Hi S I truly understand all of your feelings. I have been through almost the same ordeal and horror except I had no choice about an ending phase. I know your last session was awful and I truly understand why but maybe you need to go back a few more times to reach a more peaceful ending by letting the feelings be discussed and processed in some way. It's so much harder to be banned from the goodbye phase. The rule of thumb I have just learned is 2-3 sessions per year of therapy in order to bring about a healthy closure.

Like you I found an new T and then he left for a vacation and so I had to get through that too. And now that he's back and he sounds wonderful I cannot and will not allow myself to believe this. After all... he could just be lying his pants off too... like my T did when he said he would not abandon me. He KNEW it would destroy me and he abanndoned me anyway.

About the competent you and the little girl you. I have the same issues. NewT said that my left brain and right brain are out of sync and because I present as so capable, intelligent and verbal my old T had no idea how to react to me when I descended into a 5 year old child. When I would get so overly emotional, fearful, and could not accept certain things he would tell me to do. And why a grown woman like me who was exactly the same age as HE was... would look at him as a father. I remember one time recently he told me... don't remember what we were talking about but he said rather sternly..."you are are NOT my daughter and I am not your father... or I could do that"....don't remember what "that" was because I was sort of dissociating at that point due to fear.

Yet another time when we were discussing kids in general I said softly to him "I wish I had grown up with a Dad like you" and he whispered back to me without a second of hesitation "you are". Those words will always ring in my head because it struck at the heart of EVERYTHING we were doing in therapy. I was re-growing up with a father like him a parent like him to help me grow new wings.

I truly hope this new T can help you (BTW psychologists are Ts, counselors are Cs and psychiatrists are Ps) and get you to where you deserve to be .... in a good place with a secure attachment and the ability to lose all the horrible fears that haunt you. I know them because they haunt me too.

I'm sorry we both had to endure such betrayals and hurt. We both need to hang in there for our families as well as ourselves.

I wish you the best S.

TN

thank you, TrueNorth,
I am sorry you went through this too.
I am so angry and hurt at the C for ending with me the way she did. My previous T said she is damaging me. I have suggested we have a cooling off period and then meet later to end properly. She has not replied to me on that.
I am hopeful that this new T can really help. I am getting rather weary. I read your post about yours and he does sound like AG's T's twin. Mine is just the one that the doctors at my surgery pass you on to when the C's can't cope with you. so random. Very powerless feeling. but he, seems okay and I shall check him out a lot on Friday. Questions to ask much appreciated if you can think of some. I bet he does not do holding. sigh. good luck with yours, I think and hope you might have struck gold. :Let's keep in touch and compare notes.
boy, my last session WAS Awful wasn't it. !!

Sheychen I thought you were meeting this guy last Friday, didn’t realize you had to wait a whole week more to see him. That gives you an awful lot of time to try and work out what’s going to happen with him, without any useful info to work with. And it sucks that he is then clearing off for two weeks immediately afterwards!

I don’t know what your situation is, but do you think it might be helpful to you to think about checking out alternative Ts? Do a bit of internet research, or ask around amongst people you know about potential new Ts? If nothing else the work you’ve done with your terminating-T has shown you more clearly what some of your issues might be, and that could give you a better idea of whether prospective Ts will be suited to work with you or not.

Sorry that’s not really very helpful is it? It’s just that I know the awful feeling of having to wait to see a new T, not knowing whether they are going to be helpful or not, and freaking out big time because it feels like you’re so ALONE in all of this. And the way your terminating-T has been behaving means that it’s RIGHT NOW that you need to be able to talk to someone, not next week or in three week’s time.

I’m so sorry you’re being put in this intolerably painful position, just want you to know I’m thinking of you. (((( Sheychen ))))

LL

thanks Lamplighter, I talked with the T on Friday for about 40 mins by phone, I saw him on Monday I think last week and I shall see him Friday, he might have seen me Monday but I am actually away on a long weekend break which is proving the much needed break I need. Lovely family time.
I know I SHOULD really look around but there are so few trauma therapists here. I should go private too but ah, the cost! This T is free and is offering me 80 mins a week indefinately and he is a trained psychologist. He may be awful, but I shall go on Friday with printed sheets telling him my analysis of myself, my strengths my weak areas, the complexity of it and a list of things that I find help me plus what can he offer. the difficulty is that I need interim support between sessions which my previous C resented hugely. So I shall have to really quiz him on that. Wish me luck.