My T has defined trauma as any time you feel "helpless, threatened, and alone." I think the death of a parent is probably nearly always at least a "little t" trauma, and could be more or less severe based on how it happened, your age at the time, how much support you got, etc. Usually "big T" trauma is reserved for describing times when you felt your life was actually in danger, although I've heard experts say that the majority of what affects people most are not the "big T" traumas, probably because those ones are often recognized, legitimized, and treated.

I can't imagine your dad passing away when you were 9, especially suddenly, didn't affect you in very substantial and profound ways, though. In any case, these are not things with hard and fast rules. Nobody can tell you how something affected you except for you.

CTL just said it more succinctly than me. It sounds like it was traumatic one way or the other...

Quell,

I know it was some time ago, but I want to say sorry for your loss, first off.

Trauma, overall, is definitely relative, but I'd say death of parent always qualifies as traumatic and life changing, no matter what the age. Not sure what the shrinks say, but that's my theory

But beyond sticking a label on it, what really matters is your experience of it and how it shaped and molded you... and to me, that sounds like a very hard thing to go through for a 9-year-old.

effed

Death of a parent - yes I would say it is traumatic. There are many reasons for this - did you feel helpless? Did you wish you could have done something? Did you have any regrets, like something you said or did? How was your grieving process? Was it validated? There are tons of feelings, unanswered questions and sometimes dealing with that through the mind of a child is specifically difficult because you don't have the emotional maturity or the answers to handle it. Some people may argue that it is easier when you are a child because you forget....I'm not so sure about that, probably depends on the age and relationship that you had with that parent. Sometimes when you are a child things seem bigger or worse than what they actually are.

Personally I lost my father as a teenager. It was also sudden and it was very traumatic for me. I did have a regret that I never spoke to anyone about, and even today only 2 people know about it. I had a supportive family, but I closed up and chose to not speak about my feelings to any of them. I didn't want to cry in front of anyone. I needed to be strong because you see I remember some people saying "be strong for your mother, she needs you" so thats what I did. The fact that I needed support for my feelings was somehow ignored. The significant moments in your life when they are not around hurt, and when everyone else has fathers day and things like that it's hard to deal with. I would therefore say that losing them initially is traumatic, but unless you deal with the trauma in its early stages correctly it seems to almost re-traumatise you, if I can say that.

So yes, losing a parent in your early years (and in your later years too) is traumatic.

Hey everyone and effed, BLT, Lillies, B2W, and Butterfly, thanks for your responses. Good answers that helped. I remembered something I had forgotten, which is that it's not so much the incident itself, but what happened or didn't happen after the incident, and that it depends on the person and the circumstances.

I was wondering about whether it is thought of as trauma or not because every time I read about trauma symptoms or trauma reactions or trauma patients or trauma therapies and on and on, I have to ask myself if that means me or not. It makes it more confusing reading about therapy.

Yes, it has affected me a lot. I got through the years but haven't really gotten through the issue. A funny thing that frustrates me now is that I feel like if I hadn't been a kid, I could have figured out what to do. I could have done the right thing, I could have taken care of the situation and myself somehow. It's so odd because I'm mentally kicking myself for not knowing what to do then, and thinking that if only I hadn't had to be a kid, too, I could have taken care of it somehow.

B2W and Butterfly, I'm sorry for your losses, too, and for everyone's pains and traumas.

Quell