and down and up and down in the 16 years we've known each other. Right now it's up higher than it's ever been. It's up to me to trust him enough to let down the wall, that's one of the things I'm working on.

quote:
Originally posted by Attachment Girl:

Talk about thinking things were good, my husband and I went to our T because we were having problems and what it eventually boiled down to was that we were both so terrified of being alone, yet also so terrified at being so close, that we had developed an intricate dance that allowed us to maintain a distance we could live with. For 22 years!!! (BTW, things are much better now thanks to couples counseling.)

AG

AG - it's very similar with me and my husband. We handle emotions very differently (he gets angry, I shut down), so that has made it more difficult. We are going to couples counseling, and I can see things improving, although my wall still hasn't budged. At least he is starting to understand me more and that has made our day-to-day lives much easier.

OW

12/17/085:08 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

OW,
One of the reasons I love my T so much is for the work he's done with my husband and myself. When we started couples counseling I really thought it was over, but I wanted to know I did everything I could. There was actually a point that I looked at my T and asked him if he really thought we had a chance at making it. (My husband had to bow out at the last minute because of work, so I went to the session alone). He actually stopped and thought about it and then said "yes, yes I do." I remember at that moment deciding to go on his belief since I didn't have any of my own.

When we started I was so angry about so much and was really struggling with not being heard. It took about three months of listening to me before I calmed down enough to listen to anything. Our T did an amazing job of listening to both of us when we couldn't listen to each other and after figuring out what was going on, helped us to see our behavior. The truth was that much of the time we were both reacting to our past, not each other. Of course, we had done the classic and brilliant trick of finding someone whose behavior re-enforced each other's worst fears. We had in effect, been retraumatizing each other for a long time by acting out our unconscious patterns, not because we were malicious or didn't care. We really loved each other very much, we just both had trouble doing an initimate relationship right.

I cannot believe the difference in our marriage. I am so glad that I made the decision to trust our T because things are SO much better. We are closer and communicating better than we have at any time in our relationship and we're still working on it. And the work I've been doing individually with my T is really helping me to move closer in my marriage. As my T puts it, I need a relationship to handle my relationship.