((Chezza)) I do want to try to deal with this with T, and she is so graciously accepting but... the young parts do make it so miraculously difficult. I think no one gets out of life or childhood w/o being traumatized in some way, and/or lacking the tools they need.

I think sometimes we can bond w/ our own traumas, or the self-depricating parts of ourselves that sabotage our progress.

I too feel that 'tameness' and the 'man up and let it go' about my own stuff. That's what I'm struggling the most with I guess... staying and going back to a situation that is abusive and humiliating and trying to feel like my T can possibly understand - or that it will ever get better.

(((Chezza))) I'm sorry you are struggling, as well.

Hi SP

A trauma bond is much similar to Stockholm syndrome (occasionally they are explained synonymously). It's identifying with your captor - Stockholm syndrome comes from a bank robbery in Stockholm where the victims defended the robbers. How these things happen in that the perpetrator is both the source of comfort and terror - sometimes this results in disorganized attachment but a trauma bond (unusual loyalty) may develop in some cases as well.

For example, battered women who refuse to press charges, defending their a users and going back to them. Another example is Elisabeth Smart - a kidnapping victim, who despite opportunity to free herself, could not and did not. Often this occurs in situations of confinement and social isolation, with the threat to self or loved ones of pain, death, etc. It's a bit more than defending actions, it's sort of a compulsive in unconditional loyalty to the detriment of the victim. It often makes no sense to the outside world.

I have this with my parents. Despite danger to myself (which is not longer complex but includes a significant amount of psychic anguish. I can speak of "horrors" or even innocuous things that cause people I know to really want to protect me. At the same time, even though I can see good and bad... I cannot break the connection. It's like a dog that is abused but still welcomes, submits and adores their owner.

It's embarrassing for me. Lonely, confusing and wordless. It's like repetition compulsion I guess. That's the best description I guess I have.

I don't have a single person that technically supports a continued relationship or even a visit and it makes logical sense but I can't even describe the feeling inside where that just doesn't register in a genuine way. Just like how with battered women I don't get it - I think.,, get out of there! Why are you going back!?!? Or sometimes they are blamed for "bringing it on themselves"... It's so different to be inside of.

I'm so so so... Ashamed and confused with myself

((((catalyst))))

I've had to be somewhat selective as to which threads feel safe enough for me to read through now, but seeing this one resonated too much to not comment. I hope sharing some of my experience with you may give a tiny bit of comfort...

Throughout my teenage years, I had a tremendous trauma bond with my father. That's the short version of the story, (don't want to hijack your post) With him, by the time I'd reached the age I could move out, it became life and death as to having no contact with him. That is the only reason I broke it. And for years afterward I had **intense** guilt and constant feelings to return. As of now, I still feel loyalty and guilt, but it is far more manageable.

My mom, I cannot separate from, as you said 'the connection'. She is very damaging but I cannot cut that tie. Again, just the short version of complex relationship.

It is embarrassing, lonely, frustrating beyond words. I think the horrible feelings take root in the idea of being 'one' with the abuser, and the hardest work was done in mentally separating myself from the other person. It takes time, and I'm still not there. It's confusing to rationally know, 'we are two separate people. They are responsible for their wrongs, and I can see what they did was horrible. But they are part of my being somehow'

I think the anger sometimes comes from the frustration of feeling connected with another being who caused so much pain, it becomes a confusing dance of self hatred, because you hate what they did. It feels embarrassing and maddening to see something logically, yet have intense emotions that contradict that knowledge. Having one person be the source of both comfort and anguish is not an easy concept to digest, especially in childhood.

I guess what my ramblings are trying to arrive at, is I hear you and I hope knowing that you are having normal responses to extraordinarily complex situations will allow some peace for you. Coping with these feelings is no easy task, and takes gentleness with yourself throughout the journey. I'm so so sorry you have to face this kind of pain

I hope any of that made a bit of sense or was useful in any way Thinking of you, sending hugs...

AH