intheshadows,

I am sorry you have a history of CSA. You did not deserve that treatment. I am glad you are getting help for yourself and hope that for you a first choice is a charm and that things work well for you and this therapist.

I've been in therapy for a long time and can say without a doubt that feeling safe in the therapy room with your therapist is very important. Your therapist must have noticed that you were uneasy and rearranged the chairs. The good thing about that is you can now compare how you felt before the change and after the change. This is a good opportuntiy to get in touch with how you feel in the room with her so that you find what feels good or safe to you. Maybe making another physical change will be helpful. Could you experiment with moving your chairs a few inches closer or further away from each other? Try both directions and see if one or the other helps with how you feel in the room with her. This will give you a safe subject in which to exercise an opinion or preference. Abuse takes our power and our voice and one job of the therapist is to help us find and reclaim that which was stolen from us.

Another thing you might want to do is find something that you like in the room, on the wall, on her person or that can be seen through a window. That may become the one thing that you like and look for when you begin trauma work and are in need of grounding yourself back in the here and now. Like you, sometimes I found it helpful to just look at the door because I knew there was a way of escape if I needed it. Did you tell her how you felt about her changing the direction of the chair so that you can see and be closer to the door? It would be good to talk about how you feel about that if you haven't already. Don't worry about hurting her feelings or offending her. She is there for you and that means she is interested in how you feel in that moment.

If you feel you need more information about her training or experience, then ask her. I just realized I used the word "feel" a lot. I guess that is because so much of the healing process is uncoving what we feel and naming it. I wish that were as easy as it is to type it.

As for how to feel trust her as a person, well, I think you are right....it takes time. I am glad you have the support here so early in the process.

deeplyrooted

Thanks, Deepfried, your thoughts did help. I am sorry you are working through trauma as well. I dont think I feel safe at all in the room right now. Except maybe a small bit. My T says that she can see me a little bit more comfortable each time. But I still cant look at her. I usually look at the floor and the door alot. I feel really tense there and cant seem to relax. The way I sit when I get there is the way I sit the entire time. I dont shift or shuffle, or anything. Almost like I am frozen in that spot and dont dare move.

deeplyrooted, thanks fpr the good thoughts. I hope I made a good choice too. I think I might have. Its just hard to believe when I didnt put much effort into it. I think youre right that safety is very important. Im worried about doing the trauma because I dont feel secure enough yet to handle it. I hope we stay where we are for a bit. I like where the chair was last time, it was perfect. I hope it is the same this week. Im afraid I didnt tell her how I liked the change, but I think she knew anyway. I have thought about the chairs being farther apart, but I dont want to appear rude or resistant.

Does it ever make you anxious just thinking about going to T. Like right now when I am writing about all this, I am getting anxious and nervous. It really scares me for some reason.

Even IRL I dont express much about my own preferences or opinions, so in T I dont dare even try to. I am worried about dealing with feelings in T. I think it is going to be HUGE and take a long, long, time if I can at all. Im worried I wont even be able to go there at all.
Between trust and feelings, I think T may not work out for me. But I will give it a good try because I would really like it to work.

Again,thank you for replies deepfried and deeplyrooted. I appreciate them.